Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Harebrained Horoscopes

8 months philmaggitti horoscopes

A baby curiously touching a man's face while he lies on grass. — The stars are throwing a block party.

Welcome to Harebrained Horoscopes, where the stars are drunk, the planets are on strike, and the moon is texting you at 3 a.m. just to say, “lol.” Strap in – this cosmic nonsense is about to get personal.

ðŸŒ‘ Aries âž– Your aura is glowing like a radioactive nightlight. Everyone is either strangely drawn to you or convinced you are a warning sign.

ðŸŒ’ Taurus âž– Today your stubborn streak will be upgraded to titanium. Use it to win arguments you never started.

ðŸŒ“ Gemini âž– You will give conflicting advice to yourself, then complain you are not being listened to.

ðŸŒ” Cancer âž– Your emotions are in an Uber headed somewhere mysterious. Do not bother asking for an ETA.

ðŸŒ• Leo âž– You will attempt to impress someone who does not even own a sense of humor. A standing ovation is unlikely.

ðŸŒ– Virgo âž– You will alphabetize your regrets, then realize there is not enough room for all the A’s.

ðŸŒ— Libra âž– You will weigh every possible option until the universe makes the decision for you–and it will not pick the one you wanted.

ðŸŒ˜ Scorpio âž– Your glare will be so intense today that solar panels will try to harvest it.

ðŸŒ‘ Sagittarius âž– Your desire for adventure will lead you somewhere exciting, but only if you agree to leave the house wearing pants.

ðŸŒ’ Capricorn âž– You will climb a metaphorical mountain only to find someone left their emotional baggage at the top.

ðŸŒ“ Aquarius âž– Your weird ideas will be trending for five minutes before they are declared illegal in three states.

ðŸŒ” Pisces âž– Your dreams will be so vivid tonight that they might submit themselves to Sundance.

For additional horoscopes from hell slide over to our cosmic archive and keep punishing yourself.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.