It’s so 1972
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.—Pot is dead. Deader than a pile of stinking roaches in a dirty ashtray. Deader than Jerry Garcia. Deader than phone booths or analog clocks, the draft, or smoking on airplanes. Weed is, like, so 1973. So are rolling joints, the Rolling Stones, roach clips, cleaning bongs, drinking the bong water, burning a hole in your tie-dyed shirt, or having your dealer stuff a bag of weed in your face as though you’re supposed to be impressed with the smell when he wouldn’t known a terpene from a trichome.
Like a chicken without a headshop, however, pot continues to exhibit signs of activity that some diehards might mistake for life. No matter. Uber deaths like this occur long before most people notice the death rattle. Indeed, there are still worshipers who attend church on Sunday even though god has been dead an ungodly long time; and most people mos def still cling to their pot, pipes, and papers despite the evidence that joints are the most inefficient way to enjoy marijuana’s leafy charms.
The most telling signs that pot is dead are these: fewer kids are smoking it; more adults and old farts are; Willie Nelson has switched from leaf to tinctures, edibles, patches, and such. If Willie goes, can the world be far behind? As we said: marijuana è morto.
The United States Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration in its 2018 report informed us that past-year marijuana use by those ages twelve to seventeen fell consistently since 2002, from 15.8 percent to 12.5 percent.
Meanwhile The Washington Post reported three years ago that between 2002 and 2016, “regular marijuana use among Americans age 45 to 54 has jumped by nearly 50 percent. Among those ages 55 to 64, it’s jumped by a whopping 455 percent (no, that’s not a typo). And among seniors, age 65+, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent since 2002.”
Admittedly, four out of five smokers still get off the old school way; but ten years ago just about everybody did; and ten years from now pot smokers will be disappearing faster than white people in this country. All the hip kids will be representin’ that the vape pen is mightier than the roach clip. Such was the conclusion reached by the University of Michigan’s Monitoring the Future Panel, which reported that vaping marijuana as well as nicotine had doubled between 2017 and 2018.
You do the math, if you’re not too stoned: pot smoking will eventually be reduced to a roach too small to keep lit without setting your mustache on fire. In the meantime, expect to see a lot of glassy-eyed people walking around with burn holes in their mustaches.
Next Ellen: Would you let your daughter marry a lesbian?
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