Sunday, December 10, 2023

Bong Hits 4 Jesus Rallies Planned

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – A nationwide series of Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies, sponsored by the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), kicks off at 4:20 p.m. this Saturday in Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. The rallies are designed to focus public attention on the Bong Hits 4 Jesus case, currently being heard by the United States Supreme Court.

“These rallies are a rolling nationwide protest,” explained former Dallas Cowboy and current Texas NORML president, Mark Stepnoski.

Thus by the time Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies begin in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and San Diego, participants on the East Coast will be safely home, working on their second bag of S’mores and getting ready to watch the Wizard of Oz with the sound turned off while listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

The Bong Hits 4 Jesus controversy began five years ago this January when Joseph Frederick, an eighteen-year-old senior at Juneau-Douglas High School in Juneau, Alaska, unrolled a fourteen-foot banner, with a little help from some friends. The banner, inscribed with the words Bong Hits 4 Jesus, was unfurled when students from Juneau-Douglas High School gathered to watch the Olympic torch pass through Juneau on its way to the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City.

Mr. Frederick acknowledged that he had been trying to get up the noses of school administrators with whom he had feuded.

“I waited until the perfect moment to unveil it, as the TV cameras passed,” he said, but he denied that he was promoting anything other than free speech.

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Because the lame-ass, torch-watching event was a school-sanctioned activity—the kind dreamed up by some dorky American studies teacher to get out of class for a day—Deborah Morse, the principal of Juneau-Douglas High School at the time, marched across the street, crumpled the banner, and sent Mr. Frederick to the office.

Ms. Morse, whom several former students described as “so tight she used her butt hole for a pencil sharpener,” handed down a five-day suspension to Mr. Frederick. When he reminded her about Thomas Jefferson and the American tradition of free speech, she doubled his sentence.

Mr. Frederick sued Ms. Morse for damages, and eventually the case made its way to the Supreme Court.

Leading the charge for the prosecution is Kenneth Starr, best remembered as the man who failed to see the humor in a president getting a little skull in the Oval Office. He enjoys the full backing of the Bush administration, which believes the sooner we begin taking away people’s rights, the better.

The defense can count on the support of NORML, several Unitarian Churches (where the Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies will be held), the ACLU, a number of right-wing Christian groups, and pot-smoking celebrities such as Bill Maher, Woody Harrelson, and Willie Nelson, who will host an open-bus reception following the Austin, Texas, rally.

Mr. Frederick, currently teaching English and studying Mandarin in China, has RSVP’d his regrets.

In related news, according to Texas court records, Mr. Frederick pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of selling marijuana in 2004.

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