Mike Ditka Is the New Face of Lane Bryant             

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CHICAGO—In a move certain to raise eyebrows if not hem lines, Lane Bryant is set to introduce former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka as the new face of plus-size women’s clothing at a press conference tomorrow. Although Lane Bryant CEO Charles McKee would neither confirm nor deny this report, a source close to Coach Ditka told the Pug Bus, “Mike has always been fond of a little cross dressing. He coached the entire 1985 season wearing a sports bra.”

Lane Bryant’s embrace of Coach Ditka follows the recent announcement by Louis Vuitton that Jaden Smith, 17, will be the face of its new womenswear campaign. Young Master Smith’s anointment by Louis Vuitton did not come as a surprise—given his bent for wearing dresses and his generation’s agitated pursuit of gender fluidity. In selecting Mr. Ditka, 65, Lane Bryant is betting that gender is more fluid among senior citizens than hitherto believed.

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“Research indicates that the longer two people are married, the more they start to look like one another,” observes Sarah-Mildred Long, AARP’S senior lifestyle advisor. “Given this development, it’s not surprising that women of a certain age might experience a shock of recognition seeing Mike Ditka in a pair of Jockey shorts for women.”

In selecting Coach Ditka, Lane Bryant cleaves to its mission of choosing spokespersons who look like they might live next door. Initial concerns about the Coach’s trademark mustache were allayed when he agreed to trim it short and to use bleach to lighten it.

“At the end of the day,” said a close friend of Mr. Ditka’s, “Coach won’t be showing any more hair on his upper lip than your basic old lady.”    

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