Not the Jelly Roll Horoscopes

Jelly Roll was scheduled to guest-host this week’s Irregular Horoscopes, an arrangement that collapsed Saturday evening after Jellly had

offended Saturn during what witnesses described as a routine celestial meet-and-greet.

According to sources familiar with the incident, Jelly complimented Saturn on his rings, asked whether they were natural, and then spent eleven minutes explaining what was wrong with America.

Saturn, who has been handling discipline, consequences, and other unpopular administrative duties for several billion years, listened without interruption before revoking Jelly Roll’s temporary astrology credentials and having him escorted beyond Uranus.

The Pug Bus, therefore,  presents Not the Jelly Roll Horoscopes, twelve unauthorized predictions reconstructed from Jelly’s abandoned notes and whatever the planets were willing to tell us.

♈ Aries … Jelly’s notes for Aries contain only the words “DO IT, BROTHER” underlined three times beside what appears to be a drawing of a chicken leg. Ordinarily, astrologers would consider this insufficient guidance. You will consider it a mandate. Tuesday brings an opportunity requiring courage, poor judgment, or both. Wear shoes.

♉ Taurus … Venus predicts stability in your domestic life, although Jelly had written “sandwich situation Thursday” in the margin. Nobody knows what this means. Nevertheless, avoid complicated lunch orders after 1:15 p.m. A pickle may become involved. By evening, you will have learned something important about mustard and almost nothing about yourself.

♊ Gemini … Jelly prepared two forecasts for Gemini. The first says you should seize a coming financial opportunity. The second says you should remain indoors and avoid anyone named Dennis. Both appear equally valid. Wednesday afternoon will require a decision. Choose whichever prediction allows you to blame astrology afterward. This is why astrology was invented.

♋ Cancer … You are taking Jelly’s expulsion harder than necessary. He is not dead. He has merely been prohibited from entering the inner solar system without written permission from Saturn. Turn your attention toward family matters, especially a relative who begins a telephone conversation with “I’m not supposed to tell you this.”

♌ Leo … You remain furious that Jelly was chosen to guest-host instead of you. Frankly, the planets understand. You possess charisma, confidence, and at least one garment you secretly believe deserves its own entrance music. Thursday brings recognition, although probably from someone asking whether you are finished with that shopping cart. Accept applause wherever available.

♍ Virgo … You have reviewed Jelly’s astrological notes and identified seventeen spelling errors, three unsupported conclusions, and a coffee stain covering most of Capricorn. Saturn appreciates your diligence but asks that you stop emailing corrections. Friday favors organization. Rearrange something already functional until nobody else in the household can find it.

♎ Libra … You believe Saturn overreacted. Surely Jelly deserves another chance. Why cannot everyone sit down, discuss what happened, acknowledge competing perspectives, and restore harmony to the heavens. This admirable position will last until you hear what Jelly allegedly said about Saturn’s moons. You will then spend the weekend claiming you were always neutral.

♏ Scorpio … You know exactly what Jelly said to Saturn. You heard everything. You have also decided not to repeat it, which means you will spend the entire week making sure everyone knows you possess information you refuse to share. This is Scorpio’s preferred renewable energy source. By Saturday, three people will hate you. Excellent numbers.

♐ Sagittarius … Jelly’s ban strikes you as bureaucratic overreach, so by Wednesday you will have launched an online petition demanding his reinstatement. It will collect 37 signatures, including six from people named “Anonymous.” Resist the urge to organize a march on Saturn. Travel conditions remain unfavorable, and the planet has a strict parking policy.

♑ Capricorn … You have reviewed Saturn’s disciplinary ruling and find it procedurally sound. Jelly received verbal notice, an opportunity to respond, and complimentary transportation beyond Uranus. Case closed. Your week favors productivity, paperwork, and privately enjoying the collapse of somebody else’s poorly organized project. Do not smile during the meeting. People notice.

♒ Aquarius … The Jelly controversy has convinced you that celebrity guest astrologers represent everything wrong with astrology. By Thursday you will propose replacing the zodiac with an open-source constellation cooperative governed by rotating citizen panels. Nobody understands your presentation, but Pisces applauds enthusiastically. Take the victory. Most revolutions begin with one confused person clapping.

♓ Pisces … You remain convinced that Jelly is still hosting. Nothing anyone says can change this. You heard his voice while making toast Sunday morning and received what you believe was a personal message through a oddly shaped cloud. Neptune recommends hydration and perhaps less internet. Jelly, meanwhile, has reportedly accepted a temporary position advising the tides.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.