Jane Fonda Recruits Paris Hilton, Others for Campaign

an image

LOS ANGELES – Jane Fonda’s “Irate About Iraq” bus tour, a cross-country protest against the war in Iraq, is attracting celebrities faster than a Rachel Zoe fashion clinic. In the week since Fonda announced her plans to protest “this immoral war,” more than a dozen celebrities have said they’ll be on the bus, which is scheduled to leave Los Angeles in March 2006.

“It sounds hot,” said Paris Hilton, recently returned from a vacation with her fiancee, Paris Latsis, in Greece, where she managed to alienate his entire family and most of their servants. “This administration should be held accountable for its false advertising about Iraq.”

Hilton’s eagerness to wade into political waters has been matched by other A-list celebrities.

“We studied about ‘Hanoi Jane’ in our alternative history class in high school,” said Lindsay Lohan. “It will be an honor to ride with someone who helped to stop the Vietnam war and who looks so good for her age.”

When Fonda, 67, was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, last Saturday to promote her autobiography, Jane Fonda: My Life So Far, she told a cheering audience at an aroma therapy centre that planning for the “Irate about Iraq” tour was in its early stages.

“I can’t go into any detail except to say that it’s going to be exciting and it’s going to drive a lot of old fart neoconservatives bonkers,” said Fonda. “We’re going to get up the president’s nose worse than all that coke he did when he was AWOL from the National Guard.”

        Fonda declined to say whether she would pose astride any national monuments on the “Irate about Iraq” tour, but she did say she had been approached by parents who lost sons and daughters in the war.

“Every parent I’ve talked to thought their sons and daughters had [urinated] their lives away,” said Fonda. “This war is nothing more than a military exercise designed to feed the power fantasies of a bunch of sexually frustrated old white men who have to take Viagra in order to [abuse themselves].”

Asked to define a neoconservative, Fonda replied, “That’s a person who starts a war that somebody else’s children have to fight. It’s funny how all these war-mongering, flag-waving neoconservatives who make a career out of finding the right colleges for their sons or daughters never seem to consider sending their kids to Iraq.”

At that point Fonda began singing a few lines from an old Jefferson Airplane song, “War’s good business, so give you son; and I’d rather have my country die for me.”

Although celebrities such as Robert Redford, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Barbra Streisand, the Dixie Chicks, and Jennifer Lopez, who co-stared with Fonda in Monster-in-Law, have been vocal in their support of Fonda’s tour, not everyone is thrilled at the prospect.

“That [female dog] needs a beating,” said Joseph C. Wright, president of the Akron, Ohio, VFW. “What kind of message does this send our fighting men? If we don’t defeat the terrorists in Iraq and take away their weapons of mass destruction, we’ll have to fight them in this country. They hate us for our freedom.”

Veterans’ groups are not the only ones upset over the “Irate about Iraq” tour. The American Medical Association (AMA) has also voiced concerns.

“The incidence of high blood pressure among men of a certain age raises the specter of heart attacks and strokes,” said the AMA in a prepared statement. “We urge any men who plan to partake in counter demonstrations against Ms. Fonda to see their physicians first. This anti-war protest coupled with the emerging candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton could lead to a nationwide health epidemic.”

In related news, the Ames, Iowa, VFW post is sponsoring a Spit at Jane Fonda contest this weekend to raise funds for its elementary school outreach instructional program.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.