High Times Declares Five Strains of Cannabis Extinct

NEW YORK—High Times magazine estimates that 98 percent of all marijuana strains ever created have gone extinct, and more strains face the danger of extinction each day. Bedhead OG? Available in the northernmost parts of Minnesota, if you’re lucky. Pwr Bttm? Began to disappear right around the time the band did. Zimmerman’s Folly? Hasn’t been seen since the last time George re-tweeted a photo of the dead Trayvon Martin.

Now, in its soon-to-be-released Christmas issue, High Times introduces “Pot Mortem,” a column that commemorates the latest marijuana strains to have gone, in scientific jargon, tits up.

White Küntz. OK, the umlaut didn’t fool anybody. Predictably women’s groups pissed and moaned with both sets of lips over this one. Alyssa Milano even called for a “joint boycott” of White Kuntz smokers. Surprisingly, users reported a “delightfully clean, vanilla scent with no skunky aftertaste.”

OG Trump (The White x Presidential OG), also known as Fake OG, is thought to have been created by R-Mad Genetics to troll the ironically popular Trump OG; but where Trump OG is well giggly bud, mon, the Fake OG begins with a rush of projectile hostility toward shithole countries and ends with an explosive burst of tweeting; dubious effects on taste buds include a fondness for well-done steak drowning in ketchup

Stevie Wonder (Al Hibbler x Lights Out) is named after someone who does not enjoy, let alone smoke, the magical herb. You don’t need an associate degree in business from a local community college to know that’s some bad branding. What’s more, this myrcene-dominant stopper is famous for making a dog’s breakfast out of a person’s fashion sense. Ergo the taunt, “Who picks out your clothes, Stevie Wonder?”

Tim Tebow OG (God’s Gift x Virgin Urkel) excessive use associated with knee lock in both sexes; users also reported feelings of religious euphoria accompanied be an almost total absence of thought; can cause dry mouth, motor mouth, and slowness afoot

MD20/20 (Trainwreck x Purple Trainwreck) was created by two San Jose stoners old enough to remember the glory days of Mogen David 20/20 wine, the beverage most likely to be found in a bum’s nest or a rock quarry where high school kids go drinking; “Two hits of this, just like two swallows of that, and you’re ready to fuck, fight, or run a foot race,” laughs MD20/20 co-creator Jay Peterson

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