Horoscopes Archives - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on pop culture since 2004

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Clowns or Mimes?

Marjorie Finkelstein, 64, retired dental hygienist

318 Willow Street, Scranton, PA

Mimes. At least they have the decency to suffer in silence. A clown wants you to participate in his emotional problems while he honks a horn and falls down. I spent thirty-seven years looking into people's mouths. I have had enough forced entertainment.

Raymond Bickford, 51, commercial refrigeration technician

76 Chestnut Lane, Akron, OH

Clowns. You know where you stand with a clown. He has enormous shoes, a drinking problem, and a car full of accomplices. A mime pretends to be trapped in an invisible box and expects applause. My brother-in-law has been doing that at Thanksgiving for twenty years. Nobody pays him.

Sheila Lattimore, 47, assistant county tax assessor

142 Birch Road, Des Moines, IA

Mimes, provided they remain outdoors. I once hired a clown for my daughter's birthday party. He arrived forty minutes late, smelled like gasoline, and asked whether we had a ladder. The children still talk about it. My daughter is twenty-three.

The stars have decided you are not worth the paperwork.

Horoscopes

Unscripted Horoscopes: The Stars Have Stopped Giving a Damn

As told to The Pug Bus horoscopes 3 days

The stars have grown tired of offering humanity guidance, only to watch it ignored by people who cannot merge onto a highway. The result? Unscripted… Read More

The Founding Fathers warned against foreign entanglements. Nobody thought to mention Mercury in retrograde.

Horoscopes

Presidential Horoscopes: The Stars and Stripes Have Spoken

Chip Hilton horoscopes 1 week

In this week’s Presidential Horoscopes, each zodiac sign is represented by an American president born under its celestial jurisdiction. The results suggest that naked ambition,… Read More

Zodiac signs gather around a golden shovel trophy at the Digger Awards, celebrating their greatest flops beneath Hollywood lights and a starry sky.

The stars were unavailable for comment, having already accepted responsibility for twelve other disasters.

Horoscopes

The Digger Award: Horoscopes’ Greatest Flops

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 weeks

Every zodiac sign has a greatest failure. An unforseen romantic disaster, a fatal career miscalculation, a sad investment in something advertised on late-night television. This… Read More

Warning Label horoscope illustration featuring a bored fortune teller, black cat, tarot cards, and crystal ball reading “Reality Sold Separately.”

A weary astrologer discovers the stars have finally lawyered up.

Horoscopes

Irregular Horoscopes: Your Personal Warning Label

As told to The Pug Bus horoscopes 3 weeks

The stars have spent thousands of years offering guidance, encouragement, and vague assurances about journeys. This week they have retained legal counsel, dissolved the zodiac,… Read More

Sobriety checkpoint at night as a quizzical driver looks up at a police officer beside her car amid flashing lights and traffic cones.

The stars smelled something on her breath.

Horoscopes

Sobriety Checkpoint Horoscopes

Chip Hilton horoscopes 1 month

The stars have established a sobriety checkpoint at the intersection of Fate and Poor Judgment. Every Zodiac sign will be stopped and questioned. Keep your… Read More

The stars have seen everything, and they keep records.

Horoscopes

Bad Habits Horoscopes: The Stars Know What You Did

Biff Scuzzy horoscopes 1 month

The stars have been aware of your bad habits, but not in any tolerant way. For ages they have observed the little things you assumed… Read More

Jelly Roll poses in full astrological drag with crystal balls, wizard pugs, and an unimpressed Saturn after losing his guest horoscope hosting gig.

Jelly Roll learns that Saturn has rings, authority, and absolutely no interest in hearing what's wrong with America.

Horoscopes

Not the Jelly Roll Horoscopes

Chip Hilton horoscopes 1 month

Jelly Roll was scheduled to guest-host this week’s Irregular Horoscopes, an arrangement that collapsed Saturday evening after Jellly had offended Saturn during what witnesses described… Read More

Your appointment with destiny is running approximately forty-five minutes late.

Horoscopes

Waiting Room Horoscopes: Your Appointment With Destiny

Biff Scuzzy horoscopes 2 months

Waiting Room Horoscopes are designed for rooms where twelve vinyl chairs, four outdated magazines, and one artificial plant are responsible for maintaining public confidence. Please… Read More

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