Wednesday, June 12, 2024

It’s the THC, Stupid

WEST CHESTER, PA–The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large.

During the last several years, CBD (cannabidiol)…the over-hyped, non-psychoactive, virtually worthless, and totally unfuckable little sister of THC…has enjoyed awesome street cred among soccer moms, sellout hucksters like Tommy Chong, and lots of other folks that do not urinate standing up.

Could the engine driving this Brobdingnagian mindset be tetrahydrocannabinol  (THC), the psychoactive, I-wanna-take-you-higher ingredient in weed?

Irregardless [sic], THC is, was, and always will be thee 4-H club for all stoners. It’ll get ya happy, horny, hungry, and high…even if you can’t buy it at Bed Bath & Beyond.

The mean THC level in marijuana, a measly 4 percent in 1995, partied on up to 12 percent by 2014 and is said to hover near 20 percent today. Unfortunately, pot is prevented by its genetic makeup from exceeding 35 percent THC while still remaining vital.

Fortunately, distillation wizards can get around that road block and deliver us this day THC levels that average between 70 and 90 percent (and top out even higher) in a variety of concentrated forms suitable for vaping, dabbing, and other, less cultured, means of matriculation.

Now that THC has reached its apex…at about the same time that CBD began showing up in your local gas station…what does that portend for pizzas, pick-ups, Phish tunes, and Walmart shoppers?

Don’t look to presidential candidates for answers. Neither of them has ever had enough imagination to do drugs, besides there is nothing less than the soul of America at stake, again, in this election.

Good thing the size of America isn’t at stake. That battle’s been sailed, the  ship has been lost, and we are here as on a darkling plain surrounded by ignorant armies of pick-up trucks the size of earth movers, people the size of Lizzo, and personal pizzas as big as man hole covers…while Phish plays a eighty-minute version of “Divided Sky” on endless loop in the background.