Side-Effects-May-Include Horoscopes for August 10, 2025
(A horoscope that serves as a pharmaceutical warning label, a surreal prophecy, and a cautionary tale for anyone who’s ever tried to astrally project while microwaving a burrito.)
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will be crowned “Supreme Being of the Local DMV” after a dramatic monologue about license renewal and parallel parking. Side effects may Include inflated mane syndrome, spontaneous jazz hands, and a need for constant validation. May cause allergic reactions to humility.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will alphabetize your inhibitions and laminate your dreams. Side effects may include perfectionist paralysis, spreadsheet hallucinations, and compulsive correction of celestial grammar. May cause passive-aggressive sighing at the universe’s formatting errors.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will officiate a wedding between two rival cults and accidentally start a third. Side effects may include chronic indecision, diplomatic vertigo, and a tendency to weigh pros and cons until the heat death of the universe. May cause allergic reactions to asymmetry.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will seduce a ghost, then ghost the ghost, who issues a fatwa. Side effects may include emotional spelunking and venomous charm. May cause psychic hangovers and haunted voicemail inboxes.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will hitchhike across dimensions using only a novelty map of Wisconsin and a compass made of cheese. Side effects may include restless leg syndrome of the soul, philosophical rants at vending machines, and a tendency to mistake metaphors for actual roads. May cause spontaneous enrollment in cults disguised as yoga retreats.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You will fail to construct a pyramid scheme out of actual pyramids. Side effects may include blind ambition, existential spreadsheets, and a tendency to monetize enlightenment. May cause allergic reactions to whimsy.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You will invent a new form of currency based on interpretive dance and unsolicited opinions. Side effects may Include radical detachment, utopian migraines, and a tendency to start revolutions during brunch. May cause spontaneous TED Talks in elevators.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will astrally project into a soap opera and forget which character you are. Side effects may Include dream leakage, emotional osmosis, and a tendency to cry at commercials for dish soap. May cause confusion between reality and metaphorical sea creatures.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) Today you will attempt to start a revolution in a Trader Joe’s parking lot using only a kazoo and a manifesto written on napkins. Side effects may Include uncontrollable leadership urges, spontaneous combustion of ego, and acute delusions of grandeur. May cause ramming of metaphysical obstacles.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will fall in love today with a sentient sourdough starter named Noel. Be careful, it’s clingy. Side effects may Include excessive loafing, romantic carb-loading, and stubbornness that calcifies into geological formations. May also develop a deep mistrust of gluten-free products.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will host a podcast with your evil twin, but it’s just you arguing with yourself about the ethics of time travel. Side effects may Include verbal whiplash, identity vertigo, and occasional outbreaks of contradictory opinions. May cause listeners to question the nature of reality and Spotify’s algorithm.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will adopt seventeen emotional support crustaceans and teach them interpretive dance. Side effects may Include mood swings synchronized with lunar tides, shell envy, and a tendency to retreat into blanket forts. May cause excessive nurturing of inanimate objects.
For additional horoscopes from hell, explore the full archive and see just how deep the cosmic rabbit hole goes.
