OPP, Alabama – A boxed-set, leather-bound collectors edition of the Ten Commandments, complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet containing an accurate facsimile of God’s original outline and recording notes, will hit record stores early next week. The spoken word CD, which also contains divinely inspired B-sides and studio outtakes, is being released by Almighty Records in time to catch the wave of publicity generated by yesterday’s Supreme Court Ten Commandments decision.
The high court ruled that the Ten Commandments could not be displayed in the lobby of the Pulaski County courthouse in Kentucky or in any other courthouse if the commandments were placed there to promote religion. The commandments had been showcased in the Pulaski County courthouse in a gilt-edge frame until the American Civil Liberties Union filed a successful suit in 1999 to have them removed. Since then the fifteen-pound frame has been occupied by a calendar from Roy’s Twenty-Four-Hour Bail Bonds and Towing Service.
“We know that Christians everywhere will want to own a copy of this limited collectors edition of the Ten Commandments as God actually may have spoken them,” said the Reverend Thurston “Spike” Aloysius, CEO of Almighty Records and pastor of the Fire and Brimstone Tabernacle of God in Opp, Alabama. “What’s more, inside every boxed-set of the Ten Commandments is a poster from the movie of the same name.”
The Reverend Spike pointedly observed that “given the pusillanimous nature of the Supreme Court’s decision,” the commemorative movie poster “might could be hung” in courthouses if the intention is to promote CD sales and not religion.
Simply called “10,” the CD contains not only the standard Ten Commandments but also B-sides that almost made the original ten but were dropped at the last minute because “religion is a base-ten deal,” said the Reverend Spike.
“You got your top-ten lists, your ten-minute exercise programs, your ten-day diet plans; that’s just the way God-fearing people think.”
Among the more interesting B-side commandments that were never released are the following: Thou shalt not let the dog sleep in the house at night; Thou shalt not have more than one bathroom indoors; Thou shalt not move your dwelling on the Sabbath; Thou shalt not marry your brother’s spouse while your brother is still living; Thou shalt not get too drunk to fish.
Equally fascinating, said the Reverend Spike, are the studio outtakes of the Ten Commandments that “God is thought to have considered and rejected.” The First Commandment, for example, originally read, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me no matter how swift the vehicles they drive.”
The Fifth Commandment originally read, “Honor thy father and thy mother no matter how closely they might be related.”
According to the Reverend Spike, advance sales of “10” are so great that the CD is expected to ship platinum.
“This should put to rest for once and for all,” he said, “any question about whether God is more popular than the Beatles.”
In related news, the Reverend Spike told Prophecy Watch magazine that “Don’t Covet Your Neighbor’s Booty, Bubba,” the first music video from “10,” will be featured in heavy rotation on the 700 Club all next month.
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