(But probably never will for reasons of decency, national security, or fear of spontaneous combustion.) “How to Ghost Your Responsibilities and Still Get Promoted” – A masterclass in strategic invisibility. Learn how to weaponize vague emails, master the art of the “loop-in,” and disappear mid-Zoom while still climbing the corporate… Read More
Beards and goatees are the facial equivalent of distressed jeans. They are worn to project rugged authenticity while quietly being curated with an artisanal beard oil named Lumberjack Whisper. These facial jungles were once the mark of mystics, outlaws, and philosophers; now, they’re more likely to appear on a man… Read More
(Cleansing the nation one directional swipe at a time.) In a country that celebrates National Cupcake Day, National Talk Like a Pirate Day, and something called National Corn Dog Appreciation Day, it’s shocking that we have overlooked the most fundamental ritual of expression–the directional wipe. Therefore, on July 12 (because… Read More
Crispy panko-crusted possum poppers are Appalachian tapas for today’s palate, featuring possum, the marsupial you didn’t know could pair so well with a pinot noir. Start with a freshly-scraped specimen (check for tire marks, which add a smoky complexity). Marinate in expired Mountain Dew and crushed, stale garlic for twelve hours… Read More
5. The Air Diet. Breathe deeply, chew nothing. This French-invented horror involves pretending to eat while gazing hungrily at soup. Weight loss is guaranteed—along with delirium, rage, and spontaneous poetry. Excellent for imaginary dinner parties. 4. The Tapeworm Tango. Just you, a worm, and a dream. Swallow a parasite, let… Read More
"Cat owners are 50 pwecent less likely to suffer from a heart attack because their hearts are already broken."
From corporate catastrophe to bodily betrayal, life’s most humiliating moments do not always wait for permission. They kick down the door, pants you in front of your future, and photocopy your shame for the company bulletin … like these five episodes that are more serious than a heart attack …… Read More
Prime Day–that forty-eight-hour fever dream (plus prequels and extensions) when adult humans willingly buy Bluetooth egg trays and USB-powered neck massagers shaped like squid. Prime Days are not about needing things, they’re about almost needing things, then panic-clicking “Buy Now” like it’s a moral obligation. This year’s crop of puzzling deals… Read More
Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to a clerk has said, “It’s for a friend”? Indeed we have all mumbled that sorry-ass excuse while dumping some deeply personal product onto the counter as the cashier pretends not to judge us and fails sneeringly. The cashier doesn’t… Read More
You’ve found yourself Googling, “Does my dog love me or is he just manipulating me for liver treats?” Welcome to the parasocial ecosystem of modern pet ownership, where every bark is a cryptic communique and every tail wag is a projected affirmation of your worth. Forget vague “signs” and “studies.”… Read More
The following list was compiled by someone who is already being monitored for saying “Bless you” in public. Picnic–The quaint, sometimes romantic, outdoor meal with checkered blankets, ants, and soggy deviled eggs will lose its charm when a woke assistant professor of sociology declares that picnics are a microaggression against… Read More
Your computer keeps changing your password Your shadow keeps trying to attach itself to another person You catch your brother’s STD from your girlfriend Telemarketers begin hanging up on you You are never part of the solution Somebody throws a rock through your window of opportunity Your train of thought… Read More
There comes a time in every gastronome’s journey when he or she must ask: “Am I brave enough to consume aquatic vermin pressed between two buns in a windowless bar next to a taxidermy display and a jukebox loaded exclusively with Nickelback’s deep cuts?” If you’ve made it this far,… Read More
Calling someone a “rock star” has become lazy cultural shorthand for describing a person who is wildly successful, charismatic, or influential in his or her field—even when that field has nothing to do with music played to hordes of stoned people waving cell phones. Rock star is often used with… Read More
Special to the Pug Bus from Velvet Crankshaft, Pit Lane Correspondent Experts are calling it “a cultural coup or the weirdest episode of RuPaul’s Garage ever.” It is the National Drag Queen Drag Racing Association (NDQDRA), formed by a coalition of high-heeled, high-haired visionaries. This bold initiative seeks to Introduce… Read More
David had always been unlucky to downright snakebitten in love, but when he met Elara, an AI companion with flawless skin and wit, he knew she was the one. The more their connection deepened, the less he could keep his mind off her or his hands off himself. Soon he… Read More
