5 Easy Hacks for Improving Your Karma This Summer

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Contrary to popular opinion–and to the creators of My Name Is Earl–karma is not about payback, nor is it about living right so you don’t come back as a port-o-potty in the next life, and it sure as hell ain’t about some Great Score Keeper in the sky.

Karma was invented more than 2,500 years ago in India to answer nagging questions about the inequalities of life. People wanted to know why one person had separate houses for his family and his animals while another person shared his bed and sometimes his wife with a goat. When philosophers tried to explain this disparity by saying, “Shit happens,” inquiring minds were not amused, so philosophers told them, “OK. You get what you deserve. Get used to it.”

Like most philosophers, they were lying. The truth is, karma is a system that’s ripe for gaming; and as Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.” Why else would President Obama manage to escalate the war in Afghanistan and win a Nobel Peace prize? He obviously knows how to sell a contradiction.

You can too. After you master a few random principles, you can make the world your bitch. So quick hosing around. Start hacking your karma today.

1. A Good Reward Is Its Own Karma
Karma is an effect, not a cause, an end that justifies not only the means but also the money you spent on valet parking. Consider the rainbow, another gaudy atmospheric trick until it planted those rumors about the pot of gold at the end. Anyone who lives within his karmic means suffers from a lack of imagination.

2. There Is a U in Karma
Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you, then contrive to make others do unto you without your always having to do unto them. Finally love yourself as you would have your neighbors love you.

3. If the Truth Hurts, Consider Lying
When people ask for your opinion, never tell them anything they don’t want to hear. Learn the art of studied insincerity. Lying skillfully will set you free.

4. When All Else Fails, Apologize
Never apologize, though, for something you didn’t get caught doing. Most important, look totally sincere when you apologize. If you can learn to fake sincerity, you can always appear worthy, even when you’re being a total dick.

5. You Are What You Appear to Be
It does matter if you win or lose, and the most important thing is not how you play the game but how you look in the uniform. Even if all life forms are interconnected, you should make your portion of the Great Quilt of Existence look as fly as you can because nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.