Horoscopes Archives - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sneakers or boots?

Marnie Blotch, freelance sidewalk analyst

Currently overexplaining herself in Scranton, PA

Sneakers. Boots imply you have a plan, land, or at least a place where mud is respected. I need footwear that says I may exercise, flee, or stand in line for coffee while reconsidering my values.

Doyle Rusk, seasonal gravitas consultant

Allegedly headquartered near Missoula, MT

Boots. Sneakers are for people who still believe life rewards agility. Boots admit the truth: the world is wet, uneven, and waiting to make a point. Also, they make disappointment sound better on gravel.

Tilda Cramp, assistant deputy of unnecessary errands

Last reported circling a mall in Paramus, NJ

Sneakers in theory, boots in public. Sneakers suggest optimism. Boots suggest I have endured weather, retail lighting, and at least one conversation about parking. At my age, credibility begins at the ankle.

Ordinary woman laughing at a spreadsheet on a laptop, reacting to a weekly performance review with amused disbelief.

My greatest strength is ‘showing up,’ and my biggest weakness is ‘being here.

Horoscopes

Your Weekly Performance Review, Issued by the Stars

philmaggitti horoscopes 4 days

The stars have completed your weekly performance review, because apparently even the cosmos has discovered paperwork. Progress was evaluated using three measures: initiative, emotional efficiency,… Read More

Stand-up comics illustration -- a comic performs in a bright intimate room as a small audience laughs nervously, showing polite discomfort and tense reactions during a live comedy set

They laughed like people who understood the joke and wished they didn’t.”

Horoscopes

Your Stand-Up Comics Zodiac Jokes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 weeks

The stars have outsourced their job this week to stand-up comics who make a living pointing out that nothing works quite right. The forecast for… Read More

"I'm going to tell them their lucky color is 'despair.'"

Horoscopes

Mostly Accurate Horoscopes from Reginald Oort

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 weeks

Reginald Oort began providing mostly accurate horoscopes in 1987 after a brief and unhappy career as a wedding photographer. He holds certificates in Western, Vedic,… Read More

Split figure at table, one side animated and warm, the other calm and cool, with two coffee cups, reflecting anti-hero duality and conflicting perspectives.

Two positions held simultaneously. Neither entirely accurate.

Horoscopes

Anti-Hero and Your Zodiac Resumes

philmaggitti horoscopes 1 month

The details of the average person’s life are an affront to the universe. No wonder so many horoscopes contain dour Anti-hero predictions. To improve those… Read More

Satirical illustration of man merging into an armchair symbolizing automatic renewal of comfort routines under terms and conditions.

Renewed without notice.

Horoscopes

Terms and Conditions Apply: Your Weekly Cosmic Fine Print

philmaggitti horoscopes 1 month

By continuing to exist, you agree to abide by all applicable terms and conditions, including those added retroactively, poorly explained, and enforced with selective enthusiasm.… Read More

Forecast accuracy up, poultry count down.

Horoscopes

Holy Horoscopes: The Saints Have Seized the Console

philmaggitti horoscopes 1 month

The Pug Bus regrets that rollicking saints have seized the cosmic switchboard and issued today’s Holy Horoscopes. Their leader, St. Polycarp the Bold, who was… Read More

What's in a font?

Horoscopes

Today’s Horoscopes in the Most Popular Fonts

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Today’s horoscopes have been formatted according to each sign’s “core personality,” a term we use loosely, since most of you have none. Please do not… Read More

FDA-style inspectors examine a zodiac wheel at a conference table, humorously reviewing astrology predictions for harmful side effects.

Federal regulators review evidence that Aries may cause excessive initiative.

Horoscopes

Harmful Side Effects Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Astrology was invented to explain destiny. Pharmaceuticals were invented to explain harmful side effects. It was only fitting that these purveyors of vague promises and… Read More

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The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ The Department of Interior Weather requires all adults to carry a small overcast condition with them at all times. Officials described the phenomenon as “partly functional,” with scattered chances of pretending the sky is falling.

⚡ Researchers at the Center for Applied Futility report that 73 percent of household drawers contain at least one cable belonging to a device no one remembers owning. In drawers that contain more than one cable, the cables are thought to be breeding quietly behind the tape measure.

⚡ The National Council on Mild Alarms has upgraded the phrase “We need to talk” from a conversational advisory to a full-frontal emotional evacuation order. Residents are urged to remain calm, gather their dignity, and avoid replying, “About what?”

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.