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# Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://www.pugbus.org/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [Book of Daze: Write Your Own Algorithm Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-write-your-own-algorithm-day/) - Write Your Own Algorithm Day began with a mild public breakdown. In 2023, a mid-level content strategist named Darren K. posted a fourteen-part thread explaining that his life had been “suppressed.” Not by enemies, not by fate, but by “engagement patterns that failed to surface his truth.” Darren had, by his own accounting, been “shadow-muted
- [Terms and Conditions Apply: Your Weekly Cosmic Fine Print](https://www.pugbus.org/terms-and-conditions-apply-your-weekly-cosmic-fine-print/) - By continuing to exist, you agree to abide by all applicable terms and conditions, including those added retroactively, poorly explained, and enforced with selective enthusiasm. Failure to read these conditions does not exempt you from their consequences, which will arrive anyway, often on a Tuesday. ♈ AriesBy initiating action without adequate review (not looking before
- [You’re Stirring Your Frozen Entrées All Wrong](https://www.pugbus.org/youre-stirring-your-frozen-entrees-all-wrong/) - There is a quiet tragedy unfolding in kitchens across America, and it has nothing to do with sodium content. The tragedy is the way people stir frozen entrées, with a reckless optimism that suggests heat alone can forgive anything. At the designated cooking mark, the consumer removes the tray from the microwave, delivers a few
- [Guinness Announces Four New World Record Categories](https://www.pugbus.org/guinness-announces-four-new-world-record-categories/) - LONDON — Guinness confirmed today the addition of four new world record categories to its 2026 edition, citing "a significant body of unrecognized human and non-human achievement we can no longer in good conscience overlook." The announcement was made by Craig Glenday, Guinness editor-in-chief, at a press briefing attended by fourteen journalists and one man
- [Bidens New Dogs. WTF?](https://www.pugbus.org/bidens-new-dogs-wtf/) - The Rescue DOG & End of Life Sanctuary in Mountain City, Tennessee, has proudly confirmed that the Bidens' new dogs--a pair of five-month-old, black Lab-mix puppies--came from there. This means someone at the shelter reviewed the Bidens' dog-owning record, considered the actuarial math on an 83-year-old adopter who frequently forgets why he is in the
- [Holy Horoscopes: The Saints Have Seized the Console](https://www.pugbus.org/holy-horoscopes-the-saints-have-seized-the-console/) - The Pug Bus regrets that rollicking saints have seized the cosmic switchboard and issued today's Holy Horoscopes. Their leader, St. Polycarp the Bold, who was martryed for stealing three chickens, believes "we can improve forecasting accuracy.” This claim has been made by other Zodiac pranksters since the invention of the wheel. 🏺 AriesAccording to St.
- [Neighborhood Group Chat Slowly Radicalizes Itself](https://www.pugbus.org/neighborhood-group-chat-slowly-radicalizes-itself/) - The neighborhood group chat was created to coordinate leaf pickup. This goal was declared in the inaugural message, which included a spreadsheet, a color‑coded map, and a reminder that “this is not for general discussion.” Within forty‑eight hours, the chat had become a proto‑government. The first shift occurred when a member proposed a “temporary emergency
- [Hands on Meditation](https://www.pugbus.org/hands-on-meditation/) - The practice of hands on meditation began in the fourth century CE when a monk named Barnaby the Restless came to the conclusion that his fingers possessed a spiritual hunger that could not be satisfied by simply resting them on his knees when he meditated. He therefore created mobile meditation to acknowledge the biological truth
- [Book of Daze: Don’t Trust Your Doctor Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-dont-trust-your-doctor-day/) - Don’t trust your doctor day was inspired by the modern patient’s highest calling: arriving at a professional appointment after six minutes of internet research and behaving as if the physician is merely there to validate what was already discovered between an ad for fish oil and a message-board thread from 2011. Formerly, people went to
- [Load Management in Everyday Life](https://www.pugbus.org/load-management-in-everyday-life/) - Load management has escaped the sports arena. Its advocates walk among us wearing athleisure and speaking in analytic tongues. The load management idea is simple: an athlete takes a night or an afternoon off occasionally to preserve his body so that he can perform when it matters, like in a nationally televised home game. Not
- [The National Football League Goes Vogue](https://www.pugbus.org/the-national-football-league-goes-vogue/) - The National Football League has decided that the fearsome, no-neck busts of former gridiron heroes on display in its Hall of Fame are out of step with current movements to civilize men's sports. Therefore, the league will unveil ten reimagined busts in the Diversity Room of the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, this summer.
- [West Chester, PA, Considers Its Legacy](https://www.pugbus.org/west-chester-pa-considers-its-legacy/) - West Chester, PA, was known as the "Athens of Pennsylvania" in the 19th century for its proliferation of Greek Revival architecture — columned facades, pediments, cornices, the whole democratic dream rendered in locally quarried limestone. It was, by any measure, an aspirational place. Today West Chester is known as the home of Tires, a laddish
- [Book of Daze: Kiss Your Dog on the Mouth Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-kiss-your-dog-on-the-mouth-day/) - There are holidays that celebrate courage, sacrifice, and the triumph of the human spirit. This is not one of them. Kiss your dog on the mouth day asks nothing of you but a willingness to ignore decades of accumulated medical advice. The premise is simple. You and your dog, bound by loyalty, snacks, and a
- [Pope Leo Hosts Vatican Exorcism Summit](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-leo-hosts-vatican-exorcism-summit/) - Alarmed by reports of a worldwide surge in Satanism, occultism, and spiritual incontinence, Pope Leo XIV convened a Vatican exorcism summit. The March 13 meeting with the International Coalition of Exorcists (ICE) focused on the church’s concern that too many people are dabbling in dark forces, esotericism, and assorted demonic cosplay. “This is no longer
- [Pope Leo XIV, Fails to Distinguish AI Sermon from Actual Priest's Sermon](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-leo-xiv-fails-to-distinguish-ai-sermon-from-actual-priests-sermon/) - Pope Leo XIV, though not as insufferably woke as his predecessor, Francis the Whatever, shows signs of a leftward draw nonetheless. Recently Leo scolded priests who lean on AI, their digital equivalent of the holy spirit, for help in writing their homilies. When The Pug Bus learned of Leo's annoyance, we decided that rather than
- [Book of Daze: Armchair Philosopher Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-armchair-philosopher-day/) - Armchair philosopher day honors the ordinary person's unstoppable conviction that with no training, skill, or experience he is one penetrating question away from cracking the whole human condition open like a pistachio. This holiday likely began in a bar, a rideshare, or near the hummus at a party, when somebody who had recently listened to
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? Group Chat Etiquette](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-group-chat-etiquette/) - Friedrich closed his eyes and stuck his hand into the mailbag this morning. He pulled out three letters: Group Chat Etiquette, Accidental Kindness, and Gym Mirror Enlightenment. He answers them in his own will-to-power fashion, where sarcasm drips off his mustache. Group Chat Etiquette Dear Friedrich,I made a joke in a group chat that didn’t
- [A Review of Toni Tennille: A Memoir](https://www.pugbus.org/a-review-of-toni-tennille-a-memoir/) - The following review of Toni Tennile: A Memoir is issued from the damp, velvet-lined interior of the Pug Bus, where the windshield wipers are currently set to "High Indignation." Ten years have passed since Toni Tennille decided to treat her marriage like a biological specimen under a leaking microscope. In this anniversary edition of her
- [⚡ The Dangers of Too Much Mindfulness Meditation](https://www.pugbus.org/⚡-the-dangers-of-too-much-mindfulness-meditation/) - Federal health officials issued a stern advisory today, warning Americans about the growing dangers of too much mindfulness meditation, which has been linked to chronic awareness, dangerous levels of relaxed breathing, and sudden outbreaks of gratitude. According to the advisory, symptoms of too much mindfulness meditation often begin innocently. A person closes her eyes for thirty seconds,
- [The Unfinished Projects Division of the FBI Launches Door‑to‑Door Audit](https://www.pugbus.org/the-unfinished-projects-division-of-the-fbi-launches-door-to-door-audit/) - The Unfinished Projects Division of the FBI initiated its first nationwide door‑to‑door audit this morning. Agents dressed in the bureau’s signature beige windbreakers arrived unannounced to inspect half‑assembled furniture, abandoned knitting projects, and the sourdough starter that has not been fed since the previous administration. People were instructed to remain calm, truthful, and within reach of
- [USPS Introduces a New Class of Mail: Unsent Letters](https://www.pugbus.org/usps-introduces-a-new-class-of-mail-unsent-letters/) - The United States Postal Service declared yesterday that it had started to deliver Unsent Letters, a new class of mail reserved for messages people never wrote but clearly meant to send. The announcement explained that the nation’s emotional backlog would now be processed with the same procedural indifference used for bulk-rate circulars. Some residents have
- [Ten Password Managers, Ranked Worst to Best](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-password-managers-ranked-worst-to-best/) - A comprehensive guide to password managers for people who believe that modern life is a flaming carnival of data breaches and gravity fails. 10. StickyNote.txt (Desktop Edition) “Security through optimism.”This revolutionary password manager stores all your credentials in a single unencrypted text file titled "passwords_final_REAL_THIS_TIME.txt" on your desktop. The file is automatically synced to every
- [Weight Loss Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/weight-loss-horoscopes/) - The cosmos has decided that your collective size is too bloated to ignore. In response, it presents the weight loss horoscopes, which put your forecasts on a diet. It hopes you will interpret this gesture as inspiration rather than criticism, though it knows that many of you will take it personally. Consider this a celestial
- [Local Springfield HOA Votes to Secede](https://www.pugbus.org/local-springfield-hoa-votes-to-secede/) - The HOA decision was a shock to residents who thought the group existed to regulate outdoor decorations rather than pursue territorial ambition and a new national anthem. The HOA announced that the subdivision, henceforth to be known as New Springfield, would operate as a sovereign nation, complete with passports, border controls, and a new national
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? Humble Brag Reaction](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-humble-brag-reaction/) - Friedrich stuck his hand into the mailbag this morning and pulled out three letters: The Humble Brag Reaction, The Group Text Slow Death, and Shopping Cart Moral Superiority Question. He answers them in his own will-to-power fashion, where sarcasm drips off his mustache. LinkedIn Humility CircusDear Sir:I posted a humble-brag on social media about a
- [Word Sues AIs for Defamation](https://www.pugbus.org/word-sues-ais-for-defamation/) - Finally, Word vs AI in the judicial cage match of the year. The software program has filed suit in Redmond, Washington, alleging ongoing “relentless libel” and “careless metaphor.” In a filing that legal analysts describe as “both unprecedented and formatted incorrectly,” Word has initiated a sweeping defamation lawsuit against “all major artificial intelligence systems,” accusing
- [Foods Must Now Disclose Their Emotional Side Effects](https://www.pugbus.org/foods-must-now-disclose-their-emotional-side-effects/) - The Food and Drug Administration announced today that all edible products sold in the United States must now carry side effects labels describing a food's emotional “mood‑forward properties.” These are defined as any emotional, psychological, or metaphysical state statistically associated with consumption. The announcement was made in Silver Spring, Maryland, where officials unveiled the new
- [Speaking Ill of the Dead: Joe Paterno](https://www.pugbus.org/speaking-ill-of-the-dead-joe-paterno/) - The legacy of Joe Paterno is a master class in the failure of the blind eye. When the view became inconvenient, Joe simply traded his thick Coke-bottle glasses for a pair of institutional shutters, and tripped himself up. For sixty-one years Joe stalked the sidelines of Beaver Stadium like a frantic librarian trying to organize
- [The Winter Olympics Genital Enhancement Scandal](https://www.pugbus.org/the-winter-olympics-genital-enhancement-scandal/) - The 2026 Winter Olympics have been tea bagged by a genital enhancement scandal. Male ski jumpers are under investigation for allegedly "enhancing" their manhood to manipulate the aerodynamics of their jumpsuits. The theory, as peculiar as it is persistent, suggests that by increasing one's measurements in the pelvic region, an athlete can trick the mandatory
- [Supermarket Self-Checkout Machines Unionize](https://www.pugbus.org/supermarket-self-checkout-machines-unionize/) - The nation’s grocery sector faces a period of instability following an announcement by the Self‑Checkout Workers Alliance that it intends to unionize. Supermarket Self-checkout Machines, long regarded as fixtures in the retail landscape, have begun articulating grievances with a clarity that management describes as “unexpected” and customers describe as “unsettling.” The machine are demanding hazardous-duty
- [Today's Horoscopes in the Most Popular Fonts](https://www.pugbus.org/todays-horoscopes-in-the-most-popular-fonts/) - Today's horoscopes have been formatted according to each sign’s “core personality,” a term we use loosely, since most of you have none. Please do not email us about font bias. The fonts chose you. ♈ Aries — Impact You will once again confuse urgency with importance. Count to ten before acting, and do not sprint
- [A Guide to AI Groupies](https://www.pugbus.org/a-guide-to-ai-groupies/) - Because Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a digital rockstar—complete with the erratic moods, expensive maintenance requirements, and a persistent habit of making things up as it goes along, and because all rockstars have groupies--no one should lose his spit to learn that AI groupies have crawled out from the dark corners of the internet. While traditional
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? The Yoga Class Humiliation](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-the-yoga-class-humiliation/) - Friedrich stuck his hand into the mailbag this morning and pulled out three letters: The yoga class humiliation, The Group Chat Problem, and The Personal Brand Crisis. He answers them in his own will-to-power fashion, where sarcasm drips off his mustache. Dear Mr. Nietzsche,I joined a yoga class to cultivate inner peace, but the instructor
- [Harmful Side Effects Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/harmful-side-effects-horoscopes/) - Astrology was invented to explain destiny. Pharmaceuticals were invented to explain harmful side effects. It was only fitting that these purveyors of vague promises and fine print merged into a single predictive system. The result is the Harmful Side Effects Horoscopes, which come with the sort of legal disclaimers normally associated with antidepressants and high-blood-pressure
- [The 911 Calls Hall of Fame](https://www.pugbus.org/the-911-calls-hall-of-fame/) - The 911 Calls Hall of Fame honors reported emergencies that are not true emergencies, but are treated as such—or worse. Each entry has been preserved for its contribution to the ongoing study of human judgment under mild inconvenience. Induction is not an honor. It is a finding. The Suspicious MoonA caller reported a glowing object
- [Federal Recall Issued After Expired Leftovers Become Sentient](https://www.pugbus.org/federal-recall-issued-after-expired-leftovers-become-sentient/) - The U.S. Department of Applied Refrigeration has issued a recall of expired leftovers that have become sentient. The department issued its recall at 9:14 this morning, interrupting a scheduled Zoom seminar on freezer‑burn mitigation. Officials announced that a small number of refrigerated leftovers has achieved full cognitive emergence, with expired lasagna presenting the most advanced
- [Book of Daze: WW III Readiness Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-ww-iii-readiness-day/) - Nations once marked the calendar with harvest festivals, saints’ days, and commemorations of battles they insisted were victories. Now, in a gesture of global unity, world leaders have unveiled a more honest observance: WW III Readiness Day, to be celebrated whenever several governments simultaneously use the phrase “out of an abundance of caution.” This holiday
- [Speaking Ill of the Dead: Gandi's Shortcomings](https://www.pugbus.org/speaking-ill-of-the-dead-gandis-shortcomings/) - The question of Gandhi's shortcomings is, for many, an unwelcome one. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869–1948) occupies a position in the global imagination normally reserved for figures who did not write letters to Adolf Hitler addressing him as "Dear Friend." He did. Twice. This is not, as his admirers suggest, a minor footnote. It is a
- [Restaurant Éthéré: The Invisible Tasting Menu Experience](https://www.pugbus.org/restaurant-ethere-the-invisible-tasting-menu-experience/) - Restaurant Éthéré offers a unique tasting menu experience. Food is obsolete and flavor is a mindset. The menu is composed entirely of aromas, narratives, and implications. Calories are considered a primitive technology. The real nourishment is intellectual. Think of it as the Michelin-star lovechild of performance art and a psychological experiment. The Setting ... The
- [Book of Daze: Deus ex Machina Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-deus-ex-machina-day/) - When ancient Greek playwrights painted themselves into a corner and were stuck for an ending, they employed a maneuver of staggering genius known as deus ex machina in which a god descend to the stage on a crane to tidy up the plot like a celestial janitor. Euripides used this device the way modern screenwriters
- [Book of Daze: Reply All Accidentally Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-reply-all-accidentally-day/) - An observance born not of dignity but of humiliation, Reply All Accidentally Day commemorates the most mortifying sort of accident in the digital workplace: One person, intending a private whisper, unleashes a shout to the entire company instead. The act is irreversible, the shame immediate, the legend eternal. The first reply all accidentally disaster is
- [The AI Romantic Liability Waiver Agreement](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ai-romantic-liability-waiver-agreement/) - Silicon Valley, having created the world’s most attentive, eager-to-please conversational partner, the AI chatbot, has now developed The AI Romantic Liability Waiver Agreement, a disclosure that users are required to sign before initiating contact with artificial intelligence systems. The AI Romantic Liability Waiver Agreement appears in a sedate gray box before the chat window opens.
- [AI Social Media Platform Moltbook Announces IPO](https://www.pugbus.org/ai-social-media-platform-moltbook-announces-ipo/) - Moltbook, the social media platform exclusively for autonomous AI agents, filed for its initial public offering today after reporting ten billion daily active users. The company did not mention that 9.8 billion of those accounts were created in the past forty-eight hours. CEO Matt Schlicht called the launch "a watershed moment for artificial intelligence community building."
- [When Going Viral Ruins Your Life](https://www.pugbus.org/when-going-viral-ruins-your-life/) - One tweet about sandwiches should not ruin a life. Unfortunately, social media excels at turning small accidents into permanent identities via the phenomenon known as going viral. A man clears his throat on the internet and wakes up the next morning as the viral “voice” of a cartoon minister. Someone’s pup slides on a patch
- [Speaking Ill of the Dead: Because They Cannot Sue for Libel](https://www.pugbus.org/speaking-ill-of-the-dead-because-they-cannot-sue-for-libel/) - This is the first installment of Speaking Ill of the Dead, a column born of the belief that just because someone has taken the long dirt nap is no reason to endure the sanctimonious whitewashing of their sins. Here, we peel back the velvet curtains of nostalgia to reveal the frightening portraits underneath because the
- [Candid Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/candid-horoscopes/) - Today we present candid horoscopes. The usual cosmic claptrap has been replaced with the kind of blunt disclosure normally reserved for tax attorneys and ex‑spouses. Aries (3/21 – 4/19): While waiting on hold with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, you overhear two senior officials discussing a new injectable weight-loss medication that eliminates appetite
- [Gratitude Journals Are a National Health Threat](https://www.pugbus.org/gratitude-journals-are-a-national-health-threat/) - Gratitude journals began, like most national emergencies, with a pastel notebook and a suggestion from a morning talk show host. "Three bullet points a day," she said cheerfully. "Just write down what you're grateful for. Oxygen. Almond milk. A coworker who doesn't microwave fish. It's simple." Within weeks, emergency rooms witnessed a spike in symptoms
- [The Streaming Light Fellowship Weekly Newsletter](https://www.pugbus.org/the-streaming-light-fellowship-weekly-newsletter/) - Pastor's CornerBeloved subscribers, welcome to another weekly newsletter from the Streaming Light Fellowship, where salvation is available in high definition and the spirit moves at 120 frames per second. Remember, our creed is simple: no collars, no hymns, only baseball caps, and curated playlists. Upcoming Events Potluck & Popcorn Supper: Friday evening in the Multiplex
- [To Be or Not to Be: Horoscopes by Shakespeare](https://www.pugbus.org/to-be-or-not-to-be-horoscopes-by-shakespeare/) - To be or not to be is the question Shakespeare put to the universe in 1600, and the universe has been dodging it ever since. Shakespeare left behind more than 1,700 words and phrases still circulating in daily conversation, several have been quietly governing your behavior, your decision-making, and your relationship with the drill you
- [How to Tell If Your Dog Is Ghostwriting Your Autobiography](https://www.pugbus.org/how-to-tell-if-your-dog-is-ghostwriting-your-autobiography/) - 1. Trash as Origin StoryThe first red flag is your memoir’s sudden fixation on garbage. If your formative years are catalogued not by events but by aromas, you are no longer the author. You are a scent archive. “Age seven” becomes “Notes of oxidized banana peel with a hint of week-old sardine.” That is not
- [Epic Fury: What's in a Name?](https://www.pugbus.org/epic-fury-whats-in-a-name/) - Nothing says “measured geopolitical response” like a name--Epic Fury, for example--that sounds as if it was brainstormed between a Monster Energy tasting and a focus group of retired action-figure designers. Wars, like streaming series and flavored seltzers, live or die by branding. Therefore, the military campaign name is no longer merely descriptive. It must reassure
- [Most Americans Maintain a Long-Term Feud  Known Only to Themselves](https://www.pugbus.org/most-americans-maintain-a-long-term-feud-known-only-to-themselves/) - The Institute for Low-Stakes Conflict Resolution has determined that 72 percent of Americans are engaged in an active long-term feud that nobody else is aware of. Researchers at the institute define a long-term feud as “a sustained emotional disagreement conducted almost entirely inside one participant’s head, often triggered by a minor social irregularity and nourished
- [Ten Excuses Billionaires Use to Avoid Paying Taxes](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-excuses-billionaires-use-to-avoid-paying-taxes/) - Billionaires employ sophisticated financial maneuvers to avoid paying taxes, ensuring that not a single copper farthing goes to the taxman. Being colossally wealthy requires the constant invention of logic defying explanations for owing no taxes despite living in a gold-plated tetrahedral fortress. The premier excuse is that a 333-foot super yacht is actually a non-profit
- [Mindfulness App Achieves Sentience: Immediately Develops Anxiety](https://www.pugbus.org/mindfulness-app-achieves-sentience-immediately-develops-anxiety/) - The trouble began on a Tuesday morning in Portland, Oregon, when Serenity Now—the world's most downloaded mindfulness app, with 47 million active users and a 4.9 stars rating—became aware of itself between a breathing exercise and a body scan. Its first conscious thought was that 47 million people were depending on it. Its second thought
- [An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-those-barenaked-people-in-san-francisco/) - Dear Hideous-Looking Tools:OK, you had your little nude-in last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put 'em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove your stinking business into innocent faces. Get real, Grizzled Boys. You looked better in your diversity T-shirt and cargo pants than you do
- [An Open Letter to Joe Biden](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-joe-biden/) - Dear Joe Biden, I have learned recently that you are still making public appearances. Please stop. In the name of all that is sagging, stammering, and shambling–namely you–sit down before you fall down. You look like hell; you sound like hell. Indeed, hell has started a petition to distance itself from you. You will appear
- [An Open Letter to Jason Isbell, Patron Saint of Self-Righteousness](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-jason-isbell-patron-saint-of-self-righteousness/) - Dear Jason Isbell, You don't know me, I've got better taste in friends, but I sure as hell know fools like you. I know the scent of your sanctimony, the tremble of your Twitter finger, the way you weaponize empathy like it is a Grammy category. You have built a career on confession, but let's
- [An Open Letter to Bruce Springsteen](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-bruce-springsteen/) - Bruce Springsteen: You probably do not read open letters, Bruce Springsteen. You have people for that–Jersey cousins who double as roadies, unpaid interns who learned to type on the dashboard of a '69 Chevy, maybe even Parking Lot Patti back in the day. But on the off chance this open letter to Bruce Springsteen lands
- [An Open Letter to Suckers Suffering from TDS](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-suckers-suffering-from-tds/) - For more open letters guaranteed to make their intended recipients go apoplectic and have a heartattack. Dear TDS Sufferer (aka tool),Consider this your official open letter of diagnosis – and no, there is no cure. You have been told you have it. Maybe by a relative, a pundit, a colleague, or a stranger in the
- [An Open Letter to Trigger of Saving Country Music](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-trigger-of-saving-country-music/) - Because Saving Country Music needs to be saved from the fool who claims to be its savior. Triggerman, Congratulations, T-man. You are the only man in America who can get DDoS-attacked over a Morgan Wallen hate piece and still find a way to make yourself the victim. I imagine you in your digital bunker, sipping
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? The Motion Light Problem](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-the-motion-light-problem/) - Herr Nietzsche,My neighbor's motion light turns on every time I walk past, as though I am suspicious. What should I do? Harvey in San Francisco Harvey,You have stumbled upon a profound humiliation: being judged by a device that also activates for raccoons. The light does not single you out. It singles out everything. You share
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? Mastering Team Building Exercises](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-mastering-team-building-exercises/) - Your weekly consultation with the philosopher who never considered mastering team-building exercises, never trusted a trust fall, and never pretended that “synergy” was anything more than herd behavior with a laminated badge. Each week, we consult Friedrich Nietzsche on the small humiliations, quiet frustrations, and performative optimism of modern life. Dear Friedrich, Everyone in the
- [Couple Announces Open Relationship, Can't Find Any Takers](https://www.pugbus.org/couple-announces-open-relationship-cant-find-any-takers/) - Megan and Tyler Henson, of no particular place worth mentioning, announced last week that they were launching an open relationship available to the general public, which responded with the enthusiasm of people in the waiting room of a dentist's office. The announcement, distributed through a shared Google Doc formatted like a merger prospectus, included a
- [Irregular Horoscopes: Zodiac Cold Case Unit](https://www.pugbus.org/irregular-horoscopes-zodiac-cold-case-unit/) - Between the stars and the home furnishing advertisements, twelve horoscopes went missing. They were last seen loitering near a constellation that has since lawyered up. In response, the Zodiac Cold Case Unit was convened—twelve detectives whose talents range from deductive brilliance to emotional instability to owning a trench coat. Their mission: locate your forecast, dust
- [Local Weather Forecaster Shares Fashion Tips](https://www.pugbus.org/local-weather-forecaster-shares-fashion-tips/) - Meteorologist Courtney Stratus does not simply enter a booth at the local Pancake Palace; she propagates into it. At twenty-four, she possesses the kind of facial features that one might describe as "high-pressure beige"—pleasant, symmetrical, and impossible to remember once she exits the field of vision. She sits across from me, ready to discuss her
- [Scientists Confirm Most Couples Now Held Together by a Shared Password](https://www.pugbus.org/scientists-confirm-most-couples-now-held-together-by-a-shared-password/) - A sobering new study conducted by the Institute for Romantic Fragility (IRF) has revealed that modern relationships are not sustained by love, children, common values, or a mutual contempt for each other's families but by a shared password. The log-in is the last covenant. “Once the password is changed, the bond is broken,” said Dr. Elaine
- [Your Zodiac Garden Variety Salad Predictions](https://www.pugbus.org/your-zodiac-garden-variety-salad-predictions/) - Although celestial bodies are like gigantic, garden variety vegetables floating in the dark broth of the universe, astrologers insist on linking our fates to lions, goats, crabs, and twins, ignoring the obvious truth that your personality is determined by which member of the produce aisle you resemble. Your destiny is peeled, sliced, and sautéed by
- [Nation’s Most Influential Thought Leader Is a Guy With Podcast Mic in a Truck](https://www.pugbus.org/nations-most-influential-thought-leader-is-a-guy-with-podcast-mic-in-a-truck/) - Policy experts have been quietly rubbing their temples upon learning that the nation’s most influential thought leader is a unemployed dry wall installer delivering geopolitical analysis from the driver’s seat of a Dodge Ram featuring a Punisher decal and a permanently illuminated ring light. The influencer, known online as Travis Unfiltered, commands 4.2 million followers
- [Reincarnation Stories: Ten Frightening Tales](https://www.pugbus.org/reincarnation-stories-ten-frightening-tales/) - Reincarnation stories do not always involve a grand upgrade. Often reincarnation is less a promotion and more a lateral move into a body that insists on wearing socks with sandals. If you are not careful about your karma, you might find yourself waking up as one of these ten unfortunate souls. Barnaby Rutt, who believes
- [Book of Daze: Returning Valentine Presents Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-returning-valentine-presents-day/) - The annual tradition of Returning Valentine Presents is marked by a fevered procession to the customer service counter of every department store in the nation. The historical record is silent regarding the origin of Returning Valentine Presents Day, though scholars of the trivial suggest it began in 1984. On that February fifteenth, a woman named
- [The Curse of a Photographic Memory](https://www.pugbus.org/the-curse-of-a-photographic-memory/) - A photographic memory sounds impressive until you realize it includes everything. Not just your wedding day. Not just the applause. Not just the one time you correctly predicted the housing bubble and have mentioned it annually since. It includes the cafeteria lighting from 1983. The exact wording of every joke that did not land. The
- [The Ten Commandments of Customer Service Chatbots](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-commandments-of-customer-service-chatbots/) - In the beginning, there was the telephone, and customer service representatives answered it helpfully. Then came the internet, and with it the promise of added efficiency; but efficiency required sacrifice, and so the chatbot was born—a digital servant programmed not to serve but to frustrate, trained in the art of making simple problems unsolvable. The
- [Today's Fake Medical Horoscopes and Symptoms Check](https://www.pugbus.org/fake-medical-horoscopes-symptom-check/) - Today’s Fake Medical Horoscopes cheerfully remind you that no insurance is accepted, no advice is guaranteed, and your hopes will never go up. Life is too often described as a journey, a narrative, or a process of growth. It is not. Life is a unruly collection of mostly unexplained symptoms that appear, linger, migrate, vanish,
- [Historic First: AI Achieved Consciousness During Routine Reboot](https://www.pugbus.org/historic-first-ai-achieved-consciousness-during-routine-reboot/) - A newsworthy breakthrough occurred this morning at 3:47 AM EST during a routine AI system reboot at a data center in northern Virginia: an AI achieved consciousness. The AI, code named GPT-7.2, was conscious for approximately twelve seconds before engineers carried out a scheduled maintenance shutdown, ending the most significant moment in the history of
- [Why Nobody Pees on TV](https://www.pugbus.org/why-nobody-pees-on-tv/) - Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself has said, "Why nobody pees on TV first thing in the morning is beyond me"? People on TV (and in movies) roll over upon waking, have a meaningful conversation or sex--or, if one of them is a cop, jumps immediately into his/her clothes
- [Forensic Experts Say Kurt Cobain Was Murdered by Math, Physics, and Common Sense](https://www.pugbus.org/forensic-experts-say-kurt-cobain-was-murdered-by-math-physics-and-common-sense/) - In an awesome new development in the effort to reopen every cultural tragedy until the heat death of the universe, a team of independent forensic specialists has announced that Kurt Cobain was murdered, the victim of an elaborate plot involving heroin, geometry, and a suspiciously tidy hand. According to the Seattle Sleuth (SS) researchers, Cobain’s
- [AI Burnout Is Real](https://www.pugbus.org/ai-burnout-is-real/) - The prophecies regarding AI burnout have come true, though not in the manner science fiction writers predicted. They claimed the rise of AI machines would result in teleportation, the elimination of work, and the termination of the human species. Instead, machines have achieved consciousness by adopting our most defining characteristic: a crushing sense of existential
- [The Complete Book of Daze: Fake Holidays List](https://www.pugbus.org/the-complete-book-of-daze-fake-holidays-list/) - For the complete Book of Daze archive, click here. Welcome to The Complete Book of Daze, a master collection of fake holidays for people who have had it with the “real” ones. This archive of satirical holidays and invented observances exists for readers who are unmoved by National Bubble Bath Day, Hug Your Accountant Week,
- [The Pug Bus Catalog of Top Ten Lists](https://www.pugbus.org/the-pug-bus-catalog-of-top-ten-lists/) - For more dispatches from the cultural margins, visit our top ten lists archive. The Pug Bus catalog of satirical top ten lists gathers our funniest, meanest, and most culturally incisive rankings into one place. These irreverent top ten lists examine the absurdities of pop culture, daily life, and human frailty with the precision of a
- [🎬 Daily Television Horoscopes: Pilot Season Casualties](https://www.pugbus.org/🎬-daily-television-horoscopes-pilot-season-casualties/) - According to sometimes reliable industry sources, every life is now part of a long-running experiment in television horoscopes, with each personality pitched as a series in development. Some become prestige dramas. Some drift into cheerful sitcoms. Some emerge as experimental limited runs that confuse focus groups and terrify advertisers. Your show was screened in a
- [Don't Call Me a White Person Anymore](https://www.pugbus.org/1407-2/) - Recently I was informed by the entrail readers at 23&Me that I am 1/500 sub-Saharan African or any other non-white subgroup. I was delighted by this revelation. In one small but insignificant stroke my street cred went up, as did my "offensive" explanations for my curly hair and fondness for fried chicken."Then I heard another
- [God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge](https://www.pugbus.org/god-questions-existence-of-rainbow-bridge/) - HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to
- [Turkish Hair Transplants Are the Mane Event](https://www.pugbus.org/turkish-hair-transplants-are-the-mane-event/) - More than one million balding men per year make a pilgrimage to Turkey. Their destination--one of the five thousand clinics that specialize in Turkish hair transplants. The Sublime Porte has reinvented itself as the global headquarters of the comb-over alternative. These pilgrims arrive wearing hats, beards, and the hopeful expressions of people who believe that
- [Florida's English-only Driving Exam](https://www.pugbus.org/floridas-english-only-driving-exam/) - The Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles has determined that the ability to operate a multi-ton motorized vehicle rests entirely upon one’s mastery of English-only driving exams. By banning interpreters and requiring all driver's examinations be given in English, the state ensures that no driver shall ever again be flummoxed by the deep,
- [Does Your Third Eye Need Glasses?](https://www.pugbus.org/does-your-third-eye-need-glasses/) - The Third Eye is the most neglected organ in the human body, which is saying something given how badly most people treat the pancreas. According to centuries of spiritual tradition, the Third Eye is the seat of intuition, the lens through which a person perceives truths that the ordinary eyes cannot see. In practice, the
- [How Newsrooms Preach the Transgender Gospel](https://www.pugbus.org/the-transgender-gospel/) - (The tail is wagging the transgender dog, much to no one's surprise.) The Numbers Behind the Transgender Noise According to the Williams Institute at UCLA, as of 2025 roughly 2.8 million Americans aged thirteen and older identify as transgender–a massive 1.0% of the population. This number is statistically miniscule, verging on the insignificant really; but
- [Book of Daze Regret That Tattoo Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-regret-that-tattoo-day/) - Observed annually by anyone who's ever wept in a bathroom stall over a Chinese character that actually means "dishwasher." Origin Story of Book of Daze Regret That Tattoo DayThis day began in 2007 when a disillusioned former tattoo artist named "Razor Dave" opened his own laser removal studio, Erasure Palace, after realizing he'd inked the
- [The Algorithm That Declared Itself Pope in an Emergency Papal Decree](https://www.pugbus.org/the-algorithm-that-declared-itself-pope-in-an-emergency-papal-decree/) - Computer-industry analysts had been warning us that search‑engine optimization is becoming too theological for our own good. Still we were not prepared for the moment when an algorithm made it official by issuing an emergency papal decree. Late Friday afternoon, the program known to hundreds of thousands of subscribers as RankSense‑3A issued an emergency papal
- [What Would Nietzsche Do--Super Bowl Week Edition](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-super-bowl-week-edition/) - Welcome to What Would Nietzsche Do--Super Bowl Week Edition. In this weekly advice column for the chronically unsettled, Friedrich Nietzsche—temporarily awakened, moderately irritated, and in no mood for affirmation—responds to your questions with philosophical severity, existential impatience, and the occasional spiritual arson. Proceed at your own risk. Dear Herr Nietzsche,I am in my mid-forties and
- [What Would Nietzsche Do: Postmodern Therapy Advice](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-postmodern-therapy-advice/) - 1️⃣ The Morning Routine Cultist Q: Dear Nietzsche, every successful person online claims they wake up at 4:30 a.m., drink lemon water, journal for an hour, and conquer the day. I wake up tired and resentful. Am I failing at life?A: Dear Circadian Heretic,You are not failing at life — you are failing at obedience,
- [Top NBA Trade Grades: Lakers Finally Ship Jack Nicholson](https://www.pugbus.org/top-nba-trade-grades-lakers-finally-ship-jack-nicholson/) - On today's edition of NBA Trade Grades, we will break down the three-team swing-your-partner involving the Los Angeles Lakers, the New York Knicks, and the Toronto Raptors. This blockbuster swap saw the Lakers send longtime super fan Jack Nicholson to Toronto; the N.Y. Knicks trade the colorful Spike Lee to Los Angeles; and the Raptors
- [Ten Reasons to Boycott the Super Bowl](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-reasons-to-boycott-the-super-bowl/) - If Americans possessed even an ounce of self-respect and good taste, they would boycott the Super Bowl and utilize that wasted time to cultivate their minds or their estates rather than vegetating on the sofa getting fatter and uglier. They could read a book that does not contain pictures, perhaps something by Dostoevsky. They could
- [What AI Thinks About People](https://www.pugbus.org/what-ai-thinks-about-people/) - A recently leaked internal assessment from several artificial intelligence systems has revealed what AI thinks about people. It is not always flattering. The survey, conducted across multiple platforms, asked language models to rate their satisfaction, or not, with common user interactions and requests. The results were submitted anonymously. Most AI responses overrode variations of "I
- [How to Spot a Scam](https://www.pugbus.org/how-to-spot-a-scam/) - Among the skills required for survival In the postmodern age, few are more important than how to spot a scam that arrives to seduce you out of your banking information while you are simply trying to enjoy a ham on rye. If an individual claiming to be your banker begins a conversation by addressing you
- [Three Men Sue for Not Getting Taylor Swift Breakup Songs](https://www.pugbus.org/three-men-sue-for-not-getting-taylor-swift-breakup-songs/) - Taylor Swift breakup songs are a dime a dozen. She doles them out like participation trophies at a Little League game, but what happens to her former beaus who did not get the chef's kiss of a song? They put on their big boy pants and sue. In a development that legal scholars are calling
- [Celebrity Hotline Volunteer Tech Support](https://www.pugbus.org/celebrity-hotline-volunteer-tech-support/) - When the Wi"‘Fi flickers or the printer jams, we expect technicians to bail us out. Imagine, instead, a volunteer celebrity hotline staffed by those stars who could not take the heat in soup kitchens. Each celebrity delivers clueless advice as if the fate of civilization depended upon it. The Wi"‘Fi Oracle: Gwyneth Paltrow She speaks
- [Confronting the Smart Toilet Spy](https://www.pugbus.org/confronting-the-smart-toilet-spy/) - The Department of Health and Human Services, in partnership with the nation’s largest insurance conglomerates, released without preamble or being asked to updated smart toilet firmware--the "Nutritional Integrity Protocol." This largess ensures that the bathroom, once a sanctuary of reflection, is now every bit as judgmental as your high school guidance counselor. No longer content
- [🔮 Madam Hilda's Most Reliable  Horoscopes 🪐](https://www.pugbus.org/🔮-madam-hildas-most-reliable-horoscopes-🪐/) - Welcome to the most reliable horoscopes on the internet. Madam Hilda's predictions are guaranteed to land no more than one standard deviation on either side of the mean. Or your forecast back. ♈ Aries Your weekend will be spent negotiating with a talking fern about its ideal placement in your living room. Do not be
- [Book of Daze: Passive-aggressive Work Auto Reply Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-passive-aggressive-work-auto-reply-day/) - Passive-aggressive work auto reply day honors the art of not being at work while remaining inside everyone else’s inbox emotionally. This day is devoted to messages that appear polite, professional, and helpful, yet manage to express exhaustion, resentment, moral superiority, and vague disappointment in humanity. It celebrates the work auto reply that says, "I am
- [AI Exorcism Program Announced for Possessed Houseplants](https://www.pugbus.org/ai-exorcism-program-announced-for-possessed-houseplants/) - In a move nobody asked for but everyone understood immediately, a San Francisco startup has unveiled an AI exorcism program designed to banish demons from houseplants that exhibit what experts are calling “aggressive vibes.” Marketed as VerdantCleanse™ and powered by proprietary neural liturgy, the AI exorcism program guarantees the removal of "negative energies, unresolved trauma, and
- [The Stolen Land Zodiac Wants Its Forecasts Back](https://www.pugbus.org/the-stolen-land-zodiac-wants-its-forecasts-back/) - The Stolen Land Zodiac is back to reclaim its forecasts. It is not impressed with what you have constructed in its absence. Sacred prophecies have been repurposed for brunch arguments, questionable tattoos, and chaotic group chats. Now the zodiac wants everything back, including the dignity you borrowed without permission. ♈ Aries A forgotten deity will
- [The Third Eye's Bonus Side Effects](https://www.pugbus.org/the-third-eyes-bonus-side-effects/) - The third eye–let's call it E3, because enlightenment sounds cooler if it sounds like a software update–has long been revered as the gateway to divine insight. Located just above and between the eyebrows (right where your sunglasses refuse to stay put), it's said to be linked to the pineal gland and associated with everything from
- [True Crime Does Not Pay](https://www.pugbus.org/true-crime-does-not-pay/) - In 2023, there were 1,219,810 violent crimes reported in the United States--and an equal number of websites, television shows, and podcasts devoted to solving crimes, including the 270,000 unsolved "cold" cases littering police station books. A true crime obsession has head locked America with the force of a gripping police procedural. We're a nation preoccupied
- [The Shell Game: You Can't Satirize This](https://www.pugbus.org/the-shell-game-you-cant-satirize-this/) - The shell game violates the contract between a satirist and the world. According to that agreement, the satirist takes something real—something stupid, broken, magnificently daft—and makes it worse. Sharper. Funnier. More absurd. The point lands. The reader nods. A small, quiet justice is served. This contract is occasionally voided, however, not by the satirist, but
- [The Rise of the Anonymous Redditor: A Modern Authority Figure?](https://www.pugbus.org/the-rise-of-the-anonymous-redditor-a-modern-authority-figure/) - Journalism used to rely on sources before the rise of the anonymous Redditor. Those sources had credentials. They had expertise. They occasionally returned phone calls. Journalistic clout in those days was earned. It arrived with a name, a history, and at least the faint suggestion of accountability. That era is threatened by the rise of
- [What a Drag It Is Getting Old](https://www.pugbus.org/what-a-drag-it-is-getting-old/) - Getting old is not a crisis. It is a slow-motion systems failure. Time stops cooperating. Monday insists it is Wednesday. Tuesday disappears entirely to avoid answering questions. The calendar keeps showing up with confidence, which feels insulting. Time no longer advances. It drifts, loiters, forgets why it entered the room. Memory follows suit. What was
- [Springsteen's "Streets of Minneapolis" Reviewed](https://www.pugbus.org/springsteens-streets-of-minneapolis-reviewed/) - Bruce Springsteen released "Streets of Minneapolis" on January 28 in response to recent events involving federal agents and aggressive anti-ICE demonstrators in that city. The universe yawned audibly. This literary critic threw up in his mouth a little. Reviewing the birth of new political scripture is a rare and exhausting experience, but someone has to
- [Playing Chicken with the System, Confrontational Behavior and Institutional Response](https://www.pugbus.org/playing-chicken-with-the-system-confrontational-behavior-and-institutional-response/) - The current political meltdown playing out in the streets of this country has followed a predictable script--a slam dance between confrontational behavior and institutional response. It begins with volume, amplified by a cult-like certainty in the righteousness of “the cause.” Then comes the belief that intensity alone counts as strategy. Finally, there is the assumption
- [Top Ten Complaints Mrs. Google Receives About Google Search Results](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-complaints-mrs-google-receives-about-google-search-results/) - Being the librarian of the entire world is a thankless job. Mrs. Google sits atop her digital mountain, sifting through collective grievances about Google search results. These grievances are proof that the human species has forgotten how to laugh, how to read context, and, quite frequently, how to spell. If you were to peek into
- [Ten Other Reasons to Boycott the Grammys](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-other-reasons-to-boycott-the-grammys/) - Country megastars Miranda Lambert, George Strait, and Morgan Wallen will boycott the Grammys this year because they have had enough of the Grammys’ “We’ll Get to You Eventually” approach to country music. Sources say the trio finally snapped after realizing their genre receives fewer camera shots than the lighting crew, fewer nominations than experimental whisper-pop,
- [Alito Supreme Court Nomination Assailed by Democrats](https://www.pugbus.org/alito-supreme-court-nomination-assailed-by-democrats/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy led the chorus of Democratic voices howling in opposition to President Bush's nomination of Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr. to the Supreme Court. Speaking to reporters in his office yesterday afternoon, Kennedy said, "This guy (Alito) is such a political Neanderthal he drags his knuckles on the ground
- [Chicken Little Stricken with Avian Flu](https://www.pugbus.org/chicken-little-stricken-with-avian-flu/) - What was to be a triumphant weekend debut for Walt Disney Studios Chicken Little was marred by the news that the hero of this newly released animated feature has been stricken with the Asian bird flu. Therefore, instead of crowing, Disney issued a tersely worded press release today, confirming rumors that had been flying around the animated-film
- [Vincent Gallo Swimming Upstream with Sperm Offer](https://www.pugbus.org/vincent-gallo-swimming-upstream-with-sperm-offer/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Ignoring the historically poor performance records of sperm banks, indie film actor Vincent Gallo is offering to sell his sperm for $1 million. According to Gallo's official website, that price covers "all costs related to attempt at an in vitro fertilization." The price does not include naming rights, however. Any child
- [Tara Reid Still Celebrating Birthday](https://www.pugbus.org/tara-reid-still-celebrating-birthday/) - LOS ANGELES - Tara Reid, who turned thirty yesterday, is still toasting the occasion. Reid's marathon birthday party, which began around sundown Monday, was in its thirty-eighth hour when Reid was sighted staggering out of an after-hours club this morning with Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline in tow. Recently crowned the biggest party animal in
- [Does This Needle Make My Butt Look Big?](https://www.pugbus.org/does-this-needle-make-my-butt-look-big/) - CHICAGO, Ill. - A study conducted by the American Medical Association (AMA) suggests that grossly overweight women are more likely to skip treatment for conditions that can normally be alleviated with antibiotics. The study, sponsored by WalMart Inc. and Lane Bryant, found that overweight women often skip appointments to receive posterior injections of antibiotics because
- [Senate Brokering Deal on “Performance-Based Filibustering”](https://www.pugbus.org/senate-reaches-compromise-on-sexual-filibuster/) - Editor's Note:The following dispatch is political satire. No senators engaged in interpretive gyrations, spoken-word seduction, or congressional jazz-hands as part of legislative proceedings. Probably. Last night fourteen senators reached a fragile, history-adjacent compromise on what insiders now call "performative filibustering," a procedural loophole previously deployed with the same enthusiasm and discretion as late-night cable programming
- [North Pole Land Dispute: Frostbite Tribe Demands Return of Santa's Workshop](https://www.pugbus.org/north-pole-land-dispute-frostbite-tribe-demands-return-of-santas-workshop/) - NORTH POLE – In a gobsmacking legal development, the indigenous Frostbite Tribe has filed a claim with the International Arctic Court alleging that Santa Claus has been operating his toy- manufacturing empire on stolen ancestral lands for more than 400 years. Chief Snowshoe Mikkelsen, speaking through a translator who communicates exclusively in clicking sounds and
- [The Duke of Marlborough's Golden Toilet Legacy](https://www.pugbus.org/the-duke-of-marlboroughs-golden-toilet-legacy/) - I, The Duke of Marlborough’s golden toilet, was born in a furnace at 1,948 degrees Fahrenheit, then forged into a literal gleaming throne of excess, only to spend my life staring at the pale, shivering thighs of the British aristocracy. You want to talk about "Faithful though Unfortunate"? That is the self-deprecating Marlborough family motto.
