How Millennials Can Tell If They’ve Had Sex

BLOOMINGTON, Ind.—Researchers at the Kinsey Institute of Sex and Public Policy at Indiana University report that millennials cannot agree on what they mean when they say they’ve “had sex.” This conclusion was based on phone interviews with a random sample of 204 men and 282 women born between 1983 and 2000. Most were heterosexual, though many said they were offended by that question.

Ninety percent of the respondents to the Kinsey study said that penile-vaginal intercourse constituted “having sex,” but 15 percent said it wasn’t sex without ejaculation. Thirty percent said that oral sex did not count as sex. Twenty percent said anal sex didn’t count either. In the light of all this confusion, Postcards from the Pug Bus conducted its own, non-random survey regarding how millennials can tell if they have had sex. Herewith, the results.

You have had sex, either alone or with others, if . . .

. . . one of your sheep seems especially glad to see you

. . . you wake up with crumbs in your butt

. . . the dog is cowering in the corner of the bedroom

. . . your steering wheel is sticky

. . . you are an unsuspecting co-star in a YouTube video

. . . you fell asleep without finishing your milk and cookies

. . . you find consent forms under your pillow

. . . you recall your mother pounding on the living room floor

. . . new batch of naked selfies on your iPhone

. . . you have a sudden urge to take yourself out to lunch

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