horoscopes Archives - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Reginald Oort, a weary middle-aged astrologer, pens nearly accurate horoscopes in a cluttered office.

"I'm going to tell them their lucky color is 'despair.'"

Mostly Accurate Horoscopes from Reginald Oort

Reginald Oort began providing mostly accurate horoscopes in 1987 after a brief and unhappy career as a wedding photographer. He holds certificates in Western, Vedic,… Read More

Split figure at table, one side animated and warm, the other calm and cool, with two coffee cups, reflecting anti-hero duality and conflicting perspectives.

Two positions held simultaneously. Neither entirely accurate.

Horoscopes

Anti-Hero and Your Zodiac Resumes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 weeks

The details of the average person’s life are an affront to the universe. No wonder so many horoscopes contain dour Anti-hero predictions. To improve those… Read More

Satirical illustration of man merging into an armchair symbolizing automatic renewal of comfort routines under terms and conditions.

Renewed without notice.

Horoscopes

Terms and Conditions Apply: Your Weekly Cosmic Fine Print

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 weeks

By continuing to exist, you agree to abide by all applicable terms and conditions, including those added retroactively, poorly explained, and enforced with selective enthusiasm.… Read More

Forecast accuracy up, poultry count down.

Horoscopes

Holy Horoscopes: The Saints Have Seized the Console

philmaggitti horoscopes 4 weeks

The Pug Bus regrets that rollicking saints have seized the cosmic switchboard and issued today’s Holy Horoscopes. Their leader, St. Polycarp the Bold, who was… Read More

What's in a font?

Horoscopes

Today’s Horoscopes in the Most Popular Fonts

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Today’s horoscopes have been formatted according to each sign’s “core personality,” a term we use loosely, since most of you have none. Please do not… Read More

FDA-style inspectors examine a zodiac wheel at a conference table, humorously reviewing astrology predictions for harmful side effects.

Federal regulators review evidence that Aries may cause excessive initiative.

Horoscopes

Harmful Side Effects Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Astrology was invented to explain destiny. Pharmaceuticals were invented to explain harmful side effects. It was only fitting that these purveyors of vague promises and… Read More

When the cosmos offers you a theatrical limp and a strategically placed bandage, do not question the aesthetic of your own fragility.

Horoscopes

Candid Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Today we present candid horoscopes. The usual cosmic claptrap has been replaced with the kind of blunt disclosure normally reserved for tax attorneys and ex‑spouses.… Read More

A woman surrounded by dozens of storage bins and totes in assorted colors and sizes bends to retrieve a lid, navigating a floor covered in open containers filled with tools, documents, CDs, and miscellaneous items — confronting the to be or not to be of household organization one bin at a time.

To be organized, or not to be organized — and the answer, apparently, is: more bins.

Horoscopes

To Be or Not to Be: Horoscopes by Shakespeare

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

To be or not to be is the question Shakespeare put to the universe in 1600, and the universe has been dodging it ever since.… Read More

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