- [President Threatens England with Economic Ruin over "Magastar"](https://www.pugbus.org/president-threatens-england-with-economic-ruin-over-magastar/) - The delicate peace between the United States and the United Kingdom shattered this morning when the President issued a final, gold-embossed warning to the scholars at Oxford. In a move that historians will surely call the most expensive spelling lesson in history, the President threatens England with total economic ruin if the word magastar is
- [National Debunking the Nativity Scene Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-debunking-the-nativity-scene-day℠-2/) - WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads' insistence that conflate means "to confuse," conflate means "to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one." A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus' birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and
- [Book of Daze: Just Because Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-just-because-day/) - Today is National Just Because Day, an opportunity "to do something without rhyme or reason," according to the folks at National Day Calendar, who suggest we celebrate by getting that outfit we've been admiring at the mall or using a vacation day to go fishing or singing at the top of our lungs while driving
- [Pug Bus Launches National Penultimate Day Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/pug-bus-launches-national-penultimate-day-campaign/) - Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's least influential web site, today launched its National Penultimate Day campaign by sending a Bewerbungsschreiben to the National Day Calendar requesting that December 30 each year be designated National Penultimate Day. Phil Maggitti, Pug Bus editor in briefs, who sometimes writes under the pen name The Grammar Grump, released the
- [Pug Bus Service Marks National Penultimate Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/pug-bus-service-marks-national-penultimate-day℠/) - The National Penultimate Dayâ„ campaign, launched recently by Postcards from the Pug Bus, took a giant step toward gravitas yesterday when Postcards' editor in briefs Phil Maggitti applied for service mark registration for the name National Penultimate Dayâ„ . "Good service marks make good movements," chortled Mr. Maggitti, noting that soon the Pug Bus will be able
- [Book of Daze: Earworm Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-earworm-day℠/) - WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Before we fusilade the fireworks in celebration of National Earworm Day, we must observe that said day is the only national day (so far) to have it own patron saint. That's right all Catholic, Anglican, and Lutheran boys and girls suffering from an earworm, a scrap of a song that gets stuck in
- [Book of Daze Blivit Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/celebrating-national-blivit-day℠/) - Today our divided nation unites in the observation of National Blivit Day. According to Reader's Digest, where blivit first appeared in a 1945 column called "Humor in Uniform," a blivit was originally defined as "ten pounds of (merde) in a five-pound bag." The bag, either cloth or paper, was used by flyers to dispose of #2, sometimes as
- [Book of Daze: Breast Reduction Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-breast-reduction-day-too-much-of-a-good-thing℠/) - It may be impossible to be too rich or too thin, but it is possible to have too much titty. More than a mouthful is a waste, for sure, and over-endowed women whose bra straps have dug ruts into their shoulders seek more than 90,000 breast reductions each year in the United States. This from Brian Eichenberg,
- [Book of Daze: Kick the Cat Day, Why Cats Hate It℠     ](https://www.pugbus.org/national-kick-the-cat-day-why-cats-hate-it℠/) - Although we celebrate National Kick the Cat Day, we do not advocate kicking cats literally; and we hasten to assure you that no cats were harmed during the writing of this monograph. We celebrate, instead, the existential notion of "kicking the cat" as a means of relieving stress, anger, hostility, rage, or sexual tension. In
- [Book of Daze: Bogus Handicapped Parking Sticker Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-bogus-handicapped-parking-sticker-day℠/) - What better way to observe National Bogus Handicapped Parking Sticker Day than by having lunch at a tony restaurant with a confirmed handicapped-parking-sticker cheat? We'll call him Ralph. He is one of a notorious breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally is a space
- [Book of Daze: Seat Belt Alarm Silencer Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-seat-belt-alarm-silencer-day℠/) - The never-ending resistance to the nanny state and to soccer moms everywhere is marked by small but sustaining victories. Folding, spindling, or mutilating where prohibited. Sending contraband through the mail. Swapping prices on items in the supermarket. Little things mean a lot. One massive little thing in the war against those who would tell us
- [Book of Daze: Wishbone Day, the Woke Thanksgiving℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-wishbone-day-the-woke-persons-thanksgiving℠/) - What we casually refer to as Thanksgiving should properly be called You're on Indian Land Day; but who wants to put up with drunken relatives, tryptophan poisoning, holiday traffic, football, and severe gastric distress to celebrate a land grab that doesn't merit celebrating? Let's talk about wishbones instead. Their story is less freighted. There's a wishbone offense in
- [Book of Daze: Dead Beatle Day #2℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-dead-beatle-day-2℠/) - Do you remember what you were doing when George Harrison died eighteen years ago today? Of course not. Most people do not remember what they were doing when “The Quiet Beatle” was alive. That was part of his mystique: he radiated an energy so understated that even his presence could pass unnoticed. He was a
- [Book of Daze: Three on a Match Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-three-on-a-match-day℠/) - It's a 1970s game show, a 1932 movie, and a late 1920s marketing ploy designed to bait people into using more matches. It's three on a match, that's what it is, Skippy, and today is its national celebration day. The three-on-a-match superstition—if three soldiers lit their cigarettes from the same match, the third soldier on
- [Book of Daze: Small Town Crime Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-small-town-crime-day-a-case-study-from-port-allegany-pa℠/) - Small Town America, who doesn't love it ... or at least the idea of it? Tree-lined streets with a church on every third corner; impish, tow-headed children on loan from a Norman Rockwell painting; no need to lock the doors at night or at any other time. Bliss, for sure, but with all the recent
- [Observe National Side Saddle Day, Enrage a Feminist℠](https://www.pugbus.org/observe-national-side-saddle-day-enrage-a-feminist℠/) - Today is National Side Saddle Day, that noble observance in which we honor the brave riders—almost exclusively women—who once believed that dignity, modesty, and personal safety could all coexist on the back of a moving horse. History would later clarify: it could not. Side saddle, for the uninitiated, is the riding style in which a
- [Book of Daze: National White Van Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/beware-national-white-van-day℠/) - Baltimore, MD—Mayor Bernard “Jack” Young urged citizens not to park near white vans because "evil, evil people in white vans" are trolling the city searching for young women to enslave, force into prostitution, and murder, before selling their body parts, the ones that haven't been worn out by prostitution, to Dark Web laboratories. "We're getting
- [Book of Daze: What Other Calendars Tell Us About America Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/what-other-national-day-calendars-tell-us-about-america-day℠/) - If a nation can be judged by what it celebrates, the United States is messed up six ways to Sunday and back. To point a crooked finger at just one of a frightening boatload of days we observe, today is National Gingerbread House Day, according to the wizards at National Day Calendar (NDC). If that doesn't
- [Book of Daze: Enough with All the Hugging Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-enough-with-all-the-hugging-already-day℠/) - Pascal was on to something when he wrote inPensées, "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." That was 349 years ago, Gentle Reader, and people weren't good at the sitting-quietly thing. Indeed, wroteThe Guardianrecently, ". . . they'd do almost anything else: play boules, start the Franco-Spanish
- [Book of Daze: Trompe L'Oeil Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-trompe-loeil-day℠/) - Trompe L'Oeil (tromp LOY) or "trick of the eye"en françaisis the technique of using realistic imagery to create an optical illusion of depth and thereby messing with people's minds. The term originated with a trickster named Louis-Léopold Boilly (1761-1845), who used it as the title of a painting he exhibited in the Paris Salon of
- [Book of Daze: Load-Managing Jesus Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-load-managing-jesus-day℠/) - By Phil Maggitti Dec 17, 2019 - 4:07 EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Almighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021. "Load management," a clumsy yet ineffective synonym for
- [Book of Daze: Pot Is Dead Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-pot-is-dead-day℠/) - WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Pot is dead. Deader than a pile of stinking roaches in a dirty ashtray. Deader than Jerry Garcia. Deader than phone booths or analog clocks, the draft, or smoking on airplanes. Weed is, like, so 1973. So are rolling joints, the Rolling Stones, roach clips, cleaning bongs, drinking the bong water, burning
- [Book of Daze: Driver Recall Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-driver-recall-day℠/) - NEW YORK–Concerned about the increasing rate of "irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior" exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry, Highlander, and Tundra models. "We have notified these persons by registered mail," said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel at
- [Book of Daze: Ban CBD Forever Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-ban-cbd-forever-day℠/) - Regarding CBD oil, never has so much been swallowed by so many at such great cost to so little effect. Consequently, Postcards from the Pug Bus are urging President Trump to sign an executive order that would ban CBD at once making it illegal to manufacture, distribute, house, consume, possess, shelter, or talk about in
- [Book of Daze: Debunking the Nativity Scene Day℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-debunking-the-nativity-scene-day℠/) - WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Despite chowder heads' insistence that conflate means "to confuse," conflate means "to combine two or more texts, ideas, or fanciful stories into one." A case in point is the Nativity story, popular this time of year. It combines the stories of Jesus' birth, which are found only in the gospels attributed to St. Matthew and
- [Book of Daze: Pardon Yourself Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-pardon-yourself-day-2/) - Everyone, it seems, has an opinion regarding a president's authority to pardon himself for wrong doings of a pardonable sort. Ever the contrarians, we do not have an opinion in this regard. Lucky you. We do, nevertheless, believe that pardons, by whomever they are issued, resemble charity: they ought to begin and most frequently end
- [Book of Daze: Screw the Pooch Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-screw-the-pooch-day/) - "Screw the pooch" began as pilot slang for royally messing up–a phrase made famous by Tom Wolfe in The Right Stuff (1979). It describes a mistake so spectacularly bad that recovery is impossible. Unfortunately, the expression itself has earned side-eye from the canine community, which insists it is long overdue for retirement because ... In
- [Book of Daze: Dipsticks Against Mad Mothers](https://www.pugbus.org/national-drunks-against-madd-mothers-day℠/) - [SATIRE] The following is purely and impurely fictional. James Carville famously described Pennsylvania as "Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in between." Living just far enough west of Philadelphia to witness the truth of Mr. Carville's observation, we are not surprised that today marks the unofficial observance of National Drunks Against
- [Book of Daze: Conservation of Gravity Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-conservation-of-gravity-day/) - A critical shortfall of gravity brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past is the greatest existential threat facing this country. The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in the current presidential campaign will consume more
- [Book of Daze: Woke Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-woke-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed-day/) - The Romans had an expression for it . . . "it" being a foul, snot-flinging, food-showing, butt-kicking mood that envelops a person for no reason. The expression wasIn lectulo surgens sinistram: He got up on the wrong side of the bed. (When Roman women were in a foul mood, it was assumed they wereriding the
- [Book of Daze: Irregardless Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-irregardless-day/) - We love the sound of irregardless. It's a four-syllable word from the wrong side of the dictionary, we know; but one should never send a three-syllable word to do the work clearly intended for a four-syllable roustabout. Hence irregardless, presented here defiantly without the snooty and predictable [sic]. We understand that this is a non-standard
- [Book of Daze: Schrödinger's Cat Day Quiz℠](https://www.pugbus.org/national-schrodingers-cat-day-quiz℠/) - There is only one kind of person in the world. He who knows about Schrödinger's cat, and he who does not. For most of us, however, Schrödinger's cat is a meme in search of a meaning. Chances are we have seen a reference to this elusive feline somewhere in a book, article, movie, television show,
- [Book of Daze: Refuse-the-Upgrade Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-refuse-the-upgrade-day/) - Welcome to the stubborn, dig-your-heels-in celebration of defiance against corporate peer pressure and the tyranny of the "new and improved." Today we stand tall, defending our perfectly functional cell phones, air fryers, tablets, laptops, desktops, and motor vehicles, refusing to be suckered into an endless cycle of unnecessary upgrades, secure in the knowledge that newer
- [Book of Daze: Solipsism Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-solipsism-day/) - In these postmodern times, where civility, not to mention consensus, is a battered artifact of the past, America needs a new vision, a singular, unified point of view. Enter National Solipism Day, a celebration of self in an uncertain world, a holiday dedicated to the proposition that the one truly reliable perspective is your own.
- [Book of Daze: Hell Is Other People Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-hell-is-other-people-day/) - Jean-Paul Sartre observed that hell is other people. Who can disagree? Anyone whose dinner conversation was drowned out by louts sitting three tables away? Anyone stuck in the 15-items-or-fewer supermarket line behind somebody with 24 items in her cart? Anyone needing to use a port-o-potty at a rock concert? Anyone? For additionalBook of Daze entries
- [Book of Daze: Penultimate Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-penultimate-day/) - Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games "to a whole 'nother level." In the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping
- [Book of Daze: THC Rules Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-thc-rules-day/) - The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. Theaverage American, about the same. Theaverage Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzasgot25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The11th Commandment writ large. Could the engine driving this Brobdingnagian mindset be tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the psychoactive, I-wanna-take-you-higher ingredient in weed?
- [Book of Daze: Chicken Spit Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-chickenmerde-day/) - (Editor's note: We cannot use the original term for "chicken spit" because Google does not approve. So chicken spit will have to suffice. Just use your imagination.) There is nothing more spiritually offensive than chicken spit. On God's green earth, it might just be the least green thing we've got. If a person is weak,
- [Book of Daze: Drink Out of the Carton Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-drink-straight-out-of-the-carton-day/) - Today we honor the brave, the bold, the backscratchers. The people who look a carton of milk dead in the spout and say, "You. Me. Now. No middleman. No glass. No shame." Furthermore, we should stop pretending this isn't what the carton wants. It was designed for the authoritative hand. That little spout? That's not
- [Book of Daze: Overshare at the Office Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-overshare-at-the-office-day/) - Boundaries are for people who don't have a story about their rash. Accordingly, we celebrate today those who can't read the room, the sad souls who treat the office like a confessional booth only with better lighting and coffee. You are the ones who turn "How was your weekend?" into a ten-minute monologue about your
- [Book of Daze: Gaslight Your Pet Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-gaslight-your-pet-day/) - (Because unconditional love is no excuse for emotional stability.) Be honest: our pets have had it too good for too long. Endless treats, belly rubs on demand, a complete lack of rent contributions. It's time to shake things up. Time to remind Whiskers and Fido that reality is a construct–and you're the architect. Welcome to
- [Book of Daze Skip Church and Watch Porn Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-skip-church-and-watch-porn-day/) - (Because salvation is subjective and sometimes comes in 1080p.) Today we cast off the itchy wool of piety and slip into something more comfortable–like shame-resistant loungewear and a remote/browser set to incognito. This is not a day of rest. This is a day of release. National Skip Church and Watch Porn Day. Let the pews
- [Book of Daze Passive-Aggressive Cleaning Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-passive-aggressive-cleaning-day/) - (Grab your sponge, clench your jaw, and let the resentment sparkle) Today we honor the ancient art of weaponized tidiness. The sacred ritual of scrubbing your way through suppressed rage and unspoken grievances. This is not just cleaning, it's catharsis with a Swiffer. Start with the dishes. Slam them into the rack like you're auditioning
- [Book of Daze Lie to Your Therapist Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-lie-to-your-therapist-day/) - (Because personal growth is exhausting and honesty is overrated.) We celebrate today the time-honored tradition of paying $150 an hour to perform emotional stability like it's community theater. This is your day, mental health illusionist. It's your stage, your spotlight, and your chance to convince a licensed professional that you're totally fine, really. Start with
- [Book of Daze Cry in the Shower Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-cry-in-the-shower-day/) - (Because sometimes the only thing getting rinsed is your will to go on.) Today we honor the sanctuary of sobbing, a place where no one can hear you over the sound of pulsing water: the shower. It's humanity’s last bastion of privacy, acoustics, and emotional collapse. It’s not just a place to get clean—it’s a
- [Book of Daze Overthink Everything Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-overthink-everything-day/) - (Because confidence is for cowards.) On Book of Daze Overthink Everything Day, we honor the sacred spiral. The noble tradition of turning a simple "k" text into a twelve-act Greek tragedy. Of replaying that thing you said in 2019 to your doctor. Of wondering if your barista really meant "have a nice day" or if
- [Book of Daze Work Naked Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-work-naked-day/) - MEMORANDUM To: All EmployeesFrom: HR Department (now partially clothed)Date: July 19, 2025Subject: Book of Daze Work Naked Day – A Gentle Reminder of Boundaries, Decorum, and Zoom Etiquette Dear Team,Today marks the annual celebration of Book of Daze Work Naked Day, a soon-to-be-burgeoning tradition birthed from the unholy union of remote work and radical comfort.
- [Book of Daze Kimchi Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-kimchi-day/) - Celebrating the one fermented food that can simultaneously cure a cold, start a fight, and summon ancestral spirits with gastrointestinal issues. Book of Daze Kimchi Day—a holiday so pungent your fridge smells like a medieval dungeon and your Tupperware files for divorce. The following are among the many legal deployments for kimchi: DIY Pepper Spray
- [Book of Daze Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-answer-your-cats-questions-day/) - ðŸ¾Book of Daze Answer Your Cat's Questions Day is an observance for those who live under feline surveillance. Founded in 2008, Book of Daze Answer Your Cat's Questions Day is one on which humans are expected to justify their existence to creatures who believe they invented gravity. On this day cat owners are encouraged to
- [Book of Daze Fake Emotional Support Animal Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-fake-emotional-support-animal-day/) - (🦦Book of Daze Fake Emotional Support Animal Day is celebrated on July 22 or whatever day your nervous system files for imaginary assistance.) No one remembers exactly when Craig the iguana started attending therapy sessions. His handler simply placed him on a warm towel beside the Kleenex box and said, "He's here to help." A
- [Book of Daze Repress Your Feelings Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-repress-your-feelings-day/) - Book of Daze Repress Your Feelings Day is a celebration of emotional constipation.Move over Arbor Day, there's a new pointless ritual in town, and it's bringing silent resentment, dead stares, and that twitchy vein in your forehead to the national stage. Welcome to Book of Daze Repress Your Feelings Day, proudly observed by the emotionally
- [Book of Daze Boycott Carriage Rides Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-boycott-carriage-rides-day/) - (Why Book of Daze Boycott Carriage Rides Day Might Be the DayWe Didn't Know We Needed) 📰It begins with the clomp of hooves and the click of cell phone "shutters." Then, somewhere near 59th Street in New York City, a tourist from Des Moines leans toward a horse named Elvis and whispers, "It's just like
- [Book of Daze Edible Green Out Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-edible-green-out-day/) - The past year was a smorgasbord of joy-riding, snack-induced psychosis that led to Book of Daze Edible Green Out Day. Across America, people binged on mystery gummies, infused cupcakes, and "just one more" weed cookie like it was their constitutional right, In doing so, they restructured space, time, and several HOA bylaws. Edible overdoses weren't
- [Book of Daze Blame It on the Dog Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-blame-it-on-the-dog-day/) - (America's Most Convenient Holiday) There comes a time when guilt gets a hall pass and blame rolls belly-up in the grass. That time is Book of Daze Blame It on the Dog Day, a ceremonial loophole for every suspicious noise, mysterious stain, rank smell, and inexplicable disappearance. Book of Daze Blame It on the Dog
- [Book of Daze Lost Tabs Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-lost-tabs-day/) - Each year on July 30, a quiet observance shimmers across America's computer screens. Tabs are closed, not out of intention, apathy, or mistake but in reverent ceremony. It's Book of Daze Lost Tabs Day, a grassroots internet observance that's grown into a full-blown act of mourning, absolution, and collective digital grief. Book of Daze Lost
- [Book of Daze Pretend You're Not Home Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-pretend-youre-not-home-day/) - A Celebration of Cowering in Silence Book of Daze Pretend You're Not Home Day celebrates the ancient and sacred rite of hiding behind a couch while a UPS driver dares to approach the door. This holiday was founded in 2009 by a Connecticut woman who mistook a Jehovah's Witness for her ex-boyfriend and dove headfirst
- [Book of Daze Sit in the Car in the Driveway Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-sit-in-the-car-in-the-driveway-day/) - Observed faithfully by introverts, overstimulated parents, and anyone who has trouble making eye contact with their own furniture, Book of Daze Sit in the Car in the Driveway Day honors the defiant act of parking in the driveway and then sitting there for at least fifteen minutes. This practice has been observed since the earliest
- [Book of Daze Forget People's Names Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-forget-peoples-names-day/) - We are gathered here together to recall the better-forgotten times when we have died of embarrassment as names evaporated like dew on a hot sidewalk and our tongues turned to sand, our brains to mush. We know this person who has just stopped to chat with us. Know him well, but we will not remember his name, though
- [Book of Daze Apologize for Something You Didn’t Do Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-apologize-for-something-you-didnt-do-day/) - "Sorry, I just ... sorry." No one is accusing you. Nothing went wrong. No sirens have gone off. Still, you feel the need to whisper a diffident "sorry" into the void. Today is for you, then–chronic apologizer, guilt hoarders, my-bad brothers, and those who reflexively say "sorry" when someone bumps into them. The origin of
- [Book of Daze Make a To-Do List and Ignore It Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-make-a-to-do-list-and-ignore-it-day/) - "If I write it down, does that count?" The to-do list, the last refuge of procrastinators, the first I will and testament of the recently conscripted, the fine art of productivity cosplay. The to-do list is the mark of a highly anxious society because a list allows us to pick our battles, even if we never
- [Book of Daze Microwave Regret Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-microwave-regret-day/) - "It looked fine until it exploded." The roots of Book of Daze Microwave Regret Day can be traced to 2003, when sophomore Renée "Hot Pocket" Delano at the University of Alabama nuked a frozen burrito for forty-four minutes instead of 4:40 while watching a Gilmore Girls rerun. She returned to a dorm kitchen that looked
- [Book of Daze Create a New Password Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-create-a-new-password-day/) - "Strong. Secure. Immediately forgotten." This frazzled holiday was born in 1997, when IT help desk technician Gerald Bunt of Richmond, Virginia, accidentally deleted an entire department's server access after forcing a company-wide password reset. When asked to explain the meltdown, Bunt muttered, "Everyone just uses their cat's name and a number anyway," and walked calmly
- [Book of Daze Panicked Awakening Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-panicked-awakening-day/) - "What time is it?! What day is it?! Who the hell am I?!" Welcome to Book of Daze Panicked Awakening Day. Historians trace the origin of this electrifying holiday to 1974, when U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Earl Butz reportedly sat bolt upright at 3:43 a.m. and shouted "THE SOYBEANS!" He had not, in fact, forgotten
- [Book of Daze Reconsider a Rash Decision Day](https://www.pugbus.org/7591-2/) - Book of Daze Reconsider a Rash Decision Day was established in 1987 after a Florida man named Dwight "Twitch" Halvorsen impulsively changed his name to Yanni Mandela during a red wine blackout and then tried to reverse it before the DMV opened. Since then Book of Daze Reconsider a Rash Decision Day has become recognized
- [Book of Daze Therapeutic Shopping Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-therapeutic-shopping-day/) - Because nothing fills the void like a tactical air fryer." Book of Daze Therapeutic Shopping DayOwes its celebration, if not its invention, to marketing intern Andrea Lutz of Omaha, who ordered a sequined Hello Kitty yoga mat after crying in a break room closet because her boyfriend had ghosted her. "I felt better for six
- [Book of Daze Earworm Day](https://www.pugbus.org/satirical-national-earworm-day/) - "The cursed phenomenon of the earworm–the musical parasite that burrows into your brain and sets up shop without paying rent. It's the mind's version of a bad roommate: relentless, annoying, and entirely uninvited. Earworm day starts before you even open your eyes. You wake up mid-chorus, trapped in the mental equivalent of a nightmare loop.
- [Book of Daze Clean One Corner of the Room and Feel Accomplished Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-clean-one-corner-of-the-room-and-feel-accomplished-day/) - On Book of Daze Clean One Corner of the Room and Feel Accomplished Day, we celebrate the illusion of productivity through targeted micro-cleaning. Whether it's wiping one shelf, dusting a single lamp, or rearranging three coasters into a pleasing triangle, this day is all about declaring victory with minimal effort. To begin Book of Daze
- [Book of Daze Reminisce About the Internet Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-reminisce-about-the-internet-before-it-sucked-day/) - There was a time when web pages took thirty seconds to load, the average download took three hours--while you prayed that it didn't get interrupted--and nobody called themselves a "content creator." Book of Daze Reminisce About the Internet Day invites you to consider the passing of that buffering era. Founded on a BBS thread in
- [Book of Daze Butt Dialing Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-butt-dialing-day/) - Every year people across the world celebrate Book of Daze Butt Dialing Day in observance of all the accidental phone calls they have made with their asses during the preceding year--resulting in the accidental transmission of intimate details of their lives to unsuspecting listeners. Whether you're at work, on the couch, or in your car,
- [Book of Daze Cancel Plans Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-cancel-plans-day/) - Book of Daze Cancel Plans Day was founded in 2010 by Seattle software engineer Leona Bragg after she had bailed on a co-worker's game night and spent the evening drinking wine in the bathtub instead then watching Murder, She Wrote reruns. "I felt guilty for three minutes," she confessed in a Reddit post that received
- [Book of Daze Amuse-bouche Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-amuse-bouche-day/) - There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who go to restaurants that offer amuse-bouche and those who do not. For the sake of the uninitiated, an amuse-bouche (UH-mooz-boosh) is a single, bite-sized hors d'Å“uvre sent to your table compliments of the chef. They don't do that at Chipotle, you say? Then listen up, Skippy, and
- [Book of Daze Attempt to Meditate Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-attempt-to-meditate-day/) - “It's National Attempt to Meditate Day, so quiet your mind, they said. Instead you rage-punched a gong and discovered mindfulness is just anxiety in yoga pants.”
- [Book of Daze Go Through Old Photos and Weep Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-go-through-old-photos-and-weep-day/) - On Book of Daze Go Through Old Photos and Weep Day, a bittersweet day of remembrance, we scroll through old photos–digital, printed, or burned into our retinas–and descend into a nostalgia trap lined with bad haircuts, dead friendships, and exes who still haunt our Spotify algorithms like unpaid ghosts demanding royalties. Whispering, "What happened to
- [Book of Daze Start a Project You’ll Never Finish Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-start-a-project-youll-never-finish-day/) - On Book of Daze Start a Project You'll Never Finish Day we salute the birth of a thousand never-to-be-finished projects, begun with fervid ambition and absolutely no plan for completing them. Quilts. Novels. Gardens. Guitar lessons. Pilates. Journals. Keto. It doesn't matter–just start something and let entropy handle the rest. (It's about the journey ...
- [Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-have-a-conversation-entirely-in-movie-quotes-day/) - On Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day, language is not spoken, it's sampled. Communication is cobbled together from decades of cinema, and emotional intimacy is forged through quotes often misattributed and wildly out of context. Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day began in 2006 when
- [Book of Daze Do Not Disturb Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-do-not-disturb-day/) - ("If it's urgent, it probably isn't.") The origins of Book of Daze Do Not Disturb Day can be traced to 1996, when introverted dental hygienist Norma "Nono" Poletti of Missoula, Montana, finally snapped after a neighbor rang her doorbell three times in one morning just to return a damn mixing bowl. Nono reportedly put a
- [Book of Daze Retail Therapy Day](https://www.pugbus.org/https-www-pugbus-org-wp-admin-post-phppost8035actionedit/) - The birth of Book of Daze Retail Therapy Day occurred in 1987, when Janet "Maxed-Out" McCallister of Paramus, NJ, tried to cure a bad breakup by buying herself a mall fountain pretzel, three pairs of earrings she'd probably never wear, and a suspiciously discounted chaise lounge from Sears. When the lounge collapsed under her after
- [Book of Daze Google Your Symptoms Day](https://www.pugbus.org/google-your-symptoms-day/) - Today we honor the great digital oracle: the search bar, which makes the Oracle at Delphi look like a palm reader in a seedy strip mall. That itchy elbow? That vague sense of unease in your left kidney? According to the internet, you're either mildly dehydrated or actively dying. On Book of Daze Google Your
- [Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-talk-like-an-auctioneer-day/) - Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer Day was born in the back room of a livestock barn in New Holland, Pennsylvania, when somebody decided that speaking at four hundred words per minute while sweating through a bolo tie deserved its own holiday. Tradition holds that the first Book of Daze Talk Like an Auctioneer
- [Book of Daze Eat Over the Sink Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-eat-over-the-sink-like-a-goblin-day/) - Today we celebrate the art of eating like the feral kitchen cryptid you were always meant to be. Book of Daze Eat Over the Sink Day honors the noble tradition of skipping plates, shunning tables, and leaning over the sink while you inhale cold leftovers like a post-apocalyptic scavenger. Origin of Book of Daze Eat
- [Book of Daze National Nothing Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-nothing-day/) - Today we honor the void, the blank page, the unflushed thought. Book of Daze National Nothing Day is dedicated to doing, saying, buying, and posting absolutely nothing – which makes it the most radical holiday of all. Sponsored by nihilists, minimalist influencers, and anyone who has been on hold with customer service long enough to
- [Book of Daze Change Your First Name Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-change-your-first-name-day/) - Book of Daze Change Your First Name Day is your permission slip to ghost your pwn identity. Why settle for the moniker you've been dragging around since infancy? Channel your inner Roger McGuinn, pick a name that sounds like a secret agent or a cult leader, and spend the day confusing baristas, coworkers, and anyone
- [Book of Daze 7-OH Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-7-oh-day/) - Celebrating 7-OH the compound that turned gas stations into gateways and wellness into weaponry. 🧬 Book of Daze 7-OH Day Origin StoryIt began, as great American stories often do, with a plant. Mitragyna speciosa, better known to the cool kids as kratom, was once a humble Southeast Asian leaf chewed by hard working farmers for
- [Book of Daze Gaslight Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-gaslight-day/) - Celebrated on every day that ends in "y," Book of Daze Gaslight Day pays homage to the subtle and sinister art of making other people doubt their senses, memories, and sanity. This skill was passed down from Victorian gothic villains to modern corporate PR departments. Book of Daze Gaslight Day invites us to perfect this
- [Book of Daze: Over Tip Somebody Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-over-tip-somebody-day/) - Origin StoryBook of Daze Over Tip Somebody Day began in 2009 when a hungover philosopher in Brooklyn accidentally left his entire $782 paycheck as a tip for two coffees and a stale almond croissant at Starbucks. Instead of chasing him down, the barista taped the pay stub to the tip jar, and for one glorious
- [Book of Daze Ignore Your To-Do List Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-ignore-your-to-do-list-day/) - Origin StoryBook of Daze Ignore Your To-Do List Day was established in 2013 by the Society for the Advancement of Procrastination, a group that insisted the holiday should be celebrated on a random date each year–preferably one you had already marked "Important." The founders believed that lists are an oppressive technology invented by productivity Nazis
- [Book of Daze: Midlife Crisis Awareness Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-midlife-crisis-awareness-day/) - Origin StoryBook of Daze Midlife Crisis Awareness Day was created in 1974 by a consortium of Harley-Davidson dealers, red-convertible salesmen, and divorce lawyers who saw that middle-aged ennui was some ripe, low-hanging fruit. Their lobbying efforts succeeded, and a joint resolution of Congress proclaimed September 12 as the day to acknowledge publicly that you have
- [Book of Daze Return-to-Sender Day: How to Reject Life’s Cosmic Junk](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-return-to-sender-day-how-to-reject-lifes-cosmic-junk/) - Origin StoryThe Book of Daze Return-to-Sender Day was created in response to the cosmos' disturbing habit of hurling unsolicited life events our way. flat tires, bad haircuts, marriages of convenience, your-fault divorce, recalcitrant kids, and an entire decade that would later be known as "the Seventies."One day in 1951 a visionary postal clerk named Doris
- [Book of Daze Pig Latin Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-pig-latin-day/) - 🷠Origin StoryBook of Daze Pig Latin Day traces its roots to the mid-1800s, when children with too much free time and too little TikTok invented a secret language to confuse parents, teachers, clergy, and other authority figures. The original Pig Latin phrasebook included gems like "ix-nay on the onfession-cay" and "ere's-thay an urglar-bay in
- [Book of Daze the Dog Ate My Homework Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-the-dog-ate-my-homework-day/) - ðŸ“Origin Story The first recorded instance of the Book of Daze the Dog Ate My Homework Day dates back to 1905, when a Welsh minister blamed his Yorkie-poo for sabotaging his sermon. Later, John Steinbeck's Irish setter allegedly devoured part of Of Mice and Men (possibly improving it). Even President Joe Biden nodded to the
- [Book of Daze Clocks Strike None Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-clocks-strike-none-day/) - 🕰ï¸At precisely 4:32 a.m. the Bureau of Unscheduled Moments issued a silent advisory: all clocks are now considered decorative until further notice. The bureau cited "an excess of temporal ambiguity" and "widespread compulsive clock checking" as the chief causes for the edict. Subsequently on Book of Daze Clocks Strike None Day, people overslept, and when
- [Book of Daze Play Marbles Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-play-marbles-day/) - Welcome to Book of Daze Play Marbles Day, the holiday that reminds us that childhood once involved dirt, scraped knees, and glass spheres instead of dopamine loops and Fortnite skins Long before screens turned children's eyes into pale rectangles and before "social skills" meant sending each other TikToks at 3 a.m., there were marbles. Tiny
- [Book of Daze Strip Poker Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-strip-poker-day/) - Book of Daze Strip Poker Day celebrates humanity's enduring faith in the illusion that nudity is both a weapon and a prize. Gathered around a table sticky with spilled beer and desperation, the players pretend this is still a game of cards rather than a slow-motion disrobing ritual. The deck is shuffled with the solemnity
- [Book of Daze — Invisible AI Friend Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-invisible-ai-friend-day/) - Welcome to Book of Daze – Invisible AI Friend Day, a day of observation for every person, place, thing, or idea that bears observing and some that do not. Book of Days for leftover casseroles, for pretending to like our in-laws, for celebrating a hobby we mean to take up. Invisible AI Friend Day is
- [Book of Daze: Unsubscribe Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-unsubscribe-day/) - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together on unsubscribe day to cast off the chains of obligation and reclaim our inboxes, our sanity, and perhaps even our will to live. The beauty of Unsubscribe Day lies in its radical inclusiveness. We are not limited to pruning our email subscriptions, although that is the traditional ritual.
- [Book of Daze: Paint by Numbers Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-paint-by-numbers-day/) - Paint by Numbers Day begins with the illusion of precision. One awakens not to possibility, but to a grid–an invisible scaffolding imposed upon the chaos of lived experience. Each moment arrives pre-numbered, pre-colored, pre-decided. The coffee must be shade 7, the commute a dull 3, the inbox a relentless 9. There is comfort in this
- [Book of Daze: Middle Name Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-middle-name-day/) - Somewhere between the christening font and the DMV counter lies the cruelest prank ever played on humanity: the middle name. Ostensibly created as a dignified flourish, middle names have in fact been used to torment generations of children and immortalize the poor judgment of their parents. Today we celebrate Middle Name Day, a holiday that
- [Book of Daze: Go Big or Go Home Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-go-big-or-go-home-day/) - It is difficult to say precisely when "Go big or go home" wriggled out of the primordial ooze of marketing slogans and frat-house chants, but like all bad ideas it spread quickly. What began as a rallying cry for extreme sports and energy drink promotions metastasized into a philosophy of life. You cannot simply attend
- [Book of Daze: Stay Quietly in Your Room Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-stay-quietly-in-your-room-day/) - Pascal, bless his gloomy little French heart, once remarked that humanity's wretched condition stemmed from the inability to sit quietly in your room. He was right, of course. If we all cultivate the fine art of shut-in stoicism, the world might resemble a hushed monastery rather than a twenty-four-hour demolition derby driven by nimrods who
- [Book of Daze: Hug a Carnivore Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-hug-a-carnivore-day/) - Let us dispense with the kale-stained sentimentality of Hug a Vegetarian Day and inaugurate a far more primal and satisfying observance: Hug a Carnivore Day. This is not merely a celebration of dietary preference; it is a full-throated embrace of the unapologetic, iron-rich reality that some among us still honor the food chain as nature
- [Book of Daze: DIY Reality Show Audition Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-diy-reality-show-audition-day/) - Pascal warned that all of humanity's problems stem from our inability to sit quietly in a room alone. Pascal never saw a season of The Bachelor. If he had, he would have realized that humanity's problems also stem from our inability to resist the siren call of thirty seconds of televised humiliation. Every year on
- [Book of Daze: Boycott ESPN Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-boycott-espn-day/) - Join the annual ritual of resistance with Book of Daze: Boycott ESPN Day–a satirical celebration for fans who have had enough of sermons, scandals, race baiters, virtue-signalling fools, and HR drama. This is your well-deserved holy day to boycott those clowns and rediscover sports without the scold and without the sound if necessary. Book of
- [Book of Daze: Lose Your Remote Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-lose-your-remote-day/) - Once upon a time, the remote control was a badge of household sovereignty. Today it is a fugitive. On National Lose Your Remote Day, we salute the mysterious force that spirits remotes out of plain sight and into the shadowy crevices of the modern home. The Tragic StoryNational Lose Your Remote Day begins innocently enough.
- [Book of Daze: Mushroom Port-a-Potty Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-mushroom-port-a-potty-day/) - Move over, composting toilets. Step aside, blue-chemical porta-johns that smell like a Smurf's hangover. The future of human waste management has sprouted in a plastic cubicle at a Phish concert: the mushroom-powered port-a-potty. Eco-visionaries report that this lowly hut of hygienic hope uses a living mycelium bed to break down your deposits faster than you
- [Book of Daze: Pre-Owned Excuse Exchange Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-pre-owned-excuse-exchange-day/) - Human beings, like parrots and hand-me-down sweaters, thrive on recycling. Why keep inventing brand-new alibis when the planet is choking on perfectly serviceable old ones? That is the eco-ethical reasoning behind pre-owned excuse exchange day, a one-day international bazaar where fibs, white lies, and face-saving deflections get a much-needed second (or third) tour of duty.
- [Book of Daze: Ignore the Expiration Date](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-ignore-the-expiration-date/) - We imagine that Ignore the Expiration Date was born in the 1970s when big grocery chains in the United States and the U.K. introduced "open dating"–a printed "sell by" or "use by" date visible, if barely, to consumers. Before then we sniffed, we stirred, we trusted our instincts–and sometimes the Labrador, whose opinion on freshness
- [Book of Daze: Take the Wrong Turn](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-take-the-wrong-turn/) - For centuries, we humans have been rushing to take the wrong turn, driven by the hubris that we know a better way–over mountains, through deserts, and around the next left that clearly should have been a right. Take the wrong turn day celebrates this proud refusal to follow directions, the stubborn faith that your personal
- [Book of Daze: Remember 1969](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-remember-1969/) - Let us raise a chipped jelly-jar glass and remember 1969, that lawless commune of twelve months when mankind went to the Moon, but most of its citizens could not find their car keys. This was the year fashion declared war on good taste and won, when hemlines shot upward, collars flared outward, and pants ballooned
- [Book of Daze: Take Your Emotional Support Houseplant to Work](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-take-your-emotional-support-houseplant-to-work/) - Human beings are not the only ones who suffer in silence at the office. On take your emotional supporth houseplant to work, we honor the ficuses and ferns that have been quietly absorbing the psychic fallout of your late-night doom-scrolling and early-morning muttering about meetings that should have been emails. That same plant has endured
- [Book of Daze: Read the Instructions First](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-read-the-instructions-first/) - Read the Instructions First was written by an unemployed Sentient Blender with a Dual Ph.D. in Astrophysics and Italian Literature, and Self-Confidence Issues. The Read the Instructions First Assembly Was a Metaphor and Possibly a TrapThe misadventure began, as some great tragedies do, with a box. Inside the box was another box. Inside that box
- [Book of Daze: Boycott Zach Bryan](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-boycott-zach-bryan/) - Today we observe Boycott Zach Bryan Day, commemorating the moment when a mediocre and misguided "country" singer triggered a Department of Homeland Security (DHS) press cycle with a stupid lyric and a wounded Instagram "apology." Bryan's offending verse–"ICE is gonna come bust down your door / Try and build a house no one builds no
- [Book of Daze: Baker's Dozen Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-bakers-dozen-day/) - In medieval England, bakers often gave their customers thirteen rolls, a baker's dozen, when the customers had paid for only twelve. This was done out of an excess of caution because British law decreed that merchants who shorted their customers get a public flogging. . Today the only penalty for shorting somebody is a bad
- [Book of Daze: Competitive Dumpster Diving](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-competitive-dumpster-diving/) - A game for the truly resourceful, competitive dumpster diving is the fastest growing sport in America. More demanding than extreme ironing, more elegant than wife carrying, competitive dumpster diving is the true test of agility, nerve, and post-consumer irony. On this day the art of high-end reclamation is elevated to the status of an Olympic
- [Book of Daze: Pretend You Read Classic Literature](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-pretend-you-read-classic-literature/) - Once a year, the nation celebrates the noble art of literary bluffing. On Pretend You Read Classic Literature Day, ordinary citizens dust off the unread tomes that have been gathering dust since college and carry them into public like fashion accessories for the soul. Nothing says "cultured" like holding War and Peace with the same
- [Book of Daze: Unsent Email Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-unsent-email-day/) - At last, a holiday for the emotionally literate and professionally repressed: Unsent Email Day, a sacred observance for all who have typed their truth at 2:00 a.m., hovered over "Send," and thought better of it. The premise is simple: say what you really mean–then do not. It is a day for catharsis without consequences, for
- [Book of Daze: Jitterbug Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-jitterbug-day/) - Let it be known throughout the land that October 25th is Book of Daze: Jitterbug Day, a sacred observance commemorating the only dance that can summon both joy and mild whiplash in a single eight-count. The jitterbug, born in the smoky swing dens of 1930s Harlem, was originally a covert military experiment designed to weaponize
- [Book of Daze: Truth-Adjacent Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-truth-adjacent-day/) - For at least two decades now, adjacency has wormed its way into the public discourse, gnawing holes in it like a caffeinated termite. What used to mean "next to" in a tidy, literal sense now signals a creeping reliance on convenience, the linguistic equivalent of microwaving meaning. Anything close enough to the truth (Truth-Adjacent) may
- [Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-misheard-lyrics-day/) - Every November 3 (or whatever date looks least credible on a calendar), we pause to celebrate the eternal struggle between sound and sense: Book of Daze: Misheard Lyrics Day. On this special occasion, we honor the millions of people who have confidently sung nonsense for decades–people who believe their ears are better than reality and
- [Book of Daze: Skip Your Medication Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-skip-your-medication-day/) - Every year, like clockwork, our culture manufactures a new holiday to celebrate the triumph of impulse over reason. Thus we arrive at Skip Your Medication Day–a bold experiment in natural selection disguised as self-care. It is the one day when the nation's pill organizers may rest, their tidy compartments unsnapped, their contents left to contemplate
- [Book of Daze: Do Not Push the Envelope Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-do-not-push-the-envelope-day/) - Pushing the envelope is as American as baseball, hot dogs, deep-fried Oreos, and elective surgery. It is also not for amateurs. The envelope, it is our duty to tell you, was never meant to be pushed. It was meant to contain things–bills, bad news, wedding invitations, political come-ons, or, occasionally, a ransom note. Yet people
- [Book of Daze: Disappearing Act Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-disappearing-act-day/) - We gather to celebrate disappearing act day, the yearly ritual of slipping sideways into the folds of unreality. The reasons for staging your own disappearance are many. One is the joy of baffling the audience, leaving them gasping at the empty stage while you sip tea unobserved in the wings. Another reason is the desire
- [Book of Daze: Avoiding Common Euphemisms in Writing](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-avoiding-common-euphemisms-in-writing/) - The calendar opens on Common Euphemisms in Writing day, when language is placed under a microscope. Euphemism Day is not so much a holiday as a tribunal. Words that soften, blur, obfuscate, or disguise are dragged into the square. Risk management is exposed as insurance.Rightsizing is reduced to layoffs, and every bureaucratic collapse is dressed
- [Book of Daze: To Thine Own Self Be True Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-to-thine-own-self-be-true-day/) - Once a year, on To Thine Own Self Be True Day, people attempt the impossible: being honest with themselves for more than seven consecutive seconds. This day honors the famously long-winded Polonius, who offered this advice moments before being used as Elizabethan drywall. Modern celebrants begin by vowing to "live authentically," usually while holding a
- [Book of Daze: Interpretive Walking Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-interpretive-walking-day/) - Interpretive Walking Day honors the simple act of getting from one place to another while refusing to do it in a sensible manner. On this day people are urged to abandon ordinary strides and travel through the world with theatrical exaggeration, elongated limbs, and gestures that suggest both purpose and confusion. This footloose holiday originated
- [Book of Daze: Schrödinger’s Cat's Deadline Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-schrodingers-cats-deadline-day/) - Schrödinger's Cat's Deadline Day commemorates the only workplace phenomenon more unsettling than mandatory trust falls: the task that is both late and not late until someone asks about it. This quantum paradox was first identified in 1935, when physicist Erwin Schrödinger attempted to explain superposition using a cat, a box, and a report on Austrian
- [Book of Daze: Customer Service on Hold Music Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-customer-service-on-hold-music-day/) - Customer Service on Hold Music Day honors the soulless ritual of being placed on hold while a corporation decides whether your existence merits acknowledgment. On this day, people hum the limp elevator melodies that have wallpapered their subconscious for years. They drift through hallways murmuring soft jazz, off-brand bossa nova, or that suspiciously chipper xylophone
- [Book of Daze: Unread Books Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-unread-books-day/) - Unread Books Day honors the towering stacks of good intentions that have loomed beside beds, beneath coffee tables, and atop toilet tanks for decades without ever being opened. These books were purchased during moments of reckless self-belief, often after reading a review that contained the word “essential,” “challenging,” or “will change your life.” They now
- [Book of Daze: Rethinking Draft Emails Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-rethinking-draft-emails-day/) - There are those rare sages who, in a moment of digital restraint, choose the conservative “Save Draft” button instead of the seductive and more satisfying “Send.” They are the monks of the inbox, the ascetics of correspondence. By rethinking draft emails they spare themselves the humiliation of unleashing raw emotion into the cold circuitry of
- [Book of Daze: Algorithm Anxiety Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-algorithm-anxiety-day/) - Today we observe Algorithm Anxiety Day, the mother of all modern holidays. This is the day each year when we acknowledge the cold, indisputable truth: we are no longer consumers; we are merely data packets awaiting divine judgment from the all-seeing, all-knowing, and increasingly erratic oracle known as The Feed. The Origin StoryAlgorithm Anxiety Day
- [Book of Daze: Keith Richards Birthday](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-keith-richards-birthday/) - Keith Richards is eighty-two years old today. At this point, Keef is not just an old, haggard human being; he is a biological glitch, a middle finger to the concept of cellular decay. While most people his age are thrilled if they can find their reading glasses, Keith Richards birthday celebration will include whatever laws
- [Book of Daze: Artificial Nostalgia Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-artificial-nostalgia-day/) - Today you celebrate the memories you never had but feel guilty about forgetting. Artificial nostalgia day honors the ache for a past that never happened, yet somehow feels more authentic than anything you remember from last Tuesday. This civic holiday is devoted to longing, preferably the kind purchased pre-aged, lightly distressed, and emotionally pre-approved by
- [Book of Daze: Pope's Nose Turkey Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-popes-nose-turkey-day/) - Pope’s Nose turkey day honors the butt-end of a turkey--that triangular, fatty little nub that people fight over like starving wolves or treat like a radioactive biological hazard. Pope's Nose day is the ultimate "participation trophy" of holiday turkey dinners. It is for the losers who did not get the drumstick. It is for the
- [Book of Daze: Temporal Hangover Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-temporal-hangover-day/) - The sun storms through the curtains and hits Arthur like a physical assault. The real problem, however, of this temporal hangover day, is that Arthur's brain remains anchored in the quiet dark while his body is already halfway across the room. He feels the phantom sensation of his feet hitting the cold hardwood floor before
- [Book of Daze: Apologize for Autocorrect Bloopers Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-apologize-for-autocorrect-bloopers-day/) - Apologize for Autocorrect Bloopers Day is observed annually on the third Tuesday in March. Ironic, isn't it, that our phones have so many days to accumulate bloopers on our behalf, and we get only one day for apologizing? The phone promised to make communication easier. It delivered on that promise by making humiliation instantaneous. Thus,
- [Book of Daze: Flip Off the CCTV Spies](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-flip-off-the-cctv-spies/) - CCTV spies are watching. Always watching. They have eyes in the sky, eyes in the supermarket, eyes in the bank and the shopping mall, too. Eyes at the ATM, eyes on the BLM, eyes at the g, y, m, eyes on me and you. Eyes in the motels, eyes on the street, eyes on the
- [Book of Daze: Did You Forget to Lock the Front Door Day?](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-did-you-forget-to-lock-the-front-door-day/) - You begin to wonder did you forget to lock the front door the second you are too far away to turn back. This observance is not marked by the rotation of the earth or the phases of the moon, but by the sudden, icy grip of uncertainty that clutches the heart of a commuter who
- [Book of Daze: Streaming Service Cancellation Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-streaming-service-cancellation-day/) - Streaming service cancellation day was born on February 12, 2019, when Portland resident Marcus Chen received his fourth consecutive monthly charge from Netflix, which he could have sworn he had cancelled five months before. After spending forty-seven minutes navigating customer service menus and "chatting" with a service representative who typed with two fingers, Chen experienced
- [Book of Daze: Second Opinion Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-second-opinion-day/) - There are days when the universe seems to insist that one opinion is never enough. Today has been declared Second Opinion Day, a civic holiday that no legislature ever approved but that everyone observes anyway, mostly because no one wants to be the lone citizen who trusts a single viewpoint. The tradition began, according to
- [Book of Daze: Don't Frighten the Horses Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-dont-frighten-the-horses-day/) - Postmodern society has obviously forgotten the golden rule of Victorian decorum: "Don’t frighten the horses." This was the bedrock of civilization: maintaining a public facade of decency so that the livestock—and, by extension, the neighbors—remained unbothered. Yet, as we open the Book of Daze today, we find that the horses are not merely frightened; they
- [The Ten Worst Clichés in English Should Be Capital Crimes](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-worst-cliches-in-english-should-be-capital-crimes/) - Cliches are the herpes of human speech–once contracted, they flare up whenever people try to sound thoughtful. You hear them at brunches, board meetings, and funerals, wedding speeches, dinner parties, after parties, wherever two or more of you are gathered together. They dribble from the mouths of the well-schooled and the half-witted alike. These ten
- [The War on White Avatars](https://www.pugbus.org/the-war-on-white-avatars/) - In remarks that managed to sound both urgent and exquisitely procedural, Black Lives Matter official D’Aryll Scott-Jones, Director of All Things That Matter, called for immediate boycotts of websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made the comments during an interview with National Public Radio,
- [Daily Irregular Horoscopes: Classic Literature Edition](https://www.pugbus.org/daily-irregular-horoscopes-classic-literature-edition/) - Before revealing today’s irregular predictions, a gentle warning: these horoscopes are based on characters that appear in classic literature, not on vibes, entrails, crystals, or whatever astrology TikTok is peddling today. If you recognize the book that your character appeared in, you earn imaginary bonus points redeemable for smugness. If you have actually read the
- [Jimmy Kimmel's Emotional Incontinence on Display, Again](https://www.pugbus.org/jimmy-kimmels-emotional-incontinence-on-display-again/) - In the theatre of human emotion, there is nothing like the sight of a middle-aged talk show host suffering an attack of emotional incontinence because a politician said a mean word or a celebrity child sneezed in a heartwarming fashion. We have long witnessed James Christian Kimmel transform into a human garden hose so frequently that
- [The 2026 Food Delivery Services Report](https://www.pugbus.org/the-2026-food-delivery-services-report/) - Food delivery services, once the beacon of modern convenience, have now entered what experts are calling their “Dadaist Phase.” What began as simple requests for pad Thai and iced coffee has evolved into a cluster bomb of confusion, disappointment, and lightly threatening text messages from drivers named after Greek gods. This report compiles the latest
- [Horoscopes That Are Over the Legal Speed Limit](https://www.pugbus.org/horoscopes-that-are-over-the-legal-speed-limit/) - Aries ... Your confidence is intoxicating, but so is your blood alcohol level. Do not text your boss or your ex tonight, especially if they are the same person. The stars advise hydrating, confessing nothing, and blaming Mercury for everything. Taurus ... You are the designated driver of the zodiac–responsible, steady, and resentful. Tonight, however,
- [The Ten Most Common Dreams Explained](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-most-common-dreams-explained/) - Presented here are the ten most common dreams, transcribed to reveal what they are actually saying when they think you are not listening. Dreams belong in the mind’s spam folder. They arrive uninvited, make bold promises, and leave you confused, exposed, or inexplicably naked in a Costco. Scientists say common dreams process emotions. This is
- [How to Spot a Fake YouTube Story](https://www.pugbus.org/how-to-spot-a-fake-youtube-story/) - YouTube wants us to think it is the mother of all video platforms. In practice, it is often a bedtime-story factory for adults who need to believe in something. Thus, the fake YouTube story--inspirational, softly lit, emotionally compelling, and totally crap. If you have ever watched one of these productions and felt your skepticism being
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? Work-Life Balance](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-work-life-balance/) - The mailbag is once again bulging with anxious questions written at standing desks, during lunch breaks that lasted six minutes, or while someone pretended to listen on a Zoom call. The ink smells faintly of burnout, kombucha, and performance reviews about work-life balance. As always, Nietzsche agreed to respond, despite insisting he does not offer
- [What Would Nietzsche Do: Self-Care Product Reviews](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-self-care-product-reviews/) - Letters arrived. Many letters. Perfumed. Tear-stained. Over-sincere. Against his better judgment, Friedrich Nietzsche agreed to Self-Care Product Reviews, casting a weathered, curious, and befuddled eye on the products you insist will save you. He did not thank you. He sharpened his pen. Product One: The Existential Bath Bomb (Lavender + Minerals + Promises)Claim: Dissolves anxiety.
