WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Horoscopes by Pugnacious, the half-man, half-beast, half-witted seer possessed with the singular ability to predict the future, often before it occurs. Unlike other astrologists, who describe the world as they see it, Pugnacious sees a world that defies description. Honest to a fault, Pugnacious is the one astrologer not afraid to say, “Who the hell knows?”
Before we present his fearless predictions for the week of June 4, we are obliged to remind you that the surgeon general has not tested these predictions, therefore they may not be employed to dispel uncertainty or doubt, nor should they be used for making actual plans. We are also required to advise you that these horoscopes have a margin of error of plus or minus three days.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Do not be influenced by someone clinging to you who is intent on marriage. Like most Geminis, you are your own best twin. Marriage isn’t necessary or sufficient for your happiness at this time. Take an exotic vacation and spend time with children. Go for walks on a secluded beach. Ask not what you can do for other countries, ask what other countries can do for you.
CANCER (June 22-July 22). Someone you had written off as inconsequential returns to prove you were right. A high school acquaintance? A former lover? A co-worker? A relative? You’re safe as long as the tosser isn’t all four rolled into one.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). After waking up on the wrong side of the toilet, your prospects improve. The evening will bring temptation. That’s better than most of your evenings, which only bring reruns. Before you succumb, make sure you’ve got some comp time coming.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Concentrate on small, manageable issues such as eliminating keyboard plaque, cataloging your CD collection, and arranging the books on your shelves in alphabetical order. Don’t stay up past your bedtime tonight.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Word games will get you in trouble at home or at work, particularly this week when the Prince of Umlauts hovers over the House of Webster like a pair of bloated testicles in the sky.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Whoever said “What doesn’t kill us makes us strong” never had Lyme disease. Stay out of the woods if you can’t afford a motel. Foolish economy will come back to haunt you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Jupiter is active this week, so good things may come your way. If they look too good, remember that Jupiter is a practical joker. If you receive a collect call from your long-lost Uncle Ponzi, don’t accept it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Aroma therapy is not the cure for your chronic carbophobia (fear of carbohydrates). Better to take food containing place names or food that’s been genetically engineered off the menu.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Your sleep is disturbed by a recurring dream in which Liza Minnelli, disguised as a large rabbit, is bitch slapping ex-president Jimmy Carter, demanding that he have sex with her. Refrain from forcing yourself on people, no matter how you try to disguise your intentions.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). A large envelope could figure significantly in the near term. So could a persistent nightmare in which you discover that you are the love child of fellow Pisces Kurt Cobain and Cindy Crawford–a discovery that leads you to shoot yourself while appearing naked at an anti-fur demonstration.
ARIES (March 21-April 19). Don’t resent the progress and prosperity of others, resent their good looks and splendid sex lives instead. Then let Mars in Aries light your fire or at least rent you some porn.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Your strong suit got lost in the cleaners. Consequently your negative body image, and your desire to act out in public are on display. Often you will be tempted to pinch yourself to make sure you are you. Unfortunately, you are.
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