The Daily Irregular Horoscope — Twelve signs. Zero mercy. We torch your astrological delusions every morning with cosmic shade and existential snark. Bookmark now, return when Mercury’s gaslighting gets unbearable. Your stars never loved you anyway.
Officials concluded that most forecasts succumbed to overconfidence, poor judgment, or prolonged exposure to other people.
This week the stars have replaced their normally cheerful predictions with forensic horoscopes. After a lengthy but shallow investigation, celestial coroners determined that all predictions… Read More
For reasons known only to celestial management, the universe has begun issuing formal cancellation notices. Some events have been postponed, others have been discontinued, and… Read More
The forecasts have been piling up in inventory since February. Intergalactic Management has marked everything reduced for quick sale to clear space for next season’s… Read More
Understanding cosmic puzzles often begins with someone sweating through a perfectly ordinary cup of coffee.
Human beings continue to consult the stars for understanding cosmic puzzles despite centuries of evidence suggesting the stars are mostly busy exploding silently in the… Read More
The stars have completed your weekly performance review, because apparently even the cosmos has discovered paperwork. Progress was evaluated using three measures: initiative, emotional efficiency,… Read More
The stars have outsourced their job this week to stand-up comics who make a living pointing out that nothing works quite right. The forecast for… Read More
Reginald Oort began providing mostly accurate horoscopes in 1987 after a brief and unhappy career as a wedding photographer. He holds certificates in Western, Vedic,… Read More
The details of the average person’s life are an affront to the universe. No wonder so many horoscopes contain dour Anti-hero predictions. To improve those… Read More
