THE FRENCH QUARTER – Speaking from the courtyard of a sports bar in New Orleans’ historic French Quarter, President George W. Bush declared that rebuilding the hurricane ravaged city was “job one” for the American people.
“This is where the fight against Nature’s terrorism begins anew,” said Bush. “If we don’t want to face the enemy on American soil, we must face him in foreign lands. That is why I’m proposing tonight that New Orleans be rebuilt in Iraq.”
After pausing to allow the ingenuity of his plan to sink in on his audience and himself, the president continued. “No way in hell it makes any sense to rebuild the city here. Building a city under sea level is just askin’ for trouble, folks, but building a city in the desert just about makes it flood proof.”
The president cited a number of reasons why rebuilding New Orleans in Iraq makes sense: the climates are similar; the annual murder rate is lower in Iraq; large parts of Iraq are without electricity and running water; Americans working in Iraq don’t pay any taxes either; and people in the United States are getting tired of all these telethons.
The president’s critics, however, were quick to condemn his proposal.
“This is nothing more than a back-door attempt at colonization,” said California senator Barbara Boxer. “There are no jobs in Iraq, so many residents of the New New Orleans will be tempted to sign up for the military. If we rebuild New Orleans in Iraq, we might just as well kiss our exit strategy good-bye.”
Next Oprah: Kenny Chesney’s hat reveals the true reason for the Zellweger-Chesney split.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