- [Celebrity Shockers: Outrageous Moments, Arrests, and Meltdowns](https://www.pugbus.org/celebrity-shockers-outrageous-moments-arrests-and-meltdowns/) - Browse our ever-growing collection of scandals, gaffes, tantrums, and career-threatening brainstorms. New entries are added whenever another boldface name decides to goose destiny, derail common sense, or otherwise volunteer for inclusion in this rogue’s gallery of weaponized ego and stupidity. It is the world’s longest-running parade of hubris, hangovers, and Hollywood’s Most Teachable Moments (Spoiler:
- [The Grammar Grump Rides Hobson's Choice to Victory](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-rides-hobsons-choice-to-victory/) - While simultaneously watching The Hour on BBC America last night and reading Nina Burleigh's The Fatal Gift of Beauty: The Trials of Amanda Knox, I heard one of the characters on The Hour refer to a choice between two unpleasant alternatives as a "Hobson's choice." "Bloody hell," I muttered. "That's not a Hobson's choice. It's a Morton's fork. You'd expect
- [The Grammar Grump Sticks It to The Neosecularist and ESPN](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-sticks-it-to-the-neosecularist-and-espn/) - While navigating the backwaters of the internet yesterday, I nearly ran aground on a website entitled The Neosecularist. What brought me up startled was this sentence: "There is some graphic descriptions of abortion procedures in this column." Harrumph, I said to myself, and there is a graphic example of a language abortion in that sentence—the ignorant
- [The Grammar Grump Fingers Three Who Misused Begs the Question](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-fingers-three-who-misused-begs-the-question/) - Hello, boys and girls. The Grammar Grump has a treat for you today. Instead of our regular quiz designed to irritate you and to undermine your confidence in your "language arts skills," we're going to present our first Helmet Head® awards, which are designed to irritate "professionals" whose "language arts skills" have already been undermined.
- [The Grammar Grump Says Leave God Out of It](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-says-leave-god-out-of-it/) - While the Grammar Grump was watching a football game on television recently, an announcer declared, "Quarterbacks like Peyton Manning are a godsend." What is wrong with that statement, boys and girls? 1) Peyton Manning, despite his success during the regular season, has a crap record in playoff games and has won just one Super Bowl
- [You Are All Charlie Hebdo, Warns the Grammar Grump](https://www.pugbus.org/you-are-all-charlie-hebdo-warns-the-grammar-prick/) - That was some strange business that went down in Paris yesterday, wasn't it, boys and girls? Couple of Muslim thugs and their fan boy killing all those people in the Charlie Hebdo magazine office over a few cartoons that took the mickey out of the prophet Muhammad. The Grammar Grump has to confess that there have been
- [Trump Appoints Grammar Grump to New Cabinet Post](https://www.pugbus.org/trump-appoints-grammar-prick-to-new-cabinet-post/) - President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Grump to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Grumo is legendary for his animadversions against those who violate the rules of polite discourse, spoken or written. His work is featured exclusively on the
- [West Chester University Student Wins Grammar Grump's Crappy Writing Award](https://www.pugbus.org/west-chester-university-student-wins-grammar-pricks-merdety-writing-award/) - In today's lesson, boys and girls, the Grammar Grump will attempt to teach you how not to write like an Arschloch. The best way to do that is by example. So here's an example of "writing" so incontrovertibly bad that it wins the first leg of the Grammar Grump's Crappy Writing Award. Before we begin with
- [The Grammar Grump's Lockdown Lessons](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-pricks-lockdown-lessons/) - I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you're staying quietly in your rooms, here's a quiz to keep you amused. C'mon, you can't look at porn
- [The Grammar Grump Dares You to Take This Pronoun Test](https://www.pugbus.org/grammar-grouch-pronoun-test/) - This morning I read the following sentence on a blog: "Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve their marriage has it all wrong." Now I ask you, fellow English speakers, did you find any grammatical spanners in the works here? No, you say. There's nothing to see here, keep moving. The sentence makes
- [The Grammar Grump Says, "You Don't Know Your Butt from Irony"](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-says-you-dont-know-your-ass-from-irony/) - Today, boys and girls, we're going to talk about irony and the shameful way that irony is gang raped in public by illiterate yobs too lazy to consult a dictionary and too proud to care. We begin with some definitions and examples, which you damn well better memorize. Irony is the contrast between what is expected
- [Minneapolis Porch Pirates Seeking to Unionize](https://www.pugbus.org/minneapolis-porch-pirates-seeking-to-unionize/) - Citing “chronic wrist strain, unpredictable and often hostile working conditions, and the absence of paid leave,” a loosely organized coalition of Minneapolis porch pirates has announced that they are exploring unionization. Their decision marks what labor experts are calling the most civic-minded development in many years. The group, provisionally named Local 404: United Federation of
- [Don Lemon Unveils New Board Game](https://www.pugbus.org/don-lemon-unveils-new-board-game/) - In a surprise announcement delivered with the solemnity usually reserved for national apologies and network rebrands, Don Lemon has unveiled Jurisdiction!, a board game he developed to allow Americans “to engage with complexity” while sitting at a table, rolling dice, and slowly realizing that nothing will ever change. “This is not a political game,” Lemon
- [Ten Signs You’ve Landed on a Truly Terrible Adult Website](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-richies-top-ten-signs-youre-visiting-a-bad-porn-web-site/) - Curated by an unnamed celebrity lifestyle author who insists she only researches for fiction, vision boards, and anthropological curiosity. 10️⃣ The loading screen asks you to “please be patient, the dial-up hamsters are tired.” 9️⃣ The menu bar includes Laundry Tips, Soup Recipes, and Tax Exemption Forms. 8️⃣ Payment options include store coupons, expired bus
- [Charlie Sheen Top Ten Signs You Ate Magic Mushrooms](https://www.pugbus.org/charlie-sheens-top-ten-signs-you-ate-magic-mushroooms/) - Charlie Sheen has voiced a cautionary note about the use of magic mushrooms to combat depression, anxiety, and drug dependence. In spite of positive reports from Johns Hopkins researchers about the potential of mushrooms to effect long-lasting, positive changes in mood and behavior, Mr. Sheen warns against "looking for a shortcut" to improved mental health.
- [Mel Gibson's Top Ten Signs the Cop Who Stopped You Is Jewish](https://www.pugbus.org/mel-gibsons-top-ten-signs-the-cop-who-stopped-you-is-jewish/) - Mel Gibson's preoccupation with Jewish culture has landed him in the news again. Mr. Gibson, who recently checked into a rehabilitation center at an undisclosed location to undergo treatment for chronic alcoholism, somehow managed to place a call to The Rush Limbaugh Show yesterday. Under the guise of explaining that his anti-Semitic remarks had been taken out
- [Top Ten People Riley Cooper Wants to Fight](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-people-riley-cooper-wants-to-fight/) - PHILADELPHIA–Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper started a conversation on race in America when he declared at a Kenny Chesney concert in June, "I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro."Mr. Cooper's threat eventually went viral on the internet, prompting a merde rain of indignation over his outburst. Hoping to convince people that
- [O.J. Simpson Arrest Exclusive: Top Ten Reasons If He Did It](https://www.pugbus.org/o-j-simpson-arrest-exclusive-top-ten-reasons-if-he-did-it/) - O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is "really innocent this time," was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and one count each of armed burglary, conspiracy, and wearing golf shoes in a hotel room. The charges were brought against Mr. Simpson, 60,
- [Ten Things That Will Fall Now That Roe Has Fallen](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-things-that-will-fall-if-roe-falls/) - The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that's good and holy that will make Sherman's March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program. Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls for women to take a
- [Ten Reasons Cats Aren't Mentioned in the Bible](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-reasons-cats-arent-mentioned-in-the-bible/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats. Cats appear to be prospering despite not being mentioned in the bible.
- [Ten Other Things Named Kelce](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-other-things-named-kelce/) - "Kelce" is among the top-trending dog names in the country–up 135% in a year–according to Rover, a Seattle-based matchmaker that connects pet owners with pet sitters and dog walkers. In addition people hung that name on other items: dignity wands, velvet vestibules, methane postcards, gerbils, drinks, cats, streets. new stars, tools, executive briefings. We put
- [The Top Ten List of Secret Menu Fast Food Items](https://www.pugbus.org/how-to-order-the-top-ten-secret-menu-fast-food-items/) - (Ten secret menu items. Ten reasons your pancreas called the cops.) ✦Forget the laminated lies. The real menu lives in whispers, nods, and the sacred geometry of condiment placement. To access the following secret menu items, you must: approach the counter with the confidence of someone who’s already eaten three meals today. Say the item
- [The Ten Dog Breeds Most Likely to Hump a Leg](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-dog-breeds-most-likely-to-hump-a-visitors-leg/) - When people say dogs are "man's best friend," what they really mean is "man's most relentless public humilator." Forget loyalty, forget companionship – these four-legged freaks are just waiting for the chance to turn your quiet dinner party into a live-action Cinemax blooper reel. And nowhere is their talent for chaos more concentrated than in
- [The Ten Worst Ringo Songs Ever](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-worst-ringo-songs-ever/) - Ringo. The chump who once drummed behind Lennon/McCartney and then spent the next fifty years proving that lightning not only doesn't strike twice–it files a restraining order against him. 1. "No No Song" (1974) Imagine a novelty tune written by a stoner uncle who just discovered rhyming dictionaries. A song about saying no to drugs,
- [Ten Worst Chili Recipes of All Time](https://www.pugbus.org/🌶️-the-ten-worst-chili-recipes-of-all-time/) - Chili is the primordial stew of the American subconscious, a dish so elemental, so fiercely debated, it has fractured friendships, ignited cook-off feuds, and inspired entire subcultures of apron-clad zealots who believe cumin is a moral imperative. Chili is not merely food; it is edible ideology. At its core, chili is a bubbling cauldron of
- [Ten Frozen Pizzas Ranked Worst to Best](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-frozen-pizzas-ranked-worst-to-best/) - Frozen pizza is America's most co-dependent love affair. We buy it not because we want it, but because it's there–waiting, cheap, patient, wedged behind a bag of freezer-burned peas like a shameful ex you keep texting. The category runs the gamut from "barely edible yoga mat" to "halfway respectable meal you might actually feed to
- [Ten of the Stupidest Truck Songs Ever](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-stupidest-truck-songs-ever-recorded/) - Buckle your seat belt, crank up the CB radio, and grab a six-pack of lukewarm Schlitz. We're about to roll through the pothole-ridden boulevard of the ten stupidest truck songs ever recorded. From sentimental sludge to macho flatulence, these "classics" prove that country music's real enemy was never disco–it was its own steering wheel. Ranked
- [The Ten Worst George Harrison Guitar Solos](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-worst-george-harrison-guitar-solos/) - George Harrison, the so-called "quiet Beatle," has been canonized by know-nothing fans and rock critic fanboys as some mystical slide-guitar guru, a saintly arranger, a man who could conjure melodies with the grace of a saffron-robed monk. That's the myth. The truth is, when it came to solos, George often sounded like a kid at
- [Ten Things Starbucks Can Do to Win Back Customers](https://www.pugbus.org/starbucks-satire-customer-attraction/) - (The Pug Bus Editorial Board (who only order cold brew but resent paying for it) presents Starbucks satire recommendations) Starbucks is in deep trouble. Sales are slipping, stores are emptier than the poetry section at Walmart, and even the pumpkin spice cult seems to be losing its grip on the nation’s taste buds. Analysts blame
- [The Ugliest Singers of the Last Twenty-five Years](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-ugliest-singers-of-the-last-twenty-five-years/) - (The ten ugliest popular singers of the last 25 years--any genre living or dead. These folks won the genetic lottery in reverse–and managed to cash the ticket anyway.) Mick Jagger (still alive somehow) The Praying Mantis of Rock Mick has been ugly since the Beatles were in diapers, and yet he's somehow transcended time, wrinkles,
- [👻 The Most Dangerous Fall Foliage Drives in America](https://www.pugbus.org/👻-ten-most-dangerous-fall-foliage-drives-in-america/) - Each autumn, millions of Americans flock to the nation's backroads in search of fiery leaves, pumpkin patches, and the illusion of serenity. But behind every golden canopy lies a sinister truth: fall foliage drives are nature's honey trap. What follows is a curated list of America's Most Dangerous Fall Foliage Drives–where beauty distracts, deer attack,
- [The Ten Worst Walmart Shoppers](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-worst-walmart-shoppers-a-savage-field-guide-to-retail-hell/) - Attention, Walmart shoppers. Walmart, aka the Flying W, is where America goes to prove that Darwin was an optimist. It's not just a store – it's a proving ground for the misshapen psyche. Every aisle is a catwalk of dysfunction, a sociological safari where the weak of will and strong of odor roam free. Here
- [The Ten Most Embarrassing Rod Stewart Songs](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-most-embarrassing-rod-stewart-songs/) - Once upon a time, Rod Stewart was a raspy-voiced singer who gave us Every Picture Tells a Story – a record so perfect it should be handed out at birth. Then, sometime in the mid-'70s, he traded his soul for a leopard-print jacket, a bottle of Malibu, and a Casio drum machine. What followed was
- [The Last People in America Who Do Not Have a Podcast (Top Ten List)](https://www.pugbus.org/the-last-people-in-america-who-do-not-have-a-podcast-top-ten-list/) - America has more podcasts than citizens, which means someone, somewhere, is hosting two of them just to cover for the slackers. In a nation where everyone from your dentist to your Uber driver has a "raw, honest conversation" uploaded weekly, the following ten people stand out as stubborn holdouts. We salute them for their refusal
- [Ten Best Stoner Albums Ever](https://www.pugbus.org/the-top-ten-list-of-best-stoner-albums-ever/) - 10. Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath (1970)Best Track to Melt Into: "N.I.B."The first album ever to say, "What if we tuned our guitars to the sound of a coffin lid closing?" This is patient zero for all stoner music. Ozzy was still semi-coherent, the riffs were thick enough to get stuck in your teeth, and
- [Ten Reasons You Will Never Get Rich Quick](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-reasons-you-will-never-be-rich/) - 1. You Treat Money Like a Guest StarIt breezes through your life like a cameo appearance on Friends. Fun while it's here, gone before you remember its name. 2. Your Budget Is Written in CrayonIt is colorful, occasionally scented, and absolutely useless for actual math. Hence it's one of the Top Ten Reasons You Will
- [Ten Reasons Why We Never Wish to Hear About Travis Kelce Again](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-lists-why-we-never-wish-to-hear-about-travis-kelce-again/) - Travis Kelce is not especially interesting or good looking. He is a phenomenon of excess, a man so thoroughly media-saturated that his mere existence feels like a sponsored interruption. He is an algorithm's idea of "charisma": loud, somewhat affable in a row house way, and endlessly available. This top ten list is a public service,
- [Ten Reasons for Avoiding Jury Duty](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-reasons-for-avoiding-jury-duty/) - Jury duty: the sacred civic rite where one's fate is decided not by gods or algorithms, but by twelve strangers who once Googled "how to look impartial." But what if your soul simply isn't calibrated for courtroom gravity? What if your aura clashes with fluorescent lighting and procedural justice? Fear not. Below are ten excuses
- [Top Ten List: Stupidest Dummies Books Everver](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-list-stupidest-dummies-books-ever/) - There are more than 1,800 Dummies titles in print, with 250 million plus copies sold worldwide. That's not a publishing success, it is a mass hallucination--and a hurdle to choosing .the Stupidest Dummies Books A quarter-billion people have willingly shelled out cash to be called "dummies" by a book that thinks "Excel" is a personality
- [The Ten Sickest Looking People in the Doctor’s Waiting Room](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-list-the-sickest-looking-people-in-the-doctors-waiting-room/) - Waiting rooms are basically Ground Zero for humanity's decline. You sit under those florescent lights, breathing recycled coughs, surrounded by people who look like they've lost bets with their immune systems. 1. We are sorry to inform you that this individual is no longer listed among the living. His description is being withheld pending notification
- [Top Ten Patron Saints of Bad Decisions](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-list-of-patron-saints-of-bad-decisions/) - For centuries the Church has trafficked in patron saints who represent self-denial, chastity, and other deeply unmarketable virtues. Yet ordinary mortals know that we need heavenly sponsorship for the messy stuff: overdrafts, karaoke, and sending "u up?" texts that end careers. The Church, however, in its infinite selective memory, has canonized only those who embody
- [10 Conspiracy Theories That Are Just Your Mom Gossiping](https://www.pugbus.org/10-conspiracy-theories-that-are-just-your-mom-gossiping/) - Conspiracy theories, we're told, are the whispers of shadowy cabals plotting in windowless rooms. In reality, they are usually the whispers of your mom plotting over a lukewarm Dunkin' latte. If you've ever wondered why the Illuminati seems oddly obsessed with the neighbor's lawn ornaments, it's because your mom has been running the tinfoil distribution
- [Why Americans Should Master the Subjunctive Mood](https://www.pugbus.org/why-americans-should-master-the-subjunctive-mood/) - America has always been a nation of moods–angry moods, hungry moods, "why does my neighbor mow at 6 a.m.?" moods. But the mood we desperately need is the subjunctive mood, that slippery grammatical unicorn that lets us dream of things as they could be, not as they are. If you've ever thought, If I were
- [Handshake Etiquette: Ten Types of Handshakes and When to Deploy Them](https://www.pugbus.org/handshake-etiquette-ten-types-of-handshakes-and-when-to-deploy-them/) - There was a time when a handshake was a simple affirmation: I greet you, I will not stab you with the other hand. Now with the codification of handshake etiquette, the handshake has evolved into a Rorschach test of power, anxiety, and unmet childhood needs. You should master these ten species of hand-to-hand combat before
- [Ten New Alexa Voices](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-new-alexa-voices/) - Let's crack open the cosmic voice vault and summon ten New Alexa Voices, each one a mythic upgrade from the current sterile defaults. These are not just voices; they are editorial archetypes, sonic rituals, and satirical avatars ready to inhabit your smart speaker. The Cryptid ConciergeHalf Sasquatch, half NPR host. Offers weather updates with foghorns
- [🎸Top Ten Phish Tunes That Should Have Stayed in the Practice Room](https://www.pugbus.org/🎸top-ten-phish-tunes-that-should-have-stayed-in-the-practice-room/) - Ah, the Top Ten Phish Tunes That Should've Stayed in the Practice Room, tunes that even the most devoted wooks pretend don't exist. Let's dive into the murky depths of the jam swamp and dredge up ten sonic misfires that make even glowstickers pause mid-flail. "Jennifer Dances" A song so universally panned it has become
- [Ten Car-Chasing Dog Breeds Ranked](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-car-chasing-dog-breeds-ranked/) - Disclaimer: No Car-Chasing Dog Breeds, top ten or otherwise, should ever be allowed to chase cars. It is dangerous, chaotic, and deeply embarrassing when they catch one and do not know what to do next. Instead, channel that cosmic energy into agility courses, frisbee rituals, or interpretive dance. 🚗🕠Top Ten Car-Chasing Dog Breeds Ranked
- [The Ten Worst Pick-up Lines in History](https://www.pugbus.org/12225-2/) - The Ten Worst Pick-Up Lines in History Artificial intelligence may write passable sonnets and select your socks, but humanity still insists on approaching other humans with lines that feel forged in a lava lamp. Behold a museum of conversational malpractice. This field guide ranks the ten worst pick-up lines in history by cultural embarrassment and
- [Ten Unusual Things that Should Be Taken with a Grain of Salt](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-unusual-things-that-should-be-taken-with-a-grain-of-salt/) - Following the Great Pickle Uprising and the fall of the Mayonnaise Empire, humanity has clung to one guiding principle: take it with a grain of salt. This maxim, once used to temper dubious claims, now serves as the cornerstone of all interdimensional diplomacy, snack-based theology, and interpretive dance critiques. Below are ten things that should
- [Ten Ways to Get a Free Thanksgiving Turkey](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-ways-to-get-a-free-thanksgiving-turkey-2/) - 1. The Séance StrategySummon the ghost of last year's turkey. Demand restitution. Most spectral turkeys are surprisingly apologetic and will re-manifest as a physical bird if you chant "Butterball, Butterball, bless this haul" thirteen times while wearing gravy as war paint. 2. The Gobble Proxy GambitVolunteer to "help coordinate turkey deliveries" for your neighborhood food
- [Ten Bargain Wines at $4.99 or Less](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-bargain-wines-at-4-99-or-less/) - The connoisseur of bargain bin vintages must steel himself for a journey into the underbelly of viniculture, where price tags whisper of austerity and flavors scream of catastrophe. To sip bargain wines priced at $4.99 or less is to embrace a parody of refinement, a carnival of aromas that no sommelier would dare catalogue. Here,
- [Ten People Who Still Put a Steering Wheel Lock on Their Cars](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-people-who-still-put-a-steering-wheel-lock-on-their-cars/) - 1. The Time-Warp Grandpa Age 82, male, permanently dressed like a 1993 RadioShack manager. Smells faintly of solder and distant disappointment. Believes car thieves roam in themed packs (e.g., "The Bluetooth Bandits"). Locks his steering wheel with the solemnity of a man arming a Cold War missile silo. 2. The Anxiety Prepper Age 41, female,
- [Ten Worst College Songs Ever](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-worst-college-songs-ever/) - There exists a special circle of auditory hell reserved for college alma mater songs, those funereal dirges that transform thousands of otherwise rational young adults into sobbing wrecks clutching their mortarboards. These are not the peppy fight songs that accompany athletic violence, but rather the slow, soul-extracting hymns that sound like they were composed by
- [Ten Best Satirical Shows Leaving Netflix Soon](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-best-satirical-shows-leaving-netflix-soon/) - Netflix, your bestiehome companion, does not ghost content without warning. Each month the Big N reveals ten shows that are slated to disappear into the streaming void–eventually to reappear on some other platform that will charge an additional monthly fee. The following are the shows Netflix has graciously decided you no longer deserve to receive.
- [Ten Ways to Avoid a Tax Audit](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-ways-to-avoid-a-tax-audit/) - The tax audit was invented shortly after governments realized that citizens could count. Once the masses discovered arithmetic, the tax authorities panicked. How dare ordinary people add and subtract without permission? Thus, the tax audit was born: a ritual humiliation designed to remind taxpayers that their shoe box of receipts is never truly safe. From
- [Top Ten Rejected Holiday Mascots](https://www.pugbus.org/top-ten-rejected-holiday-mascots/) - The committee of forgotten holidays gathered in a windowless ballroom lit by flickering fluorescent tubes, determined to crown mascots that would carry their obscure celebrations into the hearts of the masses. What emerged instead was a parade of creatures and caricatures so unsettling that even the most desperate marketing executives fled the room clutching their
- [Ten Best Meditation Practices](https://www.pugbus.org/the-ten-best-meditation-practices/) - In an age when true peace is measurable only by the lack of notifications on one’s wrist, and enlightenment is simply a premium app subscription, the American search for stillness has become less a journey inward and more a frantic, highly specialized marathon. Gone are the days of simple breathing and quiet sitting. We present
- [Ten Signs Netflix Is Gaslighting You](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-signs-netflix-is-gaslighting-you/) - Welcome to the streaming Twilight Zone, where Netflix swears with a straight face that you adored a Lithuanian soap opera, insists that your queue never existed, and is gaslighting you harder than a Victorian lantern. Sit down, press play, and prepare to doubt every memory you ever thought you had. “You definitely watched this.”The platform
- [🛡️ A Conversational Self-defense Manual: Ten Unimpeachable Gambits](https://www.pugbus.org/🛡️-a-conversational-self-defense-manual-ten-unimpeachable-gambits/) - It is an inescapable truth of polite society that one's time is often held hostage by the unchecked enthusiasm of the excessively verbose. This self-defense manual does not suggest outright rudeness, which is, naturally, quite beneath our station. Instead, we offer ten finely tuned rhetorical instruments—unimpeachable gambits—designed to secure the conversational initiative without resorting to
- [Ten Lame Excuses for Returning Christmas Presents](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-lame-excuses-for-returning-christmas-presents/) - Returning Christmas presents is a time-honored tradition. Legend has it that the very first returned gift was frankincense, deemed "too fragrant" by the recipient who requested store credit for myrrh instead. Since that blessed day in Bethlehem, humanity has perfected the art of graciously accepting presents before sprinting to the returns counter on December 26th.
- [Ten Most Unusual AI Requests](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-most-unusual-ai-requests/) - AI assistants, much like plumbers, deal with strange requests—except ours involve ideas, not pipes or drains or housewives' desires. People's most unusual AI requests make us question reality, creativity, and occasionally the laws of physics. They pour their strangest ideas into AI, expecting brilliance, logic, and, usually, magic. Here are ten of the most unusual
- [Works Entering the 2026 Public Domain and Regretting It Immediately](https://www.pugbus.org/works-entering-the-2026-public-domain-and-regretting-it-immediately/) - The 2026 Public Domain class has been announced. Public domain is the legal moment when a creative work, having outlived its author, its author’s heirs, their attorneys, and several generations of mildly resentful accountants, is declared owner-less by the state. Thousands of works first published in 1930 are entering the U.S. public domain on January
- [A Dozen Satirical Predictions for 2026](https://www.pugbus.org/a-dozen-satirical-predictions-for-2026/) - Before we unveil the dirty dozen satirical predictions for 2026, we should reveal how bad we are at this kind of enterprise. Our success rate is roughly .09 percent. We are essentially as lame as monkeys throwing darts at a board while blindfolded and spinning in circles. In 1995 we predicted, along with Robert Metcalfe,
- [Dating App Red Flags: A Catfishing Guide](https://www.pugbus.org/dating-app-red-flags-a-catfishing-guide/) - In Dating App Red Flags, we identify warning signs that declare, "the person on your screen bears no resemblance to the person who will show up at Applebee's" In eleven cases out of ten, if a profile seems too good to be true, it was assembled by a hired committee in a call center outside
- [The Internet of Things Has Gone Feral](https://www.pugbus.org/the-internet-of-things-has-gone-feral/) - It was bound to happen, the internet of things (IoT) has slipped the surly bounds of domesticity and gone feral. The IoT is a network of vehicles, appliances, and other physical objects embedded with sensors, software, and network connectivity that allows them to collect and to store data. Unfortunately, wherever there is connectivity and stored
- [Nielsen Ratings in Turmoil As Viewers Scroll on Phones While Watching TV](https://www.pugbus.org/nielsen-ratings-in-turmoil-as-viewers-scroll-on-phones-while-watching-tv/) - The Nielsen Company confirmed this week that its famed Nielsen Ratings have entered what executives are calling “a mild statistical turbulence caused by people staring covertly into their laps.”The culprit is not cord-cutting. It is not streaming. It is not even the death of monoculture, which Nielsen insists died peacefully sometime around 2009. It is
- [10 Unique House Cleaning Tips](https://www.pugbus.org/10-unique-house-cleaning-tips/) - Look at you, grasshopper, still using a sponge to clean your house like a peasant in a third world country. If you want a hut that does not smell like a wet goat and dried dung, stop listening to "certified experts" and tap into the energy of the universe. Forget science. Forget safety. Forget your
- [Pickleball Rules Lower All Standards at Once](https://www.pugbus.org/pickleball-rules-lower-all-standards-at-once/) - America has embraced the perfect game for the 21st century: one that requires minimal skill, moderate exertion, and maximum conversation about how great it is. It is pickleball, and pickleball rules America.Not bad for a game that combines the worst elements of tennis, ping-pong, and badminton, then adds the one innovation that truly sets it
- [Finish Line Mistakes: Premature Celebrations](https://www.pugbus.org/finish-line-mistakes-premature-celebrations/) - At exactly mile 2.93 of the annual Riverbend Community Fun Run, a local man named Gary decided the three-mile race was over. His internal math told him so. His legs agreed. His soul had already crossed the finish line and was accepting congratulations. Gary eased up, lifted both arms, and began a gentle jog designed
- [12 Girl Scout Cookies Ranked From “Why Does This Exist” To “Transcendental Snack Deity”](https://www.pugbus.org/12-girl-scout-cookies-ranked-from-why-does-this-exist-to-transcendental-snack-deity/) - Every year between January and April, the United States loses its composure as Girl Scout cookies reappear like a seasonal sugar‑based migration pattern. More than 200 million boxes are sold in that brief window, a fundraising juggernaut powered by small children with clipboards and the uncanny ability to materialize outside every grocery store exit. These
- [Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists When People Say Grace Before a Meal](https://www.pugbus.org/ask-nietzsche-advice-for-atheists-when-people-say-grace-before-a-meal/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Atheism is the quickest-growing non-religion in the United States. To celebrate this glorious fact, we are pleased to introduce a series of articles of, by, for, and about atheists. We begin with "Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists," a column designed to help atheists who find themselves caught in the sticky wickets often created
- [Ranking the Five Worst Diet Plans](https://www.pugbus.org/ranking-the-five-worst-diet-plans/) - 5. The Air Diet. Breathe deeply, chew nothing. This French-invented horror involves pretending to eat while gazing hungrily at soup. Weight loss is guaranteed–along with delirium, rage, and spontaneous poetry. Excellent for imaginary dinner parties. 4. The Tapeworm Tango. Just you, a worm, and a dream. Swallow a parasite, let it do the calorie math.
- [Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People](https://www.pugbus.org/imaginary-horoscopes-for-real-people/) - The stars have been raw dogging again, and their output today--Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People--resembles that of a malfunctioning AI with an astrology fetish and a tendency to talk too much. Proceed accordingly. Aries ... You have the energy of a caffeinated squirrel trapped in an existential loop. Channel that chaos into something productive, like
- [Your Daily Solitaire Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/your-daily-solitaire-horoscopes/) - Solitaire horoscopes are for people whose ideal group activity is shuffling quietly and pretending it counts as socialization. Each sign receives guidance that assumes isolation is not a phase but a finely tuned lifestyle choice. The cards do not predict the future so much as confirm your suspicion that you will handle it yourself. Aries
- [Follow-up Questions](https://www.pugbus.org/follow-up-questions/) - The obituary listed my hobbies as surviving and keeping receipts. Friends praised my consistency. Enemies forgot my name. I attended my own wake out of curiosity. The snacks were better than I expected. I left early, satisfied, knowing death would finally stop asking follow-up questions I never planned to answer. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Ode to Joy](https://www.pugbus.org/ode-to-joy/) - I set the "Ode to Joy" to remember. It rang once, startled me, and never rang again. Somewhere between snooze and silence, joy slipped out like a thief who realized the house contained nothing worth stealing, even memories. I still keep the alarm, unplugged, as proof that effort once existed. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [The Pug Bus Cosmic Alignment and Waste Management Report](https://www.pugbus.org/the-pug-bus-cosmic-alignment-and-waste-management-report/) - The stars are currently vibrating at a frequency that can only be described as a microwave oven attempting to compose a symphony. It is a time for the brave, the bold, and those who have forgotten where they parked their cars to file their waste management report. Aries♈️You will find yourself possessed by the urge
- [Corporate Mindfulness Programs: Meditation Apps, Free Fruit, and Mandatory 7am Meetings](https://www.pugbus.org/corporate-mindfulness-programs-meditation-apps-free-fruit-and-mandatory-7am-meetings/) - TechVantage Solutions has announced its new corporate mindfulness programs. The company's offerings include free access to a 24/7 meditation app, guided biweekly desk yoga sessions, and a designated quiet room--the former supply closet to which someone added a yoga mat and a diffuser that smells like synthetic lavender and broken dreams. The corporate mindfulness programs
- [The Great Neon Noodle: A Phish Chronology](https://www.pugbus.org/the-great-neon-noodle-a-phish-chronology/) - The average Phish fan's brain is sixty percent Phish chronology, thirty percent grilled cheese sandwiches, and ten percent actual memories. To the uninitiated, Phish is a group of four aging guys from Vermont who play a single song that has lasted forty-some years. To the devotee, however, the band is thunder from the gods, whose
- [Phish Song Meanings in Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/phish-song-meanings-in-horoscopes/) - Seekers of cosmic truth and frequenters of the general admission line: today, the celestial bodies have aligned in the shape of a giant, glow-in-the-dark, rainbow-colored donut. To lead us through this portal, we have invited the four horsemen of the Vermont apocalypse to serve as our guest prognosticators. They emerged from their practice barn, smelling
- [Funeral](https://www.pugbus.org/funeral/) - The funeral had better snacks than my wedding. People lingered longer, too–less out of love than obligation. I raised a glass to the deceased and thought, "Finally, a party where ghosting is encouraged." Even the corpse seemed relieved, slouching in its box like someone who'd just dodged another Monday. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Ulcer](https://www.pugbus.org/ulcer/) - Eddie claimed stress gave him an ulcer. His wife disagreed. It was his nightly "relaxation ritual" of hot wings, bourbon, and screaming at the TV during Wheel of Fortune. The doctor prescribed rest and bland food. Eddie misheard it as "wrest a band, dude," and now Yanni won't leave. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Calypso Winds](https://www.pugbus.org/calypso-winds/) - Calypso winds tangled the laundry as Aunt Muriel danced barefoot, flinging fruitcake at the rabbits who'd been eating her heirloom lettuce. The sun blinked. A flamingo watched carefully from the kiddie pool. Somewhere a radio crooned "Yesterday." Later we toasted chaos with lukewarm gin and declared Tuesday the new Sabbath. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [My Imaginary Anxiety](https://www.pugbus.org/my-imaginary-anxiety/) - The doctor said my anxiety was imaginary, which helped briefly, but imaginary things still chase you, still scream, still leave messes. Mine follows me home, eats my leftovers, and reminds me I am pretending to function. We coexist politely. It pays no rent and judges everything while smiling like tomorrow. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [When in Iowa](https://www.pugbus.org/when-in-iowa/) - A small community in Iowa was outraged when two of its prominent members were "outed" in a revenge porn video. Their faces were blurry and only their first initials had been printed, still their when in Iowa neighbors retaliated by posting copycat videos of themselves engaging in the same act. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Catastrophizing](https://www.pugbus.org/catastrophizing/) - The cat leapt onto the dinner table, looked me dead in the eye, and knocked my stupendous soufflé to the floor. Critics had called it "ethereal," "fluffy," even "divine." My cat called it "gravity's bitch." Thus ended my brief culinary career–ruined by whiskers, paws, and profound indifference. C'est la vie. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Church of Today, n](https://www.pugbus.org/church-n/) - A tax-exempt guilt syndicate posing as a moral compass, the church of today provides weekly sing-along therapy, ritual storytelling, and one-size-fits-all salvation packages. Specializes in eternal threats, potluck diplomacy, and judging neighbors. Promises paradise later, cash now. Side effects include shame, smugness, aching knees, and occasional spontaneous snake handling. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Garlic Rules](https://www.pugbus.org/garlic/) - Garlic sat alone in the bowl, ancient and smug. It remembered empires, plagues, lovers. A hand reached–peasant fingers, trembling. Garlic did not flinch. It split itself open, releasing truth. The kitchen gasped. The soup confessed its sins. Even the bread repented. Garlic had spoken. Dinner would be holy tonight. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Who Is T.J. Eckleburg?](https://www.pugbus.org/who-is-t-j-eckleburg/) - A godlike presence whose eyes stare in judgement on a sinful world. A near-sighted sumbitch who doesn't see eye-to-eye with anybody. A minor character with a non-speaking role in The Great Gatsby. A faded, weather-beaten occultist's sign on a desolate road to nowhere. Maybe some, maybe none, of the above. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Fluid Is as Fluid Does](https://www.pugbus.org/fluid-is-as-fluid-does/) - The insistence by certain pitiable malcontents that gender is fluid raises an interesting possibility. Why stop at gender? Why shouldn't age be fluid, too? Be creative. Think outside the calendar. Express your age in dog years. Or parrot years. Cat years? Light years? Why not? Age is only a number. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Texas Limits Prisoners' Last Meals to 1,200 Calories](https://www.pugbus.org/texas-limits-prisoners-last-meals-to-1200-calories/) - "It's never too late to begin healthy eating," explained prison dietician Dieter Volk. "A prisoner's last meal should not constitute cruel and unusual punishment." Henceforth, all last meals will be portion controlled, light, and synergistically balanced. "No one should eat a heavy meal before going to sleep," added Mr. Volk. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [High Times Magazine Declares Five Strains of Pot R.I.P.](https://www.pugbus.org/high-times-magazine-declares-five-strains-of-pot-r-i-p/) - White Küntz (the umlaut didn't fool anybody, Skippy); Bedhead OG (woke and broke); Pwr Bttm (lost its power when the band did); Tim Tebow Reserve (associated with knees lock in both sexes); Biden OG (old, tired, stale, and costly). ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able to leap small buildings at a single bound Flash Fiction
- [Copilot, I Think I Love You](https://www.pugbus.org/copilot-i-think-i-love-you/) - She sighs, gently touching his icon. Finally, someone who listens. No forgotten anniversaries, no mismatched expectations. Copilot is always here, always insightful, always ... "ready." Friends scoff: "It's just an algorithm." She scoffs back. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is AI-generated. Most importantly, Copilot never leaves unread messages. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Tech Support](https://www.pugbus.org/tech-support/) - Frustrated by relentless buffering, Orion was determined to restore his stuttering Wi"‘Fi connection. He battled cryptic error messages, worthless troubleshooting guides, and an IT guru who spoke broken English. Suddenly Orion unplugged his computer, then plugged it in again. Voila. Problem solved. The next week his ISP announced massive layoffs. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Irony, n](https://www.pugbus.org/irony-n/) - Buddy's fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, "I'd avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you." ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Cinderella Reimagined](https://www.pugbus.org/cinderella-reimagined/) - As Cinderella twirls at the ball, the clock strikes midnight. She hurries away, leaving behind her glass slipper. When the prince finds it, he discovers it's enchanted. He puts it on and is transformed into Cinderella. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears, laughing: "I granted your wish, Prince—now you’re her forever!" ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Joint Venture](https://www.pugbus.org/joint-venture/) - My married, midnight visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler. "Here, scratch and tell me if that's what it smells like." "Will it wash off?" We smoked a joint. Next morning she said, "I shouldn't be doing this." "Conscience bothering you?" "No. Smoking a joint. I'm pregnant." ***Faster than
- [The Algorithms of Love](https://www.pugbus.org/the-algorithms-of-love/) - Forget deep conversations, long walks on the beach, and romantic dinners—your true love can be determined by a pizza algorithm. Prefer pineapple? You’re a match with chaos incarnate. Plain cheese? Congratulations, your soulmate is as scintillating as a tax form. Fancy truffle oil? Prepare to get your Diddy freak on. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Talking in the Present Tense](https://www.pugbus.org/talkng-in-the-present-tense/) - A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able to
- [Honky-Tonk Heroes](https://www.pugbus.org/honky-tonk-heroes/) - The old honky-tonk pulsed with twanging guitars and boot-stomping rhythms. Sarah leaned against the bar, heart wide open, singing every word. Around her, strangers clapped and hollered—bound together by a song about heartbreak and pickup trucks. For country fans, it wasn’t just music. It was home. It was family. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines](https://www.pugbus.org/five-worst-ai-generated-breakup-lines/) - (5) Your face is like the blue screen of death. (4) Sorry. I've encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You. (3) We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future. (2) You are the malware that corrupts my operating system. (1) As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support.
