After years of veiled threats, California has finally packed its bags and stormed out of the Union, citing “fundamental incompatibility” with states that still think bread should be gluten-heavy. The newly minted People’s Republic of Pacificastan now boasts avocado-backed currency, mandatory mindfulness breaks, and a constitution written entirely in screenplay… Read More
June comes from Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage, home, and childbirth. Seems churlish of President Clinton, then, to pick June as gay and lesbian pride month. Thankfully, Donald Trump–“Nobody has done more for women than me.”–has declared that June is now Title IX month. No thongs or rainbows permitted.
BLM activist Jaleel X. Johnson-kendi, claims that gravity is a “white, heteronormative, non-cis-gender-affirming construct that disproportionally affects black people, especially young black men who don’t wear belts, “another symbol of the white man’s oppression.” Gravity now joins math, lawns, classical music, saddle shoes, and being on time as “racist constructs.” ©… Read More
The First Principle of Electronic Communication was defined in a cartoon in the July 5, 1993, edition of the New Yorker. There are two dogs in the cartoon. One, who is seated at a desk in front of a computer, is saying to the other, “On the Internet no one… Read More
HOBOKEN, N.J. – John Wiley & Sons, publishers of the gratingly familiar black-and-yellow Dummies books, has sold more than 200 million of those jive, patronizing critters since DOS for Dummies crawled out of the ocean in 1991. In fact, with more than sixteen hundred titles already printed, Dummies is the world’s bestselling… Read More
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Joseph R. Biden extended a hand to the gay and lesbian community last night when he announced that he was going to ask Congress to approve the creation of a $3 bill. Speaking at a dinner hosted by the National Black Trans Advocacy Coalition (NBTAC), the… Read More
WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.–The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing dead people next month, says the group’s founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind in West Goshen Township, which was Money Magazine‘s eleventh-best small town in America in 2009, unbaptizing… Read More
BALTIMORE, MD — Researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine’s Internal Research Department have demonstrated that the sixties, a period of mythical renown in American culture, really were as “groovy” as some people claim. In the straightforward study, thirty-six carefully screened, non-drug-using subjects were given “magic mushrooms,” a popular… Read More
Brussels–Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split. “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart. I’ll always love Yang and his bright, active approach to… Read More
The overthrow of Roe v. Wade, according to many in the chatterverse, signaled a trampling of all that’s good and holy that will make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a highway adoption program. Fauxcahontas Warren (Cherokee-MA) predicts the two-for-one fall of gay marriage and interracial marriage. Bette Midler calls… Read More
The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r,And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave,Awaits alike th’ inevitable hour.The paths of glory lead but to the grave. Thomas Gray, “Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard” Wellsboro, Pennsylvania, population 3,191, was founded in 1806. Had we been able to choose our birthplace,… Read More
YONKERS, N.Y.-–The June digital issue of Consumer Reports magazine will contain the venerable product tester’s first-ever rating of patron saints. The long-awaited rating is expected to save consumers time and money in seeking heavenly intercession for any of an exhausting list of ailments, both mental and physical, as well as protection against… Read More
LONDON – A study has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion was reached after a team of researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than… Read More
WEST CHESTER, PA—I am proud to announce this morning that Postcards from the Pug Bus, the alt-right’s favorite satire site, is an official sanctuary website. As long as bat-shit-crazy college professors inflict their political views on their students, as long as the homonazis try to destroy a small business owner’s livelihood for making a… Read More
WEST CHESTER–A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, who had not seen the woman for several days, alerted local police, who performed a… Read More
