WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump announced this morning that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorism and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president said that such incidents could threaten America’s confidence in its infrastructure.
“We’re working hard to keep this country headed in the right direction,” said the president, “but we can’t do that if people lose faith in their GPS devices.”
According to the president, a recent MSNBC-ESPN poll demonstrated that loss of faith.
“More than half the people in this country believe we’re headed in the wrong direction,” said the president. “I blame crappy, ‘off-shore’ GPS systems for this sad lack of direction. Americans shouldn’t buy any GPS system manufactured in a shithole country.”
The most recent case of a “sad” GPS malfunction involved a Trump-supporting Nevada couple John and Beth Martin, who were stranded on Christmas Day after their SUV’s navigation system sent them down a remote dirt road and into a ditch in the Winema-Fremont National Forest outside the small town of Silver Lake.
“We were just looking for a McDonald’s,” said Mr. Martin, 67. He and his wife, 65, were stranded overnight with nothing but candy canes for sustenance and the Kenny G. Christmas album for amusement. Finally a rescue team responded to their weak cell-phone signal and pulled the couple’s four-wheel-drive Toyota Sequoia out of the ditch.
“The GPS kept sending us down these tiny dirt roads,” said Mrs. Martin, “and when we asked for an alternate route, it told us to ‘shut up and drive’ in this Middle Eastern accent. It was almost like it had a mind of its own.”
Following his Rose Garden appearance this morning, President Trump told reporters that he would drive from the White House to Camp David this weekend with nothing but a GPS for guidance.
In related news, the Automobile Association of America is advising travelers to drive their cars around the block a few times to test their GPS systems before setting out on a journey of more than ten miles.
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