Wednesday, June 12, 2024
Culture

How to Tell You Were Masturbating to Bad Porn

WEST CHESTER, Pa.—Jesus once said, “The porn you will always have with you.” He was right. In fact, porn is multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes. Last year more than 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed on Pornhub, the world’s largest porn gallery. Thirty-five percent of all internet downloads are porn-related (WebRoot). Porn sites receive more regular traffic each month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined (HuffPost).

That being said, it must also be said: there is porn and there is porn. Not every example of the porn maker’s art is a hole in one; and contrary to the popular belief that even the worst sex or pizza is good, they’re not. Anyone who has watched The Return of Mr. Pepperoni knows that. So, in the event that you were too busy beating off to notice that you were watching some really limp porn, we present the following guide to bad porn and bad porn sites.

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10. Too many missing teeth.

9. Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the filming of these videos.

8. Accepts Visa, MasterCard, and food stamps.

7. The men all have names like Freddy Firehose or Dr. Cyclops.

6. Children under twelve must be accompanied by an adult.

5. The adult does not have to be a parent or legal guardian.

4. One-hour memberships available.

3. Toilet cams are not cleaned frequently.

2. Passwords limited to three characters; one must be different from the other two.

1. The woman playing Paris Hilton really is Paris Hilton.

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