WEST CHESTER, PA—The Readers Digest and Postcards from the Pug Bus will “partner” to bring the GanjaScope℠ to RD’s 38,000,000 readers beginning in January next year. In return the Pug Bus will run the occasional NSFW “improved” list of Reader’s Digest jokes. The move, which caught many industry analysts by surprise, is part of RDs effort to bring its magazine into the 20th century.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your DaVinci IQ dating app suggests that you are best suited for the companionship of a significant other bearing a sticker that reads, “Intel Inside.” The next time you go looking for love in one of those fee-based places, be sure to check the box that reads, “Same-species partner preferred.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): After vaping Watermelon Mojito CBD oil that had been laced with synthetic marijuana, you are visited by Hippolitus, the goddess of excess. She informs you that during the next fortnight your boss will recommend you for a lifetime non-achievement award; everything you eat will taste like hospital food; and the admissions committee at the Hot to Trot Bowl-a-rama will turn down your application for executive club membership.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from your dispensary purchases into your computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs. When you return to your house, the dog is gone.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): A panic attack brought on by too much Hell’s OG shatter disturbs the electromagnetic resonance in your body. Suddenly traffic lights turn red when you approach them, and you cannot use your cell phone. On the bright side, people around you can’t use their cellphones either. Take a bus to the local mall and do some people watching.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): You are close to learning how to harness your psychic powers. You can use them in the service of world peace, the pursuit of a cure for congenital disease, or the acquisition of free cable service. Inhale, then choose wisely. What does it profit a man if he lives in a peaceful or a disease-free world but can’t afford all the premium channels?
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The new moon rising in the House of Indica puts an eclipse over your life, and the following adjectives wield a disproportionate influence on your affairs: banal, bovine, brainless, dense, thick, doltish, vapid, witless and jackass. Best to keep your powder desiccated until a pristine moon burgeons in the Domicile of Hybrid Strains.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Despite your agitated pursuit of self-improvement, you are still popping THC-infused gummy bears, and your hair remains your greatest asset. Accept your fate. Settle on a style and color that complement your aura, your inner child, and your budget. Learn to read your hairline and to follow wherever it leads—and ditch the gummy bears.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Those who cannot predict the future are condemned to trip over it. The best prediction is a self-fulfilling one. You can turn any surprise to your advantage by saying cheerfully, “I knew that was going to happen.” If you can’t fool everyone, you might as well spark one up and fool yourself.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): A bogus Purple Punch Stiiizy pod you buy from a vendor named Chico on the Dark Web leads to several near-life experiences this week. You may be inclined to confuse them with dreams. That would not work to your advantage, especially if you were driving a motor vehicle or operating heavy machinery.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You are one of those self-made people who started out with nothing and have most of it left—and who still insist on growing their own. Recently American Express sent you a mock-up of a credit card and a letter that began, “Don’t leave home with it.” You live each day as if it were going to be your last, then you wake up the next morning disappointed.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): After you rent Being John Malkovich, you have dreams in which every door in your house leads to the mind of a different celebrity. You discover that the doors do not lead to the same movie star each time when you try to reenter the Jay-Z door and you wind up in Steve Urkel’s mind instead.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): If astrological forecasts were like weather reports, yours would resemble a benign, sunny day on a tropical island: bright, balmy, and with just enough breeze blowing in off the ocean to make your hair sway in grateful appreciation of your good fortune. That’s what switching from Sour Diesel to Birthday Cake will do for a person .
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