LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen is “a person of interest” in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen’s Hollywood home yesterday afternoon.
When Mr. Sheen reported the car missing yesterday morning, he told police he had left it in his unlocked garage the night before, with the keys in the ignition and a full tank of gas.
“Mr. Sheen did not appear distraught when we talked to him,” said police investigator Dan Archer, “and he made several remarks that indicated he was more concerned about getting a new car than he was about finding this one.”
“I hope whoever did this had the decency to total her,” said Mr. Sheen. “Once a car’s been repaired after being pushed over a cliff, it’s just never the same again.”
A second police investigator who asked not to be identified said the extensive damages to the vehicle were not consistent with a fall of that length. Besides, he added, “We found what appeared to be self-defense wounds on the Mercedes that suggest it was involved in some kind of struggle.”
Lawrence Goldfarb, a neighbor of Mr. Sheen’s, said the star of Two and a Half Men was “so attached” to the car after he had bought it last summer that he used to sleep in it on nights when his wife went to bed without deactivating the couple’s home security system.
The relationship (with the car) eventually cooled off, said Mr. Goldfarb. “Sometimes at night we could hear Charlie in his garage yelling things like “You’re not gonna drive me crazy, you bitch. I can fix it so you won’t ever see this place again.”
In related news, Mr. Sheen is scheduled to appear in a Colorado courtroom Monday. There he will learn whether Pitkin County prosecutor, Arnold Mordkin, will file charges in a domestic abuse case stemming from a Christmas Day incident in Aspen. During that incident, Mr. Sheen is alleged to have pinned his wife Brooke Mueller to a bed and held a knife to her throat as he straddled her.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.