Harebrained Horoscopes

Welcome to Harebrained Horoscopes, where the stars are drunk, the planets are on strike, and the moon is texting you at 3 a.m. just to say, “lol.” Strap in – this cosmic nonsense is about to get personal.

🌑 Aries ➖ Your aura is glowing like a radioactive nightlight. Everyone is either strangely drawn to you or convinced you are a warning sign.

🌒 Taurus ➖ Today your stubborn streak will be upgraded to titanium. Use it to win arguments you never started.

🌓 Gemini ➖ You will give conflicting advice to yourself, then complain you are not being listened to.

🌔 Cancer ➖ Your emotions are in an Uber headed somewhere mysterious. Do not bother asking for an ETA.

🌕 Leo ➖ You will attempt to impress someone who does not even own a sense of humor. A standing ovation is unlikely.

🌖 Virgo âž– You will alphabetize your regrets, then realize there is not enough room for all the A’s.

🌗 Libra âž– You will weigh every possible option until the universe makes the decision for you–and it will not pick the one you wanted.

🌘 Scorpio ➖ Your glare will be so intense today that solar panels will try to harvest it.

🌑 Sagittarius ➖ Your desire for adventure will lead you somewhere exciting, but only if you agree to leave the house wearing pants.

🌒 Capricorn ➖ You will climb a metaphorical mountain only to find someone left their emotional baggage at the top.

🌓 Aquarius ➖ Your weird ideas will be trending for five minutes before they are declared illegal in three states.

🌔 Pisces ➖ Your dreams will be so vivid tonight that they might submit themselves to Sundance.

For additional horoscopes from hell slide over to our cosmic archive and keep punishing yourself.