horoscopes

The stars have grown tired of offering humanity guidance, only to watch it ignored by people who cannot merge onto a highway. The result? Unscripted… Read More

In this week’s Presidential Horoscopes, each zodiac sign is represented by an American president born under its celestial jurisdiction. The results suggest that naked ambition,… Read More

Every zodiac sign has a greatest failure. An unforseen romantic disaster, a fatal career miscalculation, a sad  investment in something advertised on late-night television. This… Read More

The stars have spent thousands of years offering guidance, encouragement, and vague assurances about journeys. This week they have retained legal counsel, dissolved the zodiac,… Read More

The stars have established a sobriety checkpoint at the intersection of Fate and Poor Judgment. Every Zodiac sign will be stopped and questioned. Keep your… Read More

The stars have been aware of your bad habits, but not in any tolerant way. For ages they have observed the little things you assumed… Read More

Jelly Roll was scheduled to guest-host this week’s Irregular Horoscopes, an arrangement that collapsed Saturday evening after Jellly had offended Saturn during what witnesses described… Read More

Waiting Room Horoscopes are designed for rooms where twelve vinyl chairs, four outdated magazines, and one artificial plant are responsible for maintaining public confidence. Please… Read More