The Grammar Grump polices punctuation, throttles bad syntax, and lectures split infinitives with cranky delight. His column brings red-pen justice to an ungrammatical world — one dangling modifier at a time.
The Grammar Prick convenes the firing squad for crimes against language. Justice prepares to proofread.
Clichés are the herpes of human speech—once contracted, they flare up whenever people try to sound thoughtful. You hear them at brunches, board meetings, and funerals, wedding speeches, dinner parties, after parties, wherever two or more of you are gathered together. They dribble from the mouths of the well-schooled and… Read More
Today, boys and girls, we’re going to talk about irony and the shameful way that irony is gang raped in public by illiterate yobs too lazy to consult a dictionary and too proud to care. We begin with some definitions and examples, which you damn well better memorize. Irony is the… Read More
This morning I read the following sentence on a blog: “Anyone who thinks that having a child will improve their marriage has it all wrong.” Now I ask you, fellow English speakers, did you find any grammatical spanners in the works here? No, you say. There’s nothing to see here,… Read More
I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you’re staying quietly in your rooms, here’s a quiz to keep you amused. C’mon,… Read More
In today’s lesson, boys and girls, the Grammar Grump will attempt to teach you how not to write like an Arschloch. The best way to do that is by example. So here’s an example of “writing” so incontrovertibly bad that it wins the first leg of the Grammar Grump’s Crappy Writing… Read More
President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Grump to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Grumo is legendary for his animadversions against those who violate the rules of polite discourse, spoken or written. His work… Read More
That was some strange business that went down in Paris yesterday, wasn’t it, boys and girls? Couple of Muslim thugs and their fan boy killing all those people in the Charlie Hebdo magazine office over a few cartoons that took the mickey out of the prophet Muhammad. The Grammar Grump has to… Read More
While the Grammar Grump was watching a football game on television recently, an announcer declared, “Quarterbacks like Peyton Manning are a godsend.” What is wrong with that statement, boys and girls? 1) Peyton Manning, despite his success during the regular season, has a crap record in playoff games and has… Read More
Hello, boys and girls. The Grammar Grump has a treat for you today. Instead of our regular quiz designed to irritate you and to undermine your confidence in your “language arts skills,” we’re going to present our first Helmet Head® awards, which are designed to irritate “professionals” whose “language arts… Read More
While navigating the backwaters of the internet yesterday, I nearly ran aground on a website entitled The Neosecularist. What brought me up startled was this sentence: “There is some graphic descriptions of abortion procedures in this column.” Harrumph, I said to myself, and there is a graphic example of a language… Read More
While simultaneously watching The Hour on BBC America last night and reading Nina Burleigh’s The Fatal Gift of Beauty: The Trials of Amanda Knox, I heard one of the characters on The Hour refer to a choice between two unpleasant alternatives as a “Hobson’s choice.” “Bloody hell,” I muttered. “That’s not a Hobson’s choice. It’s… Read More