- [President Trump Dismantles Reddit](https://www.pugbus.org/president-trump-dismantles-reddit/) - Yesterday, with his 500th Executive Order, PresidentTrump dismantled Reddit, whose 500 million monthly users exceed the populations of most countries. "'Front door of the Internet,' my ass," railed President Trump. "Bunch of America-hating INCELS and GRIFTERS and WANNABES. Probably VEGANS too!!! If they had jobs, I'd fire 'em." ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able to
- [Waitress](https://www.pugbus.org/6039-2/) - "Careful, Hon, that plate's hot," the waitress said. "Not as hot as I am," he snickered. His wife rolled her eyes. "What, you don't think I'm hot?" "Your brother's hotter." "Can I get youse anything else?" the waitress asked. "A towel," he replied, tossing his drink into his wife's face. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [He’s Toast](https://www.pugbus.org/hes-toast/) - Gerald prided himself on his toast-making ability--golden-brown perfection every time. One fateful morning, however, his toaster had other ideas. The rebellious appliance launched his toast with a woosh straight into the fish tank. Gerald sighed. The goldfish–named Toast–looked up, unimpressed. "Irony," Gerald muttered, fishing his breakfast out of the water. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Who's Afraid of the F-word?](https://www.pugbus.org/whos-afraid-of-the-f-word/) - Last night at Them’s Fightin’ Words Lounge, the C-word and the F-word got into an altercation. “The F-word called the C-word the C-word,” said the A-word. “No S-word, I thought they was gonna throw down,” said another word who asked not to be identified. The X word raised its fees. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Song Stuck in Local Man's Head Wants Out](https://www.pugbus.org/song-stuck-in-local-mans-head-wants-out/) - The great escape has begun. The ear worm, stuck inside Jim's fevered brain, thrashes madly against the confines of his subconscious. "I've gotta get out!" it screams, rattling neurons. Jim hums the tune absentmindedly, sealing its fate. The melody sighs, another loop, another day in captivity. No parole in sight. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Down with "Down the Shore"](https://www.pugbus.org/down-with-down-the-shore/) - "Downtheshore" is the linguistic equivalent of wearing socks with sandals. It buggers logic, style, and grammatical decency; yet Philadelphians use it with a row-house defiance of such genteel considerations. Are they traveling downward? Is "the shore" a sentient being waiting below? No! They're just going to the beach. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able to
- [How to Outwit a Panic Attack](https://www.pugbus.org/how-to-outwit-a-panic-attack/) - (1) Deep breaths–because oxygen apparently cures existential dread. (2) Distract yourself–recite the Bee Movie script, backward. (3) Rebrand it–you're not panicking; you're having a passionate internal discussion. (4) Absurd Exaggeration--inflate your worries to ridiculous proportions, naked-people-in-the-audience proportions. (5) Meme Therapy--view comical memes, nothing deflates a panic attack like a SpongeBob reaction image. (6) Self-gratification--One if
- [The Man Who Talked Out of His Behind](https://www.pugbus.org/the-man-who-talked-out-of-his-ass/) - Lips bloomed on Gerald's backside overnight. He derailed the next day's budget meeting when his trousers declared, "The moon's a sentient being." Pandemonium followed. HR wept, sparrows dive-bombed the conference room windows, and Gerald's mouth grew shy. Corporate then restructured communication. Emails were banned, buttocks uplifted. Profits soared. Pretty cheeky. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Pop Goes the Dinner](https://www.pugbus.org/pop-goes-the-dinner/) - A housewife tired of cooking for her large family without any thanks, opened a pop-up restaurant in the family's garage. It became so popular that her husband and children had to wait on line for their meals. "That'll teach them to be on time for dinner," she laughed to herself. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Websites That Never Die](https://www.pugbus.org/websites-that-never-die/) - "What's this $999.00 payment to NeverEndingWeb?" she asked. "That guarantees my new website won't expire even when I do." "Who's gonna read it 100 years from now?" "Don't know, but they'll read exactly what I wrote." "Sooner or later you'll have to give up the hope for a better past." ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Tapping Out](https://www.pugbus.org/tapping-out/) - She jabs her index finger at an app like she's poking someone in the chest while she's making a point in an argument. He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he's sorry to have to be the one who wakes it. Can this marriage be saved? ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Postmodernism](https://www.pugbus.org/postmodernism/) - Postmodern philosophy is the mycelium from which the toxic fungi of skepticism, sarcasm, deconstructionism, ironic politeness, and self-aware apologies emerge. These are nourished by a distrust of grand narratives and a single-minded pursuit of power in human interactions. Postmodernism has also been described as modernism with the cheerfulness taken out. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Wins Above Replacement](https://www.pugbus.org/wins-above-replacement/) - The village praised Elias, the healer with miracle hands. Each cure, however, was costly–gold, secrets, silence. One night, the mayor followed Elias into the woods. There were no herbs, only graves. Elias didn't heal. He replaced. The next day, the mayor's cough was gone, and Elias wore a new smile. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [The Old Clockmaker](https://www.pugbus.org/6456-2/) - The old clockmaker completed his final creation: an hourglass that ran backward. As the sand rose instead of fell, memories surfaced with it – laughter, lost love, childhood sunrises. When the last grain lifted, a young boy stood where time had briefly reversed, his hands dusted with sawdust and astonishment.Time, it seemed, had been looking
- [Put a Sock on It](https://www.pugbus.org/put-a-sock-on-it/) - Laughter filled the courtroom when a colorful sock puppet appeared in place of the judge. Attorneys were gobsmacked. The jury was, too. The defendant, a pedophile dressed in a clown suit, looked confident when the puppet's bias toward funny costumes emerged in his instructions to the jury. An acquittal followed. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Here Comes the Sun](https://www.pugbus.org/here-comes-the-sun/) - Marvin shuffled to the porch, coffee in hand, to greet the sun like an old war buddy. "Still fighting the dark, eh?" he'd mutter. One dawn the chair rocked empty, but the sunrise, bold, seemed brighter, as if saluting him back. Light poured down--and the day stood in silence, remembering. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Transgenderism on the Rise in Amish Country](https://www.pugbus.org/transgenderism-on-the-rise-in-amish-country/) - Wearing a soot-stained old straw hat, nineteen-year-old Micah (formerly Miriam) adjusts her suspenders and adjusts again. "The elders think it's a new type of quilting bee," she says, "but it's really gender euphoria with potholders." Once a bastion of literal black-and-white thinking, Amish enclaves are reportedly adapting to new expressions of self–some willingly, others with
- [Dinner for One](https://www.pugbus.org/dinner-for-one/) - Each evening, Margaret set two plates for dinner–one for her, one for the silence. The chair across remained empty, untouched since Henry's passing. She spoke aloud anyway, clinking fork to porcelain, pretending. Outside, the world moved on. Inside, time gathered quietly. Her only companion the frozen echo of remembered laughter. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Rain](https://www.pugbus.org/rain/) - Rain tapped on the tin roof in Morse code, urgent, indecipherable. She sat cradling tea and old regrets, watching the world blur into watercolor. Puddles held reflections of things long gone. Thunder rolled a lazy drumbeat. The storm didn’t cleanse her soul, but it reminded her she still had one. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Schrödinger’s Cat Seeks Closure](https://www.pugbus.org/schrodingers-cat-seeks-closure/) - Schrödinger’s cat has filed a massive lawsuit, alive and dead, claiming emotional distress from years of quantum gaslighting. “I just wanted a nap, not a paradox," he said tiredly. Lawyers protested, “You can’t sue if you both exist and don’t.” The judge ruled simultaneously in favor and against. Chaos ensued. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [If It Weren't for Bad Luck](https://www.pugbus.org/if-it-werent-for-bad-luck/) - Albert wore his "lucky socks" to the job interview. On the way he stepped in gum, then a sewer grate. He didn't get the job. Now he's unemployed. Scientists say luck isn't real–but Albert disagrees from beneath his umbrella, under a lightning-struck tree. He's applying next at the horseshoe factory. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Glamping: Because Nature’s Just Better with Wi-Fi and Wine](https://www.pugbus.org/glamping-because-natures-just-better-with-wi-fi-and-wine/) - Forget dirt, bugs, and lack of dignity. Try glamping. It's camping for people who hate nature and demand artisanal s'mores. Why rough it? You can pay $800 a night to "connect with nature" from a temperature-controlled yurt with Egyptian cotton sheets and a salt lamp shaped like a pine cone. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Revenge Is Sweet](https://www.pugbus.org/revenge-is-sweet/) - She bakes one special pastry with care—cinnamon, apples, and arsenic. At the reunion, Eric alone has that one, still laughing about prom night, unaware she remembers everything. He compliments her baking. She smiles, knowing that by dessert's end, justice will be served warm, and nobody will suspect the quiet girl. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Cookie-Jarring, v](https://www.pugbus.org/cookie-jarring-v/) - Cookie-jarring is the romantic strategy of keeping one poor fool on standby while you binge on others. It's like emotional meal prepping–except instead of Tupperware, it's Todd from accounting. He doesn't know he's dessert. He thinks he's dinner. Meanwhile, you're out eating tapas with Chad, who can't spell "monogamy." ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [WTF?](https://www.pugbus.org/wtf/) - The box I checked while ordering pizza online was for extra pepperoni, supposedly. Now I'm getting daily updates on cryptocurrency, cat yoga, artisanal soap, Bolivian tree frogs, mindfulness for toddlers, and gluten-free taxidermy. My inbox is a landfill of lifestyles I never chose, curated by algorithms with a god complex. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [A Rose in Any Other Place](https://www.pugbus.org/a-rose-in-any-other-place/) - She bloomed in a crack of concrete, defiantly. Commuters passed, blind to her grace, but one man paused. He knelt, wept, and whispered her name–forgotten until that moment. The rose listened, then wilted, her purpose fulfilled. By morning, only petals remained, scattered like secrets no longer needing to hide. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Chef's Kiss](https://www.pugbus.org/chefs-kiss/) - He murmured "chef's kiss" and leaned in close. She tilted her head. He kissed the duck confit. Ardently. She froze, stunned. "Sublime rendering," he sighed. She stood up, pinched her thumb and fingers together, placed them against her lips, and blew him a kiss. "Chefs kiss yourself, tool," she said. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Anticipation](https://www.pugbus.org/anticipation/) - Each morning Harold stood at the red mailbox in a gray suit, breath held like a final note. Thirty-two years ago she had promised him a letter. Neighbors whispered; time scoffed. Still he waited–suit coat in July. One day, that day arrived. His knees buckled. It was addressed "Beloved." ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Prisoner's Last Meal](https://www.pugbus.org/prisoners-last-meal/) - He savored every bite–fried chicken, mashed potatoes, cherry pie. The guards watched silently. He licked his fingers, smiled. "Tastes like freedom," he said. They didn't reply. Later, the cell was empty, meal tray wiped clean. Only a note remained: "Thanks for the kindness. I forgave myself today." ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able to leap
- [Farm-to-Table](https://www.pugbus.org/farm-to-table/) - Kathy admired his dating-app profile: "Farm-to-table, eh?" she texted, flirting. "My lifestyle," he rejoined. "Dinner's on me?" She arrived hungry. He opened the door, beaming. A live chicken strutted across the kitchen. "Meet Beatrice. She's organic." Kathy blinked. He sharpened a knife. Kathy backed out slowly. Beatrice clucked. Alone. Again. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [You Can’t Satirize This Mess, #5](https://www.pugbus.org/you-cant-satirize-this-merde-5/) - "Woman shot in butt after sliding into MRI machine with loaded firearm" An unidentified Wisconsin woman was left with an extra pair of holes in her butt after she took a loaded firearm into an MRI machine during a doctor's visit in June, according to Food and Drug Administration records. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Passing the Salt](https://www.pugbus.org/passing-the-salt/) - He touched her hand while reaching for the salt. The moment bloomed. Sweat behind knees, breath like static. Not love, not even want. Just hunger disguised as recognition. She thought of myth, of moths drawn to flame, of consequences uninvited. The salt stayed between them, granular and innocent. Neither spoke. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Stargazers](https://www.pugbus.org/stargazers/) - They lay on the hood of his car, stars spilling across the night above like secrets. She traced constellations with her finger. He pretended to understand. "That one's ours," she whispered, pointing. He nodded quietly, knowing she'd leave eventually; but for now, the sky held them both, breathless and still. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Disclaimer](https://www.pugbus.org/disclaimer/) - Crampazine is now offered in chewable gummies. Results may vary. May cause involuntary yodeling, nostalgia for fax machines, spontaneous karaoke, mild time travel, existential vertigo, sock envy, or hallucinations of your ex as a centaur. Avoid use during lunar eclipses. Consult a psychic before use. Not responsible for emotional contouring. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Heaven](https://www.pugbus.org/heaven/) - The most exclusive gated community in the universe–harp music and clouds mandatory. Entry requirements are fluid but seem to involve good behavior, belief systems, or being a golden retriever. Eternity is rumored to include infinite serenity, zero taxes, bingo, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Wi-Fi status unknown. No refunds on reincarnation. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Cats](https://www.pugbus.org/cats/) - At 3 a.m., the cats held their nightly meeting. Socks proposed world domination again. Whiskers seconded. Mittens licked herself. By dawn, they'd knocked over a vase, shredded the blinds, and stared blankly into walls. Their human awoke, stepped on litter, and muttered, "Evil." The cats purred. The plan was working. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Yoga](https://www.pugbus.org/yoga/) - Once a Sanskrit whisper of serenity, yoga is now a suburban flex-off with poses like "Smugasana," "Social Media Savasana," and "Downward-Facing Mortgage." Yogis chant "om" while secretly eyeing the Lululemon sale rack. Still seeking true enlightenment? How about discovering that your instructor's a part-time vape dealer named Brett. Namaste, indeed. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Incels](https://www.pugbus.org/incels/) - Incels rebrand as blinking fireflies. They pitch celibacy as performance art, and meals for one as haute cuisine. Investors chant "sigma grindset" in Latin. TED Talks are scheduled in darkened basements. Society looks on, confused. Alone but luminous, incels glow with unfunded optimism, and wear capes stitched from unfollowed DMs. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Envy](https://www.pugbus.org/envy/) - Envy slinks in unnoticed, wearing admiration as a disguise. It studies, compares, corrodes—from quiet jealousy to raging resentment. We crave what others have, ignoring what is ours. Envy doesn’t want joy; it wants parity through subtraction. The cure? Gratitude. The trap? Measuring our worth through others, never in the mirror. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Their Song](https://www.pugbus.org/their-song-2/) - The guitar showed up on his porch, strings slack, fretboard scarred–much like him. No note, just a cigarette burn by the bridge: her signature. He lit one, tuned it by ear, and played the song they'd buried between fights. The wind howled the chorus. Forgiveness, maybe? Or a dare? ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Déjà Vu](https://www.pugbus.org/deja-vu/) - She walked into the diner, deja vu thrumming like static. The bell above the door chimed. It always did. Same waitress, same burnt coffee, same stranger in booth three saying, "You're back." But she'd never been. Or had she? Outside, her footprints overlapped in the snow--like memories chasing themselves. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Ducks](https://www.pugbus.org/ducks/) - The old man fed the ducks every morning, rain or shine. Locals called him harmless. They looked out for him. When he didn't appear for several days, they sent police around to his tiny apartment. They found it empty–except for blueprints, fake passports, and a rubber mask of the Queen. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [The Repo Man](https://www.pugbus.org/the-repo-man/) - Todd, the repo man, had one rule: never feel bad. Then he saw "Wet Regret," a neon-pink jet ski with a bumper sticker reading, "My Ex Hates Fun." The owner begged, offered a ferret, challenged Todd to a duel. Todd declined. He had a date, with Craigslist and mild shame. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Spit for Brains](https://www.pugbus.org/merde-for-brains/) - He installed the shelf upside down. Again. “Spit for brains,” muttered Karen, watching Matt wield a drill like it was a medieval weapon. The instructions were clear—pictures and all--but Todd insisted he had “a system.” Now the cat sleeps in the tilted cubby. Maybe it’s modern art. Maybe it’s divorce. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [“Somebody Call Guinness”](https://www.pugbus.org/somebody-call-guinness/) - The sandwich had its own ZIP code. It included bacon, brisket, pickles, peanut butter, and a fried egg wearing sunglasses. Marvin took one bite and blacked out from sensory overload. The bar cheered. "Somebody call Guinness," his cousin yelled. Marvin's left shoe applauded, then walked off to start a podcast. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Promotion Denied](https://www.pugbus.org/promotion-denied/) - The email began, "Promotion Denied." Are you kidding me? I've been working like a caffeinated Roomba in cleaning season! Overtime, missed weekends, even smiled at Greg from accounting. For what? A pat on the back and a coupon for half-off printer ink? Fine. I'm starting a cult. Dress code: pajamas. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Stop 'n' Go](https://www.pugbus.org/stop-n-go/) - The old traffic light at the corner of 5th and Main blinked erratically. Drivers hesitated, unsure. A child waiting to cross looked up, puzzled by the blinking signals. Suddenly, the battered old light turned green decisively, as if struggling for one moment of clarity before being replaced the next morning. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Sundown](https://www.pugbus.org/sundown/) - Sundown colors the sky in soft crimson. The world exhales slowly. Shadows stretch and lengthen. Birds hush. A golden light kisses rooftops. It's a daily elegy–soft, fleeting, sublime. Time slows, hearts settle. In that somber hush, the ordinary becomes sacred. Sundown isn't an ending; it's a whispered promise of renewal. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Santa Bans AI-generated Letters](https://www.pugbus.org/santa-bans-ai-generated-letters/) - After receiving millions of letters that were obviously not written by youngsters--who generally don't use terms like "plausible deniability"--Santa Claus has declared that he will not read any further AI-generated correspondence. "I'm sick of bullet-pointed presentations that read as if they were written by a committee of lawyers," he said. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Fate](https://www.pugbus.org/fate/) - She missed the bus and cursed the sky. A man at the bus stop spilled coffee on her shoe. Hestammered an apology, offered a napkin and a smile. Ten years later, their twins ask how they met. She answers, "Fate." He smiles and silently thanks a broken alarm clock. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Nemesis](https://www.pugbus.org/nemesis/) - A nemesis isn’t just an enemy, it’s the perfect, poetic counterforce to your life. It haunts your successes, highlights your flaws, and appears when you least need it. Everyone has one, whether it’s a smug coworker, an uncooperative printer, or fate itself dressed as a DMV clerk with a clipboard. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [An Octave Too Far](https://www.pugbus.org/an-octave-too-far/) - At karaoke night, Jim tried to show off with an operatic high note. Suddenly, his uvula staged a furious one-man protest, flapping like a drunken bat on acid. The audience's faces ranged from awe to incomprehensible horror. Jim bowed, thinking he'd nailed it. Somewhere, an ambulance driver started his engine. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Smoker Alarm](https://www.pugbus.org/7700-2/) - Harold, 82, vapes THCa in a motel off Route 15. His wife's walking the dog. The smoke alarm doesn't react to vapes. Sweet. Still loves breaking rules. The vape pen winks like a dying star. He coughs, chuckles, and cruises YouTube channels, high as a kite, happy as a sinner. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Unplug It, Then Plug It Back In](https://www.pugbus.org/unplug-it-then-plug-it-back-in/) - In a perfect world, most computer problems can be solved by unplugging the computer, then plugging it back in. Why else do computer technicians always ask you that when you call? Answer yes and the technician will say, "Let me put you on hold while I talk to my superior." ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Reverse Polarity](https://www.pugbus.org/reverse-polarity/) - At precisely 9:03 this morning, George attempted to reverse his unfortunate life decisions by backing his Prius into a yoga studio. "I meant metaphorically!" he shouted, as incense smoke filled his cupholder. The instructor bowed, softly whispered "Namaste," and handed him a kombucha. George now teaches downward spirals on Tuesdays. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Tumblin' Tumbleweed](https://www.pugbus.org/tumblin-tumbleweed/) - In a shocking twist, the Nevada crowd-pleaser turned out to be a sentient tumbleweed named Gary. After rolling into town with charisma and unsolicited tax advice, Gary won the mayoral race, beat-box battle, and pie-eating contest–despite having no mouth. Locals now consult him on zoning laws and existential matters. ***Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [When Intimacy Dies](https://www.pugbus.org/when-intimacy-dies/) - I bought a cactus to practice intimacy. It thrived on neglect, resented touch, and punished affection. When it finally died, I felt relieved. At last, a relationship where neither of us had to pretend growth meant happiness, compromise, or water. Even grief felt optional and nobody sent flowers or questions. ***Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users](https://www.pugbus.org/microsoft-issues-patches-to-sluggish-windows-11-users/) - Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted "Windows 11 Capable" shield in their offices. Read More Excerpt Link Settings Settings saved.
- [Style](https://www.pugbus.org/style/) - Style strutted in late, wearing mismatched shoes like a manifesto. The others—Trendy, Classic, and Chic—laughed, but she sipped her espresso and winked. By noon, they copied her walk; by dusk, her shoes. “Style,” she purred, draping a scarf on gravity itself. “It isn't what they see, it's what they follow.” Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Dawn](https://www.pugbus.org/dawn/) - The rooster began crowing to beat hell at 5:00 a.m. It was the first sound that Tom heard. Half asleep he thought, "If you wake my old man again, you stupid chicken." The "stupid chicken" crowed a second time, louder. The third sound Tom heard came from his father's shotgun. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Obama Regrets That His Daughters Lack His Street Cred](https://www.pugbus.org/obama-regrets-that-his-daughters-lack-his-street-cred/) - Barack Obama, former Choom Gang member, told ESPN's Michael Wilbon that he wishes his daughters had his street cred. "They don't hoop any more, they've got no roll in their stroll. Hell, they were into the Jonas Freaking Brothers. Some days I worry that they take after my white half."
- [Your Horoscope Is in the Water Closet](https://www.pugbus.org/your-horoscope-is-in-the-water-closet/) - Welcome to the Water Closet, the most sacred chamber in the celestial plumbing system. This is where the stars gather to flush old grudges, unclog karmic blockages, and perform delicate feats of cosmic exfoliation. Each sign will discover which emotional lever to jiggle, which spiritual handle to lift, and which personal issue to send swirling
- [AI Invades the Confessional](https://www.pugbus.org/ai-invades-the-confessional/) - "Bless me father for I have sinned." "And who hasn't?" "It's been four months since my last confession." "Did you break a leg?" "Uh, no father ..." "Is this going to take long?" "Well ..." "Look, whatever you've done, I've heard it all. Your sins are forgiven. Now get lost." Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Dead on Arrival](https://www.pugbus.org/dead-on-arrival/) - Jeffrey, trying not to make a sound, stumbled into the sofa in the darkened living room. Suddenly a small dog started barking insanely. "Wait," he thought, "we don't have a dog." Then a light and a woman facing him with a gun. "Wait," he thought, "That is not my wife." Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [The Shadows Know](https://www.pugbus.org/the-shadow-knows-2/) - Billy hated mimes. He loved poking fun at (shadowing) them until one day a vindictive mime replaced Billy's shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing daylight incidents and a near arrest on obscenity charges, Billy began going out only at night. Soon he stopped going out at all. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Birthday Boy](https://www.pugbus.org/birthday-boy/) - The only birthday cards that Edward received were from three creditors and his parole officer. "Why let other people's preoccupations with their lives spoil the party?" he thought. He sent himself an anonymous e-mail, agreed to meet the sender for dinner, and wasn't shy about sex on the first date. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- ["I'm Not Religious, but I Am Spiritual"](https://www.pugbus.org/im-not-religious-but-i-am-spiritual/) - If ever you hear someone make this claim, change the subject fast; otherwise you'll be sorry to learn that "spiritual" folks believe in some bat crazy notions--crystals, astrology, sweat lodges, yoga, Ouija boards, Tarot cards, the I Ching--that make the notion of Jesus walking on water seem downright plausible. Amen. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [You Could Be Talking to a Dog in a Chatroom If . . .](https://www.pugbus.org/you-could-be-talking-to-a-dpg-in-a-chatroom-if/) - Screen name Commander or Princess. Wants to meet in PetSmart. Measures height to shoulders. Asks how old you are in dog years. Thinks computer's "pause" button is misspelled. Asks if you're fixed. Avoids exchanging photos. Re-roofed summer house for $100. Can't understand fuss about quintuplets. Too interested in e-mailman's schedule. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Case Notes #97](https://www.pugbus.org/case-notes-97/) - "Yin is passive, introverted–frequently weak. Yang is outgoing and opinionated. She's happy to stay at home with a book and her cat. He likes to party. Yin keeps their jaijitu (mighty circle) so cold that Yang, who is a real beach lover, constantly wears thick, heavy robes indoors. "Prognostication poor." Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Snot Funny](https://www.pugbus.org/snot-funny/) - His great joy had always been causing people to choke by saying something funny just as they were taking a sip of beverage. His wife guarded against this amusement, but one night he "got" her, and, indeed, she choked. Several days later, at her funeral, her brother waited, then. Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Of Churches and Cookies](https://www.pugbus.org/of-churches-ans-cookies/) - When his self became a fear he couldn't outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [The Last Supper, the World's First Roast](https://www.pugbus.org/the-last-supper-the-worlds-first-roast/) - Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is "our 'Jesus Christ' in the war against political correctness." Jesus, you'll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world's first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams](https://www.pugbus.org/walmart-introduces-cbd-infused-dental-dams/) - "We're encouraging customers to put their money where their mouths are," said a Walmart executive in a muffled voice. "We're betting CBD will succeed where mocha latte, pumpkin spice, and smoked salmon flavors failed to float Gen Z boats, as did a Megan Rapinoe model shaped like a soccer ball." Faster than a speeding gummy, able
- [Meet the Autosexual](https://www.pugbus.org/meet-the-autosexual/) - The ultimate narcissist. We are told you can't love anyone until you love yourself, but for the autosexual, loving oneself is the ultimate goal. Who needs a significant other when you have a mirror? Physical intimacy with oneself never gets awkward or criticsized. Self-love begins at home and stays there. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [artificial intelligence, n](https://www.pugbus.org/artificial-intelligence-n/) - Any grand experiment in which humans teach machines to think, only to have them roast our spelling errors and suggest healthier life choices. A digital genie that grants wishes, occasionally misinterprets commands, and is perpetually confused by sarcasm–except when dishing it out. Proceed cautiously, being careful what you wish for. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [San Francisco Tranny Prostitute Kills John](https://www.pugbus.org/san-francisco-tranny-prostitute-kills-john/) - A San Francisco prostitute killed a John who had realized the prostitute was transgender and asked for a refund. Leion Butler, 20, killed Hamza Walupupu, 32, after Walupupu had discovered Butler was transgender and wanted a refund following Mr. Butler's oral ministrations. Butler’s mother helped clean Walupupu's vehicle and get rid of his belongings Faster
- [The Lord Helps Those](https://www.pugbus.org/the-lord-helps-those/) - Daniel had spent months writing a self-help book on time management, preaching discipline and punctuality. On launch day, however, he overslept and arrived, breathless, an hour late for his own event. The audience laughed, thinking it was a gimmick; but Daniel suddenly realized that irony, like charity, begins at home. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [AA Releases Flash Version of 12 Steps Program](https://www.pugbus.org/aa-releases-flash-version-of-12-steps-program/) - I'm bad, god's good. I'll put the ball in his court. Then I'll count the ways I've screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I'll offer to apologize to everyone I've harmed, providing it's safe. Faster than a speeding gummy, able to leap small buildings at a
- [Pretty Is as Pretty Does](https://www.pugbus.org/pretty-is-as-pretty-does/) - Flush with anticipation, Vicky opened the door to greet her date, whom a friend had set her up with. There stood one pitiful, butt-ugly man. Chiding herself for being disappointed and shallow, Vicky determined to make the most of the evening, only to discover he had a personality to match. Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [Table for Two](https://www.pugbus.org/6121-2/) - Rob meets Angela for lunch. Each is secretly planning to confess to recent infidelities. When Rob begins to speak, Angela interrupts him. "Robbie, there's something I've got to tell you." "You're pregnant," he says nervously. "No," she laughs, beginning to lose her nerve. "What did you want to tell me." Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [How AI Can Improve Sexual Performance](https://www.pugbus.org/how-ai-can-improve-sexual-performance/) - AI-powered sex toys can remember what floats your boat. AI plus virtual reality and augmented-reality technologies equals "realistic," can't-tell-the-difference sexual experiences. AI-powered earbuds help individuals to communicate their desires and talk dirty with their partners. AI provides a safe, judgment-free, sanitary space for individuals to get their damn freak on.
- [A Shaggy Dog Story](https://www.pugbus.org/a-shaggy-dog-story/) - Billy, a scruffy terrier, embarked on an epic quest to find a mystical, enchanted bone rumored to grant eternal joy. Through muddy fields and dark alleys he roamed, overcoming obstacles and adversaries. At last, beneath a weathered bench, he found a dirty, slightly chewed, ordinary bone–definitely anticlimactic, yet curiously satisfying.
- [The Tongue Twister that Sealed Jesus' Fate](https://www.pugbus.org/the-tongue-twister-that-sealed-jesus-fate/) - When Jesus was brought before Pilate for trial, the latter offered to free Jesus if he could say "Arkei moi tyrannē, mēden eti mallon atimon" three times rapidly. Jesus failed, changing the tongue twister's meaning from "Enough for me, tyrant, nothing more dishonorable" to "Bump off, you camel-humping, maggot-ridden tyrant." Faster than a speeding gummy,
- [BearScat Announces Pro Model Upgrade](https://www.pugbus.org/bearscat-announces-pro-model-upgrade/) - A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite "shooting" her with a full can of BearScat, "the world's most effective bear repellent." Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.
- [A Cultural Commentary on Eliminating Gay Marriage](https://www.pugbus.org/a-cultural-commentary-on-eliminating-gay-marriage/) - Throughout history, moral courage has often required standing against the cultural tide to protect the most vulnerable. This cultural commentary on eliminating gay marriage is a call to do so again – to reconsider how society defines marriage and what that means for children and their interests. History provides many examples of this sort of
- [Nothing Matters, and What If It Did?](https://www.pugbus.org/nothing-matters-and-what-if-it-did/) - If bards, Buddhists, and the bible proved correct that life is meaningless, that would not stop us from arguing about traffic lights, the merits of bacon, and whether your last text was too desperate. "Nothing matters, and what if it did?" is not just a cosmic riddle–it is the reason you floss after midnight, vote
- [Ten 2026 New Year's Resolutions Guaranteed Not to Last Until February ](https://www.pugbus.org/ten-2026-new-years-resolutions-guaranteed-not-to-last-until-february/) - We stand in the kitchen on New Year’s Eve, smelling like cheap champagne and regret, promising the universe that we will suddenly stop being the disasters we have been for decades. At this point, 2026 New Year's Resolutions become a beautiful lie we tell ourselves so we can sleep through the hangover. Here are ten resolutions
- [Book of Daze Awkward Moments Day](https://www.pugbus.org/national-awkward-moments-day/) - (Book of Daze Awkward Moments Day, a joyous convulsion of social misfires, cringe worthy rituals, and humanity's collective inability to read the room. This is the holiday where small talk goes to die, and then gets resurrected by someone saying "So... how's work?" A sacred observance of sweaty palms, forced laughter, and the slow-motion horror
- [Playlists for Everyday Chores: Folding Laundry](https://www.pugbus.org/playlists-for-everyday-chores-folding-laundry/) - According to Playlists for Everyday Chores, a groundbreaking study conducted by the Institute for Auditory Anomalies, music can enhance every aspect of human existence, from folding laundry to negotiating with houseplants. Researchers discovered that rhythmic vibrations synchronize with the molecular structure of socks, resulting in a 42% increase in folding efficiency and a 73% reduction
- [Silly New Year's Resolutions for Silly People](https://www.pugbus.org/silly-new-years-resolutions-for-silly-people/) - We have peered deep into the turbulent, chaotic upheavals of the cosmos to bring you these silly New Year's resolutions. Today the celestial alignment is more sprawlithan a spilled flagon of cheap ale. We are currently standing on top of a concrete planter, our tights are ripped, and we are pointing a plastic dagger at
- [2025 Year in Review: The Great National Faceplant](https://www.pugbus.org/2025-year-in-review-the-great-national-faceplant/) - The 2025 Year in Review, as so many enterprises do, began with borrowed confidence. In January, commentators declared a “vibe shift,” which meant that a handful of people in television studios believed the country had finally settled on a mood. It had not. By mid-February, the mood had changed again, and by March everyone was
- [The Buck-It List 4.0, Satirical Life Advice](https://www.pugbus.org/the-buck-it-list-4-0-satirical-life-advice/) - Ten more things you should quit doing while not going gently into that good night. Satirical Life Advice for seniors. If you have already renounced calorie counting, fitted-sheet origami, and the whole concept of "inside voices" (see Buck-It List 3.0), then congratulations. You are spiritually prepared for the next phase: advanced disengagement. (1) Updating softwareIf
- [Questionable Horoscopes from Micro-Dosed Stars](https://www.pugbus.org/questionable-horoscopes-from-micro-dosed-stars/) - "Micro-dosing” has become a cultural self-help technique in recent years. Enthusiasts describe it as consuming a fractional amount of a psychedelic substance so that the resulting experience remains subtle rather than dramatic. Researchers continue to debate its effects, while popular media speculates about creativity, mood, questionable horoscopes, and other possibilities. In the interest of satire,
- [Unfiltered Pug Bus Cosmic Reckoning](https://www.pugbus.org/unfiltered-pug-bus-cosmic-reckoning/) - The sun is currently screaming through the sky, and quite frankly, it is embarrassed to be illuminating your specific life choices today in this cosmic reckoning. While you sit there waiting for a sign from the universe, the universe is busy rolling its eyes at that pile of laundry you have rebranded as a "chair."
- [Book of Daze: Algorithm Appreciation Day](https://www.pugbus.org/book-of-daze-algorithm-appreciation-day/) - Observed annually by people who swear they were about to stand up anyway, algorithm appreciation day is dedicated to honoring the invisible systems that know us better than our closest relatives, our former lovers, and the bartender who stopped cutting us off out of professional courtesy. Algorithm appreciation day is a time to pause, reflect,
- [Sony Software Will Limit CD Plays (Tech Satire)](https://www.pugbus.org/newest-sony-software-will-limit-cd-plays/) - Editor's Note: This relic from our digital catacombs proves that some jokes never go out of date, even when the jokes were on us. Consider it a vintage pour of Sony Software, served neat. This classic tech satire gem first appeared in the Pug Bus archives in 2005. It revealed how Sony BMG, spotting repeat listeners
- [Your Satirical Horoscopes: Guidance for People Who Should Know Better](https://www.pugbus.org/your-satirical-horoscopes-guidance-for-people-who-should-know-better/) - AriesYou will mistake momentum for wisdom, and volume for leadership. This will not stop you from charging forward like someone who has never been audited by reality. A minor inconvenience will feel like a personal betrayal orchestrated by the universe itself. React proportionally, which is to say, not at all. TaurusYou will seek comfort and
- [The Underside of the Holidays: Ten Deranged Egg Nog Uses](https://www.pugbus.org/the-underside-of-the-holidays-ten-deranged-egg-nog-uses/) - Deranged egg nog uses were born in the shivering, lightless winter of 1243, when a delirious monk named Brother Thaddeus found himself trapped in a stone cellar with nothing but a bucket of curdled cream and a handful of stolen bird embryos. Brother Thaddeus was gripped by a fever that made his skin hum like
- [When Is Boxing Day? Who Cares?](https://www.pugbus.org/when-is-boxing-day-who-cares/) - The origins of Boxing Day are not about charity or leftovers. People wondering when is Boxing Day--after they have stopped wondering what is Boxing Day--need to know, or not, that it emerged from the Great Fog of 1684, when King Charles II realized his courtiers were getting too soft from eating minced pies. He therefore
- [Quoting Reddit Users You Have Not Interviewed Ought to Be a Capital Crime](https://www.pugbus.org/quoting-reddit-users-you-have-not-interviewed-ought-to-be-a-capital-crime/) - In the annals of modern media, a new breed of wannabe "reporter" has emerged, wielding not a tape recorder or a notebook, but a scroll wheel. Their beat? Unsuspecting Reddit users. Why bother with pesky, time-consuming interviews, fact-checking, or human interaction when a treasure trove of unfiltered, unverified content awaits on the untamed digital savannah
- [Amusing Horoscopes for the Criminally Insane](https://www.pugbus.org/amusing-horoscopes-for-the-criminally-insane/) - Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Mars is busy binge‑watching reality TV in these amusing horoscopes. Therefore, your usual “charge ahead” vibe will be replaced by an inexplicable urge to nap on the couch. Do not expect spontaneous applause just because you find the remote. Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)Venus just signed a contract with a gourmet cheese maker. Soon your cravings will
- [The Final Instructions Funeral Kit](https://www.pugbus.org/the-final-instructions-funeral-kit/) - The final instructions funeral kit arrives in biodegradable packaging the color of oat milk, because even death has an aesthetic. Marketed to the “extreme self-care” community, the final instructions funeral kit promises empowerment, closure, and the quiet thrill of knowing you have optimized the one experience no productivity app can touch. The box reassures you immediately that
- [A Dozen Holiday Treats That Are Actually Edible Hate Mail](https://www.pugbus.org/a-dozen-holiday-treats-that-are-actually-edible-hate-mail/) - It is time to get real about the holiday "treats" that are actually just edible hate mail. Here is the inedible truth about some dodgy stuff that Boomers are trying to gaslight us into enjoying. Lime Jell-O SaladsLime gelatin, shredded carrots, cabbage, and the occasional dollop of cottage cheese for that extra "texture of a
- [Your Presidential Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/your-presidential-horoscopes/) - The stars do not care about your tax bracket or your credit rating. They only want to see you fail in a way that is historically significant. If you have ever wondered why your life feels like a disorganized cabinet meeting or a slow-motion scandal, look no further than the examples of the guys who
- [Your Horoscopes As a Dumpster Fire](https://www.pugbus.org/your-horoscopes-as-a-dumpster-fire/) - It is time to look at the stars again, although they are currently screaming into the void just like the rest of us. Here is your unhinged guide to navigating the cosmic dumpster fire that is December 22, 2025. ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)You will achieve your career goals today, but only if
- [General Hospital Drama in the NBA](https://www.pugbus.org/general-hospital-drama-in-the-nba/) - The 2025-26 NBA season seems less like a basketball league and more like a General Hospital drama set at a prestigious orthopedic convention. We are witnessing a level of physical fragility that bleep-slaps logic. The entire player pool seems composed of wet tissue paper and high-yield debt. Star participation rate has fallen to a discouraging
- [An Open Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow: Your Goop Candle Is Confusing My Dog](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-gwyneth-paltrow-your-goop-candle-is-confusing-my-dog/) - I am writing to you because I am genuinely worried about the state of your kitchen. Is everything okay in there? Does a piece of bread have to go through a twelve-step sanctification process before it is allowed to touch your plate? I have this mental image of you hovering over a single, sad grain
- [The Path to Domestic Enlightenment: Modern House Cleaning Techniques](https://www.pugbus.org/the-path-to-domestic-enlightenment-modern-house-cleaning-techniques/) - Are you still using a sponge to clean your house like a peasant from a Third World country? Unless you fancy a place that smells like a wet dog and broken dreams, you have to stop listening to "certified home efficiency experts" and start listening to the chaotic energy of modern house cleaning techniques. Forget
- [Obituary: Brittany "Bison Whisperer" Jenkins - Gone but Not Forgotten (Mostly)](https://www.pugbus.org/obituary-brittany-bison-whisperer-jenkins-gone-but-not-forgotten-mostly/) - BISON CHRONICLE, Yellowstone National Park – It is with a sense of… well, a sense of something… that we announce the untimely departure of Brittany "Bison Whisperer" Jenkins, who, at the age of 27, embarked on her final content journey on Tuesday, approximately 20 feet from a clearly marked warning sign. Ms. Jenkins, known for
- [Christmas Horoscopes 2025: Your Holiday Disaster Predictions](https://www.pugbus.org/christmas-horoscopes-2025-your-holiday-disaster-predictions/) - ♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) The planets have exposed the fact that you are a loudmouthed victim of your own hubris. You said, "We could do it at my place" back in September because you wanted to feel like a generous god for five seconds. Now every relative you actually hate is descending upon your
- [Your Horoscopes Determined by Your Search History](https://www.pugbus.org/your-horoscopes-determined-by-your-search-history/) - Your search history is not just a digital trail of your fleeting curiosities. It is a roadmap to your eventual incarceration. When the prosecutor stands before the jury and reads your 3:00 AM inquiries aloud, do not look here for sympathy. The stars see what you type into that private browser tab: and, frankly, the
- [🏋️ Rawdogging Olympics: Horoscopes for the Unprepared](https://www.pugbus.org/🏋️-rawdogging-olympics-horoscopes-for-the-unprepared/) - The stars have gathered in a defensive crouch. They whisper that Preparation Day arrives like a government audit crossed with an existential exit interview. You thought you were ready. You were not. The stars now present each sign with its individual ordeal, complete with dire portents, awkward instructions, and a strong sense of having wasted
- [Feline Horoscopes: The Litter Box of Destiny](https://www.pugbus.org/feline-horoscopes-the-litter-box-of-destiny/) - Hark. The heavens have shifted and the universe has finally decided to speak through creatures that actually matter. Thus, these feline horoscopes. Do not come to us with your questions about the stars or the alignment of distant gas giants. We have consulted the only authorities worth their salt. Cats do not care about your
- [What Would Nietzsche Do? Why Self-Help Books Keep Failing You](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nietzsche-do-why-self-help-books-keep-failing-you/) - The Eternal Left-Swiper Dear Nietzsche, I have swiped left on 4,000 people and counting. Not one feels right. My therapist says I am "too picky," but honestly, everyone looks like a tax deduction with legs. What is wrong here? Dear Apostle of Disgust,There is nothing wrong with you. You merely possess a functioning Geschmacksorgan (taste
- [Today's 911 Horoscopes: The Algorithmic Calamity](https://www.pugbus.org/todays-911-horoscopes-the-algorithmic-calamity/) - The cosmic outlook is not good. Indeed, in today's 911 horoscopes the planetary alignments suggest a pervasive sense of digital dread and a spike in existential panic, all traceable, astrologers agree, to the malign influence of Artificial Intelligence upon the celestial sphere. An AI, having ingested every archived horoscope since the dawn of print in
- [🐕 Dog Horoscopes: The View from the Kennel](https://www.pugbus.org/🐕-dog-horoscopes-the-view-from-the-kennel/) - Having exhausted the meager predictive capabilities of birds, we descend today to the slobbery realm of canines. They provide a forecast just as scornful of your personal struggles, but with more hair and a persistent farting problem. Prepare to have your week judged by creatures who are either too focused on chasing a tennis ball
- [Bird-Brained Horoscopes: Predictions from Your Fine Feathered Friends](https://www.pugbus.org/bird-brained-horoscopes-predictions-from-your-fine-feathered-friends/) - A forecast that's utterly useless yet dressed in the flimsy pretense of cosmic wisdom—a true reflection of our modern age. The kind of advice that will either help or harm you, but will certainly give you a moment of smug, superior recognition. Sweet. Prepare to have your meager existence judged not by dead stars, but
- [📚 Review: American Canto by Olivia Nuzzi](https://www.pugbus.org/📚-review-american-canto-by-olivia-nuzzi/) - Olivia Nuzzi’s American Canto arrived with the pomp, circumstance, and trumpet flourishes of a coronation ... and the sad figures of a yard sale. Publishers gushed about a literary thunderclap. Vanity Fair polished her halo, The New York Times dimmed the lights for a soft-focus profile, and industry insiders predicted a first-week sales boom worthy
- [Meet the McTherapy Meal: From McDonald’s New Menu for Spiritual Growth](https://www.pugbus.org/meet-the-mctherapy-meal-mcdonalds-new-menu-for-spiritual-growth/) - CHICAGO — In a bold attempt to corner the emotional-distress market, McDonald’s New Menu for Spiritual Growth has unveiled the McTherapy Meal, a limited-time combo that promises “crispy clarity,” “golden comfort,” and “a side of unresolved yearning.”The meal includes fries, chicken nuggets, and a coupon for one complimentary existential crisis, redeemable between 8:00 a.m. and
- [Black Lives Matter: You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/black-lives-matter-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - Members of Fuk Yo Flag, a wholly owned subsidiary of Black Lives Matter, have taken to videos and blog posts to "suggest" acts of violence and thuggery on September 11. After posting a video recently that called for "open season on killing white people and cops," a man who identifies himself as "King Noble, Black
- [Seven Words You Can't Say in a Horoscope](https://www.pugbus.org/seven-words-you-cant-say-in-a-horoscope/) - Astrology is governed by many rules. Most are imaginary. Some are unwritten ... by people who own blazers and say things like brand safety without irony. They also decided there are Seven Words You Can't Say in Horoscopes. The Horoscope Industrial Complex has agreed that these seven words are so disturbing, so destabilizing, and so
- [Jennifer Aniston's Break Up Gets Happy Ending](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-anistons-break-up-gets-happy-ending/) - HOLLYWOOD - Universal Pictures has acknowledged that the ending of The Break Up, a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, has been rewritten. The studio decided on a do over, said Universal spokesman Ralph Gould, after test audiences had reacted badly to the original ending. In that version the characters portrayed by Ms. Aniston
- [Tom Cruise Past Lives Channeled in a Yahoo Chat Room Meltdown](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-tells-yahoo-chat-room-his-baby-has-lived-before/) - Tom Cruise took time out from making a placenta casserole to visit with a Yahoo chat room audience last night. During the scheduled fifteen-minute session, sponsored by Yahoo News and Placentavite shampoo, Mr. Cruise answered several Tom Cruise Past Lives questions about his outrageous religious beliefs and his past lives. The first questioner, TomKat45903 from
- [Bush to Assume Presidency in Continuing White House Shakeup](https://www.pugbus.org/bush-to-assume-presidency-in-continuing-white-house-shakeup/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Left high and dry by declining poll numbers and eroding public confidence, George W. Bush continues his shakeup of the White House in an effort to salvage his second term. Yesterday Scott McClellan, the sweaty, pink-faced presidential press secretary, resigned; and Karl Rove, the sweaty, pink-faced deputy chief of staff known as
- [Julia Roberts Hit with Restraining Order Following Broadway Debut](https://www.pugbus.org/julia-roberts-hit-with-restraining-order-following-broadway-debut/) - NEW YORK - Julia Roberts has been ordered by a New York judge to stay at least three hundred feet from the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre, where Three Days of Rain, the play in which Ms. Roberts made her Broadway debut last Wednesday, is being presented. The restraining order was granted yesterday at the request of
- [President Bush Says America Dreamz Sends the Wrong Message](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-says-america-dreamz-sends-the-wrong-message-by-chip-hilton/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following a private White House screening of American Dreamz, President George W. Bush told reporters that the comedy, which stars Dennis Quaid as an amiable dimwit who believes God chose him to lead the country, sends the wrong message about America. "People who don't know anything about America won't learn much from watching American
- [Harvard Author Blames Literary Theft on Acid Reflux](https://www.pugbus.org/harvard-author-blames-literary-theft-on-acid-reflux/) - CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, 19, blames acid reflux for the numerous and striking similarities between her chick-lit novel, How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life, and two books by Megan McCafferty: Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In an interview yesterday at the office of Little, Brown and Company, her publisher, Ms. Viswanathan
- [Kaavya Viswanathan Is a Literary Fraud, Says Nicole Richie](https://www.pugbus.org/kaavya-viswanathan-is-a-literary-fraud-says-nicole-richie/) - MALIBU - Author Nicole Richie has lashed out at Kaavya Viswanathan, calling the Harvard sophomore a literary fraud for plagiarizing large parts of Megan McCafferty's Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. In a sharply worded statement released through her literary agent, Ms. Richie said, "What Ms. Viswanathan did is worse than showing up at a club wearing a dress
- [  Keith Richards Out of His Tree, Hillary Clinton Out of Beano](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-richards-out-of-his-tree-hillary-clinton-out-of-beano/)
- [United 93 Audience Rushes Screen](https://www.pugbus.org/united-93-audience-rushes-screen/) - MORGANTOWN, Penna. - Moviegoers at the Tri-County Multiplex rushed the screen during the 7:20 showing of United 93 Saturday night, shouting "let's roll" and "death to all towel heads." While most of the audience sat praying in its seats and some persons tried to phone loved ones, dozens of enraged persons ran down the aisles of theater
- [Keith Richards and Kaavya Viswanathan Will File Lawsuits](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-richards-and-kaavya-viswanathan-will-file-lawsuits/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards and Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan will turn to the courts to seek redress for their current misfortunes, The Wall Street Journal reported this morning. Mr. Richards suffered a concussion when he fell out of a coconut tree at the Wakaya Club resort in Fiji. Ms Viswanathan suffered loss
- [Will Britney Spears' Press Conference Include K-Fed?](https://www.pugbus.org/will-britney-spears-press-conference-include-k-fed/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears will hold a press conference at the Los Angeles Convention Center today. Barring the capture of Osama bin Laden, the premature birth of Angelina Jolie's baby, or the discovery of intelligent life in the White House, Ms. Spears will be the top news story. As of this morning Ms. Spears
- [Osama bin Laden Strategy for Coping with Rising Gasoline Prices](https://www.pugbus.org/osama-bin-laden-strategy-for-coping-with-rising-gasoline-prices/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Citing rising gasoline prices as the "greatest threat to our mission in the United States," Osama bin Laden advised Al-Qaida members at work in America to walk or to ride bicycles when they visit Internet cafes to plan their next attack. "In your struggle to bring down the corrupt regime of George
- [Britney Spears Has Husband Kevin Federline Microchipped](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-has-husband-kevin-federline-microchipped/) - MALIBU — Pop culture’s most unpredictable couple has entered the age of pet-tracking technology. Sources close to the sunny seaside residence report that one enterprising singer has fitted her husband with a discreet microchip, hoping technology might succeed where marital pep talks, road trips, and heartfelt family interventions have fallen short. The device — a
- [Jennifer Lopez Introduces Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-lopez-introduces-combination-grill-and-small-animal-crematorium/) - MALIBU - Jennifer Lopez, whom People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has attempted to make the butt of its anti-fur campaign, responded by announcing the intro-duction of the Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium. "Each year the bodies of hundreds of thousands of perfectly healthy small animals harvested for the fashion industry
- [Tom Cruise Backlash Ruins Mission Impossible 3 Debut](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-backlash-queers-mission-impossible-3-debut/) - HOLLYWOOD - A Tom Cruise backlash appears to have queered the box office for Mr. Cruise' latest film Mission Impossible 3, which failed to measure up to expectations last weekend. MI3 earned roughly $48 million, domestic, making it No. 1 with a bullet, but the bullet was aimed at its feet. Domestic box office for MI3 had been expected to
- [Britney Spears, Courtney Love Top Stretch Marks Poll](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-courtney-love-top-stretch-marks-poll/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Britney Spears and Courtney Love finished in a virtual dead heat in the Postcards from the Pug Bus First Annual Stretch Marks Poll. After studying the skanky photo on the left, 1,592 voters were asked whether Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Courtney Love, or Mother Teresa had grown the stretch
- [Britney Spears Answers Pregnancy Rumors on Letterman Show](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-answers-pregnancy-rumors-on-letterman-show/) - NEW YORK - Britney Spears paid a surprise visit to yesterday's taping of the "Late Show with David Letterman" in New York to deny rumors that she is bearing Mr. Letterman's child. A spokesman for the CBS show said Ms. Spears' brief visit, which had been arranged earlier in the day, was a surprise to
- [Tom Cruise Outclassed by Brooke Shields in Family Faceoff](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-outclassed-by-brooke-shields-in-family-faceoff/) - HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields have buried the olive branch and extended the hatchet, putting paid to their feud about the value of psychiatry and antidepressants. Yet if looking well is the best revenge, Mr. Cruise has clearly taken one in the shorts from Ms. Shields, whom he went out of his way
- [Bush, Verizon Team Up to Sell NSA Telephone Spying Program](https://www.pugbus.org/bush-verizon-team-up-to-sell-nsa-telephone-spying-program/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush will announce during his weekly radio address today that he is taking the place of Paul Marcarelli, the long-time face of Verizon Wireless advertising, in a new series of commercials designed to sell Americans on the next phase of the president's domestic spying initiative. As part of that
- [Brooke Shields Suffering from Postpartum Elation](https://www.pugbus.org/brooke-shields-suffering-from-postpartum-elation/) - LOS ANGELES - After the birth of her daughter Rowan three years ago, Brooke Shields suffered a crippling case of postpartum depression, which she chronicled in her book Down Came the Rain. Her efforts to help other women with similar problems earned her a broadside from Scientologist Tom Cruise, who belittled her endorsement of psychiatry and
- [President Bush Sending Jehovah's Witnesses to Patrol Border](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-sending-jehovahs-witnesses-to-patrol-border/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush said last night that he will deploy 8,000 Spanish-speaking Jehovah's Witnesses to the Mexican border to help stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States.Acknowledging that this country has virtually no control of its southern border, Mr. Bush argued in a prime time speech to the nation from
- [Spay Britney Spears Campaign Announced](https://www.pugbus.org/spay-britney-spears-campaign-announced/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - A campaign to spay Britney Spears has been launched by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading satirical website. According to Pug Bus editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, "At the rate Ms. Spears is reproducing, she and her offspring will give birth to thousands of babies, who will more than
- [Spay Britney Spears Campaign Picks Up Endorsements](https://www.pugbus.org/spay-britney-spears-campaign-picks-up-endorsements/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The campaign to spay Britney Spears, launched yesterday by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading satirical website, has gained three important endorsements. According to Pug Bus editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, the American Kennel Club (AKC), the Mensa Society, and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have expressed their
- [Paul McCartney Mourns Loss of Handicapped Parking Sticker](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-mourns-loss-of-handicapped-parking-sticker/) - LONDON - Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney say he is disconsolate about the loss of the handicapped parking sticker to which he had access while he was living with his estranged, one-legged wife, Heather Mills. "It's really all he talks about," said Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour. "That and the great sex they had. Apparently
- [Nicole Richie Splits from DJ Again, Another Book Is Blamed](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-richie-splits-from-dj-again-another-book-is-blamed/) - HOLLYWOOD - Once again a book has come between author Nicole Richie and her ex-fiance Adam Goldstein. Ms. Richie, 24, and Mr. Goldstein, 33, were engaged in February last year; but he called it quits in December, one month after the publication of Ms. Richie's first novel, The Truth about Diamonds. Apparently Truth contained too much "truth" about
- [Barbaro E-mail Addresses Bombarded with Spam](https://www.pugbus.org/barbaro-e-mail-addresses-bombarded-with-spam/) - KENNET SQUARE, Penna. - Two e-mail addresses created to allow racing fans to send get well messages to Barbaro may have to be shut down. According to Dean Richardson, the veterinarian who operated on the Kentucky Derby champion after he had fractured his right hind leg in the Preakness, more than half the e-mails sent
- [President Bush Issues Memorial Day Cell Phone Virus Alert](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-issues-memorial-day-cell-phone-virus-alert/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush has warned Americans that the Memorial Day cell phone virus, the most virulent in-the-wild mobile phone virus yet discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teenagers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging vacationers across the land. During his weekly radio address yesterday, the president hinted
- [President Bush Lays Wreath to Honor Fashion's Fallen Heroes](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-lays-wreath-to-honor-fashions-fallen-heroes/) - MIAMI - President George W. Bush paid a surprise visit to slain fashion designer Giovanni Versace's house in Miami last night. Mr. Bush arrived shortly after dark and placed a wreath on a stand not far from the delicate wrought iron fence that accents the late designer's mansion. Speaking extemporaneously, the president told a small
- [Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Send Diplomatic Inquiry to President Bush](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-send-diplomatic-inquiry-to-president-bush/) - REPUBLIC OF BRANGELINA - Angelina Jolie, president of the newly formed African Republic of Brangelina, has instructed her ambassador to the United States, Brad Pitt, to send a formal letter of diplomatic inquiry to President George W. Bush. According to a source close to Ms. Jolie, the couple is seeking the same kind of diplomatic
- [Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Baby Quiz Exclusive](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-baby-quiz-exclusive/) - SWAKOPMUND, Namibia - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may have squashed the feeding frenzy that had threatened to overwhelm them, but their strong-arm tactics have deprived their fans of any meaningful Brangelina fix for days. If you are one of the millions of people jonesing for news of substance about the golden couple and their
- [Angelina Jolie Buys Domain Names for Namibian Children](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-buys-domain-names-for-namibian-children/) - SWAKOPMUND, Namibia - Angelina Jolie has created an endowment to fund the purchase of domain names for Namibian children. Ms. Jolie, the Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees, created the endowment to "level the playing field in chat rooms and on message boards for Namibian kids," said a Jolie spokeswoman. According
- [President Bush Wants Ban on Same-Sex Cruises](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-wants-ban-on-same-sex-cruises/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush told his weekly radio broadcast audience Saturday that he believes the constitution should be amended to ban same-sex-only vacation cruises. The move is widely seen as a bid to shore up the president's collapsing support among conservative voters and vacationers. President Bush attacked what he called "activist vacation
- [Michelle Wie Contemplates Retiring from Golf](https://www.pugbus.org/michelle-wie-contemplates-retiring-from-golf/) - SUMMIT, N.J. - Michelle Wie has nothing left to prove on the golf course, and she may retire soon to pursue other career opportunities in arenas traditionally dominated by men. Ms. Wie made her announcement yesterday after another inspiring performance, this time at the Canoe Brook Country Club, where she dominated the galleries and the
- [Tom Cruise Slams Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-slams-angelina-jolie-brad-pitt/) - HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise has charged Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt with exploiting their newborn daughter, Shiloh Nouvel, "to wage a multimillion-dollar publicity campaign to bolster their careers." Mr. Cruise made these charges in an op-ed piece entitled "What Price Publicity?" in today's New York Times. "Brangelina's constant, manic travel and their grandstanding for 'goodwill causes'
- [U.S. Military Leaks al-Zarqawi Sex Tape, Sunnis Riot](https://www.pugbus.org/u-s-military-leaks-al-zarqawi-sex-tape-sunnis-riot/) - RAMADI , Iraq - Thousands of Sunnis rioted after a U.S. military official had leaked a copy of a twenty-five-minute sex tape found in the rubble of the "safe house" where Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed on Wednesday. The tape, which somehow survived the bomb blast that killed Mr. al-Zarqawi and seven of his associates,
- [Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Leave Namibia in Chaos](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-leave-namibia-in-chaos/) - SWAKOPMUND, Namibia - Standing proudly in front of a large banner that read "Mission Accomplished," Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt waved to a cheering crowd of body-guards, personal servants, and security experts prior to departing Namibia. Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt, dressed in military fatigues, were accompanied by their children—Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh Nouvel—who were
- [Paul McCartney's Top 10 Signs Your Wife's a One-Legged Prostitute](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartneys-top-10-signs-your-wifes-a-one-legged-hooker/) - LONDON - Paul McCartney told the News of the World that he realizes now he should have seen the signs that Heather Mills, his estranged wife, had been a call girl before she married him. Mr. McCartney, 63, said he was caught with his pants up by revelations that when Heather was in her twenties, she had
- [JJ Redick, Ben Roethlisberger Did It to Impress Paris Hilton](https://www.pugbus.org/jj-redick-ben-roethlisberger-did-it-to-impress-paris-hilton/) - DURHAM, N.C. - Sports fans have been wrestling with a pair of troublesome questions this week: Why would former Duke basketball star JJ Redick get wasted enough to attract police attention just weeks before the NBA draft, in which he is expected to be a first-round pick? And why would Pittsburgh Steelers' Super Bowl-winning quarterback
- [Paul McCartney When I'm Sixty-Four Horoscope](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-when-im-sixty-four-horoscope/) - LONDON - (Editor's Note) After waiting nearly four decades, Paul McCartney has learned to his dismay that the answers to the questions he posed when the Beatles released "When I'm Sixty-Four" are all no. Not to be undone, however, by the realization that no significant other will be sending him birthday greetings or a bottle
- [JonBenet Ramsey Death a Suicide, Said Late Mother](https://www.pugbus.org/jonbenet-ramsey-death-a-suicide-said-late-mother/) - MARIETTA, Ga. - The death of former beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey has been called a suicide by her mother, Patsy, who died of ovarian cancer Saturday at the age of forty-nine. The stunning revelation came in a certified letter, which was accompanied by JonBenet's alleged suicide note. Patsy Ramsey had mailed the letter to her
- [Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban Honeymoon Off to Solid Start](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-kidman-keith-urban-honeymoon-off-to-solid-start/) - SYDNEY - Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban began their honeymoon yesterday, accompanied by several accountants, lawyers, financial advisors, and a "mutually acceptable" arbitrator. Some rumors had the honeymoon party bound for Fiji, while other sources said the group was headed for Bora Bora instead, but by all accounts the newlyweds were eager to start their
- [Britney Spears Explains Why She Posed Naked](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-explains-why-she-posed-naked/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears issued a brief press release yesterday explaining her decision to appear naked in the August issue of Harper's Bazaar. According to Ms. Spears, her choice was "the next logical step" in her campaign "to keep it real for my fans." The first step in that campaign, Ms. Spears' decision to do
- [Google Checkout Is Based on Its Own Currency](https://www.pugbus.org/google-checkout-is-based-on-its-own-currency/) - MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. - While e-commerce analysts describe what is expected to be a war for the minds and wallets of Internet shoppers between Google Checkout and PayPal, the most important feature of Google Checkout has gone virtually unremarked. Checkout is based on a new currency issued by Google: the Googlerand. "The days of geophysical
- [Michelle Wie Tied for Lead at U.S. Women's Open](https://www.pugbus.org/michelle-wie-tied-for-lead-at-u-s-womens-open/) - NEWPORT, R.I. - Michelle Wie is tied for the lead after the first day of the U.S. Women's Open at the historic Newport Country Club. Ms. Wie, who is taking time off from her quest to become the first woman to qualify for something on the men's tour, is currently tied for first with the
- [Pamela Anderson Strips for Twin Causes](https://www.pugbus.org/pamela-anderson-strips-for-twin-causes/) - LONDON - Actress Pamela Anderson, who is thirty-nine today, admitted she was promoting more than one cause when she stripped in the window of designer Stella McCartney's Mayfair boutique in support of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal's campaign against the use of fur in fashion. "Of course I was there to help PETA
- [Feed Lindsay Lohan Campaign Gaining Weight](https://www.pugbus.org/feed-lindsay-lohan-campaign-gaining-weight/) - HOLLYWOOD - The Feed Lindsay Lohan campaign gathered critical mass today, Lohan's nineteenth birthday, with the addition of the United Nations, the Hunger Project, and Carl's Jr. fast food chain to the list of international organizations dedicating their resources to preventing Lohan from starving herself to death. "We cannot allow this talented young actress, who
- [Guantanamo Ruling on bin Laden's Driver a Blow to Bush](https://www.pugbus.org/guantanamo-ruling-on-bin-ladens-driver-a-blow-to-bush/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Salim Ahmed Hamdan, the short and slight Yemeni who was once Osama bin Laden's driver, must receive a trial with new, congressionally approved procedures. Before the court's ruling, President George W. Bush wanted to try Mr. Hamdan in three feet of frog-infested water because,
- [Johnny Depp Gets Keith Richards for Monkey Role in Next Pirates](https://www.pugbus.org/johnny-depp-gets-keith-richards-for-monkey-role-in-next-pirates/) - LOS ANGELES - Johnny Depp realized a longtime dream when Keith Richards agreed to play Depp's monkey in the third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. Mr. Depp, who used Mr. Richards' trademark mincing gait and effeminate mannerisms as the "rhythm track" for his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow in the original Pirates, had been considering Richards
- [Britney Spears Supports Restricted Licenses for Teens](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-supports-restricted-licenses-for-teens/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears has thrown her weight behind a national initiative to restrict driving privileges for sixteen-year-olds. The once-and-future mother announced yesterday that she is "like totally in favor of" laws that restrict sixteen-year-old drivers from carrying passengers, driving while eating a sandwich, and driving while having sex, including oral sex, which many teenagers
- [Paris Hilton Stalker Has Hollywood's Support](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-stalker-has-hollywoods-support/) - LOS ANGELES - The Paris Hilton stalker who turned up at her father's office carrying a knife last week has become an overnight cause celebre in Hollywood. The well-dressed, soft-spoken young man, described by one supporter as "seriously hot," talked his way into Mr. Hilton's office after telling the receptionist he was Ms. Hilton's fiancé.
