National Heteronormative Pride Day

If Voltaire had not said, “Define your terms and the argument ceases,” we would have to pretend that he had, if only to poke a stick in the eye of the Woke Mob, which will no doubt scream bloody murder that Voltaire was a racist, anti-semite, anti-dentite, homophobic son of a bitch. Probably kicked his dog, too.

Still, if Voltaire’s quote about defining terms did not exist, we would have to invent it;  and the first term that we would define in the interest of ceasing arguments would be heteronormative, “relating to or based on the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality.”

That’s a bog-standard definition actually, one to which even a Woke person could assent; yet as sure as pussy hats have ears, if we define heteronormative as the only normal and natural expression of sexuality,” then certain arguments do cease to exist, like the argument that drag queens should be allowed to groom little children in public. Or that parents should be kept out of the loop if their kids decide to change genders as casually as they change hair styles. Or that being gay is so wonderful that it requires an entire month of fulsome celebrations, while being straight merits exactly none.

Until the day before yesterday, we had never thought much about heteronormative, and we were not aware that it had thought much about us. We had heard it shouted from time to time, usually by some intersectionalist whose arguments diminish as the number of syllables used to describe them grows.

Proud of what, exactly?

On further review, however, it turns out that heteronormative  is a blunt-force instrument wielded by a small but scurrilous, alphabet-crazy segment of the population (8 per cent or so, generously) on the dominant, dare we say normal, segment of that same population.

Heteronormative was coined by a professor at Yale (where else?) in a queer theory exercise several decades ago. Herr Doctor Professor did not intend the slightest approbation with his coinage. Nor do other members of the Hard Left. Their aim is to use heteronormative to start arguments in which they bully people with whom they disagree.

This is ample justification for declaring that August 7 is National Heteronormative Pride Day. We’ve even got a snappy slogan to drive our micro-aggressive point home: “We’re straight. We’re great. Nine out of ten people can’t be wrong.”

We have defined our term. Let the arguments cease. If that seems a bit churlish, so will this: if LGBTQIAFPRM types can be proud about putting their junk in a different trunk–and mount freak-show parades to wave that fact in the straight world’s face–we straight folk can be just as proud about coloring within the dominant heteronormative lines or shunning any violation of the laws of god, nature, or fashion; and proud of behaving in such a way as not to frighten the horses.

In closing, let those LGBTQIAFPRM folks know that we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take this shit any more. The pot of gold wants its rainbow back. Civil discourse wants its civility back. You brother-fuckers had better return them posthaste or risk bringing down a heteronormative shit rain upon your heads.