WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Jesus once said, “The porn you will always have with you.” He was right. In fact, porn is multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes. Last year more than 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed on Pornhub, the world’s largest porn gallery. Thirty-five percent of all internet downloads are porn-related (WebRoot). Porn sites receive more regular traffic each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined (HuffPost).
That being said, it must also be said: there is porn and there is porn. Not every example of the porn maker’s art is a hole in one; and contrary to the popular belief that even the worst sex or pizza is good, they’re not. Anyone who has watched The Return of Mr. Pepperoni knows that. So, in the event that you were too busy beating off to notice that you were watching some really limp porn, we present the following guide to bad porn and bad porn sites.
10. Too many missing teeth.
9. Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of these videos.
8. Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps.
7. The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops.
6. Children under twelve must be accompanied by an adult.
5. The adult does not have to be a parent or legal guardian.
4. One-hour memberships available.
3. Toilet cams are not cleaned frequently.
2. Passwords limited to three characters; one must be different from the other two.
1. The woman playing Paris Hilton really is Paris Hilton.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
