Monday, May 20, 2024
Religion

Top Ten Reasons Cats Aren’t Mentioned in the Bible

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and colts, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats.

Cats appear to be prospering despite not being mentioned in the bible. Nevertheless, we have to wonder at their exclusion. If  the bible is the inspired word of god— every jot or tittle of which is true— why was god not inspired to give cats a shout in his magnum opus?

After giving the matter fleeting but shallow thought, we offer ten possible explanations for god’s sleeping on cats.

  1) God is not a cat person
  2) Cats do not come when they’re called, so they missed the cruise on Noah’s ark
  3) The bible was “written” by Jews, who hated Egyptians, who worshipped cats
  4) God wasn’t mentioned in the cats’ bible
  5) Even god could not give man dominion over cats
  6) The bible was “written” by men
  7) Ancient Jews considered cats the acceptable white meat
  8) Cats wanted script approval
  9) Cats have nine lives, god has only three
10) Cats do nothing wrong, so they don’t need anybody to die for their sins.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

Verified by MonsterInsights