Born today you are strongly influenced by the House of Cinema, the ruling house in Leo. Unfortunately, the House of Cinema is a multiplex arrangement, and your fate hinges on which unmarked door of the house you choose.
Choose the Robert Redford door, 77. and you will be fated to stay forever youngish while avoiding that picture of yourself when you were truly young. The Roman Polanski door, 80, means you will lose a loved one suddenly or get caught for drugging and raping a minor thirty years your junior in Jack Nicholson’s house, which isn’t easy to do when you’re only forty-three goddamn years old at the time. The Steve Chen door 35, maybe? Do you really want your every waking moment chronicled on YouTube? What about the Martin Mull door 70. He’s funny, multitalented, quite successful, and an atheist. Choose wisely, your movie starts soon.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): You fall awake at the wheel while astral traveling and crash into a small, picturesque town in Maine where people are murdered at a terrifying rate. At a town meeting you suggest that the best way to put a stop to these crimes is to run the old busybody on the bicycle out of town.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Once in a hundred leap years, when Sirius Doggy Dogg enters the House of the Seven Gables, a canine is born whose birthdays are not divisible by seven. Many will be this wonder dog’s blessings, and great will be his wealth and fame, but he still won’t be allowed in restaurants unless accompanied by a blind person.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): A bolt of lightning from a summer storm strikes the invisible-fence box on your dog’s collar. When he wakes up, he’s able to read people’s minds. Soon he runs away from home after realizing that his owners spend most of their time thinking really trivial thoughts.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): A chronic tendency to mix metaphors may cause embarrassment in the latter stages of the current lunar cycle. Isn’t that a fine kettle of meat? You could wind up between a rock and a sweat unless you chew your words carefully. Remember, it isn’t how you slay the game, but whether you’re too thin or too rich.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Your request to change your birth date legally so that it coincides with the Aztec calendar turns the worldwide judicial community on its briefs. Microsoft likes the idea, however, and promptly begins development of Windows 8736 with a cool screen saver in which the face of Bill Gates morphs into the image of the Sun God.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): An unforeseen adjustment in the solar system creates a 13th sign of the zodiac, Ten-Ten-Three-Two-One. Homeless people hired on commission to shill this mutant sign will call while you’re having dinner to ask aggressively if you’re satisfied with your present astrological carrier. Tell them you can’t talk with your mouth full.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Catmando senses that your life is beginning to resemble the movie Ground Hog Day. To break free of this debilitating time warp, remove all memory sticks from your USB ports and all sharp objects from your kitchen, then reformat your hard drive.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): “Your tactfulness and grace under pressure always put others at their ease.” Does that sound as if Catmando’s quoting from surplus fortune cookie?Perhaps the comptroller of the Mighty Sons, Daughters, and Other Children of Aquarius forget to renew the group’s subscription to Catmando’s Psychic Hotline? Think about it.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your Jeopardy answer is, “They changed themselves into fish one day to avoid being captured by the horrible monster Typhon.” If you correctly asked, “Who are Venus and her son, Cupid?” you win a trip to a Jimmy Buffett concert. If you answered incorrectly, you win two trips to a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): An all-consuming fear of a global warming disaster leads to a recurring nightmare in which you are lying in the middle of Broad Street in Philadelphia on an unseasonably warm New Year’s Day, and a rogue group of mummers dressed like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show is bearing down on you singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Because of an unusually wet spring, your neighbor’s garden will produce astonishing loads of zucchini this year, and you will find yourself the beneficiary of her largess. The only way to stem this tide is by leaving a bag of peanut-butter-and-zucchini sandwiches on her doorstep, setting the bag on fire, ringing the doorbell, and running away.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): The confluence of the medial tarsal galaxies is propitious for economic ventures, but a duck-billed cap with a removable brim that converts into a pooper-scooper may be a little outré for the QVC crowd. Reproductions of the First Dogs’ food bowls might fly, though you may have to fake a few because some of those dogs were fed off the White House floor.
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