Jennifer Aniston’s New Body Confident with Jennifer Aniston

Editor’s Note: This masterwork first dropped in 2005, back when Jennifer Aniston and her love life was a national sport and low-rise jeans were a crime scene. Consider this a lovingly restored artifact from the era when Friends reruns ruled cable, “Team Jen” merch was still a thing, and America cared deeply about the estate tax – or at least about what Jen’s new body thought of it.

Jennifer Aniston and her revamped physique are reportedly brimming with confidence – so much so that it believes she can finally hold her own against Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the good movie roles and the glossy covers of cheap movie and fashion magazines.

“There’s a lot more to Jennifer than a photogenic chest and a yoga-toned butt” insisted the actress’s new silhouette, sporting a plunging top and those painted-on jeans that leave nothing to the imagination.

“Fans will see this side of her once she starts weighing in on the big issues – you know, like cosmetic surgery and the estate tax.”

According to the newly empowered body, it and Ms. Aniston became inseparable during a Hawaiian getaway where her micro-bikini caused diners to choke on their mai tais.

“That week on the beach did more for her self-esteem than a decade of therapy,” the body confided. “It convinced her to flex her brain as much as her curves.”

Jernnifer Aniston herself was unavailable for comment.

“That’s classic Jen,” said longtime pal Courteney Cox. “She loves to let her body speak for her – I just hope it keeps a civil tongue and stays away from the rear end.”

In unrelated developments, the National Mime Workers Association is asking Americans to mark the passing of Marcel Marceau tomorrow with a nationwide moment of noise at high noon.

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers – where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.