You are driven by a desire to climb to the top of the mountain—the mountain of success, a mountain of coke, any mountain will do. Ruled by the House of Halston, you are ambitious, determined, and persistent. Unfortunately, you are fatally attracted to needy, self-destructive men who often leave your sex life in shambles. What’s more you are easily influenced by companions with a fondness for dancing around the Maypole or the stripper’s pole of life. Symbol: the goat; element: the coca leaf; keyword: photograph; key phrase: I use.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are faced with a choice between selfish, personal interests and the well-being of those around you. The Bible, the Koran, Roberts Rules of Order, even Oprah’s latest book club selection do not resonate with the moral authority you seek. Ask yourself instead the question by which all people of conscience are guided: What would Kate Moss do?
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Beware the toadstools you encounter. Many are harmless, but some have a strange effect on your mind, not to mention your spelling checker. .yas uoy gniht nmad a dnatsrednu t’now elpoep dna, sdrawkcab gnihtyreve eviecrep lliw uoy doG gniees ot noitidda nI
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Heed the Sturgeon General’s advice: quit floundering about. People are up to their gills with your carping. Who’s interested in your fin-de-siecle mutterings? So you feel like a fish out of water? Big deal. Clean that black crappie stuff off your shoes and hit the pike.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Many Aries are obsessed with the meaning of the Chicago song “25 or 6 to 4.” Why does the singer await the break of day if he’s feeling like he ought to sleep? Those numbers add up to 35, which is one of the numbers in Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.” A coincidence?
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): In your search for a meaningful existence, do not overlook the obvious or neglect the superficial. The elements of a centered, authentic life can be found in any hardware store if you take the time to look. A few words of caution, however: batteries are not included, and some assembly is required.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): You have perpetual bad hair days; you write banal, sophomoric poetry; you will consider changing your name; you are small for your age; and your sister is gay. How does Pugnacious know? Easy. You share a sign with Donald Trump, Jewel, Prince, Michael J. Fox, and Newt Gingrich.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): In order to ensure their accuracy so that we might serve you better, the following predictions may be monitored or recorded. Please select carefully from the menu of twelve forecasts. If you are calling from a rotary phone, just hang up. You don’t want to know what your life is going to be like.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The dating service you contacted suggests that you are best suited for the companionship of a significant other that bears a sticker proclaiming, “Intel Inside.” The next time you go looking for love in one of those fee-based places, be sure to check the application box that reads, “Same-species partner preferred.”
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): If you’re reading this, obviously our prediction that you would not commit suicide when Shelley winters died was on the money. Emboldened by that success, we further predict that you will not be kidnapped by your birth mother this year, nor will members of your family engage in ritual satanic abuse of Beanie Babies.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): If you have a dog, do not install clapper lights throughout the house. Rover may discover that he can turn the lights on and off by barking. Then he’ll probably think it’s funny to stand outside the bathroom door and bark once whenever someone’s taking a shower at night. That can get old quickly.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Your life is the astrological equivalent of breast of free-range pheasant marinated overnight in a rosemary-balsamic vinaigrette then wrapped in puff pastry, baked to perfection, and served with a Madeira wine-and-mushroom sauce over Barbary figs and Maui onions. Don’t forget to save room for dessert.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): An infomercial for Bible decoding software convinces you that the death of Princess Di was foretold in Genesis. After buying the software and spending a week in the basement, you become convinced that either Samuel Alito or Dick Cheney is the Antichrist.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
