CRAWFORD, Texas – A medical image taken with the latest Ham-corder technology revealed an imprint of President George W. Bush’s face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s prostate.
The startling image, stolen from the office of a board-
certified urologist in Crawford, Texas, where Mayor Giuliani is employed in the presidential motor pool, appeared yesterday on the prostatehealth.org website.
By late last night the image had been downloaded more than 35,000 times after a woman from Snipe, Alabama, claimed in an evangelical chatroom that the image had healing powers. The site’s primary server had to be taken off line eventually because it had become grotesquely swollen.
According to sources close to the image, Mayor Giuliani visited the board-certified urologist two weeks ago to have an official prostate portrait made.
A presumed candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, Mayor Giuliani planned to release the portrait in order to prove he is recovered from the prostate cancer he used as an excuse for ducking Hillary Rodham Clinton in the 2000 race for a U.S. Senate seat from New York. Senator Clinton, coincidentally, may wind up opposing Mayor Giuliani in the 2008 presidential election.
A spokeswoman for the senator refused to say whether Ms. Clinton planned to release a medical image of her prostate. The spokeswoman did assure reporters, however, that Senator Clinton’s prostate is “completely normal” for a female politician her age.
Reaction to the discovery of the presidential image ranged from cautious to caustic. Mayor Giuliani has long been viewed with suspicion by the religious right because of his pro-choice, pro-civil-union positions. In an attempt to spackle that rift, the mayor campaigned for former Christian Coalition leader Ralph Reed back in May.
Nevertheless, Terry Meeuwsen, co-host of The 700 Club on the Christian Broadcasting Network, stopped short of calling the prostate imprint “God”s handiwork.”
Ms. Meeuwsen, a former Miss America and a one-time member of the New Christy Minstrels, told reporters, “It is too soon to know whether deep in His bowels God wants His faithful to know that He has hand-picked Rudolph Giuliani to continue the work of George W. Bush here on earth.”
Meeuwsen said, however, that commemorative bath towels bearing the presidential prostate image are available on The 700 Club website.
Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of former presidential candidate John Kerry, said she wasn’t surprised about the appearance of President Bush’s image on Mayor Giuliani’s prostate.
“In fact,” said Mrs. Kerry, “it wouldn’t surprise me to find Bush’s thumb print there.”
In related news, Senator Ted Kennedy’s office announced there is no need for his constituents to be alarmed by the discovery that the senator’s prostate is shaped like a bottle of Absolut vodka.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
