Jesus’ Tomb Proves He Was Not Gay, Says James Cameron

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NEW YORK – Oscar-winning director James Cameron believes that inscriptions on the tombs of the J.H. Christ family “should settle once and for all” any lingering questions about Jesus’ sexuality.

Mr. Cameron is the producer of The Lost Tomb of Jesus, which airs Sunday on the Discovery Channel. He argues that ten small caskets discovered in a Jerusalem suburb in 1980 held the bones of Jesus, his wife and son, and members of his extended family, including his favorite nephew Manny.

“We can finally put behind us the jokes about Jesus and the Twelve Apostles and the goings-on under the table at the Last Supper,” said Mr. Cameron, “as well as the remarks about Mary Magdalene being the world’s first fag hag.”

Mr. Cameron made these observations Monday at a news conference at the New York Public Library, where he and a team of scholars presented two ancient stone boxes, called ossuaries, which, Mr. Cameron claimed, once held the remains of Jesus and his wife, the aforementioned Ms. Magdalene.

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“The evidence is irrefutable,” Mr. Cameron said. “One of the ossuaries bears the inscription, ‘Judah, son of Jesus.’ Another is inscribed, “Jesse, brother of Jesus,’ while the writing on a third ossuary reads, ‘Manny, favorite nephew of Jesus.’

Persons who try to make the case that Jesus has spent the last two thousand years in the closet, often site his close friendship with the apostles as proof of that contention.

“Jesus’ inclination to spend a lot of time with his male friends is no more proof he was gay than playing professional football today is a sign that a man is gay,” said Mr. Cameron. “Granted, some football players are gay, but they don’t have wives and kids.”

Mr. Cameron grew testy when reporters suggested that his revelations are likely to raise the ire of Christians, who believe Jesus was resurrected and ascended to heaven.

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“I haven’t got time for that claptrap,” he said. “I couldn’t care less if people want to believe that Jesus went sailing off to heaven on a cloud. At least we know it wasn’t a pink cloud.”

In other news, the Chrysler Corporation announced today that the similarity between its logo and the logo on Jesus’ tomb will serve as the centerpiece for the auto maker’s new “What Would Jesus Drive?” campaign.    

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