HAMPTON ROADS, VA—People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ (PETA) latest campaign is likely to be its most controversial. The veteran animal rights crusaders plan a “full-on effort” to warn people about the dangers of having sex in front of their animals. Calling this practice “the single most damaging thing that pet owners can do to harm their animals’ psyches,” a PETA spokesperson warned that before pet owners get to bumping uglies they should make sure their pets are confined safely in another part of the house, preferably one that is out of earshot.
According to PETA, most animal behavior problems are the result of “too much exposure to human sexual activity.” Therefore, pet owners who subject their little friends to triple-x-rated performances should not be surprised if their dogs break into the hamper and chew soiled underwear, or their cats sit on the coffee table trying to lick the fur off their butts whenever company arrives, or their birds straddle the bars of their perches and rock back and forth suggestively.
“That white stuff on the floor of bird cages isn’t all bird shit,” grinned the PETA spokesperson.
Sonia Fitzgerald, board certified animal communicator and author of What the Animals Tell Me, claims that animals “talk all the time about how freaked out they are at seeing their people naked and sweaty and gasping for breath.
“I was talking to a three-year-old shih tzu on the phone the other day,” said Ms. Fitzgerald. “That dog told me it was unbelievably stressful to watch her owners making love two or three times a week.”
PETA explains that small breeds like the shiz tzu can be especially traumatized by the sight of two people getting busy because “human genitalia appear threateningly large to a small dog. If you think about the difference in size between a shiz tzu’s penis and the average human’s penis, even Jude Law’s penis, you can understand our concern.”
Because small breeds cannot jump off the bed without risking injury, they have no place to hide when festivities break out, said Ms. Fitzgerald. “The poor shiz tzu told me that even if she turns her head and closes her eyes, ‘They make so much noise I can’t ignore them.’ I felt so sorry for that little dog. When her ‘mother’ starts calling out for god, the dog has no way of knowing that ‘mommy’ isn’t being hurt.”
People who give pet names to their genitals “compound the trauma,” said Fitzgerald. “This shiz tzu was a nervous wreck because she thought there was a bald-headed man named Vlad the Impaler hiding under the covers waiting to stab her ‘mommy.'”
In related news, PETA said that despite the dangers inherent in letting animals watch humans at play, there is no evidence that watching animals having sex is harmful to humans “as long as they don’t let their neighbors find out.”
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