WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Britney Spears and Courtney Love finished in a virtual dead heat in the Postcards from the Pug Bus First Annual Stretch Marks Poll. After studying the skanky photo on the left, 1,592 voters were asked whether Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Courtney Love, or Mother Teresa had grown the stretch marks in question.
Ms. Spears (638 votes) and Ms. Love (629 votes) finished in a virtual dead heat, with 40 percent of the votes each. The rest of the field finished far up the stretch. Gwyneth Paltrow drew 12 percent of the votes; Katie Holmes 5 percent; and Mother Teresa a surprising 3 percent.
“I knew it had to be either Britney or Courtney because those underpants looked like they hadn’t been washed in a week,” said Thom Bigeleau, an office manager from Scotts Bluff, Nebraska. “Ultimately I picked Britney because I read that she’s pregnant again and that sure looks like a baby bump to me.”
Mattie Groves, a waitress in Hollywood, Florida, faced a similar dilemma, but voted for Courtney Love instead.
“Whoever owns those stretch marks looks like she can’t afford a bikini wax,” said Ms. Groves. “I know Britney’s left herself go recently, but I don’t think she’d go that far, so I picked Courtney.”
Lewis Canter, official pollster for Postcards from the Pug Bus, admitted that he was surprised at the number of votes garnered by Gwyneth Paltrow (191) and Mother Teresa (48).
“If you know anything about Gwyneth’s macrobiotic diet, you’d have to conclude that her female region would never look that moth eaten,” said Mr.Canter. “As for Mother Teresa, it’s common knowledge that she didn’t wear underwear.”
According to Mr. Canter, Katie Holmes’ low showing (85 votes) “no doubt reflects the suspicion that her pregnancy was a hoax, no matter how much weight she gained or how many ultrasound images Tom Cruise took of her alleged fetus.”
In other news, President George W. Bush blames his dismal approval ratings, now at an anorexic 31 percent, on the decline in the circulation of newspapers.
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