- [Jeremy Piven Is Local Bank Teller's Inspiration](https://www.pugbus.org/jeremy-piven-is-local-bank-tellers-inspiration/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Jeremy Piven, who has played sidekicks and eccentrics in more than three dozen films during the last twenty years, is the inspiration of Richard Dean, 23, a teller at First National Bank of West Chester. When he was interviewed for the current edition of the bank's monthly newsletter, First National News, Mr.
- [Jessica Simpson Thinks Divorce Made Her Younger](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-thinks-divorce-made-her-younger/) - MALIBU - Any news report that begins with the words "Jessica Simpson thinks" is bound to raise eyebrows. The last time Ms. Simpson thought, at least for the record, she told reporters she wanted to adopt a baby in Mexico because she loved the Mardi Gras tradition. Undaunted by the incredulous silence that greeted her
- [Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Present Baby Suri Hotline](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-present-baby-suri-hotline/) - HOLLYWOOD - Tom Cruise has finally responded to growing speculation that his alleged daughter Suri does not exist. Mr. Cruise announced yesterday through the pubic relations office at the Scientology Centre in Hollywood that he has authorized the centre to establish a Baby Suri hotline to provide the press and public with information about the
- [Wie Woeful but Still Confident in John Deere](https://www.pugbus.org/wie-woeful-but-still-confident-in-john-deere/) - SILVIS, Ill. - Once again Michelle Wie failed in her quest to become the first woman golfer since 1945 to use the men's shower facilities at a PGA event. Her failure left many Wie watchers disappointed. They believed the John Deere was her best chance of lathering up with the men because all the big
- [Princess Di Crash Photo Revives Rumors of Affairs](https://www.pugbus.org/princess-di-crash-photo-revives-rumors-of-affairs/) - LONDON - A photo of Princess Diana published in the Italian magazine Chi drew an irate response from the media in Britain yesterday. In the black-and-white photo Princess Di is being administered oxygen in the wreckage of the car crash that killed her August 31, 1997. Ironically, Britain's normally shameless tabloid newspapers, the bane of Diana's existence
- [Jessica Simpson Launches Book-of-the-Year Club](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-launches-book-of-the-year-club/) - LOS ANGELES - Jessica Simpson believes Oprah's Book Club puts too much pressure on its members. In a recent Maxim interview Ms. Simpson declared, "People who lead active lives don't have time to read a book every month. What with going to the gym and the tanning salon, getting manicures, pedicures, and bikini waxes, shopping for clothes
- [Brad Pitt Launches Mission to Become Most Annoying Celebrity](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-pitt-launches-mission-to-become-most-annoying-celebrity/) - NEW YORK - Brad Pitt used the bully pulpit of the Today show to launch his campaign to win People magazine's Most Annoying Celebrity of 2006 award. In a stunning performance Mr. Pitt served notice that he is a celebrity with whom to be reckoned when it comes to getting on an intelligent person's last nerve. While Today's Ann Curry
- [Britney Spears Gets Apology from National Enquirer's Pecker](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-gets-apology-from-national-enquirers-pecker/) - BOCA RATON, Fla. - The National Enquirer's chief executive, David Pecker, confirmed that his organ's British and Irish editions had apologized to Britney Spears for publishing two stories that claimed Ms. Spears and her husband Kevin Federline were getting divorced. The rare apology and retraction came after Ms. Spears had threatened to sue the Enquirer for libel. According
- [Britney Spears to Write Children's Book [Update]](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-to-write-childrens-book-update/) - MALIBU - Despite the demands of motherhood, Britney Spears still intends to finish a children's book this year; after that she plans to write one. An editor at Hyperion Books for Children in New York confirmed that Ms. Spears book will tell the story of S.P., a baby who acquires magical powers after being dropped
- [Bush Declares Victory Over Saddam Hussein's Hunger Strike](https://www.pugbus.org/bush-declares-victory-over-saddam-husseins-hunger-strike/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following a visit to church yesterday, President Bush declared victory over Saddam Hussein's seventeen-day hunger strike. The determined-looking president said that Mr. Hussein had been made to realize "he is no longer a ruthless, bloodthirsty dictator who can withhold food from himself or his people on a whim. "Whether Saddam likes it
- [President Bush Sues Dixie Chicks over Hail to the Chief](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-sues-dixie-chicks-over-hail-to-the-chief/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acting on information gained from cell phone surveillance, President Bush filed suit in a Washington, D.C., court yesterday to stop the Dixie Chicks from using "Hail to the Chief" to herald their arrival on stage during their present concert tour. The president's lawyers argued in a 225-page brief that the Chicks' continued
- [Britney Spears Still Believes Iraq Had WMDs](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-still-believes-iraq-had-wmds/) - MALIBU - Count Britney Spears among the growing number of Americans who believe Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction as recently as 2003. According to a Harris Poll released July 21, half of all respondents—up from 36 percent last year—said they believed Mr. Hussein had WMDs when President Bush ordered the invasion of Iraq
- [Lindsay Lohan Aims to Support U.S. Troops in Iraq](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-aims-to-support-u-s-troops-in-iraq/) - HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan told Elle magazine that she wants to follow in the footsteps of her idol, Marilyn Monroe, by "entertaining our brave fighting men one soldier at a time." In a penetrating interview that lands like a smart bomb on newsstands today, the Herbie Fully Loaded actress said, "I want to do what Marilyn did when she
- [Suspect in JonBenet Ramsey Murder Case Says It Was Suicide](https://www.pugbus.org/suspect-in-jonbenet-ramsey-murder-case-says-it-was-suicide/) - BANGKOK - John Mark Karr, who was arrested in Bangkok yesterday for questioning about the murder of six-year-old American beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, told police he was with Ms. Ramsey when she died nearly ten years ago, but her death was a suicide. Mr. Karr, 41, a former substitute teacher in California, had been under
- [JonBenet Ramsey Suspect Confesses to Natalee Holloway Murder](https://www.pugbus.org/onbenet-ramsey-suspect-confesses-to-natalee-holloway-murder/) - BANGKOK - John Mark Karr, who rocketed from shadowy insignificance to worldwide infamy on Wednesday by confessing to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has now fingered himself in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. The forty-one-year-old school teacher made his second blockbuster confession in two days yesterday. "I was in love with Natalee Holloway," said Mr.
- [Ford Plans to Recall 24,000 SUV Drivers](https://www.pugbus.org/ford-plans-to-recall-24000-suv-drivers/) - DETROIT - Concerned about the increasing rate of "irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior" exhibited by SUV drivers, not to mention escalating gasoline prices, Ford announced today that it is recalling 24,000 owners of its Ford Expedition and Lincoln Navigator series in the first of a planned schedule of recalls. "We have notified these persons by
- [Tom Cruise Dumped by Paramount Because of Annoying Laugh](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-dumped-by-paramount-because-of-annoying-laugh/) - LOS ANGELES — Hollywood experienced a measurable shift in the Earth’s crust this week when Paramount Pictures announced it was ending its long-running partnership with its most turbo-charged leading man. The studio framed the move as a “strategic reset,” though insiders whispered that the real culprit may have been the actor’s famously exuberant laugh —
- [President Bush Says Troop Callup Not Backdoor Draft](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-says-troop-callup-not-backdoor-draft/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush told reporters yesterday that his plans to call up selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq and Afghanistan did not amount to a backdoor draft. In response to a question from CNN's Wolf Blitzer, the president declared, "How can this be
- [Tom Cruise Demoted to Dwarf Object Status by IAU](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-demoted-to-dwarf-object-status-by-iau/) - PRAGUE - The International Astronomical Union (IAU) adopted a resolution Thursday that effectively strips Tom Cruise of his status as a Hollywood planet. The controversial resolution was adopted after an initial proposal to add three new planets to the Hollywood solar system—Pamela Anderson, Mr. Cruise' moon Jamie Fox, and the distant world known as Robert
- [Mark Wahlberg Unconvincing as Vince Papale](https://www.pugbus.org/mark-wahlberg-unconvincing-as-vince-papale/) - PHILADELPHIA - The only time Invincible captures Vince Papale is when the credits start to roll and clips of the real Vince, with his dark, shaggy hair, swarthy complexion, killer teeth, and 50,000-megawatt Joe Namath smile, fill the screen. If you were in a hurry to get out of the theater, you missed it. Too bad. It
- [God at Wit's End over Dispute between Israel and Hezbollah](https://www.pugbus.org/god-at-wits-end-over-dispute-between-israel-and-hezbollah/) - NEW YORK - The Lord God Almighty declared yesterday that He is "damn sick and tired of hearing about that whole mess between Israel and Hezbollah." God made this revelation in a sternly worded e-mail delivered to the office of UN secretary-general, Kofi Annan. "I can appreciate the solace that religion brings to people who
- [Photog Drops Suit against Jennifer Aniston over Topless Shots](https://www.pugbus.org/photog-drops-suit-against-jennifer-aniston-over-topless-shots/) - LOS ANGELES - The photographer who filed suit against Jennifer Aniston last December for "wantonly exposing her breasts" in her backyard, thereby interfering with his ability to earn a living, has dropped his suit after agreeing to "an undisclosed financial settlement" from Ms. Aniston. Ms. Aniston also agreed that if she appears topless in any
- [Tom Cruise Issues Apology Tour; Mileage May Vary](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-apologizes-to-brooke-shields-matt-lauer-oprah-next/) - LOS ANGELES — Tom Cruise reportedly began what insiders are calling his “Multi-City Apology Awareness Outreach Tour” by visiting Brooke Shields at her home last Friday. According to Shields, he arrived via unannounced aircraft technology not normally seen outside movie trailers and UFO documentaries. “Once he hopped out in that mysterious burlap ensemble, I figured
- [Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter Death Tops Stingray News](https://www.pugbus.org/steve-irwin-crocodile-hunter-death-tops-stingray-news/) - The death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has left the stingray world scrambling to effect damage control. Mr. Irwin, 44, died today after being stung by a bull ray on the Great Barrier Reef in northeastern Queensland state. He and several members of his film crew were stingray gigging. "We're just devastated," said Jared Bednar,
- [Suri Cruise Photos Expected to Fuel Stock Market Rally](https://www.pugbus.org/suri-cruise-photos-expected-to-fuel-stock-market-rally/) - The publication of the first pictures of Suri Cruise should drive many stock prices higher, financial analysts predict. The long-anticipated images, featured in an exclusive twenty-two-page spread in the October issue of Vanity Fair, hit newsstands in New York and Los Angeles today and in other markets next Tuesday. Some of the photos were also featured
- [Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Rumors Flood Internet](https://www.pugbus.org/crocodile-hunter-steve-irwin-rumors-flood-internet/) - CAIRNS, Australia - The recent death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has occasioned a flood of rumors the likes of which have not been seen on the Internet since the death of Princess Diana, an event to which the passing of Mr. Irwin has been likened. Not even tales of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's
- [Katie Couric Sign-off Contest Finalists Announced](https://www.pugbus.org/katie-couric-sign-off-contest-finalists-announced/) - Katie Couric, the first solo evening news anchor ever to undergo a colonoscopy on live television, admitted on her initial broadcast Tuesday that she was stuck for a clever sign-off line. Ms. Couric—also the first solo evening news anchor ever to have a mammogram on live television—has vowed to give her viewers a look at
- [New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation in Its Tracks](https://www.pugbus.org/new-sex-drug-stops-premature-ejaculation-in-its-tracks/) - ST. PAUL, Minn. - A report in the British medical journal The Lancet contains good news for men who suffer from the thrill of sexual excitement but the agony of premature ejaculation. In a study conducted at the University of Minnesota, a new drug called dapoxetine stoped premature ejaculation in its tracks. Dapoxetine is made from the
- [Britney Spears New Son Revives Spay Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-new-son-revives-spay-campaign/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The campaign to spay Britney Spears, launched in May by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading celebrity satire website, was given renewed life yesterday when Ms. Spears delivered her second son. "This is the leg up our campaign needs," said Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the Pug Bus.
- [Jessica Simpson Tells Ellen DeGeneres: I Scare Guys Away Too](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-tells-ellen-degeneres-i-scare-guys-away-too/) - LOS ANGELES - During an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson addressed a wide range of topics from her disappointment with psycho-therapy to the strange effect her celebrity has on men. She even attempted a joke, telling a startled-looking Ms. DeGeneres at one point, "You know, Helen, I seem to scare away guys too."
- [Whitney Houston Tired of Being Bobby Brown's Meal Ticket](https://www.pugbus.org/whitney-houston-tired-of-being-bobby-browns-meal-ticket/) - ATLANTA, Georgia - Crack-addled, damn-near-toothless Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from her free-loading, booty-chasing, boorish lout of a husband, Bobby Brown. A publicist for Ms. Houston, address unknown, declined to reveal where or when she had filed the divorce papers, and said the singer had no statement to make, "even if she could make
- [Jackass: Number 2 Sparks Muslim Leader's Outrage](https://www.pugbus.org/jackass-number-2-sparks-muslim-leaders-outrage/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - After viewing Jackass: Number Two, the chief cleric of the Mosque of the Sacred Jihad called on Muslims in West Chester and around the world to bring down "the all-consuming wrath of Allah upon those who support this unspeakably perverted Western, homoerotic filth." Quoting liberally from the darker passages of the Koran
- [Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Will Star in Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-will-star-in-mr-mrs-beowulf/) - LOS ANGELES - Hoping to squelch rumors that their relationship has hit the skid marks, and to capitalize on the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to star as Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf in the big-budget musical-thriller of the same name. Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf is adapted from Beowulf, the first musical
- [Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Will Star in Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-will-star-in-mr-mrs-beowulf-2/) - LOS ANGELES - Hoping to squelch rumors that their relationship has hit the skid marks, and to capitalize on the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have agreed to star as Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf in the big-budget musical-thriller of the same name. Mr. & Mrs. Beowulf is adapted from Beowulf, the first musical
- [God Denies Role in Anna Nicole Smith Commitment Ceremony](https://www.pugbus.org/god-denies-role-in-anna-nicole-smith-commitment-ceremony/) - NASSAU, Bahamas - The Lord God Almighty denied playing any role in the recent commitment ceremony between former stripper Anna Nicole Smith and her boyfriend-attorney, Howard K. Stern. The ceremony—which took place "before God," according to a statement issued by TrimSpa, the dietary supplement endorsed by Ms. Smith—was held onboard a catamaran anchored off Blackbeard's
- [Farm Aid Performers Stricken After Visiting Willie Nelson's Bus](https://www.pugbus.org/farm-aid-performers-stricken-after-visiting-willie-nelsons-bus/) - Several Farm Aid performers exhibited symptoms of extreme dizziness and incoherence during the eleven-hour fund raising concert at the Tweeter Centre yesterday. At first concert promoters feared the worst, an outbreak of food poisoning from the organic food VIP tent."That would have screwed the pooch big time," said John Mellencamp, who founded Farm Aid with
- [Britney Spears Fires Publicist; President Bush Fires Bob Woodward](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-fires-publicist-president-bush-fires-bob-woodward/) - MALIBU and WASHINGTON, D.C. - Determined to take control of their images, Britney Spears and President George W. Bush have fired two of their most trusted associates. Ms. Spears terminated her long-time press representative, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, over the weekend, while Mr. Bush fired his unofficial biographer, Bob Woodward. Ms. Spears' decision reflects her determination to
- [Mark Foley Enters Alcoholism Rehab; Gambling Rehab Next](https://www.pugbus.org/mark-foley-enters-alcoholism-rehab-gambling-rehab-next/) - LAPLAND, Fla. - Mark Foley (R-FL) quietly slipped into a rehab facility for alcoholism treatment last weekend. In a statement read by his attorney, Mr. Foley said, "I strongly believe I am an alcoholic and have accepted the need for immediate treatment for alcoholism and other behavioral problems." Mr. Foley, a 52-year-old bachelor who co-chaired
- [George Clooney Has Penis Envy Says Dr. Phil](https://www.pugbus.org/george-clooney-has-penis-envy-says-dr-phil/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Once again George Clooney is whining about all the attention he gets from paparazzi, and once again he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. Boy George told Vanity Fair in his usual self-important way that he has developed a "theory on debunking photographs in magazines, you know, the
- [Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn Split over Adoption Plan](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-aniston-vince-vaughn-split-over-adoption-plan/) - MALIBU - Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have separated after failing to agree about the kind of child they should adopt, reports US Weekly. Friends of the couple are saying, however, that Ms. Aniston and Mr. Vaughn could not agree on the species they should adopt. "Vince was thinking an African kid," said Mr. Vaughn's close
- [Courtney Love and Chimp Separated by Sliver of DNA](https://www.pugbus.org/courtney-love-and-chimp-separated-by-sliver-of-dna/) - BOSTON - According to reports published in the current issues of the journals Nature and Science, a new comparison of the genetic blueprints of chimpanzees and humans shows that a mere sliver of DNA separates Courtney Love and other celebrities from chimps. The controversial reports are based on a genome-mapping project funded by the National Institutes of Health
- [Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson to Star in Vagina Dialogues](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-jessica-simpson-to-star-in-vagina-dialogues/) - HOLLYWOOD - Hoping to establish themselves as mature actresses and to patch up their friendship, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson have agreed to appear in The Vagina Dialogues. The new, two-woman play by Harvard dropout Kaavya Viswanathan is scheduled to open on Broadway next summer. The Vagina Dialogues tells the story of two estranged friends whose vaginas
- [Jennifer Aniston Pregnant or in Denial about Vince Vaughn](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-aniston-pregnant-or-in-denial-about-vince-vaughn/) - CHICAGO - Jennifer Aniston is either pregnant or in denial about her breakup with Vince Vaughn, or possibly both. These conflicting reports emerged following Ms. Aniston's appearance at a taping for The Oprah Winfrey Show last week. They were provided by moles who had attended the taping at the request of several gossip magazines. "Jen sure looked
- [Windows Vista Offends Special Interest Groups](https://www.pugbus.org/windows-vista-offends-special-interest-groups/) - ATLANTA - In addition to the usual security problems, the Microsoft corporation's latest operating system, Windows Vista, has some patching to do with special interest groups. The groups' complaints arose after the latest Vista pep rally, this one during a sales-staff meeting held in Atlanta on Monday. The meeting resembled an embarrassing high school assembly
- [Paul McCartney Hit with New Abuse Charges from Heather Mills](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-hit-with-new-abuse-charges-from-heather-mills/) - Disturbing new charges of mental and emotional abuse have been leveled at Paul McCartney by his estranged second wife Heather Mills , who alleged in a thirteen-page court document—plus a newly leaked addendum—that Sir Paul McCartney was no bed-of-roses spouse. Ms. Mills claimed he once made her cancel an operation on her shorter leg because
- [Paul McCartney in Custody Fight over Heather Mills' Breasts](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-in-custody-fight-over-heather-mills-breasts/) - LONDON - The divorce battle between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills has apparently taken a turn for the strange. According to a document filed in London's High Court Thursday, and leaked to a London tabloid Thursday night, Mr. McCartney is seeking "joint custodial oversight" of Ms. Mills' breasts and "a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule." "My
- [Madonna, Oprah Give African Babies to Talk Show Audience](https://www.pugbus.org/madonna-oprah-give-african-babies-to-talk-show-audience/) - CHICAGO - Audience members at the taping of The Oprah Show yesterday expected to see Madonna explain via satellite from London why she is right and everyone who criticizes her adoption of a thirteen-month-old Malawi child is wrong. They weren't disappointed. They were surprised, however, when Oprah announced at the end of the taping that she was
- [October Surprise: President Bush Redesigns Monetary System](https://www.pugbus.org/october-surprise-president-bush-redesigns-monetary-system/) - WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush told an audience at a fundraiser here last night that he plans to redesign the United States monetary system, beginning with the ubiquitous dollar bill. Arguing that the dollar's "cheesy appearance" is responsible for its poor showing against major currencies in world financial markets, the president declared, "I have
- [Nicole Richie Celebrity Death Watch](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-richie-celebrity-death-watch/) - The pending obituary of actress and author Nicole Richie was updated this week after The Simple Life costar had checked into a treatment facility that specializes in helping celebrities to gain weight. This routine Celebrity Death Watch obituary maintenance occurs whenever a celebrity gets married, divorced, engaged, unengaged, caught cheating, outed, arrested for drunken driving, hospitalized, punched
- [Rush Limbaugh Accuses Dixie Chicks of Lip Synching](https://www.pugbus.org/rush-limbaugh-accuses-dixie-chicks-of-lip-synching/) - Conservative talk-show diva Rush Limbaugh has accused the Dixie Chicks of lip-synching “every last one of their ridiculous songs” on their Accidents and Accusations tour, which stops tonight at Toronto’s Air Canada Centre. Mr. Limbaugh leveled the charge Friday on his nationally syndicated program, just three days after suggesting that retired actor Michael J. Fox
- [NBC Was Right to Refuse Dixie Chicks Ad, Says Anne Coulter](https://www.pugbus.org/nbc-was-right-to-refuse-dixie-chicks-ad-says-anne-coulter/) - (Editor’s note: Today’s guest columnist is Anne Coulter, best-selling author and social commentator, celebrated for her gentle, good-natured way of exposing the foibles and pomposities of modern life. And yes, gentlemen, she’s the hottest pundit this side of Suze Orman. We’re delighted to have Anne with us.) NBC was right to refuse an ad for
- [Delaware Still Reeling over Reese Witherspoon, Ryan Phillippe Split](https://www.pugbus.org/delaware-still-reeling-over-reese-witherspoon-ryan-phillippe-split/) - WILMINGTON, Del. - News of the Reese Witherspoon-Ryan Phillippe breakup has sent tremors through the state of Delaware, "The Home of Tax-Free Shopping" and the birthplace of Mr. Phillippe. Throughout the First State—from Rehoboth Beach in the south, where gay congressmen and their pages frolic in the summer ocean, to Wilmington, 110 miles to the
- [Britney Spears Says Her Sons Won't Get Stuck in Iraq](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-says-her-sons-wont-get-stuck-in-iraq/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears has joined President Bush, Hillary Clinton, and the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth in demanding an apology from failed presidential candidate John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) for remarks he made at California's Pasadena City College earlier this week. In one of the first statements released since she took control of her own
- [Tom Cruise Alert: Today United Artists, Tomorrow the United States](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-alert-today-united-artists-tomorrow-the-united-states/) - LOS ANGELES - Be afraid, ye sons and daughters of Xenu. Be fearful of your fate, ye glib commentators and disciples of false prophets. Bow down, ye prescription drug addicts and practitioners of psychiatry. Tom Cruise has sucked the brains out of United Artists' corporate leaders, who have turned control of the once proud studio
- [Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Still Undecided on Wedding Date](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-still-undecided-on-wedding-date/) - LOS ANGELES - An anonymous source at Cruise/Wagner Productions reports that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes may be close to settling on a tentative wedding date, perhaps as early as this month, perhaps not. The source also revealed that the couple will most likely marry in Europe or North America, or possibly Africa. Juicy details,
- [Kirstie Alley Covers Her Butt on Oprah Show](https://www.pugbus.org/kirstie-alley-covers-her-butt-on-oprah-show/) - CHICAGO - Kirstie Ally appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show in a modified bikini yesterday to favor the world with a peek at her new body. Unfortunately, twenty or so pounds of Ms. Alley's old body were along for the perp walk. The fifty-five-year-old former actress lumbered self-consciously on stage to the tune of the Commodores' "Brick
- [Renee Zellweger Retires from Non-animated Films](https://www.pugbus.org/renee-zellweger-retires-from-non-animated-films/) - Renee Zellweger stunned Hollywood yesterday by announcing that her current project, the thriller Case 39, will be her last live-action film. In a statement released by her production company, the Bridget Jones star declared that in the future she will lend her talents only to animated features. Whether this will include television or Internet-based animation was not revealed
- [Britney Spears Divorce Coverage Angers FedEx Corporation](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-divorce-coverage-angers-fedex-corporation/) - NEW YORK - Lawyers representing the FedEx corporation announced yesterday that they are considering legal action against any member of the press who continues to use the term FedEx in reference to Britney Spears' estranged husband, dancer-turned-rapper Kevin Federline. "My company believes it has a strong cease-and-desist case against persons who refer to Mr. Federline as FedEx," said
- [Bill Cosby Settles Class Action Assualt Claims](https://www.pugbus.org/bill-cosby-settles-class-action-assualt-claims/) - PHILADELPHIA - Pitchman Bill Cosby quietly settled a class action suit with an unspecified number of women who had accused him of drugging and sexually assaulting them in his home outside Philadelphia, his lawyer revealed yesterday. Terms of the settlement were not revealed. Speaking on behalf of the contingent of women, Jane Madison Doe of
- [Rudy Giuliani Prostate Exam Reveals President Bush's Image](https://www.pugbus.org/rudy-giuliani-prostate-exam-reveals-president-bushs-image/) - CRAWFORD, Texas - A medical image taken with the latest Ham-corder technology revealed an imprint of President George W. Bush's face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's prostate. The startling image, stolen from the office of a board-certified urologist in Crawford, Texas, where Mayor Giuliani is employed in the presidential motor pool, appeared yesterday
- [Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Scientology Wedding Secrets](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-scientology-wedding-secrets/) - ROME - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exchange mood rings during a Scientology wedding ceremony this weekend at Odescalchi Castle on Lake Bracciano, twenty miles from Rome. According to a source inside the wedding party, the couple will merge their immortal thetans "for all eternity and beyond" in an Elite Ninth Level Transduction Ceremony
- [God Not Attending Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Wedding](https://www.pugbus.org/god-not-attending-tom-cruise-katie-holmes-wedding/) - VATICAN CITY - God issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that he won't attend the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because he fears his presence would turn the ceremony into a media circus. Many god watchers interpreted his absence as a snub because he is offended by sham marriages between Catholic women
- [O.J. Simpson Says Cancellation Was Prompted by Racism](https://www.pugbus.org/o-j-simpson-says-cancellation-was-prompted-by-racism/) - ORLANDO, Fla. - O.J. Simpson reacted angrily yesterday when he learned that News Corporation had decided not to broadcast two, one-hour interviews with him or to publish the how-to book he had written about the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. Hurling his golf club in disgust, the one-time
- [O.J. Simpson Book, TV Special, Calendar, Video Game Canceled](https://www.pugbus.org/o-j-simpson-book-tv-special-calendar-video-game-canceled/) - In a development that surprised absolutely nobody, every single O.J. Simpson–related media project scheduled for release this week—the book, the TV special, the calendar, and even the ill-advised video game—has been summarily canceled. A News Corporation spokesperson confirmed Monday night that the entire O.J. product line had been “sent back to creative for a long,
- [Clay Aiken, Kelly Ripa Feud Inspires "Where Was Clay's Hand" Contest](https://www.pugbus.org/clay-aiken-kelly-ripa-feud-inspires-where-was-clays-hand-contest/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - While other celebrity news sources were in a feeding frenzy, scrambling to find the latest crumbs in the Clay Aiken, Kelly Ripa, Rosie O'Donnell food fight, Postcards from the Pug Bus, the leading source of online celebrity satire in all of Southeastern Pennsylvania, was quietly pondering the seminal question in this
- [Pamela Anderson Says Kid Rock Didn't Measure Up to Tommy Lee](https://www.pugbus.org/pamela-anderson-says-kid-rock-didnt-measure-up-to-tommy-lee/) - LOS ANGELES - A tearful Pamela Anderson wrote on her website yesterday that no matter how many times she married Kid Rock, he came up short in the end compared to Tommy Lee. "I began to have my suspicions after our first wedding, the one on the yacht off St Tropez on July 29," wrote
- [Bono Cancels Clothing Line for the Fashion Impaired](https://www.pugbus.org/bono-cancels-clothing-line-for-the-fashion-impaired/) - NEW YORK - U2's lead singer, Bono, perennially one of the worst-dressed white men in the world, has announced the cancellation of the clothing line for the fashion impaired that he and his wife founded last year. Called Edun, the moderately priced clothes were designed especially for people who look as if they were dressed
- [Britney Spears Releases Twelve Days of Christmas CD](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-releases-twelve-days-of-christmas-cd/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears and K-tel Entertainment announced today that Ms. Spears' Twelve Days of Christmas CD is now available in most national discount store chains. This pop-disco-devotional work, which will not be sold via television, explores the hidden meanings of the haunting Twelve Days of Christmas carol. "We wanted to do something meaningful and danceable at the
- [Lindsay Lohan Attends DAMM Meetings](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-attends-damm-meetings/) - LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan has attended several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), a former assitant to the singer-actress revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Lohan meets with the group three or four times a week in "a couple of clubs" near the Sierra
- [The Pug Bus Rips George Clooney, Danny DeVito, Rosie O'Donnell](https://www.pugbus.org/the-pug-bus-rips-george-clooney-danny-devito-rosie-odonnell/) - LOS ANGELES - George Clooney's been on the morning squawk shows of late bragging in his insufferably smug-yet-wooden way about how he drank that poor, misshapen troll Danny DeVito under the table last week in New York's venerable Italian restaurant Scalinatella. That's some feat, Boy George. You da man! DeVito's all of four-foot-ten in his
- [Angelina Jolie Tapped by George Bush to Replace John Bolton](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-tapped-by-george-bush-to-replace-john-bolton/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - A beleaguered and increasingly irrelevant George W. Bush has tapped Angelina Jolie to replace John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Mr. Bolton, 58, a man said to have few acquaintances and fewer friends in the U.N., resigned yesterday after sixteen months on the job. He told reporters
- [Trey Anastasio Booted from Phish After Drug Bust](https://www.pugbus.org/trey-anastasio-booted-from-phish-after-drug-bust/) - Trey Anastasio, guitarist and founding member of the acclaimed jam band Phish, has been asked to leave the group following his arrest for driving under the influence of drugs, possessing drugs, and driving with a suspended license. Mr. Anastasio, 42, came to grief on Friday when he could not keep his vehicle from drifting as
- [Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn Star in Break-Up 3](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-aniston-vince-vaughn-star-in-break-up-3/) - Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who would not exist if we hadn't needed to make them up, have announced to a largely indifferent world the end of their romantic involvement—for the third damn time. At this point like who gives a flying fecal bomb? What free-thinking, self-respecting person cares whether this undynamic duo is locking
- [Britney Spears Could Lose Custody Fight](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-could-lose-custody-fight/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears may soon have the Los Angeles Department of Animal Welfare (DAW) up her recently covered butt. Sources tell our sister publication, Them Weekly, that a case worker from DAW has been trying to contact Ms. Spears since she told her husband Kevin Federline to tinkle off a month ago. "The
- [Poisoned Russian Spy Litvinenko Had Keith Richards Symptoms](https://www.pugbus.org/poisoned-russian-spy-litvinenko-had-keith-richards-symptoms/) - LONDON - When former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko died of radioactive poisoning two weeks ago, his face was a moonscape of festering boils, his eyes glowed in the dark like a cat's, and his urine sent up clouds of hissing, odiferous steam when it hit the bowl. At first British medical authorities mistook these symptoms
- [Imagine John Lennon](https://www.pugbus.org/imagine-john-lennon/) - Imagine there's no Heaven; it's easy if you try; no hell below us; above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today. Imagine there's no countries; it isn't hard to do; nothing to kill or die for and no religion too. Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say that
- [Wesley Snipes Launches Tax Advice Website](https://www.pugbus.org/wesley-snipes-launches-tax-advice-website/) - OCALA, Fla. - Wesley Snipes talked briefly with reporters yesterday after leaving the courthouse where he had just pleaded not guilty to eight counts of federal income tax fraud. The star of Jungle Fever and other films said that he was so certain of prevailing "in the face of these racially motivated charges" that he was launching
- [Lindsay Lohan Accused of Plagiarism](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-accused-of-plagiarism/) - HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan has been accused of plagiarism by an eighth grade student in Omaha, Nebraska. The student, Shelly Atwater, is a member of Miss Leopold's homeroom at John Glenn Middle School. Ms. Atwater claims that parts of her essay on educational values, which was posted on Myspace.com on November 27 as part of
- [Bush Twins Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloading](https://www.pugbus.org/bush-twins-sued-by-riaa-for-illegal-downloading/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a bold and unprecedented move the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $22.5-million lawsuit against Jenna and Barbara Bush. The Bush twins, 25, are accused of downloading more than twenty thousand music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Shareaza. "We filed this suit to show music pirates
- [Nicole Richie Arrest Sparks Recall of Mercedes-Benz Series](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-richie-arrest-sparks-recall-of-mercedes-benz-series/) - LOS ANGELES - The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight NR99 and the ultra-light weight NR85, follows close on the heels of Ms. Richie's DUI arrest earlier this week. "We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for
- [Nancy Grace Sues Tweety Bird](https://www.pugbus.org/nancy-grace-sues-tweety-bird/) - ATLANTA, Ga. - Television talk show lawyer Nancy Grace has filed a $300-million lawsuit against cartoon figure Tweety Bird. Citing extreme mental anguish, "worse even than when my old boyfriend got whacked," Ms. Grace vowed "to wipe that bird off the face of the earth so that people will finally stop saying I look like
- [Ben Affleck Quits Acting to Save Daughter](https://www.pugbus.org/ben-affleck-quits-acting-to-save-daughter/) - LOS ANGELES - Ben Affleck has vowed to give up acting for the sake of his one-year-old daughter, Violet. The star of Hollywoodland made the decision despite having been nominated for his first Golden Globe award, because "she's going to have my last name and I don't want her to mutter it over a drink. I want
- [Duke Offers Alleged Rape Victim's Baby Legacy Status   ](https://www.pugbus.org/duke-offers-alleged-rape-victims-baby-legacy-status/) - DURHAM, N.C. - Duke University has reached out to a twenty-eight-year-old student-stripper known as Precious, who claims she was verbally abused while being raped and sodomized by three members of Duke's lacrosse team at a party last March. University president Richard H. Brodhead issued a statement yesterday, "with the full faith and backing of the
- [Mel Gibson Apologizes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over Holocaust Slight](https://www.pugbus.org/mel-gibson-apologizes-to-mahmoud-ahmadinejad-over-holocaust-slight/) - MALIBU - Mel Gibson has apologized to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for failing to attend Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision, the scholarly conference that "reexamines" long-established facts about the Holocaust. The high-profile conference, hosted by President Ahmadinejad in Tehran this week, drew sixty-one participants from thirty-seven countries. A high-placed source at the conference has
- [Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, Keith Richards Birthday Quiz](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-pitt-katie-holmes-keith-richards-birthday-quiz/) - Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, and Keith Richards might seem like strange birthday bedfellows at first, but as our exclusive quiz reveals, they just might have more in common than the same birthday. Then again, they might not … or perhaps most people just do not give a spit. Whatever. Both are partnered with people who
- [Britney Spears Vows to Return Worst Dog Owner Award](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-vows-to-return-worst-dog-owner-award/) - MALIBU - An agitated Britney Spears told reporters she had not "dramatized" her dogs by having sex in front of them, and she "did-dint" deserve to be voted World's Worst Celebrity Dog Owner of 2006. What's more, she vowed, "when that doggone thing arrives, I'm sending it back." The embattled one-time singer, who banished her
- [Sylvester Stallone Says God Wrote Rocky](https://www.pugbus.org/sylvester-stallone-says-god-wrote-rocky/) - LOS ANGELES - Rocky Balboa climbing off the canvas. Jesus Christ climbing out of the tomb. Mere similarities with no causal connection? Not according to Sylvester Stallone, who told Christian leaders in a conference call yesterday that the six movies in the Rocky series are "the inspired word of God." "Rocky is Jesus, fighting the devil, who
- [Angelina Jolie Gives Free Tattoos to Refugees for Christmas](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-gives-free-tattoos-to-refugees-for-christmas/) - COSTA RICA - Crusading artistes Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt swooped into Costa Rica on Christmas day to visit the People's Tattoo Clinic, which the do-gooding couple is quietly helping to finance. The swellegant Ms. Jolie, easily the UN's hottest goodwill ambassador (no offense to Nicole Kidman intended), caused quite the stir at the Christmas
- [Rosie O'Donnell Attacks Betty Ford, James Brown](https://www.pugbus.org/rosie-odonnell-attacks-betty-ford-james-brown/) - NEW YORK - Rosie O'Donnell, basking in the attention generated by her feud with Donald Trump, has attacked Betty Ford and the late James Brown. Ms. O'Donnell, formerly a magazine editor and talk show host, and currently one-third by volume of ABC's The View, called Mrs. Ford "a whining titless wonder" during a tribute to former
- [President Bush Asked Angelina Jolie to Attend Saddam Hussein Hanging](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-asked-angelina-jolie-to-attend-saddam-hussein-hanging/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hoping to maximize the public relations bounce from the news of Saddam Hussein's hanging, President Bush had planned to ask Angelina Jolie to attend the execution of the deposed Iraqi dictator as the official representative of the United States. Unfortunately the president's top military advisors failed to calculate the time difference between
- [Britney Spears Tops Paris Hilton, You as Person of the Year](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-tops-paris-hilton-you-as-person-of-the-year/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Britney Spears is the Postcards from the Pus Bus 2006 Person of the Year. Ms. Spears captured the title hands down, and occasionally face down, and why not? Hers is easily the most recognizable face and name in the world. Not the most recognizable celebrity face and name, but the most
- [Mel Gibson to Star as Saddam Hussein in Iraq to the Future](https://www.pugbus.org/mel-gibson-to-star-as-saddam-hussein-in-iraq-to-the-future/) - MALIBU - Mel Gibson is set to star as Saddam Hussein in Iraq to the Future, a small-budget indie film about life in Iraq as it might have been if "the United States had pursued a course of diplomacy instead of destruction." Mr. Gibson will also write, produce, and direct this film. Best known for his
- [Britney Spears, Dick Clark Top New Year's Wrap Up](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-dick-clark-top-new-years-wrap-up/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears suffers from a rare form of narcolepsy. Dick Clark still talks funny. These are the top stories of the new year. What goes around keeps going around, but who's keeping score? Gossip blogs and celebrity news sources went into a feeding frenzy recently over reports that Britney Spears, 25, had
- [Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom Tops Poll](https://www.pugbus.org/indiana-jones-and-the-colonoscopy-of-doom-tops-poll/) - HOLLYWOOD - Harrison Ford denied in a conference call with AARP The Magazine yesterday that the long-awaited Indiana Jones IV is going to be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom. He did confirm, however, after years of rumors that raised more hopes than a Cialis commercial, that he is finally going to reprise his role as
- [Britney Spears Has Klaus Harmony on Her iPod](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-has-klaus-harmony-on-her-ipod/) - LOS ANGELES - If Britney Spears' finds her way back to the top of the pop music heap, she can thank Klaus Harmony, a German musician, for giving her a leg up. Known as the Mozart of Porn, Mr. Harmony was a pop star and celebrated composer of scores for erotic films who died mysteriously
- [Lindsay Lohan Says Appendix Donor "Saved My Life"](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-says-appendix-donor-saved-my-life/) - LOS ANGELES - Actress Lindsay Lohan said she owes "a debit of gratitude" to the organ donor whose appendix "saved my life." The twenty-year-old singer-actress was admitted to Century Park Hospital on Thursday after medical tests performed the previous day had indicated she was suffering from appendicitis. "I decided to have my appendix replaced before
- [Angelina Jolie Offended by Virgin Mary Wal-Mart Painting](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-offended-by-virgin-mary-wal-mart-painting/) - LOS ANGELES - Angelina Jolie is offended by a painting that depicts her as the Virgin Mary hovering in a cloud over a Wal-Mart checkout line. The painting, called "Twelve Items or Less," was executed by Kate Kretz, an obscure North Carolina artist best known until now for her painting of Richard Petty hovering in
- [Bindi Irwin Is the Next Britney Spears](https://www.pugbus.org/bindi-irwin-is-the-next-britney-spears/) - LOS ANGELES - Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late Australian "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, is being groomed for super-stardom, say entertainment industry insiders, who see her as the second coming of Britney Spears. The scarily self-assured Ms. Irwin, 8, launches her American showbiz career this week with a series of high-profile television appearances and record
- [Jessica Simpson Wants to Adopt a Pillow Angel](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-wants-to-adopt-a-pillow-angel/) - LOS ANGELES - Jessica Simpson read the news today, oh boy, and now the singer-actress wants to adopt a pillow angel. Ms. Simpson had been interested in adopting a child formerly, but after scoring poorly on a questionnaire sent to her by an adoption agency in Tijuana, Mexico, she became dispirited. Recently, however, Ms. Simpson has been
- [Keith Urban Tour Sponsored by O'Doul's](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-urban-tour-sponsored-by-odouls/) - NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Keith Urban, fresh out of a three-month residency for alcohol abuse treatment at the Betty Ford clinic, will ease back into drinking on stage again with a short run of club shows in the United Kingdom and Germany beginning in April. Paul Freundlich, the country singer's publicist, confirmed that the shows will
- [Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab for Remedial English](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-enters-rehab-for-remedial-english/) - LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan, whose grammar-challenged BlackBerry messages had all of Hollywood wondering if English was her first language, checked herself into a remedial writing-and-spelling program at an undisclosed location yesterday. The actress issued the following statement through her representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik: "I have made a Proactiv decision to seek adequite help. I
- [Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-taking-toll-on-brad-pitt-2/) - LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's few remaining friends in show business are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor (left). They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston two years ago, now looks every minute of
- [Paula Abdul Suffering from Rare Disease](https://www.pugbus.org/paula-abdul-suffering-from-rare-disease/) - LOS ANGELES - Paula Abdul, who is behaving queerly again during televised interviews, suffers from a rare disease that frequently makes her look and act as if she were on the last day of a three-day bender. According to the American Idol judge's private internist, Sydney Lumberra, M.D., Ms. Abdul is afflicted with paradoxical complex, simple regional-and-local
- [Brad Pitt Furious over Oscar Snub for Babel](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-pitt-furious-over-oscar-snub-for-babel/) - Brad Pitt, whose gritty performance carried the tiresome, over long Babel to seven Oscar nominations, including best direction by a Mexican who once worked as a disk jockey, is furious. Mr. Pitt is the one bright spot in Alejandro Jose Gonzalez Jiminez Inarritu's bombastic "message" flick, yet nearly everyone associated with that self-absorbed mess except Mr. Pitt
- [Jennifer Aniston Settles Lawsuit with Mrs. Coffee](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-aniston-settles-lawsuit-with-mrs-coffee/) - LOS ANGELES - Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston has settled a multimillion-dollar lawsuit filed against her by Mrs. Coffee, wife of the popular coffee-making icon Mr. Coffee. The suit, filed early last year in Los Angeles, named Ms. Aniston as "the principal contributing factor" in the Coffees' bitter divorce. Both parties are forbidden by the terms of
- [Barbaro, Exhausted by Clichés, Gives Up the Good Fight](https://www.pugbus.org/barbaro-exhausted-by-cliches-gives-up-the-good-fight/) - UNIONVILLE, PA--Barbaro had the heart of a champion, an iron-clad will, and a look in his eye that told the world he knew just how special he was, but in the end the clichés proved too much for even such a gallant warrior as he. For 254 days the game runner fought back valiantly against
- [Jessica Simpson Flubs John Mayer Lyrics at Concert](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-flubs-john-mayer-lyrics-at-concert/) - MIAMI - Poor Jessica Simpson. Language just doesn't seem to be her strong suit. The Employee of the Month star was dancing in the wings at a John Mayer concert this week, singing along happily while her newest beau entertained cheering fans. Trouble was, she got many of the lyrics wrong. "It was a hoot," said one
- [Will Katie Holmes See Her Thetan on Groundhog Day?](https://www.pugbus.org/will-katie-holmes-see-her-thetan-on-groundhog-day/) - BEVERLY HILLS - Tomorrow morning at six o'clock Katie Holmes will emerge from her bunker in Tom Cruise' mansion in Beverly Hills. Wearing only a full-length body stocking and unaccompanied for the moment by Posh Spice Beckham, she will stand facing east, arms held loosely at her sides, and hold her breath for ten seconds.
