Paris Hilton celebrates her 25th birthday today. Her party was spoiled by an incident in London that eerily predicted the following horoscope from Pugnacious.
“You can’t expect to get by on your money and your ego forever. Spend less time cultivating your image and more time cultivating the inner you. Begin by learning to spell. If you write in your dairy [sic] that you’d like “lots of flours” for Valentine’s, you’re setting yourself up to get bombed with flour at a fashion show. Do not attempt to snort the flour. It is not cocaine.”
You are ruled by Saturn and Uranus. The former is not a car; the latter is not a body part. Because of this alignment and the fact that you were born late in the Aquarian cycle, you are not like other Aquarians. While they are humanitarians who want to make the world a better place in which to live, you exist to make magazines a better place in which to see yourself. While other Aquarians are innovative, progressive types who think “outside of the box,” you think with yours.
Symbol: the water bearer; element: air; modality: possibly bi; key phrase: Like I know?; keywords: appearance fee.
In addition to this custom-tailored analysis, Pugnacious offers the following off-the-rack horoscopes for the week of February 19.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Has reality been falling short of predictions here lately? Remember that the zodiac year begins in March. Have you been adjusting your predictions accordingly? And we hope you remembered to factor in the Pugnacious year, which begins whenever he needs it to. But what’s a year? It’s just a dis-
heartening way to grow older in larger increments.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): During a reenactment of Pickett’s ill-considered charge at the Battle of Gettysburg, you discover a document that proves Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address from a Bull Run Life, Casualty, and Cow Theft brochure. Instead of making you rich, your discovery brings you nothing but calumny and venom, and you will find it increasingly difficult to get insurance.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A person with the initials B.O. and a birthmark in the middle of her forehead will ask your advice about a personal matter. If your Lands’ End catalog doesn’t yield a solution, do what Pugnacious does when he’s stumped: Wave your arms, stand on one foot and shout, “What am I supposed to be, psychic?”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): A pair of Earth shoes dominates your future. Do they represent a window of opportunity or a hole in the ozone layer? A gift from the white dove of peace or an omen from an albino crow with murderous intent? Anything’s possible when two of the strangest-looking people in the world, singers James Brown and Willie Nelson, share your birth sign.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): When Pugnacious threw the Sacred Turkey Leg of Eternal Wisdom, it landed between a rock and a hard place, where it remains stuck. Pilgrims from many lands will try to remove the Sacred Leg. If anyone does, you must exchange identities with that person; but as long as no one extracts the Sacred Leg, you will enjoy wealth untold.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your sun and liver spots point to self-improvement. Now’s the time to develop a sense of humor, strong wrists, poise, and self-confidence. Most important, develop the roll of film from the Valentine-swapping party you hosted. It contains some interesting shots of your next door neighbor and the Three Stooges of the Zodiac—Sneezy, Weepy, and Spacey.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This is your golden era. It will make the rest of your life seem like cold grits. Pugnacious would tell you how long this era’s going to last, but he forgot to thaw the entrails this morning. Whatever, you’re good through Saturday midnight at least. Enjoy your incredible luck, heightened sensitivity to pleasure, and the large sum of money you’re about to inherit.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): The number 7.3 looms large in your future. So do the politics of Bono and the song stylings of George W. Bush. While striving to improve your balance by standing on one foot, you will realize that the secret of longevity is immobility. What goes around, wears out. Learn to adapt to any surroundings. Remember, wherever you hang yourself is home.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Internal strife creates static cling in your house. One of your friends believes the stars control our fates. Another friend believes the crop circles in the back yard are messages from Urantia. Stay neutral in this debate, and don’t waste time worrying about that dream in which Larry King is hawking a new memory-enhancing foot powder made of garlic, ginseng, and shredded divorce papers.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Your patron saint is John’s Wort. Your aura is a black light. Your lucky number is not a positive integer. Your cosmic river is the No Return. You will embark on a spiritual journey on which you meet a man named Hobson. He gives you a choice: peace in the Middle East or on the The Jerry Springer Show. Choose wisely.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You will have a strange dream in which you see a giant field of sunflowers in the distance. As you race toward the field in slow motion, you begin to hear a sound coming from the sunflowers. When you reach the field, you discover that the sunflowers have the faces of the Village People, and they’re singing “YMCA.” Perhaps a night light is in order.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Your sun is in Leo, which could portend trouble because it’s supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo’s son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt, who threatens to make public the details of Leo’s son’s stepmother’s affair with Leo’s psychic advisor. Pictures at 11:00. Parental caution advised.
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