Religion

Religion

Top Ten Reasons Cats Aren’t Mentioned in the Bible

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats. Cats appear to be prospering despite not being mentioned in the bible. Read More

Religion

Jesus Puts the Population of Heaven at About 150

WEST CHESTER, PA—The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people. Period. Fewer people than the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin. If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer Read More

Religion

Did God Write Other Books Besides The Bible?

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Like J.K. Rowling, who has not stopped writing since finishing the Harry Potter series, God may not have stopped writing after finishing The Bible, say some Christian scholars. Indeed, they argue, it would have been an incredible waste of talent if God had never written another book. “If you had authored the greatest book Read More

Religion

What to Do When She Screams for God During Sex

WEST CHESTER,Pa.—Atheism is the quickest-growing non-religion in the United States. To celebrate this encouraging development, we introduced recently an occasional series of articles by, for, and about atheists. We began with “Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists,” a column designed to help atheists who find themselves caught in the sticky wickets often created by the bumptious Read More

Religion

God Throws Shade on Rainbow Bridge Myth

HEAVEN – Pet owners took one in the shorts today when The Lord God Almighty issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets “are made young and healthy again” while they wait for their owners to join them. Read More

CultureReligion

Facebook Presents the Twelve Genders of Christmas

WEST CHESTER, PA—Facebook is a festering boil on the right butt cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving Nancy boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Fuck Bookers forty-nine more gender choices (fifty-on) than they needed (two), Zipper Boy stuffed twenty additional gender choices up the alt-right’s ass. Read More

Religion

God Says He Never Saw This Election Coming

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming.” Speaking exclusively to Postcards from the Pug Bus as part of his atheist outreach program, The Big Fella shook his leonine head slowly and continued, Read More

Religion

What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know I

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount Read More

Religion

When Francis Met Kim

WASHINGTON, D.C.—His Supreme Excellency Pope Francis—in addition to meeting with the Harlem Globe Trotters, Vice-President “Meadowlark” Biden (who presented him with a photo of Mr. Biden’s late son, Beau), illegal immigrants, disabled illegal immigrants, and the AARP’s Seniors’ Transgender Alliance—also conspired to meet secretly with Kim Davis at the Vatican’s underground bunker in Washington, D.C. Read More

ReligionSporting Life

God Is Only Ninth in Fantasy Football League

WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father’s IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition. “We could just as soon be winless if it weren’t for a couple Read More

Religion

Pope Francis OK with Miley Cyrus Remark

VATICAN CITY–Pope Francis told the website Hunger TV that people should not be so quick to condemn Miley Cyrus for saying she didn’t want some “seventy-year-old Jewish man that doesn’t leave his desk all day, telling me what the clubs want to hear.” Speaking via Skype, his holiness said, “The young people I follow on Read More

Religion

Chinese Altar Breads Flooding American Market

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–The ultra-competitive altar bread market has been thrown into a cocked miter by the emergence of Chinese players in this sacramental arena, but at least one of their American counterparts does not seem inclined to turn the other cheek. “We are a Christian nation, and they have the audacity to sell sweatshop altar breads over Read More