WEST CHESTER, Penna.—Born today you share a birthday and certain disquieting tendencies with author Stephen King, 68, actor Luke Wilson, 44, and former celebrity Nicole Richie, 34. Perhaps you are also the same height as one of these boobs, a trait whose significance is frequently overlooked by lesser astrologers.
If you are short for your height, as Nicole Richie is, do not despair. You aren’t doomed to a superficial existence. There are other celebrities—some of whom even possess an MCH’s worth of talent—who are 5’1″, among them are Lady Gaga, Nelly Furtado, Christina Ricci, Hayden Panettiere, Ellen Page, Carrie Fisher, and Bette Midler.
If you are inclined to the average, the nondescript, and the forgettable, you are more like fellow Virgo Luke Wilson than perhaps you want to be. Mr. Wilson is so vanilla that he manages to confound even those who never forget a face. At a mediocre six feet tall, Mr. Wilson is the same height as Jesus Christ, Elvis Presley, Tom Hanks, Nicolas Cage, Jake Gyllenhaal, George Michael, Matthew McConaughey, and Ted Bundy. (Jesus’ height is suspect, however, because religious writers tend to add a few inches to dieties’ heights.)
Tall Virgos, like 6’4″ author Stephen King, can’t be expected to see eye-to-eye with many people. For this reason taller Virgos are often accused of looking down their noses at folks. If this is how people see you, take heart in knowing that Nelson Mandela, Osama bin Laden, Steven Seagal, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Phelps, David Hasselhoff, Liam Neeson, Tom Selleck, and Tom Brady are your vertical soul mates.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): A person with the initials B.O. and a birthmark in the shape of Maine in middle of her forehead will ask your advice about a personal matter. If your Neiman Marcus catalog doesn’t yield a solution, do what your astrologer does when he’s stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the fuck do you think I am, psychic?”
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, may we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog? It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better still, it contains discount coupons and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Someone will come to your door this week dressed as Larry King, trying to sell you a garlic supplement. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. Failing that, he’ll ask to use your bathroom. Don’t let him. He also hustles Charlie Sheen’s Flush-Away.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): A stranger will stop you in the mall and ask if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, spin around once, and shout, “Into what, you mother-fucker, a toad?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): In a recurring (or is it reoccurring) dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion—and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Lonely for company? Take a large-format Polaroid shot of the heavens at midnight while lying on your back, then use a white marker to connect selected dots so that they resemble a guitar. Send the photo to a newspaper, claiming Elvis appeared to you in the sky, and he said he’s coming back. Relax and wait for the motor homes to start arriving.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): While waiting on hold to talk to a consultant at the United States Patent and Trademark Office, you overhear a conversation between two high-level officials. They’re discussing a new weight-reduction drug that eliminates appetite without the usual side effects of dry mouth, flashes of all-consuming rage, and shattering paranoia. Your first reaction is to hang up so you won’t be tempted to profit from this information. What are you, nuts?
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon is in denial, but the planet Immodium will keep you from losing control as long as you don’t have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. Later this week fortune smiles on you, but it’s a Mona Lisa smile, and she may have a sharp object hidden under her dress.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from all your purchases into your computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs. When you return to your house, you notice the dog is missing.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The embarrassing rash that kept you indoors most of the summer should be gone by now, and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the Stephen King, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling hot tub this week. As a consequence, you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2017. Nevertheless, for reasons that cannot be revealed, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on the third even-numbered Wednesday in a month to become famous.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or small African nation in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business.
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