LOS ANGELES – Three days after Jennifer Aniston had collapsed on the set of The Breakup in Chicago, a bloated and barely recognizable Brad Pitt was admitted to an undisclosed Los Angeles area hospital with symptoms identical to those troubling his estranged wife: nausea, double vision, gas, and headaches.
As news of Pitt’s arrival in hospital Monday evening spread around the world like a pandemic, various questions were floated regarding the cause of his symptoms. Had he contracted some exotic malady in Ethiopia while visiting there with Angelina Jolie? Had he contracted some exotic malady from Jolie herself? Was it the hair dye Pitt’s been overusing recently? Was it something he picked up backstage at Live 8 from Elton John or Bono? Was that a ring in his nose or a gigantic booger?
Pitt’s spokeswoman, Cindi Guagenti, brushed those questions aside.
“Brad’s fine,” she said. “We think he has the flu. They are just doing a couple of tests.”
Although Guagenti declined to release further information about Pitt’s symptoms or location, she did add that he was expected to stay in the hospital through Tuesday.
Gaugenti’s explanation didn’t satisfy Pitt’s many fans. Healthy adults that contract flu seldom require hospitalization. Nor do they suddenly look like the swollen-gummed Laura Foy from “Modern Girl’s Guide to Life.” Thus, rumors that Pitt, 41, had been felled by something more serious continued to swirl.
Overlooked in all this rush to diagnosis was the fact that Jennifer Aniston, 35, who filed for divorce from Pitt in March after four-and-a-half years of marriage, had collapsed only three days before from the very symptoms of which Pitt later complained.
“It was just another case of Brad wanting to one-up Jennifer,” said Courtney Cox, who co-starred with Aniston in “Friends.”
“He did that [crap] all the time. If Jennifer had a cold, Brad suddenly caught pneumonia. If Jennifer had diarrhea, Brad got dysentery. If Jennifer had cramps from her period, Brad started gulping Midol. That fool’s ego casts a giant shadow, and Jennifer can’t seem to get out from under it.”
Pitt’s friend George Clooney disagreed with Cox’s claim.
“Brad’s just a sensitive macho-guy,” said Clooney. “He doesn’t have a competitive bone in his body. He simply feels Jennifer’s pain, which is only natural, he caused so much of it.”
In other news, former chess king Bobby Fischer is said to be troubled “by the presence of so many Jews” in Iceland.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
