When America ran out of unclaimed asphalt, the race to adopt highways became a corporate Hunger Games of virtue signaling. With every stretch of interstate already spoken for, woke conglomerates turned to ideological branding—slapping DEI slogans on mile markers like bumper stickers on a Prius. From “Pronoun Lane Ahead” to… Read More
Next to accounts of hideous murders and gruesome influencers’ deaths, clips about reading canine behavior are the most frequently seen on YouTube. Invariably they are designed to reveal “the hidden meanings” behind dog behaviors. Invariably they are wrong, as the following examples demonstrate. Reading Canine Behavior in Easy Steps Begin… Read More
🚍 Act I: Philadelphia’s Civic Evasion Strategy In a gesture of what might generously be called “urban compassion,” Philadelphia has spent approximately $270,000 since 2021 on one-way bus tickets for homeless people. The program, run by the Office of Homeless Services, is called the Stranded Traveler Assistance Program—a name obviously… Read More
In the latest sign that the Dummies books franchise will never die—only mutate endlessly—John Wiley & Sons has reportedly greenlit another round of New Dummies Books,“bold,” “relevant,” and “absolutely unnecessary” titles aimed at people who still think books are TikToks that forgot to load. According to an internal memo leaked… Read More
From gold bars in New Jersey freezers to vape clouds in Colorado theaters, Political Satire: A Roast for Every State is your coast-to-coast catalog of cringe, corruption, and cultural chaos. This fifty-state facepalm is delivered in the time-honored format of “So-and-so called, they want their thus-and-such back.” Politicians, influencers, sports… Read More
Nuance, beloved by philosophers, editors, and the occasional sober tweet, departed this realm on October 28, 2025, following a prolonged battle with algorithmic compression and public impatience. According to today’s obituaries, death occurred quietly in a comment thread beneath a video titled “This Changes Everything,” which it did not. Born… Read More
Historians are weeping into their archival gloves about President Donald J. Trump’s White House changes, which, they say, threaten to transform the historic residence into a gilded monument to rampant ego. The Sun Rises in the East Room The East Wing will be replaced with a twenty-four-karat-gold ball room the size… Read More
You will need three things: a bathrobe with no belt, year-old flip-flops, and the remains of last weekend’s barbecue ribs. Those are all the meditation secrets a devoted student requires. Forget the pristine yoga mat or the imported zafu. Real transcendence begins with sitting on a laundry basket turned upside-down,… Read More
It is no longer Archie to die with an ironclad will, a curated celebration-of-life playlist, and a tasteful urn. The forward-looking pilgrim now prepares for the long dirt nap with an Amazon Prime Afterlife™: Subscription Metaphysics plan that includes expedited reincarnation, priority access to desirable life forms, and—most crucially—free returns… Read More
“Behold… one more tweak to the human’s brain chemistry and she will order the deluxe Tesla scratching post.”
Somewhere deep inside every cat’s brain chemistry lurks a tiny lab-coated villain with a spray bottle of oxytocin and a pitch-black sense of humor, forever tinkering with your hormones just to see what you will buy next. Cats Brain Chemistry Exposed Recent research confirms what cat owners have long suspected:… Read More
The Supreme Court floats above the void, issuing emoji verdicts and TikTok dissents while Schrödinger’s cat takes the stand.
In a landmark decision that will echo through the marble halls of jurisprudence and the comment sections of YouTube, a Supreme Court Ruling has determined that reality is “subjective, but binding.” The majority opinion, composed entirely in emoji, was interpreted by a clerk with a minor in semiotics and a… Read More
Researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s School of Medicine’s Internal Research Department have demonstrated that the sixties, a period of mythical renown in American culture, really were as “groovy” as some people claim. In the straightforward study, thirty-six carefully screened, non-drug-using subjects were given “magic mushrooms,” a popular recreational substance during… Read More
Brussels–Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split. “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart. I’ll always love Yang and his bright, active approach to… Read More
WASHINGTON–Although he has not been able to persuade Congress to give him permission to bomb Syria, President Obama demonstrated yesterday that a president, no matter how beleaguered, still has some juice up his sleeve. In a brief ceremony held in the Rose Garden, the president issued an executive order changing… Read More
LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking rich; he’s the dog whisperer. Who doesn’t love him? As it turns out, a few of his… Read More