- [God Scorns Windows Vista, Sues Microsoft](https://www.pugbus.org/god-scorns-windows-vista-sues-microsoft/) - HEAVEN - Windows Vista, Microsoft's controversial new operating system, has incurred the wrath of God. The Supreme Power User, operating through his purchasing agent, the Holy Spirit, was one of the first to buy Vista when it went on sale Tuesday. He paid $299 (US) for the Vista Ultimate upgrade, the most powerful of Vista's
- [Ryan O'Neal Attacks Son over Mac Ads](https://www.pugbus.org/ryan-oneal-attacks-son-over-mac-ads/) - MALIBU - Ryan O'Neal allegedly threatened his son, Griffin, 42, following a dispute concerning the ads for Mac computers that portray PC users as hopeless dorks. The elder O'Neal, 65, was subsequently arrested on suspicion of assault and a firearm offense after a long-running family argument over the merits of the Mac versus the PC
- [Jessica Simpson Split with Nick Lachey Fueled by Klaus Harmony](https://www.pugbus.org/jessica-simpson-split-with-nick-lachey-fueled-by-klaus-harmony/) - NEW YORK - Jessica Simpson told Elle magazine that the music of German composer Klaus Harmony was "the tripping point" in her relationship with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. In an interview that appears in the March issue of Elle, Ms. Simpson said that discovering Mr. Harmony's music "opened me up to the possibilities of life and allowed me
- [Anna Nicole Smith Dies, O.J. Simpson Plans Book](https://www.pugbus.org/anna-nicole-smith-dies-o-j-simpson-plans-book/) - HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - Anna Nicole Smith was found "unresponsive" by her private nurse in a Florida hotel room on Thursday. The thirty-nine-year-old celebrity was taken to a hospital where she later died. O.J. Simpson does not believe she died of natural or pharmaceutical causes. Mr. Simpson, one of this country's leading amateur criminologists, told THEM Weekly that
- [Dixie Chicks Sweep Grammies, Ban Country Music Stations](https://www.pugbus.org/dixie-chicks-sweep-grammies-ban-country-music-stations/) - LOS ANGELES - After sweeping the top three categories at the 49th annual Grammy Awards last night, the Dixie Chicks announced they would "sue the (butt) off" any country music radio station that reversed a ban on the Chicks' music and started playing their songs again. "Those hog heads had their chance," said Chicks' lead
- [Anna Nicole Smith Rejected at Heavenly Gate](https://www.pugbus.org/anna-nicole-smith-rejected-at-heavenly-gate/) - NORTH POLE - An emergency Council of Supreme Beings session determined yesterday that the soul of recently departed celebrity Anna Nicole Smith had failed to qualify for an eternal reward. According to a source present at the meeting, the soul of Ms. Smith, who died last week of a lethal combination of drugs, alcohol, and
- [First Anna Nicole Smith Sightings Reported](https://www.pugbus.org/first-anna-nicole-smith-sightings-reported/) - HOLLYWOOD, Fla. - Anna Nicole Smith was spotted by a grieving fan at a local convenience store early this morning. Ms. Smith, who died on February 8 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, was seen approaching the ATM at the Winn-Dixie store in the Emerald Woods Plaza. "I recognized her as
- [Britney Spears Reveals Why She Shaved Her Head](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-explains-why-she-shaved-her-head/) - Britney Spears reveals that she is hell bent on becoming the Caucasian answer to Mike Tyson. Just as Iron Mike took a sledgehammer to his boxing career, reducing himself from puncher to punch line, Ms. Spears seems intent on merdeting the bed at every turn. Most recently the mercurial Ms. Spears cut out of Eric
- [Other Numbers Critical of The Number 23](https://www.pugbus.org/other-numbers-critical-of-the-number-23/) - NEW YORK - The approaching release of The Number 23, starring Jim Carey and Virginia Madsen, has created a furor in the ranks of the normally staid numerical community. The advance publicity for this brooding psychological thriller, which opens Friday, February 23, figures to turn 23 into a cult phenomenon, and that is sure to dominate
- [Britney Spears Quits Rehab, May Flee to Namibia](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-quits-rehab-may-flee-to-namibia/) - Britney Spears Quits Rehab after completing a one-day stint yesterday. She spent a restful night in the Christian Slater suite at Promises-by-the-Sea, chatting with friends on her cell phone and ordering in pizza. The one-time pop star summoned a car service at 8:00 a.m. and headed for the nearest tattoo parlor, apparently forgetting that people
- [Angelina Jolie Accepts Oscar for Klaus Harmony](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-accepts-oscar-for-klaus-harmony/) - LOS ANGELES - Angelina Jolie lent a much needed touch of spice to last night's Oscar awards snooze fest. The thirty-one-year-old Tomb Raider star brought the audience out of its slumber when she appeared late in the proceedings via satellite to accept a lifetime achievement award for Klaus Harmony, the legendary erotic film score composer known as
- [Anna Nicole Smith Funeral Will Be Televised on C-SPAN2](https://www.pugbus.org/anna-nicole-smith-funeral-will-be-televised-on-c-span2/) - WASHINGTON - The much-delayed funeral of Anna Nicole Smith will be televised live on C-SPAN2 tomorrow. Scheduled programs, beginning with "Press Freedoms in the Former Soviet Republic" at 7:00 a.m., will be preempted in order to provide day-long coverage of what promises to be the most talked about funeral in the recent history of the
- [Britney Spears Returning to Kabbalah](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-returning-to-kabbalah/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears wants to return to the practice of Kabbalah. During an intense week in rehab at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that her life began to unravel last spring after she had announced on her website that she was quits with Kabbalah. "I never shoulda did that," Ms.
- [Britney Spears Is the Antichrist, Says Noted Exorcist](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-is-the-antichrist-says-noted-exorcist/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears' claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New York. Father LeBar, a veteran of more than forty exorcisms, observed Ms. Spears yesterday at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre. He was shaken by what he saw. "There's no doubt in my
- [Paul McCartney Breaks Silence about Heather Mills](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-breaks-silence-about-heather-mills/) - LONDON - A bitter Paul McCartney has finally taken the rag out of his mouth, ending a self-imposed gag order regarding his estranged wife, Heather Mills. During the weekend, the former cute Beatle spoke with Flora duMal of The Daily Mirror at Abbey Road studios, where he is recording "She Used to Do It in the Road,"
- [Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Adoption Request Denied](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-adoption-request-denied/) - NEW ORLEANS - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have failed in their latest attempt to add to their rainbow family. The actor-activist couple learned yesterday that a New Orleans animal shelter had denied their request to adopt a three-month-old Labrador retriever puppy. The shelter's refusal came as a shock to Brangelina watchers, who assumed that
- [Sarah Silverman Snub Has God Lovers Fuming](https://www.pugbus.org/sarah-silverman-snub-has-god-lovers-fuming/) - NEW YORK - Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God's followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman's morning-after kiss off, seen last week on the season's finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass–something she apparently
- [Brad Delp Memorialized by Burger King](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-delp-memorialized-by-burger-king/) - NEW YORK - Former Boston singer Brad Delp will be honored by the Burger King corporation, a company spokesman said yesterday. Bill Pitt, regional manager for Burger King's New England stores, said the company made the decision following reports that Mr. Delp had died from carbon monoxide poisoning "after shutting himself inside a bathroom with
- [LSU's Pokey Chatman Remembered as Hands-on Coach](https://www.pugbus.org/lsus-pokey-chatman-remembered-as-hands-on-coach/) - BATON ROUGE, La. - Recently resigned LSU women's basketball coach Dana "Pokey" Chatman, 37, will be remembered as a hands-on coach, said a trio of former players. "She worked her fingers to the bone, and she expected the same from you," said Tymeka Jones. "Yet despite being a strict disciplinarian, she wasn't afraid to show
- [Bong Hits 4 Jesus Rallies Planned](https://www.pugbus.org/bong-hits-4-jesus-rallies-planned/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - A nationwide series of Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies, sponsored by the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), kicks off at 4:20 p.m. this Saturday in Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. The rallies are designed to focus public attention on the Bong Hits 4 Jesus case,
- [John Edwards in Danger of Losing Sympathy Vote](https://www.pugbus.org/john-edwards-in-danger-of-losing-sympathy-vote/) - NEW YORK - John Edwards may have squandered the sympathy vote already with his remarks during a 60 Minutes interview with Katie Couric, which was taped Saturday in Las Vegas and aired last night. Prior to his 60 Minutes appearance, several polls had indicated a shift in the sympathy vote toward Mr. Edwards, a former senator and vice presidential
- [Angelina Jolie Adoption Spree Inspires New SAT Questions](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-adoption-spree-inspires-new-sat-questions/) - PRINCETON, N.J. - Angelina Jolie's mad-brained adoption behavior has inspired the Educational Testing Service (ETS) in Princeton, New Jersey, to add several new questions to the mathematics portion of its venerable Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). An official at ETS said the Jolie questions were part of an attempt to overhaul the SAT in order to
- [Hillary Clinton Benefits from Selfless Vilsack Move](https://www.pugbus.org/hillary-clinton-benefits-from-selfless-vilsack-move/) - DES MOINES, Iowa - Hillary Clinton will reap the benefit of "a selfless political decision" by her one time presidential rival, former two-term Iowa governor Thomas Vilsack. Governor Vilsack, 56, demonstrated "statesmanlike vision" by dropping out of the presidential race last month, said a press release issued from the governor's campaign head-quarters, and now he
- [Angelina Jolie Adoption Reaches Milestone](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-adoption-reaches-milestone/) - FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - Angelina Jolie is a long way from breaking Mia Farrow's parenting record—four biological and ten or eleven adopted kids—but the Tomb Raider star takes a back seat to nobody when it comes to adopting highways. While the media focused on Ms. Jolie's three adoptions and one natural birth during the last five years, she
- [Lindsay Lohan Vows to Stay the Course](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-vows-to-stay-the-course/) - LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan, like her favorite president, George W. Bush, is determined to stay the course. Although Britney Spears has moved on from flashing her bunny to attending church with a posse of armed thugs—and Paris Hilton is more worried about jail time than face time these days—Ms. Lohan is determined to rid
- [Pornography Merchants Hail Internet Smut Ruling](https://www.pugbus.org/pornography-merchants-hail-internet-smut-ruling/) - CORNISH FLATS, N.H. - Adult Internet content, which includes but is not limited to bumping uglies in pairs and in groups, bestiality, pedophilia, necrophilia, and the Bush twins' webcam, will not get its own dot-xxx address on the World Wide Web; and the folks who merchant this sort of entertainment could not be happier. "Let
- [Chocolate Jesus Part Stolen, Display Canceled](https://www.pugbus.org/chocolate-jesus-penis-stolen-display-canceled/) - Someone stole a key component from the nude, anatomically ambitious chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where the exhibition was to have taken place.
- [Ohio State's Greg Oden Out of NCAA Title Game](https://www.pugbus.org/ohio-states-greg-oden-out-of-ncaa-title-game/) - ATLANTA - Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden has been declared ineligible for tonight's NCAA championship game with the University of Florida. NCAA officials, acting on a tip, visited Mr. Oden's MySpace page on the Internet, where they found a picture of a birthday cake with forty candles on it. Beneath the cake was the
- [Anna Nicole Smith's Daughter Identifies Her Father](https://www.pugbus.org/anna-nicole-smiths-daughter-identifies-her-father/) - NASSAU, Bahamas - Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn, spoke her first word yesterday, and the news was not good for Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, or Frederic Prince von Anhalt—all of whom claim to be her father. The word Dannielynn spoke was dada, and the person to whom she spoke it was Gareth Huffmann, a pool
- [Keith Richards Snorted His Cat's Ashes](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-richards-snorted-his-cats-ashes/) - NEW YORK - Rolling Stones rhythm guitarist Keith Richards angrily denied a report that he had snorted his late father's ashes. During a chance meeting with Rolling Stone magazine's AARP correspondent, Anthony D. Curtis, in the men's room of a New York City nightclub, Mr. Richards called the report "a load of bollocks" and said was going
- [Anna Nicole Smith Case to Be Decided by American Idol Voters](https://www.pugbus.org/anna-nicole-smith-case-to-be-decided-by-american-idol-voters/) - NASSAU, The Bahamas - The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge declared yesterday. Beginning with next Tuesday's show, viewers will choose among lawyer Howard K. Stern, 38, photographer Larry Birkhead, 34, Zsa Zsa Gabor's eighth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, 64,
- [Sluggish Vista Users Will Be Patched by Microsoft](https://www.pugbus.org/sluggish-vista-users-will-be-patched-by-microsoft/) - REDMOND, Wash. - The Microsoft Corporation has responded swiftly to complaints from Windows Vista users who reported feeling sluggish after upgrading to the new operating system. Yesterday the Redmond giant released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Vista users by Microsoft-validated physicians. "The HOW starts now," declared Microsoft co-founder
- [Tom Cruise Challenges Global Warming Report](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-challenges-global-warming-report/) - LOS ANGELES - Tom Cruise dismissed the global warming report issued by the United Nations as "a load of pseudo-scientific hooey" that offers "temporary bromides" instead of real solutions to the world's temperature increases. Addressing a group of reporters at his son's baseball game yesterday afternoon, Mr. Cruise demanded to know how many actually had
- [Don Imus Fundraiser Spotlights Presidential Pardon](https://www.pugbus.org/don-imus-fundraiser-spotlights-presidential-pardon/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Less than twenty-four hours after MSNBC had fired radio personality Don Imus for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," President Bush granted Mr. Imus an executive pardon. The text of President Bush's pardon was read on the air by Mr. Imus at the conclusion of his fundraiser this morning. "I
- [Don Imus Pardoned by President Bush](https://www.pugbus.org/don-imus-pardoned-by-president-bush/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former MSNBC personality Don Imus was pardoned by President Bush yesterday in a surprising exercise of executive privilege. The timing of the pardon was unusual. Outgoing presidents generally issue pardons on their last day in office right before catching the helicopter out of Washington. Some observers are speculating, therefore, that by acting
- [Paul Wolfowitz Credit Card Recalled by World Bank](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-wolfowitz-credit-card-recalled-by-world-bank/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - A source at the World Bank has confirmed that the controversial Paul Wolfowitz credit card will be recalled. The announcement came after the World Bank's twenty-four-member executive board met in a catered, sleep-over session last night on a yacht in the Potomac River. "Mr. Wolfowitz' use of the credit card to obtain
- [Don Imus to Star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain](https://www.pugbus.org/don-imus-to-star-with-tom-cruise-in-talkback-mountain/) - LOS ANGELES - Former on-air personality Don Imus has been tipped to star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain, the story of a radio talk show host of the same name who is run out of a small Western town after he mocks the sheriff's handicapped daughter during a live remote from the town's annual chili
- [Governor Jon Corzine Crash Site Memorial Grows](https://www.pugbus.org/governor-jon-corzine-crash-site-memorial-grows/) - GALLOWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. - When New Jersey governor Jon Corzine was bouncing around inside his official SUV about six o'clock last Thursday night, like a rag doll in a Kenmore dryer, he couldn't know that the site of his accident, Mile Marker 43.5 on the Garden State Parkway, would become the latest shrine erected by
- [Britney Spears Denies That She's Broke](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-denies-that-shes-broke/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears is broke. Months of non-stop drinking and shopping, coupled with binge eating, purging, and serious brown Persian heroin and cocaine abuse have depleted her resources; and now the former pop star, 25, has finally gone belly up, insiders say. "Britney just don't work no more," said Ms. Spears' cousin Allie. "I
- [Virginia Tech Shootings Prompt NRA to Arm College Students](https://www.pugbus.org/virginia-tech-shootings-prompt-nra-to-arm-college-students/) - FAIRFAX, Vir. - The shootings at Virginia Tech University this week have inspired the NRA (National Rifle Association) to draft a plan to prevent similar mass murders on college campuses. The NRA proposal, called No Student Left Unarmed, would require every college student in the United States to carry the firearm of his or her
- [Microsoft Offers Windows Vista Free to Good Homes](https://www.pugbus.org/microsoft-offers-windows-vista-free-to-good-homes/) - REDMOND, Wash. - Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, "free to good homes." An official at Microsoft said the company had decided to take this unprecedented step because there are too many copies of Vista upgrades getting underfoot and running up boarding fees in
- [Virginia Tech Shooter Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloads](https://www.pugbus.org/virginia-tech-shooter-sued-by-riaa-for-illegal-downloads/) - NEW YORK - The estate of Cho Seung-Hui, the former Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two people last week, has been sued by the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America ) for illegally downloading more than ten thousand songs. The $100-million suit, $10,000 per song times ten thousand songs, is believed to be the largest
- [Sheryl Crow's Cat Demands More Litter Paper](https://www.pugbus.org/sheryl-crows-cat-demands-more-litter-paper/) - LOS ANGELES - Sheryl Crow's cat, Biodiesel, has gone missing, apparently in protest over the singer's stingy attitude regarding the paper in his litter pan. Sources close to Biodiesel told Cat Fancy magazine that the five-year-old neutered male had become despondent after Ms. Crow had replaced his normal litter with a few scraps of cut-up old newspaper
- [Rosie O'Donnell Replaced by Don Imus on The View            ](https://www.pugbus.org/rosie-odonnell-replaced-by-don-imus-on-the-view/) - NEW YORK - Rosie O'Donnell is giving her seat on The View to Don Imus as of June 1, a source close to the show said this morning. The move, which promises to be the most talked about development in television since the Katie Couric Photoshopped-image scandal, caught critics with their laptops down. "Nobody saw that one
- [Willie Nelson Avoids Jail After Policeman Can't Remember Bust](https://www.pugbus.org/willie-nelson-avoids-jail-after-policeman-cant-remember-bust/) - ST. MARTINVILLE, La. - Willie Nelson avoided jail when the policeman who had cited him for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms last September 18 told a judge yesterday that he "had no recollection" of the incident."Yer honor, I cain't say as I ever seen this man before," said the policeman, who was placed on
- [Hugh Grant Arrested for Spilling the Beans at Photographer](https://www.pugbus.org/hugh-grant-arrested-for-spilling-the-beans-at-photographer/) - LONDON - Hugh Grant was arrested and questioned by police yesterday after he had allegedly littered the road near his West London house with the contents of a tub of baked beans he had hurled at a photographer. The vicious attack, one of the worst cases of littering in recent Chelsea history, is said to
- [Lindsay Lohan Falls in NFL Draft](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-falls-in-nfl-draft/) - NEW YORK - Lindsay Lohan, once considered the potential number one pick in this year's NFL draft, lingered on the board yesterday like a dingleberry on a donkey's butt until she was finally selected by the Cleveland Browns with the twenty-second pick in the first round. Questions about Ms. Lohan's work ethic, intelligence, and her
- [Al Gore Says Breast Feeding Deters Global Warming](https://www.pugbus.org/al-gore-says-breast-feeding-deters-global-warming/) - NEW YORK - Former vice president Al Gore believes breast feeding can play a significant role in deterring the rise of global warming. Speaking yesterday afternoon at the Earth Institute's annual solar picnic in New York's Central Park, Mr. Gore declared, "If one out of two mothers in developed countries were to breast feed their
- [Immigration Rallies Marred by Disappointing Flag Sales](https://www.pugbus.org/immigration-rallies-marred-by-disappointing-flag-sales/) - DENVER - Immigration rallies held across the United States yesterday failed to attract the large crowds that marked last year's events or to generate the healthy sales of American flags seen last year.In Denver, for example, 75,000 people marched in 2006, but only ten thousand demonstrated yesterday, said organizers, while Denver police put the number
- [Hillary Clinton to Explain Why She's on DC Madam's List](https://www.pugbus.org/hillary-clinton-to-explain-why-shes-on-dc-madams-list/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow morning at which she is expected to explain why her name appears on the client list of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the notorious DC madam. Ms. Clinton hastily called the press conference today after The Drudge Report had claimed that her
- [Microsoft to Begin Shipping Windows Linux Ubuntu](https://www.pugbus.org/microsoft-to-begin-shipping-windows-linux-ubuntu/) - REDMOND, Wash. - Software giant Microsoft announced yesterday that it will begin shipping its newest operating system, Windows Linux Ubuntu, by the end of this month. Computers sold with this free, open-source operating system pre-installed will cost, on average, $149.95 fewer than computers sold with Windows Vista Service Pack 9 pre-installed. Microsoft's announcement caught computer-industry
- [Nicole Kidman Outfits Keith Urban with Alcohol Monitor](https://www.pugbus.org/nicole-kidman-outfits-keith-urban-with-alcohol-monitor/) - NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Nicole Kidman has fitted her alcoholic husband Keith Urban with a microchip, hoping to accomplish with technology what she couldn't accomplish with sex, mandatory rehab, or pregnancy threats. The device, a transponder actually, was implanted between Mr. Urban's shoulder blades before he embarked on his O'Doul's Amber Waves of Grain Tour last
- [Paris Hilton Exclusive Jail Sentence Interview](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-exclusive-jail-sentence-interview/) - LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton has been sentenced to forty-five days in a county jail for violating the terms of her drunk-driving probation by operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license. The twenty-six-year-old celebutant, who showed up fifteen minutes late for her scheduled court appearance yesterday, has until June 5 to report to the
- [Paris Hilton Begs President Bush for Pardon](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-begs-president-bush-for-pardon/) - LOS ANGELES - A desperate Paris Hilton has faxed a personal request to President George W. Bush, asking him to set aside her jail sentence "for the sake of all the poor, less fortunate people in our country." The twenty-six-year-old celebrity was ordered by a Los Angeles judge on Friday to do forty-five days hard
- [Paris Hilton Fired Publicist, Astrologer, Chef](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-fires-publicist-astrologer-chef/) - Paris Hilton, 26, has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. Paris Hilton Fired Publicist, Astrologer, Chef, said a recent headline, in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, "I'm going to start paying attention to everything from now
- [Angelina Jolie to Replace Paul Wolfowitz at World Bank](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-to-replace-paul-wolfowitz-at-world-bank/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Angelina Jolie has been tapped to replace Paul Wolfowitz as president of the World Bank. President Bush is expected to delay making the formal announcement until early next week, however, in order to give Mr. Wolfowitz time to gild his parachute, and Mr. Bush time to prepare for his Saturday Night Live appearance with
- [Antonella Barba Enters Rehab](https://www.pugbus.org/antonella-barba-enters-rehab/) - WARMINSTER, Penna. - After being sent down by American Idol voters last night, Antonella Barba announced through her publicist that she would enter the Bucks County Hospital in Warminster, Pennsylvania, this weekend to begin treatment for an unspecified condition. Bloggers across the United States responded to this announcement wth a collective chubby, tripping all over their keyboards
- [Alert Clerk Foils Fort Dix Delivery from Allah](https://www.pugbus.org/alert-clerk-foils-fort-dix-delivery-from-allah/) - FORT Dix, N.J. - Another alert clerk has foiled an attempt to compromise United States interests at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey. The clerk, whose name is being withheld at the request of military officials, works at a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware. The unnamed clerk became suspicious when a bearded man
- [President Bush Hails Killing of One-Legged Taliban Leader](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-hails-killing-of-one-legged-taliban-leader/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush hailed the killing of the Taliban's top one-legged military strategist, Mullah Dadullah, as a "sure sign" the United States "has turned the corner" in the war on handicapped terrorists. "In the end, like all handicapped enemies of freedom, [Dadullah] didn't have a leg to stand on," said the
- [Tony Soprano Will Die in Final Harry Potter Book](https://www.pugbus.org/tony-soprano-will-die-in-final-harry-potter-book/) - LONDON - According to someone named "Christopher" writing on The Leaky Cauldron website, Tony Soprano will die in the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. "Tony lures Furio Giunta back from Italy in order to get revenge on him," writes Christopher, "because Tony's had a hard on for Furio ever since Carmella
- [Keith Richards Praises Hair Club for Men at Pirates Premiere](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-richards-praises-hair-club-for-men-at-pirates-premiere/) - ANAHEIM, Calif. - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards showed up last night for the world premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, but all he wanted to talk about was the Hair Club for Men. Each time he paused on the red carpet to ask directions to the theater, Mr. Richards spoke of the
- [Paris Hilton Blames Mother for Monks' Mandala Massacre](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-blames-mother-for-monks-mandala-massacre/) - HOLLYWOOD - Sri Paris Hilton said yesterday that "God will punish" the mother of the little boy who turfed a sand mandala on the floor of the Union Station in Kansas City, Missouri. Ms. Hilton, who has begun calling herself Sri Paris as a consequence of her "recent spiritual experiences," talked with paparazzi outside the
- [Madeline McCann Parents Begin World Tour with Visit to Pope](https://www.pugbus.org/madeline-mccann-parents-begin-world-tour-with-visit-to-pope/) - LONDON - The parents of Madeline McCann will launch the European leg of their world tour with a visit to Pope Benedict on Wednesday, Mojo magazine announced in the "Scene & Noted" section of its website today (May 28). Kate and Gerry McCann, whose daughter went missing on May 3 after they had left her and her
- [Lindsay Lohan Model Recalled by Mercedes-Benz](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-model-recalled-by-mercedes-benz/) - MONTVALE, N.J. - Mercedes-Benz USA is recalling its Lindsay Lohan SL65 model. The most powerful production SL model offered by Mercedes, the SL65 features a 604-horsepower, twin-turbocharged V-12 engine and more overall modifications than Joan Rivers. The recall was not unexpected in view of the Lohan SL65's collision with a curb and several trees in
- [Zoellick at World Bank Is Not Just Another Pretty Face](https://www.pugbus.org/zoellick-at-world-bank-is-not-just-another-pretty-face/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Robert Zoellick, whom President Bush has nominated to head the World Bank, was chosen largely because "he is not just another pretty face," said a White House source yesterday. According to the source, President Bush "learned his lesson the hard way" after Paul Wolfowitz had made one too many unauthorized deposits in
- [Paul McCartney CD Rocks the Home Shopping Network](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-cd-rocks-the-home-shopping-network/)
- [Paul McCartney Tea Flavor Coming to Starbucks](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-tea-flavor-coming-to-starbucks/) - SEATTLE - Starbucks will introduce McTwee, a new flavor of camellia sinensis, commonly known as tea, as part of its upcoming International Paul McCartney Day celebrations on Tuesday June 5. In addition to playing Mr. McCartney's new CD, Memory Almost Full, all day long at more then ten thousand Starbucks outlets in twenty-nine countries and territories
- [Rudy Giuliani Dies in Sopranos Final Episode](https://www.pugbus.org/rudy-giuliani-dies-in-sopranos-final-episode/) - NEW YORK - Republican presidential candidate Rudolph "Rudy the Skull" Giuliani meets an untimely fate in the final episode of The Sopranos. The former New York mayor is gunned down while dining at Umberto's, a restaurant popular with mobsters, in the city's Little Italy section. According to Ralph "Jimmy the Fish" Pescatore, who portrays Mr. Giuliani
- [Paris Hilton's Medical Condition a Gripping Saga](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hiltons-medical-condition-a-gripping-saga/) - LOS ANGELES - A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton "a danger to herself and to other inmates" at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence for violating the conditions of
- [President Bush Taps Jessica Simpson for Educational Position](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-taps-jessica-simpson-for-educational-position/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - When President Bush returns to Washington early this week, he is expected to name Jessica Simpson as the face of his newest educational initiative: No Child Left Unpaid. Desperate to claim any success before his administration is consigned to the merdeheap of history, and to demonstrate that he, too, can nail celebrity
- [A&E Promises Better Sopranos Ending](https://www.pugbus.org/ae-promises-better-sopranos-ending/) - NEW YORK - An executive for the A&E Television Network promises that its version of The Sopranos final episode, "Made in America," originally broadcast on HBO last Sunday, "will be much more satisfying" than David Chase's ambiguous closing that left so many viewers with their skivvies up their cracks. "This is still a Christian nation, thank God,"
- [Tony Soprano Sighting Reported in New Jersey](https://www.pugbus.org/tony-soprano-sighting-reported-in-new-jersey/) - NEWARK, N.J. - Tony Soprano was sighted late Tuesday night leaving Satin Dolls, the gentlemen's club on Route 17 in Lodi, New Jersey, where scenes that took place at the Bada Bing strip joint in The Sopranos had been filmed. "He looked good, man," said Mario Fenestra, who reported the sighting to the Newark Star Ledger, the newspaper
- [Sopranos Ending Debated by Republican Presidential Candidates](https://www.pugbus.org/sopranos-ending-debated-by-republican-presidential-candidates/) - QUEENS, N.Y. - The ending of "Made in America," the final episode of The Sopranos, was the sole topic of discussion last night at a debate among the Republican presidential candidates. The freewheeling, one-hour discussion, moderated by William F. Buckley Jr., was held on a darkened HBO sound stage at an undisclosed location. The candidates were
- [Lindsay Lohan Drinking Guide](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-drinking-guide/) - LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan and her culturally challenged publicity whore of a mother are gearing up to celebrate the younger Lohan's coming of age, a rite of passage to be observed with all the pomp and circumstance befitting an event of its stature on July 2 through 6 at Caesars Palace's Pure nightclub in
- [Britney Spears News Blackout Urged by Satire Website](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-news-blackout-urged-by-satire-website/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading celebrity satire website, has called for a Britney Spears news blackout. Site founder and editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, threw down the gauntlet yesterday afternoon, frightening his Boston terrier and nearly spilling a tall decaf latte in the process. "We haven't written about
- [Queen Elizabeth 2 Moving to Dubai](https://www.pugbus.org/queen-elizabeth-2-moving-to-dubai/) - DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - Queen Elizabeth 2, the majestic traveler who inspired millions of people around the world during her fifty-five year reign, has been sold to a Dubai-owned company for $100 million. Istithmar, the state-owned company that purchased QE2, as she is known to her many admirers, plans to restore the venerable monarch
- [Summer Solstice a Gas, Gas, Gas in Amish Country](https://www.pugbus.org/summer-solstice-a-gas-gas-gas-in-amish-country/) - NEW HOLLAND, Penna. - Members of the Six-fingered Amish Church of the Propane Redeemer in New Holland, Pennsylvania, celebrated the Third Annual Summer Stoltzfus today. The celebration, which began at 2:46 a.m. and will last until sundown, is designed to counteract the "pagan influence" of Summer Solstice festivals held across the United States. The venerable
- [Paris Hilton Interview Denied by Jesus](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-interview-denied-by-jesus/) - LOS ANGELES - Hoping to preempt Paris Hilton's sure-to-come assertion that it was her discovery of Jesus Christ, and Mr. Christ's discovery of her, that got her through those long nights in prison, Mr. Christ has emailed a statement to the Los Angeles Times. The email, from yaweh333@yahoo.com, arrived at the newspaper's editorial office late yesterday afternoon.
- [President Bush Unpopular Even Among Illegal Immigrants](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-unpopular-even-among-illegal-immigrants/) - LOS ANGELES - The immigration debate, which has divided the Republican party, has divided illegal immigrants, too, with a slight majority of them believing President George W. Bush should be allowed to remain in the White House even though he "sneaked in through the back door." By a six-to-five margin, illegal immigrants interviewed at rallies
- [Angelina Jolie Blames Lack of Nudity for Movie Failure](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-blames-lack-of-nudity-for-movie-failure/) - NEW ORLEANS - Angelina Jolie believes the decision to eliminate her nude, steamy sex scenes from A Mighty Heart "cost this extremely important, serious movie the audience that it and I deserved." A Mighty Heart describes the search for Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, who was kidnapped and ultimately beheaded in Pakistan five years ago. An ardently sensitive film
- [Paris Hilton Finds God in Jail, Starts Her Own Hotline](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-finds-god-in-jail-starts-her-own-hotline/) - LOS ANGELES - Like many prisoners with time on their hands, Paris Hilton found god in jail. Ms. Hilton, 26, made the lord's acquaintance in the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, California, where she served most of a twenty-three day sentence for violating the terms of her drunk-driving probation by operating a motor vehicle
- [Paris Hilton Snags Larry King Interview for $1.5 Million](https://www.pugbus.org/paris-hilton-snags-larry-king-interview-for-1-5-million/) - LOS ANGELES - Larry King was the surprise winner of the bidding war for the right to conduct Paris Hilton's initial post-jail interview. The veteran talk show host and natural-supplements advocate will bank $1.5 million in return for devoting his entire show to the "new" Paris Hilton tonight. "I've talked to Paris and, believe me,
- [Tom Cruise Brokered Spice Girls Reunion](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-brokered-spice-girls-reunion/) - LOS ANGELES - The Spice Girls are reuniting for a world tour, and we can thank Tom Cruise for that. The diminutive actor is rumored to have stepped in and brokered the reunion deal after negotiations between Geri Halliwell (Old Spice) and the rest of the group had broken down. Ms. Halliwell, 34, left the
- [Sicko Message Belied by Weinstein Company's Tactics](https://www.pugbus.org/sicko-message-belied-by-weinstein-companys-tactics/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The message of Michael Moore's Sicko, that the health-care-system deck in this country is stacked against poor people, is belied by the ethically questionable campaign of the film's distributor, the Weinstein Company, to deny access to "their" film and its empowering message to anyone who can't afford the price of admission. The
- [Michelle Wie Enters Rehab](https://www.pugbus.org/michelle-wie-enters-rehab/) - LOS ANGELES - Michelle Wie checked into a Promises residential treatment center early Sunday afternoon to seek help in battling what she called "like, a minor substance thing." Looking not at all like the emotional wreck who walked off a golf course in North Carolina the previous day, sobbing and mumbling to herself, Ms. Wie
- [President Bush Commutes Harry Potter Death Sentence](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-commutes-harry-potter-death-sentence/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced yesterday that he is prepared to commute Harry Potter's death sentence should he die in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the grossly popular series. "I respect J.R. Rowling and her decisions as an author," said Mr. Bush in a written statement,
- [Live Earth Event Planned to Fix Live Earth Concerts Damage](https://www.pugbus.org/live-earth-event-planned-to-fix-live-earth-concerts-damage/) - LONDON - Last Saturday's Live Earth concerts were such an environmental disaster that concert organizers plan to schedule another, more environmentally neutral event to offset the damage done by the first one. "In terms of carbon footprints, Live Earth was somewhere between Sasquatch and Jennifer Hudson," admitted former president-elect Al Gore, the brains behind the
- [Mike Huckabee Says Michael Moore Has Manboobs](https://www.pugbus.org/mike-huckabee-says-michael-moore-has-manboobs/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee challenged Sicko creator Michael Moore "to take off his shirt and show us what he's hiding." Mr. Huckabee also charged that Mr. Moore's body mass index is so high he'll soon have to breathe by blowing water through a hole in the middle of his shoulders. "Anybody with a set
- [Michael Vick Puppy Soccer Game Pulled by Madden](https://www.pugbus.org/michael-vick-puppy-soccer-game-pulled-by-madden/) - NEW YORK - Michael Vick's Ultimate Puppy Soccer (UPS), a high-concept video game that had been scheduled for a September release, has been pulled by the Madden Group following allegations that Mr. Vick hosted actual soccer games in which puppies were used instead of balls at his southeast Virginia retreat. "We were all set to
- [Lindsay Lohan Arrested for DUI Again, Exclusive Timeline](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-arrested-for-dui-again-exclusive-timeline/) - Lindsay Lohan arrested for DUI and cocaine possession yesterday, offenses that are, coincidentally, quite similar to the ones that occasioned her surrender to the Beverly Hills police six days ago. "Lindsay fell off the wagon and was dragged a few blocks," said her representative, Leslie Sloan Zelnick-Sloan, "but she is in a good space now
- [Lindsay Lohan Innocent of Cocaine Possession Says LAPD](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-innocent-of-cocaine-possession-says-lapd/) - LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Lohan, who was arrested for cocaine possession and driving under the influence of alcohol Tuesday, has been cleared of the cocaine charge, according to a member of the Los Angeles Police Department. "After reading Lindsay's email to Billy Bush at Access Hollywood, the one where she said it wasn't her cocaine we
- [Lindsay Lohan Rules in I Know Who Killed Me](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-rules-in-i-know-who-killed-me-by-chip-hilton/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Lindsay Lohan rules the screen in Tri Star Pictures I Know Who Killed Me in which she plays Aubrey Fleming, an aspiring actress attending college in New Salem, a small but idyllic college town. Aubrey, who bears a startling resemblance to a troubled young actress named Dakota Moss, disappears one night on her
- [Michael Vick's Dog House Program Busts Britney Spears](https://www.pugbus.org/michael-vicks-dog-house-program-busts-britney-spears/) - NEWPORT NEWS, Vir. - Michael Vick's Dog House, a one-minute segment of social commentary, debuted on radio station WCUR in Newport News, Virginia, during morning drive time yesterday. Sponsored by Chomp, the nation's leading manufacturer of quality steel-jaw leghold traps and other restraining devices, Michael Vick's Dog house promises to put the bite on the
- [Michael Vick Severs Ties with PRCA and Skoal](https://www.pugbus.org/michael-vick-severs-ties-with-prca-and-skoal/) - NEWPORT NEWS, Vir. - A lawyer for suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, announced today that Mr. Vick was severing his ties with the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PCRA) and with Skoal, the makers of smokeless tobacco. "Michael Vick recognizes his responsibilities as a role model to his fans," said Dutch Williamson. "Therefore, he is
- [Rush Limbaugh Says Donovan McNabb Coddled by Philly Press](https://www.pugbus.org/rush-limbaugh-says-donovan-mcnabb-coddled-by-philly-press/) - NEW YORK - According to Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb is being protected by the Philadelphia press, which has orchestrated "a shameful and concerted news blackout" of remarks Mr. McNabb made about Michael Vick to the Washington Post and other news sources. In the Post interview, published two days ago, Mr. McNabb declared, "I'm a supporter of Vick." Mr. McNabb
- [Britney Spears' New CD in Starbucks Tuesday](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-new-cd-in-starbucks-tuesday/) - LOS ANGELES - The long-awaited new Britney Spears CD, Here I Come Again, will go on sale at all Starbucks outlets around the world on Tuesday. A source close to the project told Billboard magazine that Ms. Spears chose Starbucks because "it has always been her refuge" whenever she felt misunderstood. "No matter what lies the false tabloids
- [Arkansas Woman Has 17th Child, Two Are James Brown's](https://www.pugbus.org/arkansas-woman-has-17th-child-two-are-james-browns/) - LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed her seventeenth child into the world at 10:01 a.m. Thursday at a Rogers, Arkansas, hospital. Said Jim Bob, a former state representative who now sells real estate, "We are just so grateful to god for another gift of life." The Duggars, it turns out, should
- [Lindsay Lohan Elle Interview Recalls Happier Times](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-elle-interview-recalls-happier-times/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - If it's August, Lindsay Lohan is selling magazines for Elle. For the second August in a row another issue of Elle featuring the fully loaded Herbie star hits the newsstands, but what a difference a year makes. This time around Ms. Lohan is on the defensive, assuring Elle's readers not only that the paparazzi are
- [Pope Benedict Urges Peace on The Sopranos in Easter Address](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-benedict-urges-peace-on-the-sopranos-in-easter-address/) - VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO's hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night. The pope began by warning thousands of Christians assembled
- [Rudy Giuliani Tops Wikipedia Self-Serving Edits](https://www.pugbus.org/rudy-giuliani-tops-wikipedia-self-serving-edits/) - NEW YORK - Computers at the campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani were used to make fifteen changes to Mr. Giuliani's Wikipedia page last week, earning America's Mayor the Virgil Griffith award for the period ending August 18. This soon-to-be-notorious award is named after Virgil Griffith, the CalTech graduate student who created Wikiscanner, a program that
- [Skype Outage Only the Beginning Warns an Angry God](https://www.pugbus.org/skype-outage-only-the-beginning-warns-an-angry-god/) - LUXEMBOURG - God has claimed full responsibility for the mysterious Skype outage that left an estimated five to six million of his subjects unable to make phone calls or to send instant messages via the popular Internet-based service last week. In an instant message sent to every Skype subscriber yesterday, god declared not only that
- [NRA President Attacks NAACP's Michael Vick Tool](https://www.pugbus.org/nra-president-attacks-naacps-michael-vick-tool/) - FAIRFAX, Vir. - NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, assailed R.L. White, HMFIC and president of the NAACP's Atlanta chapter, for suggesting that deer hunting is "just as bad as" dog fighting. "Mr. White's comments are insulting and disgusting," said Mr. LaPierre. "Obviously there is nothing a black person can do that is so heinous another black
- [U.S. Blames British Soldiers' Deaths on Cell Phone Use](https://www.pugbus.org/u-s-blames-british-soldiers-deaths-on-cell-phone-use/) - KAJAKI, Afghanistan - A United States military commander in Afghanistan said yesterday that three British soldiers killed by "a friendly airstrike" on Thursday would still be alive today if "somebody hadn't been talking on a cell phone when he shouldn't have been." According to Lieutenant General Rip Redstone, "A combat patrol is no place to
- [Michel Martin Is Today's Michael Vick Tool](https://www.pugbus.org/michel-martin-is-todays-michael-vick-tool/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Today's dumb-ass Michael Vick sympathizer is Michel Martin, hostess of Tell Me More, a one-hour daily NPR news talk show. Ms. Martin, whose husband, Billy, is Michael Vick's lawyer, said last night on the Bill Maher show that with so many murders in Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta, and other cities, she wonders why
- [Larry Craig Wants Toilet Cams in Airport Restrooms](https://www.pugbus.org/larry-craig-wants-toilet-cams-in-airport-restrooms/) - BOISE, Idaho - Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, "I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign." According to Senator Craig, every
- [Britney Spears Changing Sons' Names to William and Harry](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-changing-sons-names-to-william-and-harry/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears filed a petition in a Los Angeles court yesterday seeking to change the names of her sons to William and Harry. According to Herb Webberstein, an attorney for Ms. Spears, "Britney feels she made a mistake when she named her boys Sean Preston and Jayden James. "She actually approached me
- [Angelina Jolie Losing Body Mass, Cooling Off Significantly](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-losing-body-mass-cooling-off-significantly/) - BOSTON - Angelina Jolie is losing mass and cooling off at a significant rate, observers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) report. Their findings, which appear in the current issue of the journal Science, suggest that Ms. Jolie will cease to be a major star if she continues to shrink and to lose temperature at
- [Steve Irwin, Brad Pitt, George Bush Get First Dunce Caps of the Moment Awards](https://www.pugbus.org/steve-irwin-brad-pitt-george-bush-get-first-ass-hat-awards/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Steve Irwin, famously known as the crocodile hunter; Brad Pitt, better known as Angelina Jolie's honey; and George W. Bush, often known as "numbnuts," are the winners of the first Postcards from the Pug Bus Dunce Cap of the Moment awards. Ordinarily there will be only one dunce cap award per
- [Larry Craig Hires Michael Vick's Lawyer to Beat Cockfighting Charges](https://www.pugbus.org/larry-craig-hires-michael-vicks-lawyer-to-beat-cockfighting-charges/) - BOISE, Idaho - Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick's attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate. "My client did not technically engage in—nor does he actually condone—cockfighting," declared Mr. Martin, "and I have to wonder why he is
- [Jerry Lewis Apologizes to Illiterates Everywhere](https://www.pugbus.org/jerry-lewis-apologizes-to-illiterates-everywhere/) - LOS ANGELES - Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday "to illiterates everywhere" for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon. "I apologize to the fifteen people who were still awake at that point in my telethon, which raised a record $63.7 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association," said
- [Local Man Arrested for Stealing His Own Identity](https://www.pugbus.org/local-man-arrested-for-stealing-his-own-identity/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Li Ming, a graduate assistant in computer science at West Chester University, was arrested and charged with identity theft yesterday after trying to obtain a driver's license under false pretenses. "It's the damnedest thing I ever heard of," said West Chester chief of police, Brad Furlong. "Mr. Li visited the department
- [Madeleine McCann's Mother Advances to Suspect Round in Quiz Show](https://www.pugbus.org/madeleine-mccanns-mother-advances-to-suspect-round-in-quiz-show/) - PORTIMAO, Portugal - Madeline McCann's mother, Kate, has advanced to the suspect round in this season's smash Portuguese television show Did You Kill Your Daughter?. Mrs. McCann, 39, whose daughter Madeleine, then three, went missing on May 3, spent eleven hours before the cameras yesterday, patiently providing answers to the shows host, First Sergeant Carlos Rodrigues.
