National Seat Belt Alarm Silencer Day℠

an image

The never-ending resistance to the nanny state and to soccer moms everywhere is marked by small but sustaining victories. Folding, spindling, or mutilating where prohibited. Sending contraband through the mail. Swapping prices on items in the supermarket. Little things mean a lot. One massive little thing in the war against those who would tell us how to live is the seat belt alarm silencer. Inserted where the fucking seat belt clip normally goes, this device prevents your car from ding-ding-dinging throughout eternity . . . or until you cave in and fasten your damn seat.

Who hasn’t dreamed of ripping the vocal chords out of the Seat Belt Nanny . . . of strangling that tinny-voiced bitch into silence? Now you can for the low, low price of $8.28 on Amazon. Brilliant, and even more brilliant, the design of this seat belt alarm silencer allows it to double as a bottle cap opener, which allows you to pop the top on a frostie before setting off in blissful silence.

Don’t order just one of these beasties, however. You’ll need at least two for your car, one for your wife’s car, and a spare for any other car in which you ride.

Warning: if you are unfortunate enough to share a car with a seat belt user, you will have to spend some time training that person to put the silencer back where she found it after using your car; and if you leave a silencer in the passenger side of your wife’s car, don’t expect her damn friends to bother to put it back either. We have met the enemy and they are fucking with our seal belt alarm silencers.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.