WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.—The impact of Friedrich Nietzsche on our times ist überwältigend, so overwhelming, in fact, that it often seems as if there is more than one Nietzsche; and according to The New Yorker, which never settles for one when many will do, there are neun Nietzsche: French, American, pragmatic, analytic, feminist, gay, black, environmentalist, and proto-fascist. What?!? No trans Nietzsche … and more importantly, no Rat Kolumnist Neitzsche?
To correct that übersehen we celebrate National Ask Nietzsche Day. Instead of asking yourself what Jesus would do, say, when his girlfriend starts yelling out for god during sex, we suggest you ask Nietzsche instead. He is, after all, a savvy advice columnist.
My girlfriend of several weeks has a habit that could doom our relationship. Whenever we have sex, which is often and loud, she begins screaming “Oh god, oh god, oh my god” right before she comes. The problem is, I’m an atheist, and I find this habit distracting. How do I tell her I’d like her to scream something else, preferably my name, instead?
Doesn’t your girlfriend know that god is gestorben? The neighbors are more likely to hear her screaming than god is.
You are not alone with this problem, mein Freund. It is more common than you think. It is also a good reason for dating only atheists. If you want to continue enjoying this woman’s company, however, perhaps you ought to have the “religion” discussion at this point. At least you’ll know to which god she is screaming, and she’ll know you’re an atheist. Thus, if she’s sensitive, she’ll start screaming for Zeus, the Great Pumpkin, or some other imaginary being when the clit hits the meat stick.
If you’re worried that your being an atheist will bother her, you might try counter programming. Just as she’s about to begin paging god next time, start screaming her name. Match her scream for scream, decibel for decibel. Maybe she’ll get the hint and start screaming your name instead of that other fellow’s.
You might also experiment with different positions if you haven’t done so already. According to the latest Nielsen research, more women voice-dial god from the missionary than from any other position. Those are more likely to elicit a thunderous fuck me harder, you beast man, oh, baby, baby, or yes, yes, YESSSSS. These positions include but are not limited to doggie style, cowgirl, or flat iron. We cannot recommend the seated scissor as more injuries are sustained in that position than all the rest combined, including seven stars around the moon.
Finally, may I recommend 69, the sacred number, the magical mystery tour. A woman with a mouthful of bratwurst isn’t going to be calling anyone’s name, and even if she is a ventriloquist and manages to eke out an “ahrurr ghurrd,” she’ll sound as if she’s speaking in tongues and you’ll still have the option of crushing her thighs against your ears and blocking out the sound, not to mention the light.
If all else fails, and you don’t want to resort to a ball gag, just let her pleas for god go in one ear and out the same one. At the end of the lay, it’s no skin off your dogma.
Last year I went to a friend’s house for Xmas dinner. To everyone’s surprise he insisted that we say grace before dinner, something he had never done before. When a few people, myself included, attempted to make light of the suggestion, he said, “If you don’t like it, you can wait in the bathroom.” I sat there in disbelief (and non-belief) while he began grace with the ludicrous salutation, “Heavenly Father . . . ” If he invites me back for Xmas dinner this year, what should I do?
Puzzled in Pennsylvania
God is gestorben for sure, but, unfortunately, the fools who believe in him still walk among us. If you are invited again this year, you could ask your newly pious friend what time he plans to say grace so you can arrange to arrive after that. You could go to his house of prayer and then excuse yourself and head for the bathroom when he begins talking to his heavenly father, or you could tell him politely when he invites you to dinner that you prefer not to eat with people who believe god had a hand in bringing the food to the table, and who address god in such a pompous manner. Heavenly father, indeed!
If you’re ever at someone’s table again and he begins to say grace, raise your hand quietly when he’s finished, announce that you are a Wiccan, and ask if you can thank The Goddess for bringing the vegetables to the table, observing archly that your god is a vegan. Have an invocation ready in case your host is the rare religious person with a shred of tolerance.
Next Ellen: Was Friedrich Nietzsche a secret lesbian
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