MIAMI – Tara Reid, the once promising star of American Pie, is rumored to be at risk for Soy Oil Lachrymosis (SOL), a potentially life threatening condition that affects women who have had breast augmentation surgery. While her legions of horrified fans look on, Reid’s mammary implants seem to be growing larger by the day. If her condition is not reversed, her life could be in danger.
“She ought to see a doctor soon, or at least a good body and fender shop,” said Luis Alarcon, M.D., president and director of marketing for Soy You Want a Bigger Chest in Mexico City.
Although most women who have their breasts enlarged choose an adjustable saline pump model or a silicone grapefruit bag, Reid traveled to Mexico City last year to obtain the controversial soy bean oil implants because she “hated the thought of anything artificial in my body.”
Reid also liked the small computer chip routinely inserted with soy oil implants. The chip contains a person’s medical history as well as her name, address, and phone number.
“The chip is so cool,” said Reid. “If you can’t find your way home, the cops can read the chip and know where to take you.”
Soy bean oil implants were developed at Washington University in St. Louis in the early 1990s as an alternative to traditional breast implants, which interfere with obtaining a clear mammogram reading. What’s more, soy bean oil implants are organic, i.e., made from purified, denatured soy bean oil extract. Nevertheless, soy implants were taken off the market in English-speaking countries and Canada in 1999 after several women had died from elephantiasis jugulosis, hideously enlarged breasts.
One of the earliest victims of elephantiasis jugulosis was Bethany Maxwell, a computer programmer from Toronto, who died on Boxing Day in 1997.
“All of a sudden her [breasts] just started growing, almost as if they were alive,” said Maxwell’s husband, Gordon. “The next thing I knew, she had toppled over and died.”
In point of fact, Maxwell’s breasts were alive. If soy bean oil is not purified and denatured properly, it can revert to an active state, re-solidify, and begin growing in volume. If allowed to grow unchecked, its growth can be fatal.
Ironically, because SOL first manifests itself in balance problems, many women, Reid included, are suspected of drinking when they begin pitching forward and falling.
“We all thought Tara fell down a lot because she was drunk,” said Reid’s close friend Paris Hilton. “If she died of this halitosis thing, I’d feel terrible for making fun of her.”
In other news, the electroshock machine at the newly opened Psychiatry: an Industry of Death museum in Hollywood malfunctioned yesterday, severely burning a twelve-year-old tourist and rendering him incapable of speaking. The machine, which was designed to simulate the “excruciating pain of electroschock therapy,” is one of the most popular attractions of the museum, which was created by the Citizens Commission for Human Rights, a Scientology front group.
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