Celebrities

NEW YORK – Scarlett Johansson’s ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them.

Scarlett Johansson: My Life, My Card
Name . . . Scarlett Johansson

Born . . . … Read on

LONDON – Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, 65, report that he is “near suicidal” over the terms of his divorce settlement with former wife number two, Heather Mills, 40.

It isn’t the $49 million buzz-off … Read on

HOLLYWOOD – In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes’ 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work … Read on

NEW YORK – Gwyneth Paltrow is scheduled to take her campaign for breast-correction surgery to the United Nations next week. There the maven of GOOP will address the U.N.’s Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination … Read on

HOLLYWOOD – Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week … Read on

LOS ANGELES – Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States.… Read on

LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen is “a person of interest” in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof … Read on

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on … Read on

 HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people … Read on

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for … Read on

LOS ANGELES – Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut … Read on

LOS ANGELES – Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in … Read on

BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings.

Listed on … Read on

BUMFUCH, La. – Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there’s anything … Read on