LOS ANGELES – Hoping to squelch rumors that their relationship has hit the skid marks, and to capitalize on the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to star as Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf in the big-budget musical-thriller of the same name. Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf is adapted from Beowulf, the first musical in the English language.
Believed to have been written in Olde English in ye eighth century, Beowulf chronicles the exploits of a Danish scop (the Olde English word for singer-songwriter) who takes it upon himself to save his people from Grendel W., a smirking cowardly beast intent on conquering Daneland in order to gain control of its vast stores of fish oil.
Under the direction of Robert Zemeckis, Mr. Pitt will play Mr. Beowulf, a pretty boy known more for his loving than his fighting. Ms. Jolie will play Mrs. Beowulf, a blood-drinking, pants-wearing princess, who is also determined to save her people from the underhanded Grendel W.
Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Beowulf is aware that the other has a contract to stop Grendel W.’s army—led by a stammering, fire-breathing, retired general named Dumbsfeld—before it crosses the border of Daneland.
Mr. Beowulf tells Mrs. Beowulf he is going to entertain the troops massed along the Daneland border. As soon as he leaves their hut, Mrs. Beowulf puts down the two young adopted children she carries everywhere she goes. After bidding them a brief farewell in their native tongues, she sets off for the border disguised as a member of her father’s army.
Meanwhile, for the past fortenight (an Olde English word meaning two weeks), Grendel W. and Dumbsfeld have sent their soldiers out each night to slay Daneland’s warriors with magic arrows that can see in the dark. After Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf have been at the front long enough to assess the situation—and to note that scores of innocent Danes are being slain by Grendel W.’s smart arrows—each travels to Grendel W.’s headquarters in the fen-fastnesses near the village of Hrothgar.
As Mr. Beowulf approaches Grendel W.’s headquarters, which is guarded by his twin daughters, who are half woman-half beer mug, he hears the sound of someone choking on a pretzel inside. He slips past the snoring sentries and enters through the front door of Grendel’s headquarters just as Mrs. Beowulf, much to his surprise, enters through the rear door.
Do they stand by while Grendel W. chokes to death on his own stupidity? Do they save him and then kill him? If so, how will they split the price that’s been put on his head? These and other questions are answered in the four-song finale, which ends with the members of ABBA riding across the screen dressed as the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse.
In related news, Robert Zemeckis told US Weekly that Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf will be filmed in performance-capture technology, a state-of-the-art technique that transforms actors into computer-animated versions of themselves willing to work for scale. The sound-
track will feature songs by ABBA, Neil Diamond, Clay Aiken, Scissor Sisters, 50 Cent, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, and Elton John.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
