Technology

Technology

New Study Suggests: Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa–A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study, conducted by a team of researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Social Psychometrics, was designed to replicate a century-old study that reported… Read More

Technology

Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not. This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout… Read More

Technology

Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country

Bird in Hand, PA—News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youth—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the kitchen at Miller’s Family Style Smorgasbord, died after the vape… Read More

Technology

Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA

 CARLISLE, Pa.—The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving “countless troubling reports” of Microsoft’s having “gone rogue” in promoting and distributing Windows 10. “Microsoft’s… Read More

Technology

Apple To Reveal Shocker at Annual Event

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca.–As the tech world holds its breath waiting for Apple’s Christmas-in-September party today, rumors are swirling that the Cupertino giant has a major surprise up its sleeve—or up its ass, to be more precise. “The iButt, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today,”… Read More

Technology

Edward Snowden Leaks NSA Abuse of Movie Pirating Protocol

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–In perhaps his most controversial revelation yet, Edward Snowden has leaked details of the National Security Agency (NSA) misuse of the protocol for pirating movies. The latest Snowden leak reveals that NSA employees who are supposed to be monitoring movie piracy are actually pirating movies themselves. This information… Read More

Technology

New iPad 5 Will Introduce Fading Keypad Letters

CUPERTINO, Ca.–The big whisper from the Apple campus here in Cupertino is that Apple’s new iPad 5 and iPad Mimi 2 will introduce fading keypad letters. This innovation, one of several iPad redesign elements in the offing, has the potential to be the breakout star of Apple’s fall launch event… Read More

Technology

Rosetta Stone Releases Pig Latin App for iPhone 5s

ARLINGTON, Vir.–The buzz around Apple’s new iPhone 5s just got louder. Rosetta Stone®, the world’s leading, computer-based, language-instruction company, announced the release of its new Pig Latin App in time for the iPhone launch on Friday. The app, which provides full access to Rosetta Stone®’s ten-volume Pig Latin instructional set,… Read More

Technology

NSA Admits to Snooping on Your Booty Calls

WASHINGTON–National Security Agency (NSA) personnel have, on numerous occasions, used their agency’s ginormous eavesdropping power to spy on booty calls and other communications of a sexual nature, reported FOX News “O’Reilley Factor” last night. The NSA, as usual, was quick to respond, issuing the following denial before the Fox News… Read More