Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Leaked Memo Reveals New Dummies Offerings

HOBOKEN, N.J. – John Wiley & Sons, publishers of the gratingly familiar black-and-yellow Dummies books, has sold more than 200 million of those jive, patronizing critters since DOS for Dummies crawled out of the ocean in 1991. In fact, with more than sixteen hundred titles already printed, Dummies is the world’s bestselling reference brand.

It’s also getting a bit long in the earlobes. When you’re producing titles like How to Introduce Kids to a Green Lifestyle for Dummies, you’re scraping the bottom of your tickler file. You’re also assigning titles that pander to trends—both ongoing (child worship in the United States) and current (the self-congratulatory green movement).

In an effort to lively up the Dummies books, senior officials at Wiley circulated a memo among the company’s acquisitions editors several months ago, asking them to brainstorm “some edgy” titles for this bloated old series. Happily, a source at Wiley leaked a copy of the editors’ suggestions, which, according to the source, have all been greenlighted by executives at the top of the Wiley food chain. We present that list here so you can get your advance orders in now.

Incest for Dummies
Family-rated fun with easy-to-learn group activities that will have you humping and jumping like The Aristocrats before you can say, “Hey, make room for granny.” What’s more, Bowser’s got a role here, too, if he’s lucky enough to have owners who consider dogs part of the family. Due out in early December, just in time for family gatherings around the Yule log.

Orgies for Dummies
Have you ever wondered how to position left-handed people in a circle jerk—or whether it’s polite to nail the host’s wife without offering him yours in return? These and dozens of other questions are answered in a crisp, authoritative manner. Whatever the topic—from hygiene to hijinks— this handy book will save you from coming a cropper. (Due January 15, Bald Eagle Appreciation Day, 2012)

Do-It-Yourself Rectal Exam for Dummies
There’s more to a rectal examination than meets the eye, but if you follow the simple stretching exercises in this book—and master the use of the free hand mirror included with each volume—you’ll be seeing eye to eye with your nether eye before you know it. Here’s looking at it. (Due January 27, Thomas Crapper Day, 2012)

Talking Dirty for Dummies
Any fool can drop a ton of F-bombs and throw the C-word around for effect, but it’s the sure-handed mother-fucker who knows when to use the a vulgarity, an obscenity, or a swear word to enhance his rhetoric. A head’s up about the book’s subtitle, The Five Cocks: its a tribute to an influential but long forgotten book called The Five Clocks published in 1962 by Mouton & Co. (Due the Ides of March, 2012)

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