November, 2011 - postcards from the pug bus

The Grammar Prick Sticks It to Alanis Morissette

philmaggitti 170 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – When President Obama said that America had been “lazy” for the past few decades, he was talking about our national language scandal. Americans, the president said, are too lazy to search … Read on

Sporting Life

Joe Paterno Diagnosed with Cancer, Penn State Students Riot

philmaggitti 196 Views 2 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna, – When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and … Read on

Culture

Facebook Considering Fuckbook Spinoff

Chip Hilton 179 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Surprised by some users’ reactions to the pornographic and violent images that appeared on Facebook recently, officials at the site are considering an adults-only version of Facebook, tentatively called Fuckbook.

“To … Read on

Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

philmaggitti 156 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband.… Read on

Culture

Six Hitler Substitutions That Won’t Get Your Ass in Trouble

philmaggitti 177 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Countless people have come to grief for comparing someone to Adolph Hitler. The latest, Chef Mario Batali, compared Wall Street executives to Hitler at a Time magazine panel recently.

“The ways … Read on

Ass Hats

Asshats of the Moment to Everyone Who Supports Joe Paterno

philmaggitti 211 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The Amalgamated Asshat Association will have to step up production this week in order to make enough asshats for all the Joe Paterno enablers who have earned one.

Did somebody lift … Read on

Sporting Life

Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?

philmaggitti 175 Views 2 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school’s board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years … Read on

Sporting Life

Jerry Sandusky’s Tiny Tots Football Camps Now Accepting Applications

philmaggitti 180 Views 3 min read

STATE COLLEGE, Penna. – Penn State coaching legend Jerry Sandusky will offer a series of Jerry’s Kids Tiny Tots football camps for disadvantaged youth ages six to nine next summer. The sessions will be held … Read on

Sporting Life

Sandusky Blitz Penetrates Top-Five Penn State Ice Cream Flavors

philmaggitti 165 Views 2 min read

HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. – Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State’s beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites.… Read on

Culture

Herman Cain Sex Video Less Thrilling than Cold Pizza

Biff Scuzzy 172 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA, Geo. – The third shoe and a ten-foot stack of pizza boxes have fallen on presidential candidate Herman Cain. For the last three days Mr. Cain, 65, has been tap dancing like a fool … Read on

Horoscopes

Your Daniel Boone, Marie-Antoinette, k.d. lang Holy Shit Horoscope

philmaggitti 187 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – An iconic frontiersman, a French queen with attitude, and an odd-looking weasel are your strange, astrological bedfellows. One gave us Boonesborough, Kentucky; one gave us a cliché; and the other gave … Read on