Anna Nicole Smith’s Daughter Identifies Her Father

an image

NASSAU, Bahamas – Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, spoke her first word yesterday, and the news was not good for Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, or Frederic Prince von Anhalt—all of whom claim to be her father. The word Dannielynn spoke was dada, and the person to whom she spoke it was Gareth Huffmann, a pool cleaner on the estate where Dannielynn presently resides.

“That kid not only called my client dada but also pointed to him when she said it,” claimed attorney Debra Opri, who formerly represented Larry Birkhead in the Dannielynn paternity affair. “If I know anything about jurisprudence in the Bahamas, a kid’s word is money in the bank.”

Dannielynn’s revelation could throw the paternity battle swirling around her into a cocked hat. Ms. Opri said she plans to request a cancellation of the closed hearing that had been scheduled for today.

“We can’t have this matter settled in a smoke-filled room,” she told THEM Weekly’s attorney at large, Roger Cossack. “The only fair way to decide who that kid’s father is, is to have a lineup and let her point him out.”

Howard K. Stern scoffed at that idea, hinting that Dannielynn may have been coached by Mr. Huffmann.

an image

“I thought there was something suspicious about that guy after I saw him and Anna Nicole swimming naked in the pool when he was supposed to be working,” said Mr. Stern. “Furthermore, he was always bringing my Dannielynn toys and wanting to play with her. He struck me as the kind of person who was looking to make a fast buck.”

Little is known about Gareth Huffmann beyond the fact that he may have been intimate with Ms. Smith. A Bahamian detective, who did not wish to be identified, said, “We are at wit’s end. We Googled him and got no hits. We would love to bring him in for questioning, but he hasn’t done anything wrong, and after we left a message on his attorney’s answering machine, she sent us a bill for $2500.”

Correction: Yesterday we mistakenly reported that Ohio State freshman center, Greg Oden, had been disqualified from the NCAA championship basketball game with Florida because NCAA officials had discovered a picture of a birthday cake with forty candles on it on Mr. Oden’s MySpace page. That cake, we have subsequently learned, did not belong to Mr. Oden, as we had reported, but to his son, Little Greg. We regret any confusion this mistake may have caused.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.