HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. – Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State’s beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites.
“I’m shocked to tell you the truth,” said Creamery manager Tim Brown. “We wouldn’t have hardly sold any Sandusky Blitz during the last two years if it wasn’t for Jerry [Sandusky] bringing kids in all the time and buying them ice cream. You shoulda seen the looks in those kids eyes as they licked their cones and looked up at Jerry as if to say, ‘like this?'”
Recent revelations that Mr. Sandusky, 67, a former defensive coordinator at Penn State, has been indicted for buggering half the young boys in Happy Valley have done wonders for sales of Sandusky Blitz, which shot up to number three among The Creamery’s top five flavors over the weekend. A combination of snips and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails in a banana base with musky bouquet and a salty aftertaste, Sandusky Blitz trails only vanilla and bittersweet mint in The Creamery’s top five, edging out peachy Paterno and butter pecan.
According to Mr. Brown, The Creamery will stand by Sandusky Blitz “until Jerry is proven guilty or we run out of that flavor.” Asked if he had ever eaten Sandusky Blitz, Mr. Brown paused.
“Uh, yeah, I tried it once, but I spit it out because I didn’t like the taste.”
In related news, Sports Publishing LLC, which published Mr. Sandusky’s autobiography Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story in 2000, denied rumors that it was going to retitle the book I Didn’t Touch Anybody: The Jerry Sandusky Story.
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