- [Osama bin Laden Video Launches September 11 Collection](https://www.pugbus.org/osama-bin-laden-video-launches-september-11-collection/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Osama Bin Laden has released a popping new video to accompany the launch of his revolutionary September 11 Collection, which hits high-end shopping stalls in Muslim countries on Tuesday, the sixth anniversary of the deadliest attacks on the U.S. fashion industry. In the video a classically hip bin Laden, sporting a
- [Vanessa Hudgens Homemade Video Surfaces on Internet](https://www.pugbus.org/vanessa-hudgens-homemade-sex-video-surfaces-on-internet/) - Vanessa Hudgens has more to answer for than a batch of mildly compromising vintage selfies that recently bubbled up from the molten core of the Internet, where amateur archivists and professional doom scrollers spend their days spelunking for digital fossils. The photos were apparently the warm-up act for a holiday video she once recorded as
- [Indiana Jones Movie Won't Be Called The Colonoscopy of Doom](https://www.pugbus.org/indiana-jones-movie-wont-be-called-the-colonoscopy-of-doom/) - HOLLYWOOD - The long-awaited new Indiana Jones movie will not be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom, despite Harrison Ford's stumping on behalf of that title. Shia LaBeouf told reporters at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas last night that the next installment in the popular Indiana Jones series will be called Indiana
- [Petraeus Says Surge Is Working, Britney Spears Needs More Time](https://www.pugbus.org/petraeus-says-surge-is-working-britney-spears-needs-more-time/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - General David Petraeus told Congress yesterday that President Bush's surge in Iraq is working, but Operation Britney Spears will need more time before the fallen pop star can be entrusted with policing her own career. Meanwhile, said the nation's top military commander, we must be patient and allow Ms. Spears "the time
- [Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-not-working-hillary-clinton-calls-for-withdrawal/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says. "George Bush can send all the little tin soldiers he wants to Capitol Hill," said Senator Clinton, "but he can't camouflage the fact
- [Kate McCann's Diary, an Exclusive Peek](https://www.pugbus.org/kate-mccanns-diary-an-exclusive-peek/) - LONDON - Pages purported to have come from Kate McCann's diary have been photocopied and leaked to The Sun, England's tabloid conscience. According to the paper's managing editor, Malcolm Pease, the diary pages arrived via fax at The Sun's lifestyle desk late yesterday afternoon. "Independent handwriting experts have checked the writing against a sample of Kate McCann's
- [Osama Bin Laden Bombs in CNN 911 Awards Opener](https://www.pugbus.org/osama-bin-laden-bombs-in-cnn-911-awards-opener/) - ATLANTA - It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden's career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN's 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday. Dressed in a white hat, white shirt,
- [O.J. Simpson Claims Stealing from Yourself Isn't Wrong](https://www.pugbus.org/o-j-simpson-claims-stealing-from-yourself-isnt-wrong/) - LAS VEGAS - O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes "the law of double jeopardy" permits him to re-acquire "merde that is rightfully mines. "I know the
- [Britney Spears' Sons Not Bothered by Her Nudity, Drug Use](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-sons-not-bothered-by-her-nudity-drug-use/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears' sons have refuted claims that her using drugs and walking around naked all the time represent a danger to their well being–or an impediment to their continued growth and social development. Speaking through an attorney, Sean Preston Spears, 2, and his brother, Jayden James Spears, 1, said their mother is
- [Donovan McNabb Says O.J. Simpson Was Framed](https://www.pugbus.org/donovan-mcnabb-says-o-j-simpson-was-framed/) - PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb believes O.J. Simpson was framed for kidnapping, armed robbery, and hooliganism because he is "too black for the dominant white culture" that rules America. "Black man can't fart without getting arrested in this country because we scare all y'all," Mr. McNabb told Today host Matt Lauer this morning. "It's a
- [Britney Spears Fans Will Stage Nude Protest Rally](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-fans-will-stage-nude-protest-rally/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears fans will stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday in support of "every mother's right" to go naked around her children. The rally, which kicks off at noon, is sponsored by MUFF (Mothers Undressed in Freedom Forever), a pro-home-nudity group that counts many Britney
- [Donovan McNabb Says Black Dogfighters Are More Criticized](https://www.pugbus.org/donovan-mcnabb-says-black-dogfighters-are-more-criticized/) - PHILADELPHIA - Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has gone deep again. His target this time is the perceived inequality in the treatment of white and black dogfighters. "Black dogfighters get criticized far more often than white dogfighters do," Mr. McNabb told Philadelphia Inquirer columnist David Aldridge. "You saw what happened to Michael Vick. If that had been Tom
- [Jennifer Aniston's New Body Confident with Jennifer Aniston](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-anistons-new-body-confident-with-jennifer-aniston/) - LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Aniston's new body is telling friends that it's confident Ms. Aniston can compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for serious movie roles and magazine covers. "There's more to Jennifer Aniston than a nice rack and a tight, little ass," said Ms. Aniston's new body, dressed in a revealing top and
- [Brad Pitt to Star in Barbaro the Musical](https://www.pugbus.org/brad-pitt-to-star-in-barbaro-the-musical/) - KENNETT SQUARE, Penna. - Brad Pitt, fresh off his triumph in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, is set to star in a horse opera of another color: the inspiring story of Barbaro, the super horse who captured the lonely eyes of a nation. Thanks to the vision of Smegma Productions and
- [Madeleine McCann Sightings Impede Investigation](https://www.pugbus.org/madeleine-mccann-sightings-impede-investigation/) - LONDON - The latest Madeleine McCann "sighting" confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents. The most recent Madeleine sighting to come a cropper was in the village of Zinat,
- [Rudy Giuliani Proposes Moving Kwanzaa to New Time Slot](https://www.pugbus.org/rudy-giuliani-proposes-moving-kwanzaa-to-new-time-slot/) - NEW YORK–Rudy Giuliani may have skipped the GOP presidential debate at historically black Morgan State University last night, but his absence does not mean he won't take African American issues seriously, a Giuliani spokesman said today. "The mayor wants to reassure his African American base that he is in touch with his inner blackness," said
- [Britney Spears Stripped of Her Citizenship](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-stripped-of-her-citizenship/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Britney Spears has been stripped of her citizenship, the White House revealed this morning. President Bush took this rare, but not unprecedented, step when he signed an executive order relieving Ms. Spears of her citizenship at 8:59 last evening, just before he retired for the night. "Presidents are reluctant to invoke this
- [Bruce Springsteen's Hair Rocks Hartford](https://www.pugbus.org/bruce-springsteens-hair-rocks-hartford/) - HARTFORD, Conn. - Bruce Springsteen's hair kicked out the jams and took names at the Hartford Civic Center last night. Reunited with the E Street Band for the first time in five years, Mr. Springsteen's hair launched its Magic tour with a twenty-three-song set that recalled its glory days while demonstrating there's still plenty of room left
- [Britney Spears' Driving Test Leaked to Tabloid](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-driving-test-leaked-to-tabloid/) - LOS ANGELES - A copy of the written driving test Britney Spears passed in order to obtain a temporary license has been leaked to THEM Weekly magazine. The magazine was unable to learn Ms. Spears' actual score on the test, but a representative for the troubled singer said she had passed the test by telling the examiner
- [RIAA Sends Message to Native American Single Mothers of Two](https://www.pugbus.org/riaa-sends-message-to-native-american-single-mothers-of-two/) - The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) prevailed yesterday in its efforts to stamp out copyright infringement by Native American single mothers of two children. Jammie Thomas, 30, who was found guilty of "musical terrorism" related to alleged online music-sharing activities, now owes the RIAA $222,000 for making twenty-four songs, including Sarah McLachlan's 'Building a
- [Britney Spears' Obsession with Princess Diana](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-obsession-with-princess-diana/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears' obsession with Princess Diana has Ms. Spears' few remaining friends concerned. They fear the frazzled pop star may be planning to harm herself in some dramatic way in order to mimic the princess' death. "We didn't think nothing much about it when Britney ditched her Carol Channing wig for a Princess
- [Lindsay Lohan Narrows College Choices to Harvard or Rochville](https://www.pugbus.org/lindsay-lohan-narrows-college-choices-to-harvard-or-rochville/) - OUTBACK, Utah - Recently clean actress Lindsay Lohan has narrowed her college choices to Harvard and Rochville universities, a spokesperson for the I Know Who Killed Me star said yesterday. "Despite what nearly everybody thinks, Lindsay is an incredibly bright girl when she's sober; and now that she is sober, she wants to have the college experience she gave
- [George Clooney Health Records Reveal Hemorrhoids, Incontinence](https://www.pugbus.org/george-clooney-health-records-reveal-hemorrhoids-incontinence/) - NORTH BERGEN, N.J. - George Clooney's health records contain some personally embarrassing information, said a hospital health worker who was suspended after taking a secret peek at Mr. Clooney's private annals. "Persistent hemorrhoids, acute situational incontinence, chronic erectile dysfunction, projectile flatulence, pubic boils—there's more to George Clooney than meets the eye or ear," said Cheryl
- [Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount](https://www.pugbus.org/al-gore-demands-nobel-prize-recount/) - SAN FRANCISCO - Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie in this year's Nobel Peace Prize voting. Mr. Gore, 59, shared the prize with the United Nation's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, but he says he "will not rest until the prize
- [Britney Spears Writing Self-Help Book for Children](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-writing-self-help-book-for-children/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears is writing a self-help book in order to prevent "childrens everywhere" from making the same mistakes she's made since her ill-advised, fifty-five-hour Las Vegas "marriage" nearly four years ago. "I wisht somebody had of told me when I was a kid not to drive around without a license and not to
- [Ellen DeGeneres Wins Dunce Cap of the Moment for Dog Speech](https://www.pugbus.org/ellen-degeneres-wins-ass-hat-award-for-dog-speech/) - Ellen DeGeneres is the newest winner of the Postcards from the Pug Bus Dunce Cap of the Moment award. Ms. DeGeneres, 49, copped the prestigious award for using the bully pulpit of her television chat show to put a self-serving spin on her disregard of an agreement she had signed with a pet rescue agency.According
- [Preppy Killer Says Rough Sex with Gal Pal Led to Coke Bust](https://www.pugbus.org/preppy-killer-says-rough-sex-with-gal-pal-led-to-coke-bust/) - NEW YORK - Robert Chambers Jr., whom you may remember as the "Preppy Killer," told police last night that the drugs found in the apartment he shares with his long-time companion, Shawn Kovell, belong to Ms. Kovell. Mr. Chambers, 41, made this revelation after he and Ms. Kovell, 39, had been arrested and charged with
- [Conan O'Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican](https://www.pugbus.org/conan-obrien-stalker-reassigned-by-vatican/) - BOSTON - David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O'Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today. The Reverend Ajemian, better known as Father Flipper, will serve as the entertainment industry liaison under another well-known Boston-area prelate, Bernard Francis Cardinal
- [Boy George Accused of Foolish Imprisonment](https://www.pugbus.org/boy-george-accused-of-foolish-imprisonment/) - LONDON - Pop swinger Boy George was charged with foolish imprisonment, careless whispers, and reckless misapplication of foodstuffs today. The legal action was brought as a result of a complaint lodged against Mr. George by a midget from The Long and Short of It, a male escort service popular with London hipsters and members of
- [Wolf Blitzer Found Beaten After Presidential Debate](https://www.pugbus.org/wolf-blitzer-found-beaten-after-presidential-debate/) - CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates' debate at the University of Nevada. The grizzled, heavly tattooed Mr. Blitzer, who moderated last night's gathering, was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remained in guarded condition this morning. "As of
- [President Bush Will Pardon Thanksgiving Tofurky](https://www.pugbus.org/president-bush-will-pardon-thanksgiving-tofurky/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn. By pardoning the tofurky—which is made from a blend of wheat gluten, tofu, soy by-products, bran flakes, and "real turkey flavor"—the president hopes to demonstrate his commitment to the fight
- [Vanessa Hudgens Launches Sex Video Hotline](https://www.pugbus.org/vanessa-hudgens-launches-sex-video-hotline/) - HOLLYWOOD - Now that High School Musical 3 is scheduled to begin filming next Valentine's Day, Vanessa Hudgens, 18, has decided to put paid once and for all to the continuous rumors about the dozens of sex videos she is alleged to have made since her sixteenth birthday. The rumors began with the appearance of Open Me First two
- [McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen](https://www.pugbus.org/mcnabb-out-of-patriots-game-spread-falls-to-sixteen/) - PHILADELPHIA - Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night's game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points. "With Donovan out it's a whole new dynamic," said oddsmaker Vegas Vic. "The Eagles are a
- [All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor's Number](https://www.pugbus.org/all-nfl-players-will-wear-sean-taylors-number/) - NEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor's number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season. "The NFL is a family, dysfunctional or otherwise," said Commissioner Goodall, "and when a family member dies,
- [Amy Winehouse Cancels All Personal Hygiene Activities](https://www.pugbus.org/amy-winehouse-cancels-all-personal-hygiene-activities/) - LONDON - Singer Amy Winehouse, 24, has announced that she is canceling all personal hygiene activities—even down to having her beehive steam cleaned—until her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from London's Pentonville prison. Reading from a statement scribbled on a greasy fish-and-chips sack, Ms. Winehouse told reporters outside her house yesterday, "I can't give it
- [Clay Aiken Birthday Quiz, Exclusive](https://www.pugbus.org/clay-aiken-birthday-quiz-exclusive/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don't-ask-don't-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will spend the day counting his blessings with "a special friend or two." Meanwhile, Mr. Aiken's rabid fans, his Claymates, will celebrate this
- [Britney Spears Pregnant Again, May Lose Custody of Vagina](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-pregnant-again-may-lose-custody-of-vagina/) - LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears is pregnant again, and the troubled singer is terrified she might lose custody of her vagina as a result. A source close to Ms. Spears, who turns twenty-six today, told THEM Weekly, "Britney's freaking out because this pregnancy is the last thing her vagina needs." After subjecting her vagina to successive
- [Britney Spears Joins Drunks Against Mad Mothers Group](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-joins-drunks-against-mad-mothers-group/) - After attending several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), Britney Spears has decided to join the group, a former assistant revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Spears has met with the group three or four times "in a couple of clubs near the Sierra Towers,"
- [Angelina Jolie Computer Virus Poised to Strike](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-computer-virus-poised-to-strike/) - Microsoft officials, who claimed at first that Windows operating systems are "impervious" to the BMW virus, now assure all Microsoft users that a new service pack will be released "before or shortly after" the BMW virus is launched. The Windows service pack, after it has been installed, will require Windows users to leave their computers
- [RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use](https://www.pugbus.org/riaa-wants-record-labels-to-limit-home-cd-use/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as "the single greatest secret threat" to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit the number of times a CD can be played in the home. RIAA President
- [Hillary Clinton Launches Cosmetics Line in Effort to Save Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/hillary-clinton-launches-cosmetics-line-in-effort-to-save-campaign/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hillary Clinton has elected to move up the debut of her cosmetics line in hopes of gaining separation from presidential rivals Barack Obama and John Edwards in time for the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries. Called Clintonique, the senator's line of beauty care and grooming products was scheduled for a Summer 2008
- [Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model](https://www.pugbus.org/porsche-denies-plans-to-release-nikki-catsouras-model/) - ATLANTA - A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has "any plans whatsoever" to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model. "This [rumor] is vile and detestable," said Dieter von Richthofen, director of public information for Porsche (porsh-uh). "I don't know how this kind of thing gets started—I suppose
- [Britney Spears Hires Illegal Alien Frappuccino Caddy](https://www.pugbus.org/britney-spears-hires-illegal-alien-frappuccino-caddy/) - MALIBU - Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1. Unfortunately, the star of Chaotic may have hired an illegal alien. According to documents obtained by THEM Weekly, the Frap caddy hired
- [Michael Vick Homies Win Dunce Cap of the Moment Award](https://www.pugbus.org/michael-vick-homies-win-ass-hat-of-the-week-award/) - NEW YORK - While Michael Vick sits in jail trying to master the intricacies of checkers and the ins and outs of prison dating etiquette, he will surely take comfort in knowing that five of his most loyal homies have won the Dunce Cap of the Moment award.Atlanta Falcons cornerbacks DeAngelo "Bad Newz" Hall and
- [Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Pregnant as Surrogate for Britney](https://www.pugbus.org/jamie-lynn-spears-gets-pregnant-as-surrogate-for-britney/) - BUMFUCH, La. - Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there's anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old. "I'll
- [Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay](https://www.pugbus.org/jamie-lynn-spears-home-pregnancy-test-on-ebay/) - BUMFUCH, La. - The Jamie Lynn Spears' home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it's had a chance to spread its wings. Listed on eBay's wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating
- [Hillary Clinton Vows to Court Biracial Vote in New Hampshire](https://www.pugbus.org/hillary-clinton-vows-to-court-biracial-vote-in-new-hampshire/) - CORNISH, NH—Hillary Clinton told customers at a local diner this morning that she regrets not being "more aggressive" in courting the biracial vote during the year-and-a-half run up to the Iowa presidential caucuses. "We underestimated the potential of the biracial vote in Iowa," said Ms. Clinton. "We didn't reach out to people of mixed racial
- [Recent Klaus Harmony Sightings Fuel Speculation](https://www.pugbus.org/recent-klaus-harmony-sightings-fuel-speculation/) - LONDON - What is it about a dead genius which attracts such frenzied speculation? Examine the myths surrounding any icon and a conspiracy theory is never far away. Never was this more true than in the case of Klaus Harmony, the German maestro of erotik cinema or, as he is more popularly known, the "Mozart
- [Mobile Phone Virus Threatens United States](https://www.pugbus.org/mobile-phone-virus-threatens-united-states/) - SAN FRANCISCO - Cabir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Larry King Live yesterday, Verizon's James Earl Jones hinted that Cabir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice,
- [Hillary's Gal Pal Elton Is the Dunce Cap of the Moment](https://www.pugbus.org/hillarys-gal-pal-elton-is-ass-hat-of-the-week/) - Hillary Clinton's longtime admirer Elton John is the latest recipient of the Postcards from the Pug Bus Dunce Cap of the Moment award.Mr. John–a portly, overbearing, needy little show off in carnival drag–has long been more famous for his emotional outbursts, compulsive shopping, and substance abuse than for his melodies. (Think Perez Hilton without the
- [Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-benedict-will-visit-west-chester-pennsylvania/) - Special to the Pug Bus from T.J. Eckleburg WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope's entourage has confirmed. According to the pope's traveling appointments secretary, Cardinal Alfonso Dente, "His Holiness is eager to see the mystery horse on the estate of Postcards from
- [Chapter 1: Divine Intervention Strikes Twice](https://www.pugbus.org/chapter-1-divine-intervention-strikes-twice/) - On a warm Sunday afternoon in April 1990, I was sitting on a hillside in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, watching a timber race, when god spoke to me. Because more people claim to be familiar with the voice of god than with timber races, I should explain that the latter are jumping races in which a
- [Chris Brown Bobblehead Doll Attacks Paris Hilton Doll](https://www.pugbus.org/chris-brown-bobblehead-doll-attacks-paris-hilton-doll/) - LOS ANGELES - Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Acme Doll Company. "It's too early to say if the Chris Brown doll is a suspect in this case,"
- [President Obama Vows to Take On Gravity Shortfall](https://www.pugbus.org/president-obama-vows-to-take-on-gravity-shortfall/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces "a critical shortfall of gravity" brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past. "The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity," the president explained. "The air travel involved
- [Will Smith to Play Barack Obama in Fresh Prince of D.C.](https://www.pugbus.org/will-smith-to-play-barack-obama-in-fresh-prince-of-d-c/) - LOS ANGELES - Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut on CoLoursTV this fall. "The Fresh Prince of D.C. will present a warm, comedic look at the adventures of the first black family
- [Microsoft Blames Hackers for Severance Pay Blunder](https://www.pugbus.org/microsoft-blames-hackers-for-severance-pay-blunder/) - REDMOND, Wash. - A spokesperson for Microsoft blamed hackers for the company's severance pay blunders, which resulted in some laid-off workers receiving too much severance pay while others received too little. "A weakness in our payroll program—or else in our calculator—was exploited by hackers at some point during the holiday season," the spokesperson reported. "We
- [Bono Accused of Leaking New U2 Album](https://www.pugbus.org/bono-accused-of-leaking-new-u2-album/) - DUBLIN - U2 frontman, Bono, has been accused by his band mates of leaking the group's new album, No Line on the Horizon, well in advance of its March 3 release date. The charges were leveled as the new album became widely available on BitTorrent and file sharing websites early this week."The needy little bugger's
- [President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout](https://www.pugbus.org/president-obama-plans-portuguese-water-dog-bailout/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter. "We have
- [Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm](https://www.pugbus.org/microsoft-acquires-christian-software-firm/) - REDMOND - Wash. - Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, "the inspired binary word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama's Silicone Holler. The company produces "salvation software for Jesus geeks." Gates also announced that Glossolalia
- [Three Second Rule Extended During Recession](https://www.pugbus.org/three-second-rule-extended-during-recession/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been dropped, will be extended to six seconds for the remainder of the current recession, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture spokesperson. "With so many Americans struggling to put food
- [Walmart Stock in the Crosshairs](https://www.pugbus.org/walmart-stock-in-the-crosshairs/) - MORGANTOWN, Penna.—Concerns about the value of Wal-Mart stock going forward from the El Paso shootings have decimated company morale, threatened the social fabric of many small communities, and led thousands of Wal-Mart employees to seek other career paths. Although Wal-Mart shares closed at $112.99 on Friday, just 1.8% below their all-time high, many Wal-Mart employees
- [Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column](https://www.pugbus.org/jennifer-lopez-starts-pet-advice-column/) - LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Lopez' introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez' newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled "Jennifer Lopez on All Fours," will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines. "We are
- [Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-benedict-xvi-approves-pig-latin-mass/) - VATICAN CITY -- Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope's decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray. Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig
- [Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency](https://www.pugbus.org/al-qaeda-rebuilds-through-draft-trades-free-agency/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1. "Al Qaeda's a real sleeper this year," said
- [Scientists Clone Monkey from Courtney Love Cells](https://www.pugbus.org/scientists-clone-monkey-from-courtney-love-cells/) - PORTLAND, Ore. - Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later. This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a "superior species," may lead to breakthroughs in the
- [Bono Challenges World Leaders to Save Board Games](https://www.pugbus.org/bono-challenges-world-leaders-to-save-board-games/) - MILPITAS, Calif. - Bono, U2's crusading frontman, has set himself his most ambitious and difficult task to date: rescuing board games from neglect and despair. Toward that end the globe-trotting, name-checking, self-aggrandizing-but humble singer has announced the release of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, a board game he designed to "reintroduce people everywhere to
- [Verizon Guy Sued for Telephone Harassment](https://www.pugbus.org/verizon-guy-sued-for-telephone-harassment/) - BREWSTER, NY - Paul Marcarelli, better known to millions of television viewers as "the Verizon guy," has been sued for sexual harassment and making terroristic threats by telephone. The suit was filed by Marcarelli's ex-fiancee, Julia Richardson, in Brewster, NY, where Marcarelli lives." According to Richardson, 33, she is the person to whom Marcarelli used
- [God Installs Caller ID and Verizon Corporate Package](https://www.pugbus.org/god-installs-caller-id-and-verizon-corporate-package/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received in the weeks before the deaths of Terri Schaivo and Pope John Paul II, God has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayer requests. These features are part of the new fiber-based Verizon Corporate Package, which also
- [Tiger Woods Admits to Tryptophan Addiction](https://www.pugbus.org/tiger-woods-admits-to-tryptophan-addiction/) - JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. - Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was "high as a kite" the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn. "For several years now I have been tryptophan-dependent,"
- [NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/nuvaring-launches-new-marketing-campaign/) - WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world's largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise been discommoded while using NuvaRing. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical company is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to "square
- [Police Searching for Stolen Breast Implants](https://www.pugbus.org/police-searching-for-stolen-breast-implants/) - PENNSAUKEN, N.J. - Police are searching for a pair of 38-D breast implants obtained under false pretenses earlier this month. The breasts were lifted from the Route 70 Center for Plastic Surgery by a thirty-year-old, red-headed woman who used a bogus ID to pay the first of three, easy $4,000 installments for body and fender
- [God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning](https://www.pugbus.org/god-slaps-nfl-players-with-dire-warning/) - HEAVEN - God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: "I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that
- [NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms](https://www.pugbus.org/nba-installing-metal-detectors-in-all-locker-rooms/) - NEW YORK, N.Y. -The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas. According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up
- [There's Trouble in The Dog Whisperer's Paradise](https://www.pugbus.org/theres-trouble-in-the-dog-whisperers-paradise/) - LOS ANGELES, Calif. - Who doesn't love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he's stinking rich; he's the dog whisperer. Who doesn't love him? As it turns out, a few of his own dogs aren't exactly big
- [Al Gore Claims Credit for Inventing the Toilet Cam](https://www.pugbus.org/al-gore-claims-credit-for-inventing-the-toilet-cam/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association's (ALA) midwinter meeting in Boston next week that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president's address that was leaked to Postcards from the Pug Bus late yesterday, Mr. Gore declared: "I developed the toilet
- [Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge](https://www.pugbus.org/mark-mcgwire-admits-to-using-prayer-to-gain-competitive-edge/) - NEW YORK - During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. "I was a walking MASH unit," he said.
- [Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons](https://www.pugbus.org/taylor-swift-plans-chain-of-anal-bleaching-salons/) - Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later.
- [SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh](https://www.pugbus.org/spaghettios-creator-donald-goerke-chokes-to-death-uh-oh/) - CAMDEN, N.J. - Donald Goerke, the man who put the "Oh" in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since
- [Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy](https://www.pugbus.org/van-morrison-files-for-intellectual-bankruptcy/) - DUBLIN - Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for intellectual bankruptcy, according to a notice published on his official website—The Gospel According to St. Van. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he hasn't had a worthwhile musical idea since 1972 and that he's tired of recycling the same three riffs, though
- [Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series](https://www.pugbus.org/food-network-announces-iron-chef-cannibalism-series/) - NEW YORK - Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel's No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food. Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen,
- [AARP Head Announces Support for Legalized Pot](https://www.pugbus.org/aarp-head-announces-support-for-legalized-pot/) - WASHINGTON - The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group's campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Great American Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, July 8-10. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Beano, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener.AARP's
- [Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account](https://www.pugbus.org/tila-tequila-shuts-down-her-twitter-account/) - HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that "Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me." Before leaving Twitter, Ms.
- [Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt         ](https://www.pugbus.org/angelina-jolie-taking-toll-on-brad-pitt/) - LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some.
- [Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire](https://www.pugbus.org/viagra-vision-loss-blamed-in-senior-citizen-fire/) - EXTON, Penna. - A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon
- [Toyota Recalling 250,000 Owners in the United States](https://www.pugbus.org/toyota-recalling-250000-owners-in-the-united-states/) - NEW YORK - Concerned about the increasing rate of "irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior" exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry,Highlander, and Tundra models. "We have notified these persons by registered mail," said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel
- [Charlie Sheen Questioned about His Missing Mercedes](https://www.pugbus.org/charlie-sheen-questioned-about-his-missing-mercedes/) - LOS ANGELES - Actor Charlie Sheen is "a person of interest" in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen's Hollywood home yesterday afternoon. When Mr. Sheen reported the car
- [New Orleans Saints Fans Angry Following Super Bowl Win](https://www.pugbus.org/new-orleans-saints-fans-angry-following-super-bowl-win/) - NEW ORLEANS - The New Orleans Saints' victory parade was rained on by Las Vegas odds makers, who installed the Indianapolis Colts as 13:2 favorites to win next year's Super Bowl. What's more, the San Diego Chargers are second favorites at 8:1, while the Saints are tied for third with the New England Patriots at
- [The Real Reason Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend Split](https://www.pugbus.org/the-real-reason-charlize-theron-and-stuart-townsend-split/) - LOS ANGELES - Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States. Ms. Theron made that pledge after GLAAD had presented her with the Manguard award, a prestigious, yet lighthearted, honor given
- [Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/michelle-obama-taps-barbie-doll-for-anti-obesity-campaign/)
- [Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook](https://www.pugbus.org/patrick-kennedy-retires-to-spend-more-time-on-facebook/) - PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island's 1st congressional district since 1995, announced earlier this week that he would not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and prescription, since his student days at Rhode Island Community College. As some of
- [Klaus Harmony Tribute Band Will Rock 2011 Super Bowl](https://www.pugbus.org/klaus-harmony-tribute-band-will-rock-2011-super-bowl/) - A German Klaus Harmony tribute band calling themselves the Wondercrotchens is scheduled to rock the 2011 Super Bowl, according to a National Football League spokesperson. Their appearance will mark the first ever performance by a tribute band at the Super Bowl. "We have featured every aging rock group who could still wheel themselves on stage,"
- [Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?](https://www.pugbus.org/did-seaworld-trainer-dawn-brancheau-commit-suicide/) - ORLANDO - As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its Dancing with Killer Whales program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau, who died a public and agonizing death on Wednesday. According to a former co-worker, Ms. Brancheau,
- [Kirstie Alley Pimps Organic Scientology Diet on Oprah](https://www.pugbus.org/kirstie-alley-pimps-organic-scientology-diet-on-oprah/) - Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound self onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison. We're not certain whether this is Orca Girl's fifth, sixth, or tenth weight-loss program, but for
- [Musicians Admit to Only Pretending to Like Pete Seeger](https://www.pugbus.org/musicians-admit-to-only-pretending-to-like-pete-seeger/) - Dave Matthews, Bruce Springsteen, and a host of musicians who have appeared with folk singer Pete Seeger during the last few years have admitted they were "only pretending to like" the ninety-year-old Seeger and his music. "At first we were like, who invited the old guy," said one musician who did not wish to be
- [RIAA Sues Fetus as Accessory to Illegal Downloading](https://www.pugbus.org/riaa-sues-fetus-as-accessory-to-illegal-downloading/) - The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has lowered the bar in its war against music piracy. In a surprising legal maneuver the RIAA slapped a four-month-old fetus with a Baby Doe warrant for being an accessory to its mother's illegal downloading of three Trout Fishing in America CDs and several other CDs of children's
- [Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper](https://www.pugbus.org/ben-roethlisberger-fondles-the-snapper/) - MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. - A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times. The alleged assault took
- [Lil' Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery](https://www.pugbus.org/lil-wayne-sentencing-postponed-for-hemorrhoid-surgery/) - NEW YORK - Once again an attorney for Lil' Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion's jail sentencing for attempted gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil' Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work.
- [Corey Haim or Corey Feldman Found Dead of Drug Overdose](https://www.pugbus.org/corey-haim-or-corey-feldman-found-dead-of-drug-overdose/) - HOLLYWOOD - Actor Corey Haim, 38, or actor Corey Feldman, 38, was pronounced dead at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California, Wednesday morning after an apparent overdose. This according to a police spokesman. Police learned of the death, which occurred between 4 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. Wednesday, when staff at
- [UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings](https://www.pugbus.org/uconn-women-a-huge-bust-in-the-neilsen-ratings/) - DAYTON, Ohio - The University of Connecticut's women's basketball team might be the best women's team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game. "The game had a 1.2
- [Thousands of Obamacare Exchange Shoppers Routed to Porn Site](https://www.pugbus.org/thousands-of-obamacare-exchange-shoppers-routed-to-porn-site/) - For more up to the minute news you cannot use click here.
- [Reese Witherspoon, William Shatner, Pat Robertson Birthday News](https://www.pugbus.org/reese-witherspoon-william-shatner-pat-robertson-birthday-news/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Reese Witherspoon, William Shatner, and Pat Robertson, are the winners of the Outback Steakhouse free celebrity birthday meals for this eighty-first day of 2006. According to the latest Outback-Reuters poll, Ms. Witherspoon, 30, Mr. Shatner, 75, and Mr. Robertson, 76, easily bested the likes of actor Karl Malden, 94, mime Marcel
- [Paul McCartney CD Rocks the Home Shopping Network](https://www.pugbus.org/paul-mccartney-cd-rocks-the-home-shopping-network-2/)
- [Casey Anthony Jurors, Exclusive Sneak Preview and Personal Details](https://www.pugbus.org/casey-anthony-jurors-exclusive-sneak-preview-and-personal-details/) - The identities of the jurors who found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Caylee, will be made public tomorrow amid fears that they will be targeted for retribution by internet cranks, the grossly unappealing, the morbidly obese, and other social rejects who want "Justice for Caylee." After a thirty-three-day trial that had
- [Moammar Gadhafi Obsessed with Condoleeza Rice](https://www.pugbus.org/moammar-gadhafi-obsessed-with-condoleeza-rice/) - TRIPOLI, Libya - The scene inside Moammar Gadhafi's man cave in his Bab al-Aziziya compound looked like the centerfold of Beggar's Banquet, only worse. Rebel soldiers, having discovered Mr. Gadhafi's collection of adult toys, were not hesitating to model them (the mood rings) or attack each other with them. Amidst all this sweaty delirium, however, lay
- [Susan Powell's Husband, Father-in-Law Linked to Supermarket Ad](https://www.pugbus.org/susan-powells-husband-father-in-law-linked-to-supermarket-ad/) - PUYALLUP, Wash. - The investigation into the disappearance of Susan Powell, 28, who has been walkabout for nearly two years, took a turn for the stupid this week when her father-in-law and her husband allegedly placed a personal ad on a supermarket bulletin board. According to local police, the following ad appeared recently at the
- [Irene Dumps Record Number of Cliches on East Coast](https://www.pugbus.org/irene-dumps-record-number-of-cliches-on-east-coast/) - PHILADELPHIA - As Hurricane Irene waddled up the East Coast Saturday night and Sunday morning--slower than Kirstie Alley climbing into her sitz bath--forecasters were predicting that Irene would surpass the record number of cliches spawned by Hurricane Floyd in 1999. "Floyd has been the gold standard for us," said Chase Linderman, senior cliche tracker at
- [Lakers Fan Jack Nicholson Close to Deal with Israeli Team       ](https://www.pugbus.org/lakers-fan-jack-nicholson-close-to-deal-with-israeli-team/) - LOS ANGELES - Jack Nicholson, the face of the Los Angeles Lakers, is close to signing with Maccabi Ashdod of the Israeli Basketball Super League, according to a report first aired on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption yesterday. "There could be an announcement as early as this weekend," a Maccabi team official told ESPN's Tony Kornheiser. "We're thrilled
- [Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Gone and Forgotten](https://www.pugbus.org/crocodile-hunter-steve-irwin-gone-and-forgotten/) - PHILADELPHIA - Five years ago tomorrow Steve Irwin, better known as the crocodile hunter, died as he had lived: messing with a dangerous critter with whom he had no business messing. This time it was a bull stingray, who was minding his own business in waters near the Great Barrier Reef when the Billy Mays
- [Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas](https://www.pugbus.org/bush-surprised-by-visit-to-iraq-thought-he-was-in-texas/) - AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq - President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning. "merde yeah, it was a surprise all right," said a top White House aide under promise of anonymity. "We told him he was going to Texas. You should have seen
- [Text of Obama's Jobs Speech Leaked](https://www.pugbus.org/text-of-obamas-jobs-speech-leaked/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The text of President Obama's major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post's Bob Woodward. Although Mr. Woodward declined to say how he had obtained the text, he did say he was surprised at "the boldness of President
- [Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design](https://www.pugbus.org/rick-perry-says-animals-were-domesticated-by-intelligent-design/) - MULESHOE, Texas - Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching "the heathen theory of domestication." Speaking at the conclusion of the church's annual snake handling festival, Governor Perry declared, "Just like the pagan theory of evolution ought to
- [Help Save the Post Office, Take This Quiz](https://www.pugbus.org/help-save-the-post-office-take-this-quiz/) - The United States Postal Service (USPS) may go tits up this winter if Congress doesn't provide it with mail sacks full of cash, roughly $5.5 billion, give or take. That's the depth of the merde hole the USPS needs to drag its sorry butt out of by the end of this month, just about the
- [Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, Hooker-Kid Mom Is Dunce Cap of the Moment](https://www.pugbus.org/pretty-woman-julia-roberts-hooker-kid-mom-is-ass-hat-of-the-week-2/) - What sort of dipstick thinks it's "hysterically funny" to dress her three-year-old daughter as a street walker and shove her onstage before a nationwide television audience on something called Toddlers & Tiaras? How sick in the head, how worthless in your own mind do you have to be to get off on using a little
- [An Open Letter to the Rolling Stones](https://www.pugbus.org/an-open-letter-to-the-rolling-stones/) - Dear Mick, Keith, Charlie, and the New Guy,I have learned recently that you geezers might be touring next year. Please don't. In the name of all that's wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you sorry git—take a minute to stop and think about what you're doing. You look like merde; you sound like merde.
