philmaggitti - postcards from the pug bus

Songs in the Key of Fetch

philmaggitti 17 Views 4 min read

Fetch was not like other dogs. Whenever people were eating, he stared at their feet as though it were high noon at the OK Corral and he was Wyatt Earp; and if a foot so … Read on

Celebrities

Meghan Markle’s Royal Names for Her New Fragrance

philmaggitti 150 Views 2 min read

Meghan Markle will launch her branded perfume any second now. The super scent has been nearly two years in the making. Countless beavers, deer, and sperm whales have been sacrificed for … Read on

Book of Daze

The trans movement is not without anything if it is not without a sense of humor, irony, fair play, and style. Trannies too often behave like straight-up, humorless bullies, vicious, eye-gouging guttersnipes who use meanness … Read on

News

President Biden Courts LGBTQIA+ Community with $3 Bill

philmaggitti 35 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Joseph R. Biden extended a hand to the gay and lesbian community last night when he announced that he was going to ask Congress to approve the creation of a $3 … Read on

FlashFiction

Lady Chatterley and Me, Revisited

philmaggitti 31 Views 8 min read

Left to my own devices, which is seldom a good idea, I decided to bring Lady Chatterley’s Lover to school to share with my friends. I had read the newly released, previously banned novel one … Read on

FlashFiction

Bus Stop

philmaggitti 39 Views 8 min read

The school-bus yellow school bus rattled down Meeting House Road with twenty or so prep school students on board. They were escorted by a history teacher with red-orange hair at the wheel, and another teacher, … Read on

FlashFiction

Never Look a Gift Pussy in the Mouth

philmaggitti 190 Views 4 min read

My father had a cliché for every occasion. One of his favorites was “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” I often wondered if that applied to gift pussy, but the old man never … Read on

FlashFiction

Hans Flunks Obedience

philmaggitti 27 Views 5 min read

The first time I saw an obedience class at a dog show, I thought it was done with mirrors. I was particularly suspicious of the drill in which contestants told their dogs to lie down … Read on

Weed

It’s the THC, Stupid

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas … Read on

Religion

Top Ten Reasons Cats Aren’t Mentioned in the Bible

philmaggitti 370 Views 1 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and … Read on

Culture

Portly Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com

philmaggitti 306 Views 2 min read

BOSTON, Mass. – Portly singles kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world today,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled … Read on

Blog

How to Understand the Tao Te Ching Without Actually Reading It

philmaggitti 266 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–The Tao Te Ching, a book of ancient Chinese wisdom, is roughly 2,500 years old, but nobody has figured out what it means yet. The last person who spoke the ancient Chinese … Read on

Religion

Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at About 150

philmaggitti 573 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people. Period. Fewer people than the population of septic fields like Armpit, New … Read on

News

Atheist Brotherhood to Begin Unbaptizing Dead People

philmaggitti 295 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.–The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing dead people next month, says the group’s founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind … Read on

Horoscopes

Your Horoscope Is Determined By Your Car

philmaggitti 225 Views 4 min read

Gemstones, colors, and planetary alignment are the traditional ingredients in the astrological stew. Unfortunately they emphasize nature to the exclusion of nurture, thereby yielding one-dimensional, lifeless predictions. Catmando, our guest astrologer today, believes that nurture is… Read on

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postcards from the pug bus

Author: philmaggitti

Songs in the Key of Fetch

Meghan Markle’s Royal Names for Her New Fragrance

National Birthnaming Day

President Biden Courts LGBTQIA+ Community with $3 Bill

Lady Chatterley and Me, Revisited

Bus Stop

Never Look a Gift Pussy in the Mouth

Hans Flunks Obedience

It’s the THC, Stupid

Top Ten Reasons Cats Aren’t Mentioned in the Bible

Portly Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com

How to Understand the Tao Te Ching Without Actually Reading It

Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at About 150

Atheist Brotherhood to Begin Unbaptizing Dead People

Your Horoscope Is Determined By Your Car