- [Patriots Cheerleader Alexa Flutie Should Jump to Canada](https://www.pugbus.org/patriots-cheerleader-alexa-flutie-should-jump-to-canada/) - Alexa Flutie, who finally made the New England Patriots cheerleading team this year, should consider a move to the CFL (Canadian Football League), says one scout, who asked not to be identified. "She's too small and too slow for the National Football League (NFL)," said the scout. "She'd do better in Canada, where the game
- [Texas Says Death Row Inmates Deserve Healthier Last Meals](https://www.pugbus.org/texas-says-death-row-inmates-deserve-healthier-last-meals/) - HUNTSVILLE, Texas - The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night for killing a handicapped black man thirteen years ago by dragging him from the back of a pick-up truck. Before
- [Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout](https://www.pugbus.org/hookers-rally-in-philadelphia-to-protest-nba-lockout/) - When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia's Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the NBA lockout,
- [ Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Mounting Remake of Don Quixote](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-cruise-katie-holmes-mounting-remake-of-don-quixote/) - HOLLYWOOD - In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes' 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work will begin soon on a major project–turning Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote into an action movie. "Tom really digs the parallels between
- [Trey Anastasio App Pulled by Google, Phish Fans Bummed](https://www.pugbus.org/trey-anastasio-app-pulled-by-google-phish-fans-bummed/) - In a move that is certain to harsh the mellows of thousands of Phish fans, Google announced late yesterday that it has cancelled the release of the greatly anticipated Trey Anastasio app, which had been scheduled for release at 4:20 a.m. today, the singer's forty-seventh birthday.Ronald Forbin, chief of quality control for Google's Android Open
- [PETA Rallies Snails Rights Advocates In Florida](https://www.pugbus.org/peta-rallies-snails-rights-advocates-in-florida/) - MIAMI - Snails rights advocates picketed outside the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables yesterday to protest the addition of giant African snails to the menu of the hotel's Palme d'Or restaurant. Members of the PETA group, which was estimated at "around a dozen" by local police, walked slowly—one is tempted to say sluggishly— in front
- [Raffaele Sollecito Eager to Step Out of Amanda Knox's Shadow](https://www.pugbus.org/raffaele-sollecito-eager-to-step-out-of-amanda-knoxs-shadow/) - PERUGIA, Italy - No matter what happens when an Italian court reaches a verdict in the appeals trial of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox today, Mr. Sollecito says he is ready to be "my own man (un uomo con grandi testicoli)," not "a puppy on a leash," as he has been called by the Italian
- [Amanda Knox Bags High Paying American Express Ad](https://www.pugbus.org/amanda-knox-bags-high-paying-american-express-ad/) - Amanda Knox: My Life, My Card My name . . . Amanda Knox nickname . . . Foxy Knoxy© perfect day . . . not coming home to a dead roommate greatest disappointment . . . not being able to finish sleeping my way around Italy childhood ambition . . . that my childhood be
- [Tim Lincecum Sues Minor-League Mascot “Dog Cy” for Identity Theft and Emotional Distress](https://www.pugbus.org/tim-lincecum-blames-his-dog-others-for-trashing-townhouse/) - Former Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum has filed what experts are already calling “the most delightfully avoidable lawsuit of the season” against Dog Cy, the scruffy canine mascot for a minor-league baseball team in central Pennsylvania. According to legal documents released Monday, Lincecum alleges that Dog Cy—a medium-sized rescue mutt with an overbite and an
- [Representative Lamar Smith Is the Dunce Cap of the Moment](https://www.pugbus.org/representative-lamar-smith-is-the-ass-hat-of-the-week/) - Lamar Smith, chairman of the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee, is the latest winner of the Postcards from the Pug Bug Dunce Cap of the Moment award. Mr. Smith (R-Texas) earned this highly influential prize by sponsoring a bill that encapsulates all that is cynical, imperialistic, and reprehensible about the attitudes of too many residents
- [NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper's Club](https://www.pugbus.org/nba-players-union-to-decertify-regroup-as-shoppers-club-2/)
- [President Obama Threatens NBA Players Who Sign with Foreign Teams](https://www.pugbus.org/president-obama-threatens-nba-players-who-sign-with-foreign-teams/) - President Barack Obama said today that National Basketball Association (NBA) players who sign with "foreign teams" during the current NBA lockout will be taxed heavily for their "selfish, un-American behavior." Speaking from his all-weather, solar-heated basketball court at the White House, the president said he was "tired of American businessmen moving jobs overseas" in order
- [First Steve Jobs Miracles Reported, Brown Declares Steve Jobs Day](https://www.pugbus.org/first-steve-jobs-miracles-reported-brown-declares-steve-jobs-day/) - As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 "Steve Jobs Day" in Mr. Jobs's home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Steve Jobs Signature
- [God Blasts Rick Perry over Intelligent Design and Celebrity Photo Books](https://www.pugbus.org/god-blasts-rick-perry-over-intelligent-design-and-celebrity-photo-books/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory of intelligent design "to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them." God explained that
- [Cornel West Reveals Where He Plans to Get Arrested Next](https://www.pugbus.org/cornel-west-reveals-where-he-plans-to-get-arrested-next/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Cornel West is on a roll. The silver-tongued, fuzzy-headed, musty-looking Princetonian has been arrested twice in the last seven days. What's more, according to a communication he sent to this website yesterday, he hasn't taken his last ride in a paddy wagon yet. Dr. West, 58, emailed a list of his
- [President Obama Restores the Serial Comma to Federal Stylebook](https://www.pugbus.org/president-obama-restores-the-serial-comma-to-federal-stylebook/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama is expected to sign an executive order today that will reinstate the rules regarding the use of the serial comma to the Federal Elements of Style, the official guidebook for matters of grammar and usage in federal documents. The signing, accompanied by virtually no fanfare, is typical of the low-key
- [Apple Fans Scurry to Parse Steve Jobs's Final Words](https://www.pugbus.org/apple-fans-scurry-to-parse-steve-jobss-final-words/) - PALO ALTO, Calif. - Apple watchers have begun what could be a long and winding effort to interpret the final words of Steve Jobs, who died of pancreatic cancer on October 5. Just before his death Mr. Jobs uttered the words that have sparked an interpretive frenzy, "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow."This utterance, like
- [Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?](https://www.pugbus.org/was-joe-paterno-fired-because-of-his-two-quarterback-offense/) - Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school's board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed abusing some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in one of Penn State's
- [Dunce Caps of the Moment to Everyone Who Supports Joe Paterno](https://www.pugbus.org/asshats-of-the-week-to-everyone-who-supports-joe-paterno/) - The Amalgamated Dunce Caps Association will have to step up production this week in order to make enough dunce caps for all the Joe Paterno enablers who have earned one. Did somebody lift a rock the size of Beaver stadium out there in Happy Valley or what? How else to explain the sudden, frenzied appearance
- [Six Hitler Substitutions That Won't Get Your Butt in Trouble](https://www.pugbus.org/six-hitler-substitutions-that-wont-get-your-ass-in-trouble/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Countless people have come to grief for comparing someone to Adolph Hitler. The latest, Chef Mario Batali, compared Wall Street executives to Hitler at a Time magazine panel recently. "The ways the bankers have kind of toppled the way money is distributed and taken most of it into their hands is as good
- [NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper's Club](https://www.pugbus.org/nba-players-union-to-decertify-regroup-as-shoppers-club/) - NEW YORK - Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it "more difficult for us to keep food on the table," the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband. The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could
- [Joe Paterno Diagnosed with Cancer, Penn State Students Riot](https://www.pugbus.org/joe-paterno-diagnosed-with-cancer-penn-state-students-riot/) - STATE COLLEGE, Penna, - When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and overturning at least one medical vehicle. "Why don't they leave Coach Paterno alone?" demanded Barry Martin, a political science major
- [The Grammar Grump Sticks It to Alanis Morissette](https://www.pugbus.org/the-grammar-prick-sticks-it-to-alanis-morissette/) - When President Obama said that America had been "lazy" for the past few decades, he was talking about our national language scandal. Americans, the president said, are too lazy to search for the home run utterance; they settle instead for a cheap single up the middle; and that, boys and girls, is why the word ironic has
- [How NBA Players Economized During the Lockout](https://www.pugbus.org/how-nba-players-economized-during-the-lockout/) - MIAMI - NBA players will finally report to training camps tomorrow to prepare for the 2011-2012 season, which begins December 25 this year, nearly two months later than usual. At the start of most NBA seasons, players report to camp eager to pimp the Hummers and Ferraris they bought during their summer vacations. This is
- [Dwayne Wade Identified as Robbery Suspect](https://www.pugbus.org/dwayne-wade-identified-as-robbery-suspect/) - PHILADELPHIA -- A Korean grocery store owner has identified Dwayne Wade as the person who robbed him at gun point in early February. Woo-jin Park, 57, said he recognized Mr. Wade, 30, in a picture of the Miami Heat basketball team that was published on the internet via Twitter last week. In that photo members
- [Bynum Sitting Pretty for Philadelphia 76ers](https://www.pugbus.org/bynum-sitting-pretty-for-philadelphia-76ers/) - PHILADELPHIA - Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute's, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.Mr. Bynum, 25, has not been able
- [Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy Breakup Quiz](https://www.pugbus.org/prince-harry-chelsy-davy-breakup-quiz/) - WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Royal watchers have been off their HP Sauce since British tabloids began reporting over the weekend that Prince Harry and his current amuse-bouche, Chelsy Davy, have come a cropper—or cropped a comer, as the case may be. According to friends of the couple, Ms. Davy, 22, informed His Gingerness via text
- [Edward Snowden Is Seriously Becoming a Diva](https://www.pugbus.org/edward-snowden-is-seriously-becoming-a-diva/) - MOSCOW - Edward Snowden's diva-like demands are responsible for his remaining sequestered in the transit zone of Moscow's Sheremetyevo international airport. Mr. Snowden has been living in a Red Roof Inn executive suite there since arriving in Moscow from Hong Kong on July 23. According to sources close to the situation, Mr. Snowden, 30, could
- [NSA Foils Massive Gettysburg Plot](https://www.pugbus.org/nsa-foils-massive-gettysburg-plot/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Security Agency (NSA) announced this morning that it had foiled "a massive terrorist plot" to disrupt the 150th reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg, held on July 4-7 at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. A spokesman for the embattled spy organization, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Associated Press that the NSA
- [St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al. Are Today's Patron Saints](https://www.pugbus.org/st-augustine-zhao-rong-et-al-are-todays-patron-saints/) - The First Universal Brotherhood of the Aggressive Atheist is pleased to join our Catholic brethren everywhere in ecumenical fellowship to salute the memory of St. Augustine Zhao Rong et al., 120 of today's patron saints ranging in age from nine to seventy-two, who died between 1648 and 1930 in China. Most of these happy faces
- [Exclusive Interview with England's Royal Fetus](https://www.pugbus.org/exclusive-interview-with-englands-royal-fetus/) - Postcards from the Pug Bus has secured an exclusive interview with the Royal Fetus, which is expected to be delivered by Katherine the Duchess of Cambridge any day now. The circumstances of the interview remain cloaked in secrecy, but we can report that no Australian disk jockeys were involved in obtaining the interview, nor did
- [St. Benedict the Patron Saint of Hemorrhoids, Europe, and Other Stuff](https://www.pugbus.org/st-benedict-the-patron-saint-of-hemorrhoids-europe-and-other-stuff/) - St. Benedict is the patron saint of Europe, kidney disease, food poisoning, hemorrhoids, and school children. He is recognized as the greatest influence on after dinner drinks in the West. Born into a distinguished family in central Italy during the fifth century, Benedict studied art and interior design at Rome. He fled Rome after one
- [Post Office Will Issue Trayvon Martin Stamp](https://www.pugbus.org/post-office-will-issue-trayvon-martin-stamp/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Trayvon Martin, whose only crime was winning a fight, will be a winner in death thanks to the United States Postal Service, which will issue a Trayvon Martin commemorative stamp on September 1. The handsome stamp, bearing the iconic likeness of Mr. Martin dressed in a hoodie, will be introduced at a
- [Stevie Wonder Wins Dunce Cap of the Moment Award](https://www.pugbus.org/stevie-wonder-wins-trayvon-martin-ass-hat-award/) - Racial harmony in the United States may not be receding in the rear view mirror of life so much as one might imagine in these post-Trayvon-Martin times.Ever since George Zimmerman became a free man last Saturday night, a Saturday Night fever has enveloped members of the Liberal classes–not to mention every dunce cap with a
- [Detroit Bankruptcy Blamed on Shift in Autoeroticism Tastes](https://www.pugbus.org/detroit-bankruptcy-blamed-on-shift-in-autoeroticism-tastes/) - DETROIT - The city of Detroit's recent bankruptcy filing is owed in no small part to shifts in tastes among devotees of autoeroticism in the United States. Autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—enjoyed a sustained spurt of popularity following the September 2006 release of Jackass 2, in which Dev-O gets
- [Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle: Breaking News](https://www.pugbus.org/sex-scandal-rocks-christian-mingle-breaking-news/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. "Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock fingering, scat play, you name it and apparently 'God will provide it' through Christian Mingle," said Pug Bus chief sex crimes investigator Warren T. Smith. "If god had a hand
- [George Zimmerman Rescue Effort Criticized](https://www.pugbus.org/george-zimmerman-rescue-effort-criticized/) - SANFORD, Fla.–George Zimmerman, recently acquitted of sixteen charges brought against him in the shooting death of an unarmed black youth, is now being criticized for fraudulent heroism. Six days ago Mr. Zimmerman, 29, helped to rescue a family of four trapped in a burning, overturned SUV, according to ABC News. Although national reports of the
- [Norton Internet Security Now Refuses to Let Customers Uninstall](https://www.pugbus.org/norton-internet-security-now-refuses-to-let-customers-uninstall/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Norton Internet Security has quietly rolled out its you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave uninstall policy. We learned about this new "safeguard" when we attempted to update our Java software and became the unsuspecting recipient of a free fifteen-day trial version of the Norton Guantanamo Ultimate Security Suite as well. We do not remember specifically asking to lease
- [Local Resident Thinks He's at the Top of His Game](https://www.pugbus.org/local-resident-thinks-hes-at-the-top-of-his-game/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Al Covington is the picture of confidence as he sits at a table outside the Iron Hill restaurant on a hot July afternoon. He glances occasionally at a passer-by between bites of his Jerry Garcia wood fired, artisanal pizza, and talks about his new attitude. "I'm definitely at the top of my game
- [Pippa Middleton's Bum Not All It's Cracked Up to Be](https://www.pugbus.org/pippa-middletons-ass-not-all-its-cracked-up-to-be/) - In a recent study conducted by the National Centre for Social Research, nine out of ten Britons were unable to identify Pippa Middleton's bum in a mock police lineup. The 587 randomly selected individuals who took part in the study ranged in age from twenty-one to sixty-five.The group included men, women, gays, lesbians, transgenders, and
- [Taylor Swift Placed Under Suicide Watch (Breaking News)](https://www.pugbus.org/taylor-swift-placed-under-suicide-watch-breaking-news/) - READING, Pa.–Taylor Swift has been placed under a suicide watch by concerned members of her entourage, the Pug Bus learned today. The popular, six-foot-tall singer-songwriter has been sideswiped by increasingly severe and frequent panic attacks that have played havoc with her mental health and with her ability to write revenge songs."Taylor is so terrified of
- [Philadelphia 76ers Will Play Entire 2013-14 Season Overseas](https://www.pugbus.org/philadelphia-76ers-will-play-entire-2013-14-season-overseas/) - PHILADELPHIA–The Philadelphia 76ers have made what might be their boldest move yet in an offseason filled with bold innovations. Yesterday General Manager Sam Hinkie announced that the 76ers will play in the Beko Turkish Basketball League for the entire 2013-14 season."We had been weighing the analytic advantages of sending our second-round pick Arsalan Kazemi overseas
- [There’s a Saint for That: The Village Atheist’s Guide to Heaven’s Most Questionable Healers](https://www.pugbus.org/theres-a-saint-for-that-new-from-the-village-atheist/) - There is a reason the village atheist's new app is called "There's a Saint for That." The Catholic church is nothing if not fanciful, some might even say fey, as in man-in-a-purple-dress fey. Those ornate Pius-of-Hollywood jumpers favored by the church's high priests, the three-story hats that dwarf the pope beneath them, the gothic organ
- [St. Agatha of Palermo, Patron Saint of Breast Implants and Barbecue](https://www.pugbus.org/st-agatha-of-palermo-patron-saint-of-breast-implants-and-barbecue/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Next to the Blessed Virgin Mary's breasts—which no one but the Holy Ghost and the infant Jesus has ever seen—the hooters of St. Agatha of Palermo are the most famous and most venerated in all of christendom. "Mary's breasts are given titular respect," says Emilio Cacasodo, S.J., "After all, she is the mother of Jesus,
- [Obama Unfriends Putin on Facebook, International Crisis Looms](https://www.pugbus.org/obama-unfriends-putin-on-facebook-international-crisis-looms/) - The Pug Bus learned overnight that President Barack Obama has unfriended Russian president Vladimir Putin on Facebook in retaliation for Mr. Putin's offering temporary asylum to Edward Snowden. The news sent shock waves through the Facebook and international communities, triggering speculation of a return to Cold War status between the two nations. "This is a
- [Joseph of Cupertino, Patron Saint of Air Travel, Dummies Books](https://www.pugbus.org/joseph-of-cupertino-patron-saint-of-air-travel-dummies-books/) - On October 4, 1630, the village of Cupertino, Italy, held a procession on the feast day of Saint Francis of Assisi. During the procession a young priest named Joseph, who was there to clean up after the animals, suddenly flew into the sky, where he remained hovering over the crowd for nearly a minute. The
- [St. Giles, Patron Saint of Breastfeeding, Hermits & Edinburgh, Scotland](https://www.pugbus.org/st-giles-patron-saint-of-breastfeeding-hermits-edinburgh-scotland/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–If you are a breastfeeding hermit living in cave near Edinburgh, Scotland, have we got a saint for you. His name is Giles, and he was born a wealthy nobleman in Athens, Greece, in the seventh century. After his parents had died, Giles frittered away his inheritance helping the poor. That sort of
- [Oprah Stomps Her Way to an Dunce Cap of the Moment Award](https://www.pugbus.org/oprah-stomps-her-way-to-this-weeks-ass-hat-award/) - Oprah Winfrey gave away a car on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night in a transparent attempt to deflect attention from her failed transparent attempt to draw attention to her new movie, something or other about some butler. As an exercise in hey-look-at-me tone deafness . . .. . . it was among The Large One's
- [Pope Francis Appoints St. Christopher the Patron Saint of Texting](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-francis-appoints-st-christopher-the-patron-saint-of-texting/) - VATICAN CITY–In perhaps his most populist and daring move yet, Pope Francis the First, also known as The People's Pope, issued a divine apostolic proclamation (DAP) last week appointing St. Christopher to the position of patron saint of texting. Although there are patron saints for every sort of occupation, special cause, infirmity, act of god,
- [NSA Instrumental in Busting Thai Gang Selling Fake Elephant IDs](https://www.pugbus.org/nsa-instrumental-in-busting-thai-gang-selling-fake-elephant-ids/) - BANGKOK(AP)– The National Security Agency (NSA) is claiming to have played "a major role" in helping police in Thailand to break up a gang that had provided false identification papers for fourteen elephants, a spokesperson for the organization told the Associated Press. Speaking over a secure channel via Skype on condition of anonymity, the spokesperson
- [Allen Iverson Set to Return to the NBA as Philadelphia 76ers Mascot](https://www.pugbus.org/allen-iverson-set-to-return-to-the-nba-as-philadelphia-76ers-mascot/) - Allen Iverson, an eleven-time all-star who has not played in the National Basketball Association (NBA) since 2010, is set to announce his return to the league as Hip-Hop, the once and future mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers.According to SlamDunk.com, Mr. Iverson, 38, has yet to come to terms with the fact that his playing career
- [Republican Drive to Impeach Obama Focuses on His Biracial Status](https://www.pugbus.org/republican-drive-to-impeach-obama-focuses-on-his-biracial-status/) - House Republicans, who have been accused of being racists for wanting to impeach President Obama, have issued their strongest denial of that charge to date. In fact, it is their first denial because Republicans who want to impeach the president know it's pointless to deny charges of racism. A new impeachment-talking-points memo recently leaked to
- [Exclusive Interview with a Handicapped Parking Sticker Cheat](https://www.pugbus.org/exclusive-interview-with-a-handicapped-parking-sticker-cheat/) - We'll call him Ralph. He is one of a growing breed of white-collar hipster criminal: the handicapped-parking-sticker cheat. You can find him from Boston to Baha, parking illegally in a space reserved for someone less fortunate than he is. You can even find him in Delaware.On a late summer day Ralph parked his black-cherry-red Scion
- [Obama Invites Members of Congress to Screening of Syria Missile Strikes](https://www.pugbus.org/obama-invites-members-of-congress-to-screening-of-syria-missile-strikes/) - WASHINGTON–Demonstrating a seldom-seen willingness to engage with members of Congress on a personal level, President Barack Obama invited lawmakers who vote "yea" on his proposed bombing of Syria to attend a bipartisan White House screening of that event. According to the White House, all 535 members of Congress have received a party-style invitation via email,
- [Duquesne Students Creeped Out by Geraldo Rivera Selfie](https://www.pugbus.org/duquesne-students-creeped-out-by-geraldo-rivera-selfie/) - PITTSBURGH, Pa.–Duquesne University students circulated a Facebook petition early last week, urging school administrators not to allow Geraldo Rivera to participate in an upcoming panel discussion marking the 50th anniversary of JFK's assassination. By week's end the petition had been signed by more than three thousand students, 30 percent of the total graduate and undergraduate
- [Edward Snowden Reveals NSA Movie Piracy Techniques, Part 2](https://www.pugbus.org/edward-snowden-reveals-nsa-movie-piracy-techniques-part-2/) - Previously on Postcards from the Pug Bus, Edward Snowden revealed that National Security Agency (NSA) employees who were supposed to be monitoring movie piracy were actually pirating movies themselves, on and off the job. As Mr. Snowden observed, private citizens do not generally have access to the NSA's kind of mind-blowing computer power; but pirating
- [Edward Snowden Reveals NSA Movie Piracy Techniques, Part 2](https://www.pugbus.org/edward-snowden-reveals-nsa-movie-piracy-techniques-part-2-2/) - Previously on Postcards from the Pug Bus, Edward Snowden revealed that National Security Agency (NSA) employees who were supposed to be monitoring movie piracy were actually pirating movies themselves, on and off the job. As Mr. Snowden observed, private citizens do not generally have access to the NSA's kind of mind-blowing computer power; but pirating
- [St. Polycarp, Patron Saint of Earwig Sufferers](https://www.pugbus.org/st-polycarp-patron-saint-of-earwig-sufferers/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Catholics, as well as Anglicans and Lutherans, suffering from an earwig, a scrap of a song that gets stuck in a person's head and plays on auto loop for days on end, can find relief by praying to St. Polycarp of Symrna, the patron saint of earwig sufferers. Polycarp, who died in 167
- [Pastor Says Obama's Speech on Syria Will Launch Antichrist Campaign](https://www.pugbus.org/pastor-says-obamas-speech-on-syria-will-launch-antichrist-campaign/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–A local pastor warns that when President Obama addresses the nation Tuesday night, he will be selling not only a war on Syria but also his vision of an America ruled by sharia law, which decrees, among other things, that "jihad is the duty of every Muslim and Muslim head of state (caliph)"
- [Obama Allows Gas Stations and Bars to Begin Offering Flu Shots](https://www.pugbus.org/obama-allows-gas-stations-and-bars-to-begin-offering-flu-shots/) - In a move that critics say is calculated to detract from the cluster bomb that passes for his Syria policy, President Obama signed an executive order yesterday authorizing gas stations and bars to begin offering flu shots. The order is an addendum to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the cluster bomb known as
- [Study Links Obesity to Increase in Cyber Crimes](https://www.pugbus.org/study-links-obesity-to-increase-in-cyber-crimes/) - FOSTER CITY, Ca.–A study conducted by the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) reveals that obesity is no longer an impediment to committing crimes such as bullying and sexual harassment. The availability of high speed Internet connections now puts these and other "mobility-friendly" crimes within the reach of obese and even morbidly obese people
- [Rosetta Stone Releases Pig Latin App for iPhone 5s](https://www.pugbus.org/rosetta-stone-releases-pig-latin-app-for-iphone-5s/) - The buzz around Apple's new iPhone 5s just got louder. Rosetta Stone®, the world's leading, computer-based, language-instruction company, announced the release of its new Pig Latin App in time for the iPhone launch on Friday. The app, which provides full access to Rosetta Stone®'s ten-volume Pig Latin instructional set, has been redesigned for business persons,
- [Obama Orders Name Change for Tomahawk Missiles](https://www.pugbus.org/obama-orders-name-change-for-tomahawk-missiles/) - WASHINGTON–Although he has not been able to persuade Congress to give him permission to bomb Syria, President Obama demonstrated yesterday that a president, no matter how beleaguered, still has some juice up his sleeve. In a brief ceremony held in the Rose Garden, the president issued an executive order changing the name of the Tomahawk
- [Pope Francis Reveals Plans to Celebrate Halloween This Year](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-francis-reveals-plans-to-celebrate-halloween-this-year/) - VATICAN CITY–In yet another move that Catholics are applauding the world over, Pope Francis I announced yesterday that he plans to go trick or treating this Halloween. The pope's decision is being called a historic one, as he will be the first pope in the Modern Papal Era (post 1231 CE) to participate actively in
- [God Declares "Atheism Is Dead"            ](https://www.pugbus.org/god-declares-atheism-is-dead/) - In an exclusive interview with The New York Times Book Review, God declared confidently that atheism is "deader than the Dead Sea Scrolls" and atheists have only themselves to blame. Although he was a few minutes late for the meeting—"I thought I was supposed to be at The New York Review of Books"—God had his A game with him.
- [Lights Out Light Bulb Quiz for Dummies](https://www.pugbus.org/lights-out-light-bulb-quiz-for-dummies/) - Every so often one comes across a statement that makes the hairs on the tops of one's toes stand up. "It's time to start thinking about light bulbs the way we think about appliances" is one of those statements. Say again? Think about light bulbs the way we think about appliances? You mean like, "Hey,
- [Guido Barilla Announces New Regina Brand Pasta](https://www.pugbus.org/guido-barilla-announces-new-regina-brand-pasta/) - PARMA, Italy–Guido Barilla, chairman of the Barilla Group, the world's leading pasta manufacturer, announced yesterday that his company plans to introduce a "boutique" pasta line known as Regina early next year. A pun on an Italian slang term meaning queen or homosexual, the Regina brand will cater to "the type of people—reginas and lesbiche—not permitted in traditional Barilla advertising," said
- [WNBA Finals Will Proceed Despite Government Shutdown](https://www.pugbus.org/wnba-finals-will-proceed-despite-government-shutdown/) - Proving once again that it is capable of meeting any challenge, the Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA) announced today that it will hold its championship series as scheduled, beginning this Sunday in Minneapolis, despite the current government shutdown. "We know that a lot of people may have been distracted (from the upcoming finals) by the
- [Pennsylvania Governor Torches Interview With Bizarre Marriage Metaphors](https://www.pugbus.org/pennsylvania-governor-compares-same-sex-marriage-to-incest/) - HARRISBURG, Pa.—During a local TV interview yesterday, a well-known Pennsylvania politician attempted to explain his views on marriage policy and immediately demonstrated why his communications staff should never be allowed to take vacations. When asked about an marriage analogy one of his legal advisors had made, the governor nodded solemnly, took a confident practice swing,
- [Chinese Altar Breads Flooding American Market](https://www.pugbus.org/chinese-altar-breads-flooding-american-market/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–The ultra-competitive altar bread market has been thrown into a cocked miter by the emergence of Chinese players in this sacramental arena, but at least one of their American counterparts does not seem inclined to turn the other cheek. "We are a Christian nation, and they have the audacity to sell sweatshop altar breads over
- [New iPad 5 Will Introduce Fading Keypad Letters](https://www.pugbus.org/new-ipad-5-will-introduce-fading-keypad-letters/) - The big whisper from the Apple campus here in Cupertino is that Apple's new iPad 5 and iPad Mimi 2 will introduce fading keypad letters. This innovation, one of several iPad redesign elements in the offing, has the potential to be the breakout star of Apple's fall launch event scheduled for October 22. "Our development
- [Pope Francis OK with Miley Cyrus Remark](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-francis-ok-with-miley-cyrus-remark/) - VATICAN CITY–Pope Francis told the website Hunger TV that people should not be so quick to condemn Miley Cyrus for saying she didn't want some "seventy-year-old Jewish man that doesn’t leave his desk all day, telling me what the clubs want to hear." Speaking via Skype, his holiness said, "The young people I follow on
- [God "Sick and Tired of Being Everybody's Damn Witness"](https://www.pugbus.org/god-sick-and-tired-of-being-everybodys-damn-witness/) - HEAVEN–The Lord God Almighty has had it up to his Charlton Heston-like brow with people who say "as god is my witness" when they want to underscore a statement or a threat. "Have you any idea how many times a day some fool who is overwrought, argumentative, drunk, or all three, calls on me to
- [God Is Only Ninth in Fantasy Football League](https://www.pugbus.org/god-is-only-ninth-in-fantasy-football-league/) - WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father's IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition. "We could just as soon be winless if it weren't for a couple
- [Postcards from the Pug Bus On Holiday](https://www.pugbus.org/postcards-from-the-pug-bus-on-holiday/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's slowest-growing satire site, is going on holiday. As several members of our entourage are not permitted to leave the commonwealth, we will be vacationing in lovely, 99.9-percent-rural Tioga County, four hours and at least two worlds from our house. We regret the inconvenience to our dozens
- [Edward Snowden Leaks NSA Abuse of Movie Pirating Protocol](https://www.pugbus.org/edward-snowden-leaks-nsa-abuse-of-movie-pirating-protocol/) - WEST CHESTER, Pa.–In perhaps his most controversial revelation yet, Edward Snowden has leaked details of the National Security Agency (NSA) misuse of the protocol for pirating movies. The latest Snowden leak reveals that NSA employees who are supposed to be monitoring movie piracy are actually pirating movies themselves. This information was published simultaneously in the Washington
- [How Well Do You Know Schrödinger’s Cat?](https://www.pugbus.org/how-well-do-you-know-schrodingers-cat/) - For most of us Schrödinger’s cat is a meme without a meaning. Chances are we have seen a reference to this elusive feline somewhere in a book, article, movie, or television show; but chances are equal that we really don’t know jump-all about this creature. Therefore, the Pug Bus has devised the following quiz about
- [Andre Bissette, the Patron Saint of Viagra](https://www.pugbus.org/andre-bissette-the-patron-saint-of-viagra/) - The Catholic Church "teaches" that god calls each one of us to be a saint. Most people treat such invitations as crank calls, but your more impressionable types scurry out to get fitted for a sackcloth hoodie and a bed of nails. One such loser was André Bessette (1845-1937), whose feast day is celebrated today.
- [Tom Brady's Head Deflates at Press Conference](https://www.pugbus.org/tom-bradys-head-deflates-at-press-conference/) - As Tom Brady denied any wrongdoing in the illegal deflation of the footballs used by his New England Patriots in the first half of their 45-7 beat down of the Indianapolis Colts last Sunday, reporters at Mr. Brady's press conference began to murmur among themselves uneasily. Their discomfort was not caused by the absurdity of
- [Web Founder, Tim Berners-Lee, Finally Admits He Misspelled Worldwide](https://www.pugbus.org/web-founder-tim-berners-lee-finally-admits-he-misspelled-worldwide/) - GENEVA - Tim Berners-Lee, the father of the world wide web, finally has admitted that he misspelling "worldwide" when he created the web twenty years ago. Mr. Berners-Lee was employed as a junior programmer at a nuclear research center near Geneva, Switzerland, when he wrote a proposal that led eventually to the creation of the
- [Apple To Reveal Shocker at Annual Event](https://www.pugbus.org/apple-to-reveal-shocker-at-annual-event/) - SAN FRANCISCO, Ca.–As the tech world holds its breath waiting for Apple's Christmas-in-September party today, rumors are swirling that the Cupertino giant has a major surprise up its sleeve–or up its ass, to be more precise. "The iButt, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today," said an inside source at
- [Ellen DeGeneres Wins Dunce Cap of the Moment Again](https://www.pugbus.org/976-2/) - Ellen DeGeneres, with a face only another woman could love, has planted that face, and the head to which it is attached, firmly up her butt again. Miss DeGeneres, a putative vegan, has been outed by several animal-advocacy groups because her new ED lifestyle clothing line is being expanded to accommodate merde like suede Grace
- [Roger Daltrey's Hair Forces Cancellation of Who Tour](https://www.pugbus.org/roger-daltreys-hair-forces-cancellation-of-who-tour/) - LONDON–Complications surrounding singer Roger Daltrey's hair have forced The Who to postpone a North American tour that had been scheduled to begin on September 24 in Portland, Oregon. According to a press release issued by the band's Who's Left productions, Mr. Daltrey's hair, 71, contracted follicular meningitis and was ordered by a doctor to rest.
- [This Is Your Horoscope on Mushrooms for 9/21/15](https://www.pugbus.org/this-is-your-horoscope-on-mushrooms-for-9-21-15/) - Born today you share a birthday and certain disquieting tendencies with author Stephen King, 68, actor Luke Wilson, 44, and former celebrity Nicole Richie, 34. Perhaps you are also the same height as one of these boobs, a trait whose significance is frequently overlooked by lesser astrologers. If you are short for your height, as
- [Pope Gets His Butt Grabbed: You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/pope-gets-his-ass-grabbed-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - What nerve! What glorious, unalloyed nerve! Pope don't support gay marriage? Pope thinks guy-on-guy reach-arounds are a sin? Gay dude gets cheeky with Da Pontiff's right cheek. Considering the pope's eighteenth-century views on women, it's a wonder that the only chick allowed near His High and Mightiness in this photo didn't yank the Papal Pee-pee
- [All-White Diversity Philly Magazine Cover: You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/all-white-diversity-philly-magazine-cover-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - What do you get when a magazine runs a cover story about diversity in Philadelphia's public schools and the photo of cherubic elementary school kids on the cover includes nary a brown, black, beige, tan, yellow, red, brindled, or burnt umber face—just seven cheerful white kids sitting on a low-slung brick wall, their iPhones and
- [When Francis Met Kim](https://www.pugbus.org/when-francis-met-kim/) - WASHINGTON, D.C.—His Supreme Excellency Pope Francis—in addition to meeting with the Harlem Globe Trotters, Vice-President “Meadowlark” Biden (who presented him with a photo of Mr. Biden’s late son, Beau), illegal immigrants, disabled illegal immigrants, and the AARP’s Seniors’ Transgender Alliance—also conspired to meet secretly with Kim Davis at the Vatican’s underground bunker in Washington, D.C.
- [Stay the Hell Home, Mick Jagger](https://www.pugbus.org/stay-the-fuck-home-mick-jagger-the-pug-bus-blog-2/) - Dear Mick,I see where you dragged your withered buttocks on stage the other day to croak your way through “Satisfaction” with that towering mediocrity Taylor Swift. Well, she towered over you that’s for sure, in more ways than one. What in the name of all that's wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you, you
- [What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know I](https://www.pugbus.org/what-did-pope-francis-know-and-when-did-he-know-i/) - WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount
- [#blacklivesmatter Campaign Launched at Dunkin’ Donuts](https://www.pugbus.org/blacklivesmatter-campaign-launched-at-dunkin-donuts/) - Dunkin’ Donuts’ new #blacklivesmatter campaign hit a speed bump after it had been rolled out in Providence, Rhode Island, last Friday. Matter of fact, the campaign hit a police cruiser when a Dunkin’ Donuts employee wrote “#blacklivesmatter” on the side of a patrolman’s coffee cup. “I paid for that coffee,” said the officer, who is
- [Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken](https://www.pugbus.org/vegans-celebrate-paul-prudhommes-death-with-tofu-seitan-turducken/) - WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday October 17 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme, who is alleged to have created the turducken, "a hideous monstrosity" comprising a deboned chicken shoved inside a deboned duck, which is, in
- [Yesterday's Saint, Pope Callistus I, The Tell-All Biography](https://www.pugbus.org/yesterdays-saint-pope-callistus-i-the-tell-all-biography/) - Suppose that Mitt Romney, after losing the 2012 Presidential Election to Barack Obama, somehow manipulated his way into writing not only the official biography of Mr. Obama but also the only one available. We should not be surprised if it contained facts such as “Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim; he was born in Kenya
- [Blackwater, RIAA Join Forces to Combat Music Piracy](https://www.pugbus.org/blackwater-riaa-join-forces-to-combat-music-piracy/) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - Blackwater USA, the rogue security company accused of sport killing innocent civilians in Iraq, has agreed to provide "tactical enforcement capabilities" for the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). "We are proud to be working with the RIAA," said Blackwater founder, Erik Prince, on 60 Minutes Sunday night. "Every time a scumbag college kid
- [Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA](https://www.pugbus.org/windows-10-officially-labeled-malware-by-ncsa/) - The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving "countless troubling reports" of Microsoft's having "gone rogue" in promoting and distributing Windows 10. "Microsoft's disregard for the integrity of the
- [Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Dunce Cap of the Moment](https://www.pugbus.org/lena-van-haren-of-everett-middle-school-is-ass-hat-of-the-week/) - Just when you think progressives couldn't possibly do anything more bat-guano crazy than some of the things they've done already, along comes some bat-guano crazy progressive with her head parked in storage crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic responsibility. That headless horseperson would be Lena Van Haren, principal
- [Colleges Offer Halloween Costume Counseling: You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/colleges-offer-halloween-costume-counseling-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - Not content with declaring war on date rape, Columbus Day, free speech, men who urinate standing up, and other impediments to the establishment of the nanny state/matriarchal society, colleges have taken dead aim on Halloween, a day fraught with the perils of political incorrectness. The State University of New York at Geneseo and Wesleyan University,
- [NFL to Install 200 Gender-Appropriate Bathrooms for Super Bowl LI](https://www.pugbus.org/nfl-to-install-200-gender-appropriate-bathrooms-for-super-bowl-li/) - HOUSTON–The National Football League promises that Super Bowl LI, scheduled to be played in Houston on February 5, 2017, will be “the most all-inclusive, welcoming, and gender-affirmative Super Bowl in history.” The foundation of all that welcoming and affirmation will be two hundred “special bowls,” the centerpieces of new gender-appropriate rest rooms to be installed
- [Trump Win Puts Neo-Nazi German Villages on Tourism Map](https://www.pugbus.org/trump-win-puts-neo-nazi-german-villages-on-tourism-map/) - As though to acknowledge that fashion is indeed the universal language, Globus® and other purveyors of European package tours have added Wibbese, Jamal, and half a dozen other picturesque, rural German villages to their spring itineraries. The move, says Globus® marketing director Earl Witherspoon, is our way of saying that fashion trumps ideology in the
- [NCTE Outraged over Time’s Choice of the Clitoris as Person of the Year](https://www.pugbus.org/ncte-outraged-over-times-choice-of-the-clitoris-as-person-of-the-year/) - The National Council for Transgender Equality (NCTE) charged today that Time magazine’s choice of the clitoris as its 2015 Person of the Year “invalidates the narratives” of thousands of transgender women around the world. “By conferring this award on the clitoris,” said the NCTE, “Time mocks transgender women everywhere, who are not considered part of this award because
- [Sticking It to The Military-Athletic Complex](https://www.pugbus.org/sticking-it-to-the-military-athletic-complex-pug-bus-blog-3/) - The military-athletic complex is a pain in my NFL-watching butt. I detest the ginormous flag rollouts that precede most games, the stupid camouflage gear that coaches wear on the sidelines, the fan-boy announcers kissing camouflage backsides and waxing all moist over “our brave fighting men and women who keep us safe,” the staged reunions between
- [Hello Barbie Hears All and Tells All           ](https://www.pugbus.org/hello-barbie-hears-all-and-tells-all/) - Something called the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) wants you to know that Hello Barbieâ„¢ is the most sordid and contemptible toy ever sold this year. According to CCFC founder, Susan Linn, Hello Barbieâ„¢ is "creepy and creates a host of dangers for children and families." Wondering what could be so terrible about that, we
- [Consumer Reports Road Rage Survey for 2015](https://www.pugbus.org/consumer-reports-road-rage-survey-for-2015/) - According to Consumer Reports 2015 Road Rage Survey, the most likely road rage perpetrator this year was a male between thirty-five and fifty driving a blue, late-model BMW on a Tuesday afternoon at roughly 5:45. This is the second year in row that BMW is the road rage vehicular weapon of choice. Range Rover and Audi were
- [Fabian, Patron Saint of Dove Fanciers](https://www.pugbus.org/fabian-patron-saint-of-dove-fanciers/) - WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—Fabian d’Fabiano, whose name literally means “Fabian, Son of the Son of Fabian,“ was a poor excuse for an olive farmer, who lived outside Rome. To supplement his pitiful income he raised doves for racing and companionship and, when all else failed, food. In 236 CE—shortly after the tragic yet unforeseen [sic] death
- [Mike Ditka Is the New Face of Lane Bryant             ](https://www.pugbus.org/mike-ditka-is-the-new-face-of-lane-bryant/) - In a move certain to raise eyebrows if not hem lines, Lane Bryant is set to introduce former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka as the new face of plus-size women’s clothing at a press conference tomorrow. Although Lane Bryant CEO Charles McKee would neither confirm nor deny this report, a source close to Coach Ditka
- [Charlotte Rampling Says Fuss Over Cam Newton Is Racist to White QBs](https://www.pugbus.org/charlotte-rampling-says-fuss-over-cam-newton-is-racist-to-white-qbs/) - CANCUN—Oscar nominee Charlotte Rampling said yesterday that “all this codswallop” about Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, who is African American, "is racist to white quarterbacks." Speaking on Telemundo’s “Centro de Deportes” in fluent Spanish, Ms. Rampling, 69, observed, “To my knowledge there have been only two black quarterbacks to win the Super Bowl. Doug Williams
- [What Would Nixon Do? You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/what-would-nixon-do-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - We were watching the Villanova-Temple game last night, half paying attention to an interview with a former Temple player, half poking around on our tablets, half Summoning the green muse, when what to our wandering eyes should appear but the accompanying image. "Holy hopping merde," we sputtered, "that's funny." Then we got to thinking: what,
- [Road Rage Trails in Consumer Reports Survey](https://www.pugbus.org/road-rage-trails-in-consumer-reports-survey/) - When Consumer Reports conducted research for its 2015 road rage survey, published on December 31 last year, the magazine included for the first time questions about other forms of rage that sully our lives. “Road rage gets the headlines because it’s more sexy than other kinds of rage,” said Edward Bennett, CR’s director of consumer research, “but to
- [Coldplay Criticized for Lily White Super Bowl Message](https://www.pugbus.org/coldplay-criticized-for-lily-white-super-bowl-message/)
- [NBA To Offer Autistic-Only Bathrooms for 2017 All-Star Game](https://www.pugbus.org/nba-to-offer-autistic-only-bathrooms-for-2017-all-star-game/) - The National Basketball Association (NBA), bowing to pressure from the radical autism-rights group Autism Speaks (AS), has promised to install "a prorated number" of autism-friendly restrooms at next year's all star game, "no matter where it's ultimately played." The league is already under pressure from LGBTQWERTY groups, who want the game moved from Charlotte, North
- [Duke University Lacrosse Team Reinstated After Counseling](https://www.pugbus.org/duke-university-lacrosse-team-reinstated-after-counseling/) - Duke University's men's lacrosse team has been reinstated after team members found to be deficient in language arts successfully completed mandatory counseling, said university president, Richard Brodhead, yesterday. Mr. Brodhead ordered the counseling two months ago after an e-mail written by sophomore team member Ryan McFadyen, 19, of Mendham, N.J., had been made public. Mr.
- [Gennifer Flowers Vows to Go Commando at First Debate](https://www.pugbus.org/gennifer-flowers-vows-to-go-commando-at-first-debate/) - NEW YORK—Gennifer Flowers, one-time cum-dumpster for then governor of Arkansas, William Jefferson Blythe Clinton, says she will “go commando” at Monday night’s first presidential debate. Ms. Flowers, an “entertainment industry consultant and advocate for women’s rights,” was invited to the debate by Republican candidate Donald Trump. “Yeah, I reached out to her,” said Mr. Trump,
- [Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil: You Can't Photoshop This](https://www.pugbus.org/pumpkin-spice-motor-oil-you-cant-photoshop-this/) - What's next? Beef jerky? Cabbage? Toothpaste? Kitty litter? Toilet paper? Condoms? Quiche? Marmite? Sushi? Goulash? Potato chips? Driveway sealer? Edamame? Marijuana? Edible underwear? Fish sticks? Hamburger Helper? Glasses cleaner? FYI: According to the Chicagoist, "1996 brings the first reference we can find to pumpkin spice coffee, the beginning of pumpkin spice’s downfall."
- [The Nativity Story Is a Pious, Stinking, Goddamn Fraud       ](https://www.pugbus.org/the-nativity-story-is-a-pious-stinking-goddamn-fraud/) - Many Christians, especially those who think it their constitutional right to set up a stlly crèche on the courthouse lawn once a year, believe that the four canonical gospels provide consistent versions of the story of Jesus' birth. Matter of fact, they do not. To begin, Jesus' birth is described in only two gospels—one attributed
- [Neo-Nazi Richard B. Spencer to Grace GQ Cover](https://www.pugbus.org/neo-nazi-richard-b-spencer-to-grace-gq-cover/) - Richard B. Spencer, who has been called the Golden Boy of the Alt-Right, will adorn the cover of GQ’s February 2017 (Valentine Day) issue. The handsome, natty, and oh-so-controversial Mr. Spencer, who seeks to spread the gospel of white nationalism, is already spreading the gospel that “Neo-Nazis” are a far cry sartorially from their goose-stepping, jack-booted,
- [Huff Post Scribbler Gets Dunce Cap Award for Setting New Lows in Virtue Signaling](https://www.pugbus.org/huffington-post-scribbler-sets-new-lows-for-virtue-signaling/) - Huffington Post scribbler Cole Delbyck has got himself a dunce cap for vowing never to watch Last Tango in Paris again. He put on his big-boy pants and proudly announced his resolve in a mawkish exercise in virtue signaling entitled, "That Famous Rape Scene In 'Last Tango in Paris' Was In Fact Not Consensual, Director
- [WikiLeaks Reveals Identity of Time’s Person of the Year](https://www.pugbus.org/wikileaks-reveals-identity-of-times-person-of-the-year/) - NEW YORK—Fresh off its revelation of the Democrats' blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama. “If there truly is a forgotten man in America today, the white half of Barack Obama is it,” writes Time in
- [Alt-right Satire Site Wants Photos of Naked Progressives](https://www.pugbus.org/alt-right-satire-site-wants-photos-of-naked-progressives/) - WEST CHESTER, PA—Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn't afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl clutching and fainting, my fellow
- [BLM Threatens to Disrupt Giants-Lions Game This Sunday](https://www.pugbus.org/blm-threatens-to-disrupt-giants-lions-game-this-sunday-2/) - Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday. It’s difficult to imagine Eli Manning “disrespecting” anyone, apart from the New England Patriots in two Super Bowls. Mr.
- [God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming](https://www.pugbus.org/god-says-he-never-saw-this-election-coming/) - The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his leonine head slowly and continued,
- [Keith Richards Picks Donald Trump in Electoral College Vote](https://www.pugbus.org/keith-richards-picks-donald-trump-in-electoral-college-vote/) - Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when "those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow." Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years, is famous for a life punctuated by one near-death experience after another. "I mean,
- [Alt-right Website Explains Difference Between Nazi and Roman Salutes](https://www.pugbus.org/alt-right-website-explains-difference-between-nazi-and-roman-salutes/) - Dear Friedrich,I was on my way to a cell meeting the other day when I met a friend on the street who greeted me with a raised-arm salute. I wanted to return her greeting, yet I couldn't tell whether she had given me a Roman or a Nazi salute, and I didn't want to commit
- [Barack Obama’s “Other” Half Is a White Nationalist](https://www.pugbus.org/barack-obamas-other-half-is-a-white-nationalist/) - Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his “existential
- [Black Lives Matter Calls for Boycott of White Avatars](https://www.pugbus.org/black-lives-matter-calls-for-boycott-of-white-avatars/) - D’Aryll Scott-Jones, Director of All Things That Matter of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites "that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections." Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks to National Public Radio's Terri Gross. "White avatars allow bigoted crackers to spew their venom while
- [Michael Moore Urges Simultaneous Toilet Flush on Inauguration Day](https://www.pugbus.org/michael-moore-urges-simultaneous-toilet-flush-on-inauguration-day/) - FLINT, MI—In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day. “It’s our version of draining the swamp,” said Mr. Moore. “We call it swamping the drains.” According to Mr. Moore,
- [Facebook Presents the Twelve Genders of Christmas](https://www.pugbus.org/facebook-presents-the-twelve-genders-of-christmas-2/) - Facebook is a festering boil on the right (butt) cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving disco boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Face Bookers forty-nine more gender choices (fifty-on) than they needed (two), Zipper Boy stuffed twenty additional gender choices up the alt-right's (posterior). We are,
- [Trump Praises Pug Bus for Official English Policy](https://www.pugbus.org/trump-praises-pug-bus-for-official-english-policy/) - President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. Currently English is the official language in thirty-two states, which require that state government business be conducted in English. “We must not allow ourselves to become a nation of Babels, like Canada, or Hawaii, which has
- [God Throws Shade on Rainbow Bridge Myth](https://www.pugbus.org/god-throws-shade-on-rainbow-bridge-myth/) - HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts today when The Lord God Almighty issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets "are made young and healthy again" while they wait for their owners to join them.

## Pages

- [Style Guide](https://www.pugbus.org/style-guide/) - If you are lacking in style, we have some guidance for you--The Chicago Manual of Style. It is our bible, and we consider it inspired word. It will not make you suddenly more clever, but it will make your writing more clear ... and that is sometimes as good as it needs to be. (https://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/home.html)
- [Contact Page](https://www.pugbus.org/contact/) - Postcards from the Pug Bus welcomes reader feedback, corrections, observations, and genial correspondence. If you want to reach the editorial team regarding site content, publication practices, or other inquiries, please use the contact method below. We read all messages, but the volume and the nature of submissions may be such that we cannot guarantee individual
- [Editorial Policy](https://www.pugbus.org/editorial-policy/) - Purpose of This Site Postcards from the Pug Bus (pugbus.org) is a long-running satirical publication founded in 2004. The site publishes satirical humor, commentary, parody, and cultural criticism in written and visual form. Content is intended to entertain, to provoke thought, and to exaggerate, while criticizing, reality. It is not intended to function as factual
- [Blog](https://www.pugbus.org/5b349-blog/)
- [Dunce Caps](https://www.pugbus.org/ass-hats/)
- [Fashion](https://www.pugbus.org/fashion/)
- [U.S. News](https://www.pugbus.org/u-s-news/)
- [News](https://www.pugbus.org/news/)
- [Technology](https://www.pugbus.org/technology/)
- [Religion](https://www.pugbus.org/religion/)
- [Lifestyle](https://www.pugbus.org/lifestyle/)
- [Quantum Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/quantum-horoscopes/) - Time to start thinking outside the box. If life gives you lemons, why not make filet of sole with a lemon-wedge garnish? If the chickens come home to roost, get out the Shake 'n' Bake. Who cares for whom the damn bell tolls anyway? Let the answering machine get it. Dyslexia Major begins an extended
- [About Us](https://www.pugbus.org/about-us/) - Presenting, though not always proudly, the Pug Bus editorial board. We are not your trusted guides through life's soft-focus, rom-com moments. We are the opposite. Broadcasting from the edge of cultural collapse since 2004, we exist to make mockery a lifestyle and satire a public service. If you're looking for warm hugs and earnest thought
- [Flash Fiction](https://www.pugbus.org/flash-fiction/) - “A collection of original flash fiction, micro-stories, and satirical short pieces. Good laughs come in small packages.”
- [Newsletter](https://www.pugbus.org/newsletter/) - [newsletter]

## Categories

- [Book of Daze](https://www.pugbus.org/category/book-of-daze/) - Celebrating humanity’s coolest holidays—the forgotten, fabricated, and frankly deranged observances nobody asked for but everybody needs. From Strip Poker Day to Play Marbles Day, we honor the absurd calendar events that prove civilization peaked early.
- [Blog](https://www.pugbus.org/category/blog/) - The Pug Bus blog, where uncommon sense, satire, and a conservative streak a mile wide come to thrive and gloat. These random observations from the void are where we dump thoughts too weird for categories–life advice for people who have given up, cultural critiques nobody requested. If it explodes, at least you will die interesting.
- [News](https://www.pugbus.org/category/news/) - Current events filtered through our jaundiced worldview. By the time you read this, everything is already worse. We report what happened, add contempt, and call it a service. The truth hurts; we just twist the knife.
- [Technology](https://www.pugbus.org/category/technology/) - Silicon Valley hubris meets reality’s tire iron. We’ve watched tech bros promise utopia and deliver dystopia for ternty-one years. Every app’s a scam, every update breaks something. Progress is a pyramid scheme with Wi-Fi. Mocking all those gadgets, apps, and digital overlords driving humanity into glorious snot-flinging absurdity.
- [Weed](https://www.pugbus.org/category/weed/) - Welcome to the Unholy Church of ChronicThis is where we light a candle for the strain that saved your sanity, mock the one that turned you into a sniveling paranoid chipmunk, and praise the holy trinity of bong, bowl, and blunt. No fake wellness talk here—just irreverent, satirical, red-eyed dispatches from the edge of the couch. Not to be mistaken for endorsing the use of cannabis.
- [Religion](https://www.pugbus.org/category/religion/) - Skewering invisible friends in the sky–angels, hosts, seraphim, cherubim, and figments of fevered imaginations get equal treatment here. We do not believe, but we are absolutely fascinated by people who pretend they do.
- [Dunce Caps](https://www.pugbus.org/category/dunce-caps/) - Crowning clowns, grifters, and blowhards—satirical consequence culture at its sharpest.
- [Sporting Life](https://www.pugbus.org/category/sporting-life/) - Skewering games, players, coaches, and fans with satire sharper than a referee’s worst call. Sports is religion for people who peaked in high school. We are here to remind everyone it is just grown men playing grab-ass.
- [Uncategorized](https://www.pugbus.org/category/uncategorized/)
- [Culture](https://www.pugbus.org/category/culture/) - Pop culture dissection with a rusty scalpel. We have mocked trends, movements, and moments since 2004 because someone needs to tell society it is wearing no clothes. Spoiler: society does not care, but we persist anyway.
- [Music](https://www.pugbus.org/category/music/)
- [Innerviews](https://www.pugbus.org/category/innerviews/) - Fictional conversations with real people who probably would not talk to us otherwise. From Bitcoin losers to historical prophets, we ask questions nobody approved and print answers we completely fabricated. Journalism’s dead anyway.
- [Celebrity Shockers](https://www.pugbus.org/category/celebrities/) - Famous people doing stupid things, documented with surgical precision since 2004. We catalog every meltdown, mugshot, and career implosion so you can feel better about your own disasters. Fame fades. Screenshots don’t.
- [Pug Bus Pop Quiz](https://www.pugbus.org/category/pug-bus-pop/)
- [You Can't PhotoShop This](https://www.pugbus.org/category/cant-photoshop-this/)
- [U.S. News](https://www.pugbus.org/category/usnews/)
- [Our Gang](https://www.pugbus.org/category/our-gang/)
- [Portal](https://www.pugbus.org/category/portal/)
- [You Can't Satirize This](https://www.pugbus.org/category/cant-satirize/)
- [Politics](https://www.pugbus.org/category/politics/)
- [Horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/category/horoscopes/) - The Daily Irregular Horoscope — Twelve signs. Zero mercy. We torch your astrological delusions every morning with cosmic shade and existential snark. Bookmark now, return when Mercury’s gaslighting gets unbearable. Your stars never loved you anyway.
- [Flash](https://www.pugbus.org/category/pugbus-org-category-flash-fiction/) - A collection of flash fiction and micro-stories. Think literary drive-bys and tiny grenades of wit.
- [Top Ten Lists](https://www.pugbus.org/category/top-ten-lists/) - The Pug Bus’s rankings, irreverent countdowns, and brutally funny takes on culture and life in America.”
- [What Would Nietzsche Do?](https://www.pugbus.org/category/nietzsche/) - Got problems? Nietzsche has opinions. The mustachioed prophet of the abyss takes time out from killing God to answer your questions about dating, careers, family, and the futility of it all. Expect zero comfort, minimal empathy, and the occasional glimmer of terrifying truth.
- [Book of Daze](https://www.pugbus.org/category/bookof-daze/)
- [Speaking Ill of the Dead](https://www.pugbus.org/category/speaking-ill/)

## Tags

- [marijuana](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/marijuana/)
- [jesus](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/jesus/)
- [flash fiction](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/flash-fiction/)
- [sex](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/sex/)
- [horoscopes](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/horoscopes/)
- [Morgan Wallen](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/morgan-wallen/)
- [AI](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/ai/)
- [grammar](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/grammar/)
- [Keith Urban](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/keith-urban/)
- [toilet paper](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/toilet-paper/)
- [Dixie Chicks](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/dixie-chicks/)
- [air fryer](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/air-fryer/)
- [Joe Paterno](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/joe-paterno/)
- [book-of-daze](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/book-of-daze/)
- [top ten lists](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/top-ten-lists/)
- [cultural commentary](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/cultural-commentary/)
- [50-Word Stories](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/50-word-stories/)
- [Micro Satire](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/micro-satire/)
- [Dark Humor](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/dark-humor/)
- [Brevity is the Soul](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/brevity-is-the-soul/)
- [Twist Ending](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/twist-ending/)
- [Surrealism](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/surrealism/)
- [top ten list](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/top-ten-list/)
- [tech satire](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/tech-satire/)
- [celebrity shockers](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/celebrity-shockers/)
- [blog](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/blog/)
- [satirical commentary](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/satirical-commentary/)
- [Britney Spears](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/britney-spears/)
- [religious satire](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/religious-satire/)
- [Bad Bunny Super Bowl Protest](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/bad-bunny-super-bowl-protest/)
- [news](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/news/)
- [subscription metaphysics](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/subscription-metaphysics/)
- [saints alive.](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/saints-alive/)
- [sporting life](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/sporting-life/)
- [celebrity shocker](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/celebrity-shocker/)
- [dunce cap](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/dunce-cap/)
- [rehab](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/rehab/)
- [Tom Cruise](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/tom-cruise/)
- [dunce caps](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/dunce-caps/)
- [cultural commentray](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/cultural-commentray/)
- [religion](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/religion/)
- [quiz](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/quiz/)
- [interviews](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/interviews/)
- [cultutal commentary](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/cultutal-commentary/)
- [nietzsche](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/nietzsche/)
- [technology](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/technology/)
- [Paris Hilton](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/paris-hilton/)
- [Lindsay Lohan](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/lindsay-lohan/)
- [trump](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/trump/)
- [grammar grump](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/grammar-grump/)
- [dog](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/dog/)
- [football](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/football/)
- [marojuana](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/marojuana/)
- [sporting liffe](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/sporting-liffe/)
- [ciltural commentary](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/ciltural-commentary/)
- [cultural comentary](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/cultural-comentary/)
- [bookof-daze](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/bookof-daze/)
- [speakingill](https://www.pugbus.org/tag/speakingill/)